Finals ran for four days, with my birthday on the second day, one day off at the end, and then the Reaping. On Sunday I couldn't even move. I couldn't tell whether it was nerves over facing the coming week or if the tension in every inch of my body was from the trek into the woods the day before. I spent the night tossing and turning, dreaming of clean air and warm sun and the smell of pine on the breeze only to have it ripped away as my name was drawn from the bowl. Or Katniss'. Or Rye's. Prim's. Delly's. I spent my morning in bed with Buddy purring away on my chest.
"Hey," Katniss said quietly, startling me out of a shallow sleep. My sudden movement scared a tiny, indignant mewl out of Buddy. Katniss smirked, pulling off her shoes before slipping into bed beside me. He glared at her before retreating to the foot of the bed. "Sorry."
"What—are you d-doing here?" I asked, moving closer to the wall to make space for her.
"I was going to help downstairs and then see if you needed any last minute cramming for tomorrow," she said, sliding her hand around my waist and leaning against me. My breath caught for a moment; I was only wearing a pair of boxers. She pressed a kiss to my jaw before laying her head down on my pillow. "Your dad sent me up, though. He said you weren't feeling well."
"J-just t-tired," I said, brushing her hair away from her face before wrapping my arm around her. I laid my head down with my forehead touching hers and closed my eyes. "Someone d-dragged me around the woods all d-day yesterday." Katniss laughed softly and I couldn't help but smile.
"I hope it was worth it," she said.
"Definitely," I said. I felt her lips ghost over mine, her fingers trailing gentle circles over my back that lulled me right back to sleep. I woke on my back, with the blankets twisted around my waist. Katniss was asleep on my chest, her fingers curled lightly around my shoulder. I watched her for a moment, smoothing my hand over her back. There was a light knock on the door and I realized that was what had woken me to begin with. Dad opened it a moment later, before I even had a chance to react. He smirked, raising an eyebrow at us.
"You'd better be wearing pants," he said quietly. I just rolled my eyes. "There's food out here if you get hungry. I'll leave a couple plates on the counter for you two."
"Thanks," I said softly.
"Are they fucking again?" Rye called from down the hall. Dad let out an exasperated sigh before closing the door. Katniss tensed and lifted her head, drawing in a deep breath through her nose and blinking at me sleepily.
"W'time is it?" she said, squinting at my clock before dropping her head back down. Her voice was muffled by my skin when she spoke again. "I swear I sleep better here in two hours than I do an entire night at home. Prim kicks."
"I sleep b-better when you're here, too," I said softly. Katniss turned her face toward my neck, smothering a laugh. I grinned and tightened my arms around her. "Why is th-that funny?"
"It's not. It's sweet," she said, shifting to kiss me and sucking my lower lip between hers for a moment before pulling back. "Did I just hear your dad in here?"
"Yes," I smirked.
"Oh no," she let out an embarrassed chuckle, dropping her forehead against my neck again. "He didn't say anything?"
"J-just, um—that I'd b-better be wearing pants," I said.
"But you're not," she said, her voice dropping to a quiet, throaty register right next to my ear that sent a jolt through me and straight to my dick.
"N-nope," I said. She traced the waistband of my boxers with her fingertips, slipping them under the elastic. I grabbed her wrist and dropped my voice to a harsh whisper. "K-Kat he's right d-down the hall."
"Then I guess you'd better be quiet," she said, pulling her hand out of my grip and brushing against my cock through the front of my boxers in the process. My eyes went wide and I reached for her again, but she just laughed and pulled away, sitting up to pull the tousled braid from her hair. I sat up as she finished, looping my arm around her waist and pushing her hair over her shoulder to kiss her neck. "Are you ready for this week?"
"N-no," I let my hand drop to her hip as she turned to face me, tucking one leg up underneath her. How could I be ready for all of it? There was a possibility my life would end with my name being pulled, or worse, with Katniss, Rye, or Prim being picked. Just thinking of how many times Katniss' name would be that bowl was enough to send me into a panic attack. I only had a 50/50 chance, at best, of passing my finals. The timing of the Reaping just lowered it. If I failed, my life would be even more of a living hell. Dad wouldn't let me drop out. I'd be stuck a grade lower, with Merx tormenting me at every opportunity, and without Katniss for support and to help ground me. Even if Dad did let me drop out, I was still basically useless in the bakery. I would just be a burden of someone he had to spend even more time babysitting than he already did. Chances were good that one way or another life as I knew it would change. Again. I didn't see how there was any possible way for me to be okay.
"Tomorrow's easy, though," she said. "Just history and English. You're good with those. And Tuesday's your birthday."
"And the m-math final," I frowned.
"Yeah, but just that," she pointed out. "We'll be out before lunch. We have the whole afternoon."
"N-no surprises p-please," I gave her a look. "What I r-really need is to be dreading that—along with a t-test I know Capps is g-going to make even harder than normal—j-just for me."
"No," she smiled. "Just me. And Delly, I think. And a cake. Your dad thought it would be better to wait to have anyone over until after, um, everything."
"Yeah," I frowned. After the Reaping. Because what was the point in celebrating if one of us was going to die.
"Hey," Katniss set her hand on my cheek, lifting my face to hers before leaning in to kiss me. I leaned into her, letting her push my fears to the back of my mind for a while.
Katniss was right about the first day of exams. I did fine. For the first time, I had some idea of what sort of grade I'd get back at the end of the week, and I knew it would be well above passing. I didn't even have that sort of confidence before the injury. Whatever that said about what kind of student I was before was embarrassing to think about.
I did horribly on the math final. I knew before I was even halfway through the first page that I'd be lucky to scrape by with a passing grade. The last minute studying Katniss and I had done the night before had barely helped. The only thing I took comfort in was not being the last in the class to finish. That honor went to Verne, who was still frowning at the test in front of him when I carried mine past the empty desks to the front of the class.
Katniss was waiting for me in front of the school, sitting on the wall beside Delly and Rye. They looked up as I approached. Katniss pushed off of the wall to her feet, greeting me with a soft kiss and quietly telling me she'd sent Madge home, bargaining with her to get her off the birthday subject.
"Happy birthday!" Delly said, all but shoving Katniss out of the way to throw her arms around my neck and plant a smacking kiss on my cheek.
"Th-thanks, Dell," I smirked.
"I'm coming over later, even though no one else is allowed," she said, pulling back and straightening out my shirt. "I'm practically your sister, anyway."
"Fuckin' weird when you say shit like that," Rye muttered, rolling his eyes and getting up as Delly returned to his side. "Don't forget what I told you, Catpiss."
"Fuck off," Katniss snapped.
"It's his birthday," Rye grinned. "Don't be such an uptight little prude."
"And it's really not bad," Delly said. "I kind of like it."
"You are both disgusting," Katniss said. I just looked back and forth between them in confusion. Rye cackled, slinging his arm around Delly's shoulders as they turned away.
"What was that?" I asked, watching them head off in a direction that definitely didn't lead toward town.
"Nothing," she rolled her eyes. "They're just being pushy weirdos."
When I was younger, Mom used to at least try to make our birthdays special. It was the one day of the year we were almost guaranteed not to get smacked. She always made our favorite meals, Dad would make a cake, and there would even be a present or two; something Mom would normally forbid. It was all catered to whoever's birthday it was. I think it was the only time Mom treated Rye and I like individuals. Especially individuals she actually liked. It dwindled as we got older. Gifts slowed down. Last year there hadn't been any, though she had at least apologized for it, and still gone to the trouble of dinner. I'd found a new sketchbook on my bed a few days later, a brief apology scrawled on the first page in her handwriting.
Thinking about it, I realized it wouldn't just be my first birthday without her. It would mark the beginning of the first year of not being myself. Well, not the old me. The one I liked. I'd never have that normal again. I'd never have Mom treating me like I was wanted. I'd never even have a real mother again. The thought of it was all overwhelming, and left me dragging as we walked back to the bakery, wanting nothing more than to fall into bed and will the day to end.
"Where the hell's Rye?" Dad asked as we stepped into the kitchen.
"With D-Delly," I said. He just rolled his eyes, wiping his hands on his apron as the bell out front rang.
"Do you need help?" Katniss asked.
"No, it's fine. Go on," he waved vaguely toward the stairs before disappearing out front. Katniss looked at me and shrugged before imitating Dad's wave toward the stairs. I smirked, taking her hand and leading her up. Buddy was waiting at the top of the stairs, leaning forward as we reached the top, his nose twitching. Katniss leaned down to lift him up, tucking him against her chest and scratching behind his ears as we walked to my room. I closed the door behind us and sat down beside her on the bed.
"What's wrong?" she asked, letting Buddy climb out of her arms to headbutt my leg.
"N-nothing, why?" I said, hoping she'd buy it. She never did, though.
"You haven't even spoken since we left the school," she said. "And I know that look. Not to mention I'm a little concerned you might actually chew your lip off." She tapped her finger against my lower lip and I dropped my chin, realizing how swollen my lip was getting as I smiled and stretched it tight. "So, what is it."
"I'm d-different," I said, frowning and scratching the back of Buddy's neck as he climbed into my lap. "I was a c-completely different person than my last b-birthday. And I have to be this person forever. And I d-don't particularly like him."
"I do," Katniss offered, dragging a small smile to my face. Somehow, from her it didn't feel as trite as it would from someone else. She was one of the few people I knew who wouldn't just say things to make me feel better. She said things she meant, hoping they would help. Usually they did.
"Th-this is also, um-" I bit down on my lip, tugging off my hat and scratching my hand through my hair. It was getting too hot to keep wearing it, and I was glad the break from school meant a break from having to hide my scar. "This is—the one d-day Mom was always n-nice to us. The only t-time she made me f-feel like—her son. And n-not an annoyance."
"She should have been making you feel that every day," she said. I shrugged.
"Either way—I'll n-never have that ag—again," I tossed my hat to the floor, nudging Buddy off my lap before kicking off my shoes and moving to lay down.
"Was it really worth the hell she put you through the rest of the year?" Katniss asked, leaning down to tug the laces of her boots loose enough to pull them off. She stretched out beside me, leaning on her elbow. "One day can't be worth that."
"It was j-just nice to have a mom," I said quietly, tugging at my fingers.
"What about Mrs. Cartwright?" she smirked. "Y'know, since Delly's practically your sister, anyway." She bit her lip, holding back a smile.
"What about your mom," I smirked back at her, raising an eyebrow. "Y'know, since she's the one my dad is dating."
"Ugh, don't," Katniss grimaced, rolling her eyes. I chuckled, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her closer for a kiss. She smiled against my lips, sighing softly as she moved her mouth on mine.
Katniss' kisses shifted down my jaw to my neck, and her hands wormed beneath my shirt, working it up slowly. She lifted it off over my head, pressing a kiss to my chest before shifting to kneel between my legs. I watched her unbutton my pants and press a kiss to my hip as she pulled them down along with my boxers. She ran her lips over my length gently, drawing a shudder from me before she took my cock into her mouth. She locked eyes with me, going slower, softer than normal. It felt different, like we were seeing one another for the first time. I didn't know how, but somehow I knew our relationship was changing.
When it was over she moved back up my body, covering my neck and shoulders with slow, wet kisses. I pulled at her clothing, still too numb and warm from my orgasm to do more than fumble with it before she got the idea and undressed for me. I kicked my pants off before pulling her to me, wrapping her in my arms and relishing the feel of her warm, soft, bare skin against mine. I felt her smile against my skin, settling her weight on top of me and twining her fingers in the hair at the back of my neck. Her breath against my neck and her lips on my jaw sent goosebumps over my skin, and she tilted her hips, shifting back until her wetness pressed against my stiffening cock.
I reached for the dresser drawer, hooking my fingers under the bottom lip and tugging it open. Katniss took the hint, kissing me slowly before moving to retrieve a condom from inside. I reached for it and she pressed me back down, straddling my thighs and stroking her hand over me before rolling the condom on for me. I watched her move over me, reaching between her legs to steady my cock as she lowered herself. Katniss gasped as she enveloped me, steadying her hands on my chest as she slid down my length. She was tighter than I remembered, and I watched in awe as she began to move on me, her hips rising and falling as her fingers curled against my skin.
The earlier trend continued. We did feel connected, I could see in her expression that she felt it too. I was having a hard time keeping myself from blurting out the words that always seemed on the tip of my tongue. I knew now that it was love, and it made the act that much more intense. She came just before I did, dragging me over the edge as she contracted around me, rocking her hips against mine as we struggled to keep ourselves quiet. The warmth of it extended far beyond where it was usually centered in my body; it was the best I had ever felt.
Katniss lowered herself to my chest, breathless and slick with sweat, tilting her hips until I slipped out of her. She kissed me as I slid my hands up her back, pressing her closer and sweeping my tongue through her mouth. Relief washed through me, bringing with it tears I couldn't quite hold back. Katniss lifted her head, gently brushing her fingers over my cheek.
"What's wrong?" she said, her voice barely above a whisper. I just shook my head, biting down on the inside of my lip and willing myself to stop. She kissed my cheek softly.
"N-nothing," I said, pressing my eyes closed. "I j-just—I want to freeze this m-moment and live in it f-forever."
"Me, too," she said quietly, combing her fingers through my hair and kissing me again. We stayed that way for a while, and as the warmth of the moment receded, my thoughts cycled back to where they'd been earlier.
"Aren't you s-scared?" I asked, ashamed of how tiny and frightened my voice sounded.
"Terrified," she said, a faint smile flashing across her face. "I always am. And I have so many more people to be afraid for this year." Her voice tightened at the end and she bit down on her lip to stop it from trembling. "But it's a few days off. We're okay. Let's not do this today, okay? It's your birthday. Let's just think about that."
"Okay," I said softly, wishing it were that easy.
Rye returned long after we'd cleaned up and relocated to the living room. We'd covered the coffee table with notes for the science final the following afternoon, in spite of Katniss arguing against it. I didn't want to fail as miserably on another test as I did with math. As soon as Delly came excitedly bounding upstairs behind Rye she started putting the pages away, crucial notes on top for me to review in the morning. Neither of us had to be at the school until the afternoon.
"What are you d-doing up here?" I asked.
"Special occasion!" she chirped. I couldn't help but laugh at the excitement on her face.
"If I catch you behind a closed door, it's over," Dad called up from downstairs.
"And yet I guarantee you fucked her the minute you two got home," Rye said to me, gesturing to Katniss.
"Well, we s-stayed away from the shortening," I shot back as Rye sat down in one of the chairs, hooking his arm around Dell's waist and pulling her into his lap.
"You're a terrible girlfriend," Rye said to Katniss, earning a scowl and a backhanded slap to the chest from Delly. Darla came upstairs a few minutes later, holding a tray in her hands. I raised my eyebrows, looking over at Katniss questioningly. She hadn't mentioned Darla and Phyl.
"I'm just here to watch the bakery while you guys eat," Darla said as if she could read my mind, setting the tray down on the coffee table. She stepped around it and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "Happy birthday, Peeta. Phyl's working late until Saturday. You know." She offered an apologetic shrug. "We're going to come by next week, okay?"
"Th-thanks," I said, smiling faintly as she pulled the foil off the tray before disappearing downstairs. She'd brought dinner and sent Dad up to join us shortly afterward. We sat around the living room, eating and talking, though I did more listening than anything else. Still, the evening felt normal. As close to normal as things could get, and it was more relaxed than I expected it to be. After we'd demolished nearly everything Darla brought over, Dad retrieved a small cake from the kitchen, serving each of us and retreating downstairs with his own slice to send Darla home. Katniss and I finished quickly, as it was becoming increasingly evident Rye and Delly were more interested in each other than their dessert, and finished our night with a walk to the meadow.
The rest of the week was a blur. On Thursday afternoon we returned our books and got back our final grades. I passed all of them. Even math, though just barely. I wouldn't have to repeat the year. I wouldn't have to spend my summer worrying about another year of sticking out even more than I already did. It was hard to feel happy about it, though, and I drifted through the remainder of the day in a distracted haze before just giving up and going to bed.
Katniss arrived in the early afternoon on Friday and I had yet to really leave my room. I didn't want to. We sat on my bed, picking apart a danish she'd liberated from the cases downstairs and trying to talk about anything but the next day. Eventually we gave up, and even Buddy lost interest in us once there was no sugar left to lick off our fingers. We made passionate, hurried use of the last of her original condom purchase, enjoying the brief bit of peace it brought us before fear hit me like a sledgehammer and I began to shake from it.
Katniss held me in her arms, smoothing her hand through my hair and pulling me against her. She spoke softly, the words completely lost in the jumble of thoughts racing through my head, but her tone keeping me from tipping over the edge. As my trembling eased she set her hand on my jaw, tilting my face to hers and kissing me softly.
"I'll be right back, okay?" she said quietly.
"Okay," I said, frowning as she pulled away from me and retreated from the room, straightening her clothes as she went.
As soon as she walked out of the door and I realized I was alone, I felt my chest begin to tighten. It was difficult to bring in air, and what little I was getting felt hot and stifling. Tomorrow I could be alone. Katniss could be gone. Rye could be gone. There was a solid chance that I would see either one of them walk through the doors of the Justice Hall the way I'd just seen her walk out of my bedroom and then I'd never see them again. What would happen to the bakery if that happened? What would happen to me if any of that happened? My nerves felt as though they were humming, and I felt as if I wanted to crawl out of my own skin to escape the loneliness I felt, and the hell tomorrow would bring. I sat up, swinging my feet to the floor and forcing myself to take deep, halting breaths, tearing up as I struggled to breathe.
"Peeta?" Katniss paused by the door, a glass of water and one of my prescription bottles in her hands. I covered my face with my hands, as if I could press my tears back where they came from and force my heart to slow and my breath to stop heaving. I heard her set down the glass and the bottle, felt the mattress sink beside me, felt her hands on my back. "Peet?" I just shook my head. Katniss leaned against me, wrapping her arms around me and laying her head on my back. "It's okay. You merchant kids never get reaped anyway, remember? It's been years."
"C-c-could b-b—you," I forced out.
"Could be," she said. "But it could be Bobbi Sue Maynard, who's been collecting tesserae for both her parents and her eleven brothers for the past six years. There's eight Morgan kids, half of them are girls, and they've all been doing the same. Or Bee Lauden, who has just as many slips in there as Gale this year."
She didn't point out that the odds don't always seem to matter. That the year before a 12 year old boy was sent off to die, or the last girl from town to be reaped, three years previously, was our age. That somehow the Games seemed rigged towards tragedy, and if there was ever going to be a tragedy out of this District for the rest of Panem to eat up it would somehow involve the two of us. I turned toward her, wrapping her in my arms and burying my face against her neck, muffling a sob.
"Hey," she rubbed her hand over my back. "Peeta. It's okay. I love you." I froze, unsure if I'd heard her right, and pulled back to look at her. She seemed almost shocked, as if she hadn't expected that either. Katniss pressed her lips together, searching my face for a moment before flashing a faint smile. "I love you."
"I—um," I swallowed, pressing my eyes closed as my jaw tensed up. I felt her hand on my cheek and tilted into it. When I opened my eyes she was watching me, her expression just shy of a true smile but so soft and warm it melted the sharp stab of panic that had filled my chest just a few minutes before. "I love you." Katniss broke into a slow smile before leaning in to kiss me, sliding her hand over the side of my neck and twining her fingers in my hair.
She left early, apologizing and explaining her mother's desire for her to be home for dinner. Before going home she made sure I took an extra dose of my anxiety medication, reassuring me that Dad knew, and he'd said it was okay. I stood by my window and watched her cross the backyard, waving to her when she turned back to look up at me. The pill just barely took the edge off my nerves. I paced, I played with Buddy, I tried to force myself to eat. None of it worked, and the food just made me feel worse.
"Hey," Dad set his hand on my shoulder on my fifth or sixth trip past the upstairs kitchen. The bakery was long closed, though he still had streaks of flour on his forearms. He was likely just taking a break from the batch of cookies he made for the tributes every year. "You need to talk?"
"N-no," I shook my head, scratching my hand into my hair. "I'm just-" I cut myself off, unsure of exactly what to say. He nodded, blowing out a breath before pulling me into a hug.
"You're gonna be okay, Biscuit," he said quietly, setting his hand on the back of my head. I leaned into him, breathing in the smell of sugar and vanilla clinging to his shirt. There was no one to tell him those cookies were a waste, and I wondered if he'd gone back to the same elaborate, colorfully frosted sugar cookies I remember his father making every year before he died. "No matter what."
"Th-thanks," I said softly, though I didn't believe a word of it. He smiled sadly when he let go, and I did my best to return it before going to my room and closing the door behind me. I sat on the edge of my bed, nudging Buddy around with my foot until he flipped onto his back and attacked my toes before disappearing under the bed. With nothing left to occupy me I pulled out my sketchbook, shifting back against the wall and drawing idly, scratching out abstract shapes on the page to keep my hands busy. After a while Rye kicked my door open, startling me into dropping the pencil.
"Wh-what are you d-doing?" I asked, watching him march into my room with a bundle of blankets under one arm and pillows under the other.
"The fuck does it look like?" he said. "I'm not sleeping in that stupid office tonight."
"It's n-not an office anymore," I pointed out, turning my attention back to my sketchbook. Holding the pencil was excruciating, but even after the pills I couldn't stand not doing anything.
"Whatever," he muttered, dropping them on the floor before yanking the chair away from my desk to sit in it. "Still feels like her tonight." He sat straddling the back of it, folding his arms across the curve of the backrest and resting his chin on them. "Like she's going to come flying around the corner and slap me for breathing too loud and then do that angry screaming apology shit she always used to do right before the Reaping."
"Where's Dad?" I asked. The last person I wanted to think about was Mom.
"Downstairs," he said. "Dewey's here." I nodded, chewing the inside of my lip.
"Why've you b-been such an asshole lately?" I asked.
"Seriously?" he raised an eyebrow, as if I should somehow know. I mirrored the look right back at him. "I'm a little stressed."
"It's your l-last," I said. "One more d-day and you're—done."
"Exactly," he said. "This is the highest my odds get. Plus—fuck. What happens next year? Or the year after that? You're not done. What if it's you? Who's going to go in there for you?" I pressed my lips together, dropping my gaze to the floor. He meant to volunteer. No one volunteered. Not here. And more than once he'd told me, only half jokingly, that if I was called up there I was on my own. He ran his hand through his hair. "Two more years after this and I can't do shit."
"You d-don't have to do that," I said softly, staring at the floor.
"You're my little brother," he said. "And you'd have had a solid chance of winning before, but now—well," he shrugged. He didn't have to say it. I'd be lucky to make it off of the platform. "It's my job to take care of you. Make sure you have a chance. And that's really the only way I know how when it comes to this."
"D-don't," I looked up at him, clenching my jaw. "If it's me j-just—don't. Let me go. D-don't t-th-throw your life away. It would s-solve a lot of problems if it is m-me."
"Shut up," Rye snapped, his jaw tight. He got up out of his chair and sat on the bed beside me, pulling my sketchbook off my lap and tossing it to the floor before pulling me into a tight hug. I dropped my forehead against his shoulder, looping my arm around his back. "I think I've fucked up protecting you just about enough for one lifetime. I'm not fucking it up again."
"You d-didn't f-fuck up," I said.
"And are you trying to tell me you don't think I'd win?" he pulled back and gave me a look. I just smirked, pressing my lips together and dropping my chin to hide that I was about to cry. He shoved my head as he pushed up from the bed and I chuckled, wiping my hand over my eyes. "Get some sleep, asshole."
"Th-thanks," I muttered, tugging off my shirt and tossing it to the floor before kicking back the blankets to lay down.
"And keep this damn thing up there tonight," he snapped, tossing Buddy up onto my mattress. I waited until Rye was settled before reaching over to turn off the light. I turned toward the wall, smoothing my hand over Buddy's fur as he curled up against my chest and trying to pretend I couldn't hear Rye's quiet crying.
Thank you guys, as always, for all your amazing reviews, favorites, and follows. This time next week we'll be bringing things to a close. As always, you can come find my husband and I on tumblr. He's yourpeetaisshowing, and I'm alonglineofbread.