A/N: Again, I'm sorry I let you wait for so long. I really hope you like this one x
Jane followed Maura without asking any more questions for the moment. She seemed to know exactly what the keys were for and what she wanted to show Jane. She stood next to her friend and felt the evening chill on her bare skin; wishing for Maura to wrap her arms around her. She wasn't cold since it was still summer but it had certainly cooled down a little. She faced Maura, knowing that she was watching her.
Without a word, Jane held out her hand and Maura stepped a little closer, leaning into Jane while they waited for the taxi. Much to Jane's dismay it didn't take too long and she let go off Maura and got into the backseat while Maura gave the driver the destination that was still unknown to Jane. She got in the backseat with Jane and noticed the closeness which was what she'd been longing for all the time but it suddenly made her feel uneasy. She didn't know what to do next; she was nervous and grateful when Jane laid her arms around her shoulders and she leaned into her. Maura's head rested against her shoulder and Jane placed a soft kiss on her temple and held Maura close.
"You gonna tell me where we're going?" Jane asked and held Maura's hand. She just couldn't let go; she needed the physical connection between them right now.
"To the past," was all Maura said for a while. She closed her eyes, asking herself what she might find when they got there. She knew what the keys were for but she couldn't quite think of anything she would find there but knowing Gibbs there was a reason he left her the keys. She needed to know and she wanted Jane to know. She felt her body softly moving up and down with Jane's slow breathing while she leaned into her. There was no need to wait any longer and Jane deserved to know the truth. She asked her not to talk about it tonight and Maura didn't want to do so, but taking her there might be the first step in the right direction. It would give her an impression of the things she would soon find out about. She wanted to fall asleep in the arms that held her body tightly, every part of her body wanted to be with her and never let go again. She raised her head and looked at Jane, their faces only inches apart. She was slightly irritated when she felt Jane's hot breath on her face; her eyes on her lips before she looked up to meet Jane's.
"Thank you," Maura whispered and turned a little to face Jane. "For being here," she said and Jane raised her hand, softly touching her cheek; tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear. She saw the detective's face in the semi-darkness; lighten up with every street lamp they passed.
"I... I just couldn't wait," she said and closed the distance between them, placing a soft kiss on Maura's lips that had her aching for more the moment they parted. The taxi slowed down and Maura looked out of the window without getting out of Jane's arms. Nothing seemed to have changed and she had this weird feeling spreading inside of her. She was excited to be here but the sight of the building also filled her with guilt and even shame. She wanted to walk into the building while a part of herself was dreading it. She knew that there were many memories that she had left behind; that waited to be relived step by step. Things and people she had yet to face again and explain it all. So many pieces that now lay sleeping in front of her, waiting to be woken up once again. She got out of the taxi, feeling the evening chill on her skin. She paid the driver and walked up next to Jane and no one said a word for a few seconds.
"Wow," Jane said quietly. "I certainly didn't expect this," she said and looked at Maura.
"I immediately recognized the keys," she explained. "But I have no idea what'll be waiting for us inside. If there is anything or anyone at all."
"Wanna find out?" Jane asked.
"Do you?" she asked Jane and looked at her.
"I'd love to," Jane told her although the thought made her feel a little nervous.
Maura nodded but didn't move. She turned a little and stood right in front of the taller woman. "But, could you just kiss me already?" she asked softly and Jane didn't hesitate a second and finally laid her arms around her, her soft lips meeting Maura's. She wrapped her arms around the blonde, deepening the kiss with every passing second. It felt like both women wanted to memorize each moment before it passed, slowly taking their time. They'd both been waiting far too long for that kiss to happen. For the first time it didn't feel rushed or desperate, it just felt right.
Jane leaned her forehead against Maura's, closing her eyes for a second. If it wasn't for the need to breathe she would've let the kiss last forever. She smiled and kissed Maura's slightly swollen lips again.
"You ready?" Jane whispered.
"Now I am," Maura answered and they walked toward the NCIS Headquarters. The entrance area was still well lit though Maura saw that there wasn't much going on; most of the people went home for the night if there wasn't a case that kept them busy and only the very unlucky ones were forced to stay just in case.
Maura took the keys out of her purse only to find the main door still unlocked. She knew that the second key was the one for the lockers on her desk; or the one that had been hers. Slowly, Maura walked into the building with Jane at her side. At the first sight, there wasn't much that had changed. It still seemed very familiar. She let her gaze wander, taking each detail in; remembering it if it'd been yesterday. She paused for a second and bit her lip.
"You okay?" Jane asked softly and Maura nodded. Just as she'd expected, there were many unoccupied desks and the poor ones who were still working scarcely noticed them. They were probably busy with everything they weren't supposed to do at work.
Maybe they don't recognize me or didn't know me at all, Maura thought while she slowly approached the desk that had once been hers. Or maybe someone had told them I was coming. Maybe Gibbs knew. She stopped walking and looked at Tony's desk; smiling to herself. Some things certainly never change, it still appeared to look the same way it had the last time she'd seen it. She turned her head and saw Jane behind her; she just waited while giving her some space. Once she'd made sure she wasn't alone, she looked straight ahead again. She still had to talk to him; telling him the truth about her feelings. To be honest, she felt eased when there wasn't anyone of her former colleagues around. Facing them all tonight would certainly be too much for her now. She just needed to take one step at a time. Then, Maura walked on and stood in front of the desk that had once been hers. She just stared at it, imagining herself sitting there while Tony was watching her over the edge of his screen; teasing her with whatever came to his mind. It looked different now Maura thought and looked around, no one seemed to be watching her. There was a box at the right side of the table but she didn't pay much attention to it. She walked around the table and looked at Jane who stepped a little closer.
"Had that been yours?" she asked.
"Yes," Maura simply said and had a sudden urge to sit down at 'her' desk just once more, asking herself if it'd be weird or what Officer David might think, should she find out. After a moment of consideration, she pushed that thought out of her mind and slowly sat down on the chair. She wasn't around and Maura didn't plan on changing or taking anything.
"I have to say," Jane said quietly and looked at Maura. "I can definitely picture that," she said and walked around the table, leaning against the edge of it. A quiet laugh escaped Maura's lips though it didn't come along without a trace of sadness.
"You like it?" Maura asked and looked up.
"I just... have never imagined you on the other side before," she admitted. Maura knew what she was talking about. She herself had never even dreamed of being 'on the other side' herself; watching everyone doing the job she was used to do.
"Me neither," she said and looked at the things arranged on the table, there was nothing that drew her interesting. Nothing except the box she didn't care about at first. She stared at the letters and numbers written at the front of the box; her chest tightening a little.
"What is it?" Jane asked who had noticed that something was going on. Slowly Maura reached out and turned the box a little so that Jane was able to read what had been written on it. It said:
"Special Agent Caitlin Todd
25th November, 1976 – May 24th, 2005"
"It's mine," Maura whispered and looked at Jane.
Maura hesitated once more before she pulled the box a little closer and removed the lid. Jane stepped a little closer and Maura stared into the box but didn't take in any details for the moment.
"I don't understand," Maura said more to herself.
"Don't understand what?" Jane wanted to know.
"Why this is still here," she said. "Why didn't they give it to any family members?" she asked and Jane took a deep breath. No matter how they were related and who was left, someone would always be asked to take the belongings that had been left behind.
"Maybe," Jane said quietly and looked down at her hands. "Maybe..." she didn't want to finish the sentence. It would make her to sad, but she probably knew it already. Maura bit her lip and nodded.
She knew what Jane was thinking and why she didn't say it. She'd seen it in her eyes the moment theirs locked.
Maybe because no one ever came to pick it up, she finished Jane's sentence without saying it out loud.
"I'm so sorry," Jane said softly and laid a hand on her shoulder; Maura nodded and let that sink in for a moment.
She looked into the box and reached out for her ID Card.
Name: Caitlin Todd
Title: Special Agent
Maura smiled and looked at the picture. Her hair just reached her shoulders, her dark hair color matching her eyes perfectly. She looked at her own picture and it all seemed so very far away; she still missed the dark hair sometimes though she had gotten used to the blonde long ago. She handed the ID to Jane.
"Wow," she whispered softly. She looked at a picture of a younger woman with a different hair color but there was no doubt it was Maura for her. She'd always be. Maura leaned her head on her hand and tilted her it a bit, watching Jane. She looked up from the card Maura had just given her and looked at the woman in front of her instead.
"You're..." Jane started and tried to find the right words.
"Younger?" Maura offered.
"Even more beautiful now," Jane answered and Maura felt herself blushing a little.
"Thank you," she said and took a file out of the box; she noticed a couple of pictures and suddenly wasn't sure if she wanted Jane to see any one of them. She put the file on the table in front of them so Jane could read it too and opened it. It contained a picture of her that looked similar to the one on the ID along with a couple of basic information.
"I've never seen that one before," she said while she read through the first page; slowly reviving the woman she'd once been. She didn't know what kind of information and how many had been written down on these papers. She turned the pages and noticed that every little step of her career had been captured in her personal file. Jane read it in silence, taking in every piece of the past that helped her creating and image of the woman that Maura had once been. A part of her found it hard to believe and impossible to imagine while the other one was simply impressed and curious.
Jane was quiet until Maura turned to the next page; she wasn't as nearly as excited as she'd first imagined herself to be. With every page she turned, her past was uncovered a little more and once again she was confronted with the mess she had left behind and the life she had abandoned. It made her very sad and she remembered that not every bit of it had been a pleasant memory and that some of them were rather painful, let alone the terrible incidents that had forced her to make that decision after all.
Jane stared at the picture in front of her and felt a sudden rage inside her body; although she knew it'd been a long time ago, it still made her furious. She looked at the picture of a woman who suddenly didn't look so much like Maura at all. Her eyes were empty and had none of the beauty that Jane loved so much. Every tiny sparkle had simply vanished from her eyes when that picture had been taken; they looked dull and empty and there was none of the warmth left that gave Jane so much comfort whenever she looked into them. There were dark shadows under her eyes and her hair wasn't as nearly as perfect as it used to be every time Jane met Maura. There was the need to protect Maura and to punish the person who'd done this when she looked at the picture and the bruises on her face.
Even the imagination of someone doing that to Maura made her feel incredibly furious.
There were several bruises on Maura's face and a cut on her bottom lip that didn't look to decent. Maura herself stared at the picture and closed her eyes; for just one second she felt his hand hitting her face, her lip bursting under the impact of it. She felt her lip throbbing, the warm blood trickling down; the metallic taste of blood in her mouth. She felt her body shivering with rage for a moment, remembering the fear and the hate, the tingle in her fingers after it happened.
She laid a hand on her forehead and took a deep breath.
"What happened?" Jane asked quietly and shook her head. It made her sad to see Maura like this; for a moment she was glad that Maura was their Medical Examiner now. She was less likely to be harmed like this while working in the morgue.
"I... I'd been taken hostage by a terrorist," Maura explained calmly; she could tell Jane was shocked and maybe even scared. She may have started to realize that things were far more complicated then she thought. And far more dangerous and complex.
"Oh my God," Jane whispered and tried to let it all sink in. "But... why? Why you?" Jane asked while she was trying to understand.
"He had that kind of thing with Gibbs," Maura said. "Let's just say they weren't on good terms," she said and Jane was about to smile at the way Maura was talking now. She slowly started to realize that there were indeed differences between Caitlin and Maura. She just hadn't figure it out yet since Kate was still a stranger to her. She'd have laughed if the information that the woman she loved had once been kidnapped by a terrorist wasn't so terrifying. "He took me, knowing I was an important member of his Major Case Response Team; he wanted some information."
"What did you do?" Jane asked.
"Kept my mouth shut of course," he said and laughed at the expression on Jane's face before her voice was serious again.
"How did you get outta there?"
"Well, they treated me quite nicely; considering they were terrorists. The gentleman even brought me some ice after beating up my face," she said dryly and for some reason it made Jane even more furious. "He was on a mission to assassinate the Presidents of the U.S and Israel, I wasn't what he wanted."
"I don't know what to say," Jane admitted and looked at Maura, an expression of pity, sympathy and sadness written on her face. She knew Maura was sad too, but she didn't want to show.
"It's... it's okay," she said and turned the page; she didn't want to see the picture any longer. There was manly text written on the other pages and she paused for one more moment when she read the very last sentence written in her file.
"24th of May, 2005: Special Agent Caitlin Todd was shot dead in line of duty."
For the first time tonight she felt the sadness becoming unbearable; the pressure on her chest tightening. She felt her eyes burning with tears and blinked them away before she finally closed the file.
She knew Jane noticed and was glad that she didn't show it for now, it'd certainly be too much if she allowed Jane to close her in her arms and just let go. She wasn't quite ready for that; she still had a little strength to go on. Before Jane had a chance to say something, Maura took a photo out of the box and laughed through the tears and wiped them away with her thumb.
"Lovely," Jane said when she took the photo.
"He called me NCIS Poster girl," she said with a smile. Jane actually laughed at that one and looked at the picture of a younger woman, wearing a NCIS cap and an expression on her face that was something between amusement and boredom. The pictured basically screamed "Really?"
"Who did?"
"Tony," Maura told her. "It was my very first case with the NCIS team. A marine had died during a night-training exercise when his parachute failed to open and the reserve hadn't worked either. I showed up at the crime scene with my fancy clothes and my high heels," she said and smiled at the memory. Jane could definitely picture that.
"Gibbs hadn't been to happy about my attire and Tony thought it'd been funny," she told Jane. "That was when the picture was taken."
Jane looked at the picture for a few more seconds and asked herself what'd be like to work with Maura on a crime scene, not as colleagues but as actual partners. She might definitely like that.
"What's with the other pictures?" Jane asked and looked into the box.
"I don't know if I want you to see that," Maura told her; a part of her was actually serious.
"Can't be that bad," Jane said and wanted to take another one out of the box when she saw a slightly smaller folder.
"What's that?" she asked and took it before Maura had a chance to answer. Maura waited with her answer and let Jane have a look first; she leaned her head on her hand again, her eyes on the empty desk in front of her.
"This is amazing," Jane said and looked at each one of the portraits. "I never knew you could draw like that," Jane said and was seemingly amazed.
"There's one missing," Maura said when she watched Jane looking at the pictures. "Abby's is not in there."
"Who's Abby?" Jane asked and wondered how she might look like; she'd gotten an impression in every member of the team but her so far.
"She's the forensic. I drew her as a bat, she loved it so much that she kept it and hung it up in the lab."
"A bat?" Jane asked and raised an eyebrow.
"A bat," was all Maura said and the thought of Abby brought the sadness back to the surface. "I liked her a lot; I don't know how to face her. I'm so sorry," she said quietly. "You might see her tomorrow," Maura said.
"Just tell me if there's anything I can do,"Jane said.
"You're here," Maura told her. That's more I could've ever asked for."
With one movement, Jane closed the distance between them and kissed Maura gently. For once she didn't care if someone was watching; no one knew her so she decided not to give a damn. Maura took a deep breath after breaking the kiss and smiled at Jane who was holding holding another photo.
"Really?" Jane asked and turned the picture for Maura to see.
"Oh God," Maura whispered and laid her face in her hands. "Well, there's another one," she said and cleared her throat before handing Jane the second picture.
"Please tell me this isn't real?" she asked and raised an eyebrow at the two photos. "And why would that picture be in a box with your belongings?" Jane wanted to know and pointed at the manip of Tony she had once made when he'd been teasing her about the wet t-shirt contest picture he'd found. She had no idea he had them printed and she couldn't figure out why he might've done it.
"I made it," she said and leaned back in the chair the way she'd done it so many times before though this time there wasn't anyone watching her from the opposite. "He..." Maura started and realized that her voice was getting calmer and sadder. "We were just fooling around," she started to explain. "He was teasing me with the picture," Maura said and pointed at her own. "Threatening to tell everyone and show it to Gibbs and he wouldn't be quiet about it so..." she said and looked in the direction of his desk again. "We were... trying to work," she said and laughed quietly to herself though all sense of humor had vanished from it. "I made that picture to have something against him and we both decided to delete the pictures at the same time," she said. "Turned out we both weren't too honest. We both had the same thought and sent the pictures to Gibbs," she said and shook her head.
Jane laughed but noticed the sadness that had overcome her friend.
"We never talked about it again and he never said a word," Maura said. Those two pictures were a perfect reminder of the relationship they had. There wasn't a day without teasing of some kind, childish remarks of any kind or fooling around. It was just the way they'd been; something they needed apart from the difficulties their job offered. It was something that had defined their relationship and somehow she slowly started to understand why Tony had put the pictures in the box.
There was one last picture and she knew immediately when it had been taken; It was a rather dark picture, you couldn't make out much of the background but her face was lit with candlelight and there was an expression of amazement and happiness written all over it. Suddenly, the picture started to blur in front of her eyes when they filled with tears.
It had been taken on her 28th birthday; it had been a very long day with a though case that had already kept them busy for weeks by then and there hadn't been much time to give her birthday much of a thought. It almost seemed like no one had back then; she hadn't expected to be surprised with a birthday cake that Abby had made just for her and with a quiet little party with all team members in the office. She'd had the most wonderful birthday in ages and she'd been really touched when they'd done that for her. She'd been very happy for the first time in ages; feeling good where she'd been. Her birthdays had never been the same again after that though that had started to change once again when Jane had walked into her life.
Maura bit her lip wiped the tears from her cheeks when Jane took her hand and gently pulled her out of the chair into her arms. She laid her arms around Maura; her head on Jane's shoulder. She tried to breathe calmly; attempting to ease the pressure in her chest.
"It's okay," Jane whispered and ran her hand up and down Maura's back for some comfort. She was still trying to understand it all; processing all the information and pieces of memories she'd heard about. She was terribly tired and maybe a little confused. She wanted to come up with more words; giving her the comfort she needed but all she had to offer right now was holding her closely until she felt better.
"There's something else," Maura said quietly and let go off Jane to retrieve the object from the box. She held a small black box in her hand; the surface of it was soft and she didn't remember that one. She knew for sure that she'd never seen it before. Jane leaned against Maura, an around her hip while she looked over her shoulder.
"What is it?" Jane asked.
"I don't know," Maura answered but as soon as she opened the box she remembered it though she had only read it in the newspapers years ago. She immediately felt the tears springing back to her eyes and this time she had no strength left to fight them.
In her hands she held the Presidential Medal of Freedom that had been awarded to her.
"That's... incredible," Jane whispered and felt Maura shivering with sobs. "Sweetheart," Jane whispered and Maura turned around; Jane wrapped her arms and her legs around Maura while she was still sitting at the table and held her tightly. The sounds of Maura's heartbreaking sobs brought tears to her eyes.
"It's gonna be okay," Jane whispered and bit her lip, trying to keep her tears from falling. Maura felt tired while sobs slowly subsided. She'd been strong for so long, trying to hold on and keep going. She never had a chance to tell anyone about her secret until now. It was a relieve to let it all out but it certainly was painful at the some time and she felt herself overwhelmed with the emotions and the memories.
"I'm sorry," Maura said and Jane wiped a few tears from her face.
"Don't be," she said softly and embraced Jane again. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath; it felt good to be held like that and to feel that you know where you belong after all.
"I've never seen it," she said tearful and looked at the Medal in her hands; that wasn't the main reason why she broke into tears though. It was the whole picture of it all that pushed her over the edge. "It's..."
"Understandable," Jane said and kissed her.
"I'm tired," Maura said and Jane nodded.
"So am I and they start giving us weird looks anyways, we should get outta here before they started asking questions," Jane said and looked around. Maura had indeed forgotten about the fact that they weren't alone.
"I guess they've been told," Maura said and started putting the things back into the box. "Otherwise they would've called security already."
She closed the box and looked at it for a second; she wasn't sure if she wanted to take these home but leaving it behind didn't feel right either.
"I think I've got enough for tonight," Maura said.
"Let's give it some time to let that sink in," Jane agreed. Maura took the box from the table while Jane took her hand when they walked out of the building.