Past - In the previous chapter the exam results are received.

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I placed the plastic bag down on the floor with a faint thud and grinned to my fellow marauders. It had been a fair struggle getting it past the teachers on the way back into the school due to the fact it had 'sex' scrawled all over it in bright, flashing letters and was a glaring red that could most likely blind, given opportunity. James turned to face me, a broad smile playing across his lips.

"We all set for tomorrow then?" He smirked, diving into the bag and pulling from the depths a pair of baby pink underpants with the word 'angel' encrusted in diamonds on the arse that evoked a more than quizzical look.

A shy cough erupted from Remus' throat and he beaconed a quaint hand to them. "I believe those are mine."

Peter laughed, "What are you going as then?"

"Merlin knows... but probably James' bitch like everyone else," he chuckled, fingering the handiwork.

"Everyone else? But I thought that I was gonna go as Dumbledore!"

"Oh, Wormy, about that:" I sneered, clapping him on the shoulder, "your proposal was overruled."

"What? That's unfair! Moony, tell them that's unfair!"

"I'm sorry, Peter, but the Pimp Master and the Head Bitch's words are final. I am in no place to challenge them."

Wormtail slumped back into the bedpost, lip curled and looking positively sullen, or he would have at least, had he not hit his head in the motion and ended up writhing on the floor in pain to the amusement of everybody in the room.

"Oh, I forgot you ask, how's my cane coming along?" James inquired, continuing to rifle through the bag. "Because it doesn't seem to be in here."

"Fabes is on it as we speak. He might even have it already - I told him to meet us outside the common room."

"What? Is everything ok with you two then?"

"Why wouldn't it be?" I chuckled, "Who do you think tried on all this for you because it wasn't me – you're a midget!"

"I swear you've got selective autism," he sighed, standing and making for the door. "By the way, Lily said she's ready for you, when you want to come."

X

I gave a long, cold glare to the horror that lay below me - my old foe, the stairs to the girl's dorm. I'd spent the past half-hour trying to persuade the female population of Gryffindor to carry me up them, though most of them politely declined and the ones that didn't were later persuaded against it by the influences of their elders, leaving me to climb, as I was this instant, like some kind of retard, 4 legged spider, or of that sort, pushing against the walls either side of me and shuffling forwards at no alarming rate.

"LIIIIIILLLLLLYYYYYY!" I bellowed, carefully manoeuvring myself into a small alcove that lay dug to one side of the stairwell. "LIIIILLLLLYYYY EEEEEEVVVVVVAAAANNNS!"

The faint click of a lock echoed down to greet me. "Oh dear Lord, what have you done?"

"Come to get my legs waxed."

"I can see that," the redhead laughed, craning her neck round the bend to get a better look at me. "Look, if you go to the next door up we can probably reach out and pull you in."

I groaned, awkwardly clambering from the windowsill and shuffling up the the walls of the staircase once more until I reached the inclination in which the said door stood and was heaved over the gap by a herd of girls.

"Thanks for the audience, Lils," I chuckled, gazing round at the near stuffed room.

A smirk adorned her face and she gave a delicate bow, "It was my pleasure. Who'd have thought so many people wanted to see you cry?"

I shook my head and turned to the door, "By the way, someone needs to go collect Remus – he's still waiting at the bottom."

"Already on it – you remember that girl that came sliding between your legs on the way up? Well she's going to fly him up here. She was coming to collect you as well but you decided to take it into your own hands."

"Well," I grinned, tousling my hair, "it means I can proudly say that I, Sirius Orion Black, have outwitted Dumbledore. Which makes me more awesome than all of you!"

She shook her head, walking to the door and opening it to reveal a short blonde witch and my wonderful Remus Lupin standing on the step and clutching precariously to the door frame.

"We all set then?" she beamed, grabbing a box of wax strips from her bed and giving me a dark grin – clearly, she'd wanted to hurt me for a while.

What I experienced henceforth was like hell on this earth, as if Mordor was erected in neat strips starting on my right calf and making it's fiery way across my body. How women endured this, I could not understand – I'd spent the most part of the process staring down on the work in progress with watery eyes, checking to see if they'd quite peeled me like an orange yet and expecting my legs to be bloodied and bearing the muscle below, though much to my relief, such was not the case.

Remus, on the other hand, had a much more efficient pain threshold, which I can only assume was due, in part, to the fact he tore himself apart every month and the other vital point that he, despite his general appearance, was much less of a 'pussy' than me.

He leant over, nuzzling himself into my cheek and grinning. "You know... If your arse is going to be bare... we're gonna need to wax that... and we might as well do the rest while we're at it... and by 'we', I mean 'I'."

I glared at him. "It's going to rip my testicles off, I can feel it."

"Oh, come on," he beamed, wrapping himself around me and brushing his lips against mine. "I'll kiss it better and I'll let you do it to me too."

For a moment, I gave him a scrutinizing look, letting a faint smirk pass my face. "I don't know who fed you love potion, Rems, but I like it. Now, if you don't mind, could you remove these girls from the room?"

"You're not shagging in my dorm!" Lily growled, grabbing the werewolf by the shoulders and peeling him off me like a piece of sellotape. "Honestly, Moony, and I thought you were the responsible one."

"I am, I am," he yelled, clutching desperately to my back. "I just want to wax him! He has a hairy bum! I don't want to hurt these young girls' eyes!"

"Lily, you know he has his best intentions at heart."

The redhead scowled at us, releasing herself from him. "If even one of these girls sees anything you're getting the blame."

"Ok, ok..." I laughed, "but just imagine how awesome we're going to look when we make our grand entrance tomorrow."

She shook her head an ushered the girls from the room. "I'm being serious – if anything happens you will get the blame," she reasoned, closing the door behind herself.