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7. Happiness is weird.
"The purpose of our lives is to be happy" – Dalai Lama
When I was a kid – and human -, my mom used to bake me cookies whenever I was feeling down, or crying, or sick. "Happy cookies", she'd call them. And I'd smile every time she would place a plate full of them in front of me because they were sooooo good and my favourite.
However, since I became what I am today, and after I lost her to my father's stupidity, I lost happiness. I literally lost it, like when you lose a pet or a pencil or your favourite book. I didn't know where my heart had put my happiness leftovers, if I could call them that… In the beginning I was scared; scared that I would never find happiness again; but then I got used to it. One of my little sisters got sick and I simply gave up on everything to help her get better.
Sometimes I ask myself why I am doing this for one of my father's bastards… But then I tell myself… She's just a victim, like I am, like my mom was… They don't deserve to be judged by my father's actions. And, honestly, looking at the sisters I have – three, actually – I'm kind of glad that I have someone. They're great. When Summer, the oldest of my sisters, came to me and told me that Violet was sick, I didn't hesitate to help. I tried some random, human jobs, but… in the end… I knew exactly what I had to do to earn some real money.
I remember the first time I had to do it, you know? It was three years ago, I was terrified, but the crazy human woman didn't care. She threw herself at me, got what she wanted and left straight away, after paying. I felt disgusted, sure that I'd never deserve any kind of luck again.
That was why when I looked at Evelina I was amazed. It was like I was dreaming, but how could I be if I was a monster and monsters didn't sleep? She accepted me. She actually said she was okay with what I was doing as my job! And she actually let me touched her and loved her in the right way.
When we made love for the first time, I started to feel again. My smile became natural, my laugh followed it and my halo… It simply shone. I found happiness again. Evelina gave me happiness. And, in return, I gave her the words she desired to hear. I gave her the truth.
"I love you." I whispered in her ear, smiling. She giggled and looked at me. I smiled even more. "I really do fucking love you."
She kept that happy smile on her face, her golden eyes shining in joy. Then, she opened her mouth and replied to my words. "I love you too…" And she kissed the corner of my lips.
I sighed in relief.
Since then, I've made myself believe I was living a dream; that I was in paradise. Actually, I was. All I had to do was pretend that I had a regular, not disgusting job. I tried to avoid talking about it in front of Evelina, but, after the "job" was done, I had to go see her. And, sometimes, the perfume I wore hurt us too much. There was one time I met her in the woods, by the lake, right after I was with this blonde cougar whose husband was always travelling. The moment she smelled that awful perfume on me, she stepped away, her back hitting a tree. I jumped right in the lake and cleaned myself. I couldn't lose Evelina, no matter what.
I apologized, of course. I apologized a million times. And she said it was okay and kissed me. Yet I wasn't. She deserved better. She deserved someone who could only be with her. So, I made the maths. And I realized that, with the help of Summer's job as a waitress, I could end this filthy job in, what? A year, maybe… It was too much for Evelina. I knew it was before I even told her.
"Do I have to keep repeating myself, Nathan? It's fine. I understand! You're doing this for your sister!" She exclaimed, a bit tired of my concern.
I nodded in silence. She hugged me and kissed my cheek. Then, a smile appeared on her face.
"I have news."
I looked at her, smiling softly.
"Yeah?" After she nodded, I asked. "What are they, then?" I kissed her nose, making her giggle.
"My parents are away… And my flat is available for a few weeks… I want us to go there, for a while. I want you to see my bedroom." She told me and I could sense fear on her; fear that I'd say no.
I frowned at first.
"Do they know…about you?" I asked.
She shook her head.
"Are you planning on telling them?"
She shrugged and said, "Who knows? I just really want enjoy a few days in your company… You and I, only." She smiled cheerfully.
I sighed.
"Baby, I have work…"
"We can still be together before and after it." She insisted, trying to stay positive, although I knew it killed her.
I stayed quiet for a few moments, considering her proposal. It'd be nice, obviously. Spend some alone time with her, between four walls… We only got that once, when we first made love. And meeting the place where she spend some of her human life… I'd love to see that.
Finally, I nodded, agreeing, and she kissed me on the lips passionately. Something told me that, although this would be great, our future together wasn't looking so bright. I thought of Jeremy first. I knew that, someday, they would have to meet. And then I thought of the world, how easily it could break us. And I got scared. I held her tightly in my arms, telling her I loved her. She smiled happily, oblivious.
I knew life well. Life didn't bring only good things. Life loved to bring bad, really bad things to people. And we weren't an exception, unfortunately.
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