The Evening Star – Chapter Two – Destiny and Other Things That Trap You

My parents worked out a compromise. Jasper was welcome to stay with them at the lake house as long as he wished, but it would be best if I went to stay with Jacob for a week or two until things were settled.

"What things?" I asked my mother. I didn't like the idea of being sent away, no matter what the circumstances.

"Edward and I just want some time to talk to Jasper and make sure he will be alright here."

"Meaning, not kill the townsfolk and drink their blood?"

She laughed at that so it was hard to stay so mad at her, then her face turned serious again. "He's had a rough time lately. Nobody really knows what's going on with him but he's been living on his own for awhile. Just give us a little bit of time with him to make sure he can adjust to being around people again. I'm not shipping you off because I don't think you can protect yourself."

"Dad is." I countered.

"Dad is because he worries about you." She wrapped me up in her strong arms. My chin rested on her shoulder, I had been taller than my mother since I was 10 but I still loved the feeling of being enveloped by her. "He doesn't know what he would do if anything happened to you, so humor him, okay kid?"

"Okay Mama." I nodded with my head against her hair. "Please give Jasper a fair chance of staying here."

"You want him to stay?" she asked, rubbing my back.

"He's lonely." I think he needed to be around us. I'd hate it if he were sent off on his own again. "I know I don't really know him like you and Dad do, but he has been so nice to me since he got here, I can tell he is really trying to get in our good graces. It would be a shame to just give up on him."

"Oh sweetie." she squeezed me tightly. "Nobody is giving up on anyone. But Jasper is not a homeless kitten and there's stuff you just don't understand. Trust us to handle this in the best way. I don't want to see him go off by himself either."

Since my mother seemed to be on Jasper's side, I really did try to trust that he wouldn't be gone by the time they let me come back. It was really weird for me to be so insistent on him remaining our guest but the kitten comparison was not far off. He seemed lost and he was a member of our coven, it wouldn't be right to kick him out just because he made us a little nervous.

I left him and my parents and went to stay with Jacob.

If the relationship I was developing with the near stranger Jasper was odd, then my association with Jacob was indefinably bizarre. I didn't know anyone, vampire, werewolf or human that I could really talk to about it. During my flight I tried to make sense of it in my head.

Before I was born, Jacob thought he was in love with my mother and more or less wished my father a painful death. His heart had been broken by them both in Mama choosing Edward and by her decision to become a vampire after their marriage. After I was born, like right after, he imprinted on me and suddenly his pain was lessened. He still loved my mother (and always would) but I was the important one in his life. Because of his imprint, the Quileute shape shifters and the Cullen clan had a continue truce and a sort of alliance. So it was not just something between the two of us, but a bridge between our families. No pressure there.

Jacob was actually pretty good about not putting pressure on me, when I was younger at least. While I was maturing, he showered me with presents and attention but always in a familial way. I did like his gifts because I could tell how much thought he put in to them, rather than just getting me something easy. He was fun to be around and managed to be protective of me without it feeling stifling. So I thought that Jacob, Jake, was a great man and I felt lucky to have him as a friend. I tried not to hate him for the way he looked at me now, like I was something he was waiting to devour.

It was not his fault he imprinted on me.

Just as I was reaching my 'fully grown' state, Grandma Sue had tried explaining the whole things to me from the Quileute perspective but she just managed to make me feel worse.

"But what if I don't want to be Jacob's mate?" I had asked.

She shrugged, stirring the soup pot that was on the stove, "You will. That's just the way it works."

"But...but what if I fall in love with someone else? What if he does? He's had to wait for me since I was a baby for Christ's sake, that's got to be frustrating. A perfectly nice, pretty, funny girl could have passed him by while he was waiting for me to grow boobs. And ….what about me? I'm some sort of weird half breed thing. I could only want to be with vampires. Or, I could be a lesbian. What then?" I challenged.

To my absolute fury at the time, she had chuckled at me. "You're over thinking it. What if, what if, what if. What if the world stops turning? You and Jacob will love each other but he will wait until you are ready. You will have those feelings for him because of your bond but they will be your feelings. You picked him as much as he picked you."

"Not true! I was the imprintee, not the imprinter."

"You are joined to each other. Is it really so bad? Jake's a good boy. He's a hard worker. He will give you a good life. And I'll tell you something else," she offered me a spoon to taste the soup and even though I much preferred my sustenance to be warm and struggling, I took a polite slurp of it, "when Jake was your age, he felt exactly the same as you do. He thought the whole thing was unfair and barbaric."

"Really?"

"Yep. Then it happened to him and now, he gets it. You will too. Now go tell Charlie dinner's ready."

I know she thought that letting me know Jacob had hated the idea would make me see how compatible we were, but it didn't. I actually felt so much worse because this bond seemed to have taken away his choice in the matter too. The fact that imprinting had changed his tune on something he was so passionately against frightened me to no end. But if he was against our being together eventually, he never showed it.

As I drove my rental car up to his house, he was all smiles waiting for me. I heard my Dad's voice in my head wondering why he didn't have a shirt on, but the point is that is he was so happy to see me. I was lifted off the ground and spun around the minute I shut the car door behind me.

"Nessie!" He kissed both cheeks and my lips quickly before setting me down. "I missed you. How are you?"

"Okay. I'm sorry I'm getting dumped on you like this."

"Don't be stupid, I'm glad you're here. Come on, let's put your stuff in your room."

I had maintained a bedroom in Jacob's house for as long as he had owned his own place. Over the years it shifted from white wicker and pink to velvet and purples, but I appreciated that he set aside a space just for me. In the same breath, I also silently dreaded the expectation I knew hung in the air, that one day we would share a room anyway so me having a bed here was no big deal. I was silently grateful that my bags went into the purple bedroom and not Jake's across the hallway.

"So are you hungry? We can hunt or maybe you want to visit Charlie and Sue?"

I shook my head. "I'm a little worn out."

"Okay, we can stay here." He rubbed my arm, then my back. His skin burned like fire on mine. I took a step away from him and suggested a movie or some TV, but that didn't help any. Once we were on the couch he was touching me again, not pushing anything at all, but his hands were constant somewhere on my arms, or my legs, or my face.

"Jake I'm real, trust me. You don't have to keep checking."

"Sorry." He shook his head, clearing the cobwebs. "I just...I really missed you. I really miss you all the time."

"I missed you too." I assured him. I had.

That was enough for him, for that night. We spent a few really good together, he took me hunting and I got to see my grandfather. It had been hard to be in Forks the past few years, until my age legally caught up to my appearance physically, so now that I could go anywhere I wanted, I got to do some fun stuff with Jake. But there was always the touching, the hand holding and the kisses.

I didn't exactly mind. It didn't make me feel bad, it made me feel pressured. I tried to think how Jake must feel, since obviously he was on green while I was still idling on yellow. I tried to be open to it even, not frowning or pulling away. I really, very sincerely tried because I know how much it meant to him.

I hit my limit on the fifth day of my visit. I was in the kitchen, wondering how much I would hate the strawberries in the fridge if I tasted them. They looked yummy. They smelled good. But the taste would never compare to the rich coppery spill I craved. Jake came up behind me and put his arms around my waist.

"What're you up to?"

"Guessing if I'd like the strawberries or not." I replied, wiggling a little bit but not running from his arms. "Probably taste like crap."

"Not true." he argued. "You taste like strawberries and it's delicious." Then he kissed me, and it was not a small chaste kiss like he usually bestowed. This one was hungry and searching, forcing me to part my lips to him or they would be parted for me. His arms were turning me around so he could clutch at me and crush my body to his, making me feel like I was at the center of the sun. I pushed him away from me and he slammed into the counter behind us, splintering the wood top.

"What the hell, Jake?!"

"I'm...I'm sorry, Nessie. Sorry." He held up his hands in front of him in a gesture of surrender. He was scared of me and it made me feel ashamed.

"No, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, all still here." He tried to be cute about it but failed. I could see the way his muscles were tensed, ready to fight or flee.

"I'll be in my room." I told him, doing the fleeing for both of us. I shut the door, hard, and fell onto the bed. I was angry. I was pissed the hell off. I was furious with Jake about that kiss. I was livid with myself for acting the way I did. I wanted to rip apart the room. I could literally do that, until there was nothing but dust and splinters. I had to control it though. My arms crossed themselves. My fingernails dented into my flesh. I tried to stay as still as possible until I calmed down. When I heard Jake leave on his motorcycle, I waited until I was sure he was clear and then I called my mom.

"Hey Nes. How's stuff going?" she asked as she picked up the phone.

"Um, not too good." I hesitated. "I sort of had a fight with Jake."

"A fight? Are you okay? Did he hurt you?"

"No, I'm fine. A counter top gave its life though."

She sighed with relief. "What happened?"

"I kissed me and I pushed him." When she didn't say anything, I figured she was giving me a chance to talk things out, so I continued. "I haven't really talked about it, or thought about it, because, you know, Dad, but the last few times I've gone to see Jake, stuff has been different between us. He's very...eager. He hasn't forced me to do anything." I added quickly, before she brought down the hammer of god upon him. "But he's always touching me and stuff. Then tonight I was in the kitchen and he kissed me and it was not a little kiss. It was a kiss in all capital letters. I pushed him into the counter. That was stupid. He's fine though, big tough werewolf."

There was still just silence for a minute or so then Mama asked where Jake was now and I told her he left. "I feel bad about shoving him, but he shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry if he is sexually frustrated or whatever but it's not my job to take care of that. I guess he may have thought it was okay because I've been trying to be more open about all the physical attention. He probably thinks I led him on." Now I felt completely shitty about my behavior.

"Oh sweetheart. You should have said something. We wouldn't have asked you to go there if we knew this was going on."

"I know." I hung my head even though she couldn't see it. "I just figured that this was between Jake and I and that you and Dad didn't need to hear about any of it, because of your...history."

"Do you want me to come and get you?"

"No." As angry as I was, I didn't want her to murder Jake, which seemed like a distinct possibility. "I think I need to stay and talk to him about it. Maybe I was sending him mixed signals or something."

"You sure?"

"Yes. Thanks Mama. I love you."

"Love you too baby."

Once I hung up with her, I felt better. I didn't even realize I had forgotten to ask after Dad and Jasper until later. Now that I felt safe to move, I paced back and forth, waiting for Jake to return and planning my words very carefully. I left the Quileute land for a quick hunt and feasted on a mole or two to calm my nerves. Then more pacing. When Jake finally came back, I had come to two conclusions.

First, he deserved an apology. I couldn't fault him for thinking that kind of kiss was okay since I had never told him how uncomfortable all of his normal actions made me. I really had led him on and that was pretty fucked up of me.

Because, secondly, I didn't love him, not the way I think he loved me. This wasn't news. But I didn't think it was a question of waiting until I was ready to have those feelings. I didn't think I would ever be able to be in love with Jacob Black.