The Evening Star – Chapter Three – Honest Lies

"Hey." Jake said cautiously.

"Hi." I answered with the same hesitation.

"We should probably talk." I continued at the same time that he said, "I think we need to talk." Both of us smiled and it broke the tension enough for Jake to be able to sit down and me to sit down next to him. We looked at each other expectantly.

"You first." he told me.

Jake, I don't think I love you. Not the way that you love me.

I'm sorry my Mom dumped you almost twenty years ago but like mother, like daughter I guess.

I hate to be a horrible person and rip out your heart but this is better for you in the long run.

Maybe you need to find a nice werewolf girl.

I can't pretend this is going to go somewhere.

I just can't do this anymore. Period.

All of that ran through my head. I wanted to blurt it all out and feel free. But looking in to his eyes, I couldn't bring any of the words to my lips. I wasn't in love with him, but I loved him. If anyone ever hurt him the way I thought my words might, I would tear their throats out and bathe in their blood. I knew Jake deserved better than any of those words, better than me right now, but I couldn't say it.

"No, you first."

"Okay." He breathed deeply. "I think I've been unfair to you lately. I've been pushing things more and more. If you're not ready I'm sorry. It's just so hard for me to wait. You've grown up in to this amazingly beautiful, smart, caring woman that I want to..." he blushed, "I want to kiss, I want to hold, I want to make love to. You're mine, Nessie, and it's hard for me not to act like it."

He said all of that without presumption. It was simply the way he felt, no right or wrong or blame in any of it. Why did he have to be so...so fucking nice? Why couldn't he be a bastard about things so I could get pissy and leave? That would be so much easier.

I took his hand in mine. His palm was almost twice as big as my tiny one, but I tried to wrap my fingers around his. I looked us, intertwined. Why did I have to fight this? "I think it might be a good idea if we don't see each other for awhile."

"What?!"

"You want me to be ready, and I'm not."

Suddenly his hand was over mine, trapping mine. He squeezed it, and I couldn't tell if he was trying to hold on or trying to hurt me. "Let go."

"Never." He said resolutely.

"Jake, let go of me. I don't want you to touch me right now."

"Why?" His other hand came up and brushed my cheek. It was gentle but I shied away from it. If I wanted to, I could make him let me go. I could hurt him very badly. He would heal, he was a shape shifter. But that wouldn't prevent pain.

I was angry that none of this was going the way that I wanted to. I was angry that I even had to be here. I was angry that I was explaining myself, again, when I shouldn't have to. I thought about the kiss earlier, how it had made me feel, and all the little kisses and touches before that, how they made my skin feel cold and my stomach hurt. The way his insistence would make a sunny day cloudy.

He released me, which was what I had wanted him to, but when I dared to look at him again I knew why. It was because I was so upset. I hadn't just thought about all those things, I had also 'shown' them to Jake. Now he saw what he looked like to me, I guess.

"I really make you feel that way?" he asked. It was a genuine question. He looked as sick as I felt.

I nodded, speechless.

"Shit, Nessie." He slumped, looking defeated. All the fight was drained from him and he just seemed...so sad. So unbearably sad. "I love you."

"I know you do. I know you don't mean to make me so uncomfortable."

"I can't believe this is happening again." he said, more to himself than me.

"What?" I prompted.

"With your Mom, when we were younger, I did the same thing." He looked embarrassed. "I thought I loved her and that if I just made her see that, there was no way she wouldn't love me back. I felt like I was watching her just careen towards disaster, running around with-um, your Dad, and I had to save her. So I pushed her, constantly. I knew she didn't feel the same way as me but it didn't matter. And now, I'm doing the same thing with you."

"But I'm not careening towards anything." I told him. "I'm just trying to figure out my life."

He just hung his head. I wanted so badly to love him the way he needed. What the fuck was wrong with me that I couldn't? All that hate I was feeling was pointed right back at me now.

"Nessie you're right." he said finally, after it felt like hours had passed. "We shouldn't be around each other right now."

"Um, pardon?" I didn't think I was hearing that right.

"If I really come across as...the guy I just saw in your mind, no wonder you don't know how you feel. You've never gotten to decide. So why don't we," he paused again and his voice cracked. "Not see each other for awhile. I won't bother you. I won't call you. That way, you can make your own choice."

"Are you sure?" I swallowed.

"Yeah." He nodded, shuffled his feet, twitched nervously.

"What if-"

He tried to look nonchalant about it. "You'll be back. You're my imprint." He voice sounded solid. He stood up, holding himself together visibly. "I'm going to go to bed. If you want to leave before I wake up, I understand."

He left me sitting there.

The minute I got home, they knew.

I had planned on at least trying not to tell them, but it was no good. It was written plain on my face, and, you know, my brain. The first words my Dad said to me were, "I'll kill him."

"No, Dad, it was my idea." Since he was looking anyway, I let him see what had happened.

"I'll kill him anyway."

"Edward, stop it." Mama told him, but she didn't look angry. She hugged me tightly. "You should have just come home sooner."

"Maybe." I agreed. "I really don't want to talk about it."

My father opened his mouth again but Mama hushed him with a death glare and walked me into the house. Even though we both knew he could still hear us, she whispered to me "Don't worry. I won't let him do anything stupid."

"Like what?" I whispered back as she walked me to my room.

"Homicide?" she answered, and it made me smile.

I wanted to ask my mother about the things Jake had said, how he had pushed her and that was why my Dad had won out, but I also wanted to just try and forget the last few days. I'm sure soon I'd feel either heartsick and regretful or giddy with freedom. Right now though, I didn't want to feel anything at all. I let Mama tuck me in to my bed, even though it was daylight out, and I tried to block out the lights and sounds around me. Maybe if I tried really hard, I could just stop existing for awhile.

I must have fallen asleep because I woke up to the darkness of night. There was a plate on my nightstand with a grilled cheese sandwich on it. Even though I wasn't really hungry, I picked it up to munch on. I knew Mama must have left it, it was something a normal mother (of a normal child) would have done so I bet she couldn't help herself. The sandwich was cold so it must have sat for awhile. I wondered what time it was.

I sat up and decided I needed a shower, then maybe a hunt. I was even less hungry after the sandwich but I really wanted to kill something. That was probably healthy. Once I was clean, I escaped in to the woods and killed the first animal I came across, a buck. I wrestled it to the ground and sank my mouth in to the throat, shaking my head furiously to tear the skin and was rewarded with a hot splash of blood against my tongue.

The blood pumped with the thudding of the beast's heart, spilling itself in a frantic pace. Every mouthful brought a painful thought and each swallow chased it away.

I had no idea what was going to happen to me. That was being over dramatic, certainly, but it was also true. My life had always been planned around my being with Jake eventually. I hadn't seen a lot of the world because Jake couldn't usually come with us and he didn't like me being so far away. I could travel if I wanted to. I could buy a boat and sail around the world. I could study art in Europe. I could have an affair with a dark stranger.

Right, while Jacob Black waited at home, convinced I would realize how much I loved him and come running back. I could, I guess. What he said about me needing to make a choice made sense, but I didn't see it turning out that way. If I were honest with him and myself, I would just break it off permanently, no matter what would happen. I just couldn't bring myself to yet. I didn't know what that would do to him, or shit, what that would do to the truce with the werewolves around Forks. Would they hunt us? Would they do something to Charlie?

My head started spinning. So many ifs. I dropped the animal's body and pushed myself against a tree, feeling the bark scrape my back through my shirt. I hadn't even thought about the werewolves. Or my grandfather. I didn't think they would hurt him...at least, not on purpose, but if he said something to Jake and it set him off... or what if one of the coven wanted to use the house in Forks? Would we still be allowed to? And, what about Mama? She was acting supportive but Jake had been her friend for pretty much her entire life. What did she really think about all of this?

I ran through every scenario I could think of, every horrible outcome and was convinced I had forgotten a few hundred possibilities. The one I kept coming back to was what if Jake really was the one for me and I had just ruined it. What if he was the best I would ever have and now I had made things between us impossible. What if I was forced to be alone forever?

A cold panic was welling deep within me at the thought of that until it was extinguished, as suddenly as it had come on. I felt peaceful and calm, overwhelmingly so. Intrusively so. Like someone was about to drown me in a bucket of positivity.

I turned my head and there was Jasper.

"Sorry about that." he said when he saw me glaring. "Your parents are worried. They wanted me to come find you."

"So they don't think you're going to slaughter me or lead me in to a life of sin anymore?"

He paused, his brow furrowing. "No, they still think that."

Was that a joke? "But they sent you because...?"

"I volunteered." He approached me, hands up in front of him to show that he was harmless. "I thought my gift would be of use as it could allow you to think clearly, if that was what you wanted." He stopped and looked slightly uncomfortable, like he would blush if he could. "I also know there may be things you wouldn't want to say to your parents but you can say them to me, if you want."

I bit my lip, deciding what to say, if anything at all. What couldn't I talk to Mama or Dad about? What would I be too embarrassed to ask Rose or Alice?

Or, what did I really want someone to tell me the truth about right now?

"Jasper," I said finally, "what do you think about me and Jake?" He knew the story, at least most of it, as he had been present since the beginning and seemed to have a fair grasp on what was going on right now. "Do you think me being his imprint is...weird?" I finished lamely.

"Frankly," he sat next to me, his back just touching the tree that mine was against, "excuse my language, but I think it's a bunch horse shit."

I laughed out loud. Honesty was what I had wanted, after all. "What do you mean, horse shit?" I replied, seeing if he would reprimand me for swearing. He was my elder, after all.

I was a little disappointed that his answer was so serious. "There are things I could tell Jacob Black about vampires that would turn his hair white and things he could not begin to understand, even if he lived a thousand years. Maybe imprinting is like that. I may not ever understand it because I am not a shape shifter, nor have I ever been one. But to me, you being his imprint doesn't make a lick of sense."

His voice twanged and I thought it sounded melodic when it did. He spoke a little faster as he continued and I felt an anger that wasn't mine. "When my family left Forks because of me, Edward thought he was right in trying to convince Bella to move on from him. He wanted her to be happy. I disagree with the method but the intention was a good one. Suddenly this damn mutt...apologies for the language...marks your mother like she's a tree stump he pissed on. I thought I was going to have to put him down before the wedding. I thought it was best to do just that, actually, but Edward said it would have broken Bella's heart so I let him live. And then there was you."

My eyes were wide as I listened to him. "Bella had pledged herself to my coven brother, even though she cared about the werewolf. She was his bridge and took his name. When she bore his child and was reborn as a vampire, she had finally moved beyond Jacob's hands. She would never be his. Suddenly, he imprints on her infant daughter, giving him a reason to wedge himself in to Bella's life for as long as he lived, giving him a say in where she went and who she associated herself with, because he was protecting him imprint. It's all a might bit too convenient for him, if you ask me."

He went on and at some point he must have stopped and realized I was crying, because his calming influence pushed at me. I grit my teeth and fought against it, wanting to keep sobbing. I felt a strong hand touch my arm, and when I didn't flinch, arms around me, pulling me away from the tree and towards him. I was flush against his chest suddenly and being choked by good vibes once again. Being so close to him gave me no choice but to accept them. "What did I say?" he asked.

"I just never thought about it that way." I wept, slurring the words. "Do you really think he used me that way? You think he did that to me my whole life just so he could keep scoping on my mother?"

"Yes. But you have freed yourself from that now. Why does it make you so sad?"

"It makes me feel worthless."

"I don't understand."

"Yeah, I get that." I sat up a little bit, wiping my eyes. "How can you manipulate emotions but be so dense about them?" My tone wasn't harsh, it was anything but.

"I don't have a great deal of experience with broken hearts. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you so much."

"It's okay." I nodded. "You just told me the truth, that's what I wanted so don't worry about it."

"I do, and I will." He reached out and wiped the last bits of moisture from my cheeks. "You've been nice to me, although you have no reason to be, and you're not afraid of me, although you have every reason to be. I'm practically a stranger to you yet you trust me. Look what I've done to someone that trusts me."

"It's okay." I repeated. I stood up but he caught my hand as I rose away from him. Looking back down, I saw his eyes were focused on me, dead serious.

"You are anything but worthless." he said. "How can I convince you of that?"