A/N: Intimate chapter, this one. I don't know it's the more open I've been about my complicated love for Meredith Grey. As a viewer, a cold twisted libra, a girl with ambition and hope, at least like I think I see myself, I heart Cristina something fierce, she is the girl I sometimes am, she is the girl I want to be. Meredith on the other hand, is that beautiful girl who seemingly have it all, the unattainable girl, the girl you would expect living the fairytale, the girl you'd never guess the melancholy she is hiding. She is strong, confident, and bold, except... well when she isn't. That's when she fascinates me. When she is not... I found strength and solace in her flaws and weaknesses. I also have a thought for Derek. Because I do miss him something fierce. Hope that you will all like it!

-41-

Being Meredith (Remix)

Meredith was looking at the water slowly running through the faucet. It was a slow and sinuous stream running along the stainless steel then sliding against the bathtub enamel. It reminded her of his hand sliding against her naked skin, following every curve passionately. Meredith gasped for air and then dived in the water more earnestly. She had no idea what she just did. Sure, she remembered everything he did to her… Meredith came up for air. Well, everything they did to each other. Could it be she just made love with a stranger? It was a voluptuous affair taming the hunger in her body. She's not even going to deny it. She was even in some way hard to please. But the water was so warm it embraced every last places he kissed. Meredith stared at the dizzying view of the Seattle Skyscrapers and the Space needle in front of her. She closed her eyes and dived in again. She remembered gasping for air against that door, neither her feet nor her heart touching the ground. Oh a tumultuous affair it was! When she straddled him to unbuckle that belt that got in the way of her and her needs. She remembered kissing her way to his collarbone, feeling his throat clenched in anticipation. She remembered the way he pulled at her breast… pinched at her nipple. It had been a long time indeed and she had no idea a simple nipple pinch could give this kind of results and she moaned and thrashed at this late discovery. The two of them, he had been right all along, it got messy really quick.

Meredith leaned back against the edge. Her clothes were scattered on the ground. Her blazer was the only rescape, lying almost too neatly on the desk next to his coat. She breathed in slowly. When you've been with someone as long as she's been with Derek, even if it didn't feel like an eternity really, even if it felt so brief and short. There were a few things that started to be like automatism. Undressing in front of each other felt as normal as brushing your teeth or taking a pee. Sometimes, it felt just as dreadful. You naturally started to feel less insecure in the bedroom, which was a good thing, because with time comes an empowering acceptance and confidence in your body, with its flaws and its scars. But well, she could admit she had been afraid of so many things. What if Derek broke her in ways she couldn't fully enjoy this with anyone else? With Derek, she was no longer afraid to ask for what she wanted or be more aggressive. Sometime she didn't even need to be, he knew her so well.

One could argue Meredith Grey had always been on the aggressive side of things. But what if she could not find it in herself to get involved, what if the melancholy overwhelmed her. She also felt prey to the idea and misconception that motherhood had changed her somehow, changed her body for the worst, with curves that were no longer just sexy curves. Her bust was so full since Ellis's birth. Gravity had a way to remind you your age, pushing everything downward. But most of all, will she ever want to have sex again? After all, almost a year had gone by without her having or even wanting to have sex for obvious reasons. It was only recently that the desire had gone back. And she was a little floored at how little shame she felt as she went down on him, how easy it had all been, how much she enjoyed herself. She closed her eyes with a contented sigh. When she opened them, he was sitting on the edge of the bathroom giving her a distant look. She didn't dare to ask what he thought of her. She couldn't care less in the middle of her misery. Meredith dived back right in. When she came to, the silent figure was still there and she nervously played with that ring around her finger. No matter how many times she tried to move past him. He was still there, her very own ghost.

"I bet the water is already cold."

She looked up and sure enough the silent shadow disappeared to make room for Warren. His hair was slightly tussled. He sat down on the bathtub edge. She leaned coyly in the water until it conveniently touched her ears.

"Thought you were sleeping…"

"Sleeping is overrated… " He said playing with Meredith's tiny feet.

She wanted to smile but instead she bit her lips in anticipation and lust. What did it say about her? She pulled her hair back, draining the water on a shoulder. He left his improvised seat to go wash his face in the sink. She noticed for the first time the tattoo on his back, just between his shoulder blades. It was large enough. She couldn't really decipher what it says… It was a mixture of weird symbols and scriptures and a flying bird-man, some sort of Asian deity no doubt. It looks like a sutra of some kind written in Sanskrit. She knew because she had a boyfriend who was really into these things in College. What was his name again? Henry? No, Clarence Henry. Clare for friends. He had ditched a semester of his sophomore year to travel to Thailand and he came back with tales of sex, drugs, and epic freedom, all of which sounded fascinating to her nineteen year old self. She remembered fondly that her mom got convinced somehow she was dating a girl and each time she mentioned Clare, Ellis would shake her head, rolled her eyes, and leave the room. Not that Ellis would have a real problem with Meredith falling in love with a girl, to come to her mom's defense. She always got along with her sister Sybille, the same aunt Sybille who was sharing her life with Aunt Laura. It was more about the sarcastic tone Meredith would use which irritated Ellis. Yes and the fact Meredith never bothered correcting or explaining to her the truth. In fact, Meredith used to love that look on her, a look caught exactly halfway between indifference and care. It was the strongest her mother had ever felt for her.

"The tattoos? Is it to impress girls?"

He turned slowly and leaned against the counter, a long bath towel wrapped around his waist. His waist was slim not without its soft curves. His shoulders were a tad broader than Derek's. His muscles had been taunt and more defined at one point. His arms were as comfortable as they looked.

"Not really, I'd like to think I achieve this only through the power of charisma. The tattoo is just a good luck charm."

"Oh! Really?"

"And… a prompt efficient reminder of what stupid intoxicated youth looked like at one time!"

"What does it say?"

" The sutra? Ironically enough, it's about not doing anything stupid, not waste life, and about the gods watching me, or having my back…or wanting my head… I don't really remember. At last, it asked for my wish to be granted. "

"What wish?"

"To forget…and forgive…"

Meredith leaned back again with a frown.

"They are both qualities and skills I do not possess… and I wish I did."

It seemed like a brutally honest confession right there. They stared at each other. He avoided her gaze first.

"You hold grudges?"

He bit his thumb with a smirk.

"I can… The life-long kind… I'm not proud…" He smiled.

"You never forget…"

"Not easily… not really…" He played boyishly with his ears for a second.

"You will remember me... then…"

He looked up at her.

"Always."

"Will it be the way I moaned your name earlier? Or the way I straddled you? Or the way I let you release inside me?" She teased.

He chuckled out that. She marveled again at the fact that he could actually smile like that, so openly, so freely.

"Do I have to choose?"

They were all very pleasant memories.

"Yup, you must only pick one."

"Then I will go with the way you hugged me… back in the hospital… The way we hug each other. We're really good at that. Holding each other…"

Meredith contemplated his words. She could not say he was wrong. She couldn't say she had not noticed it. The ease with which she could fall into a pattern with this man. She absolutely didn't want to dwell on the "why" though. She stood up all of a sudden and water rained on the floor like waterfall. He immediately grabbed her towel on the heater to wrap her in it.

"The water was cold." She said her lips shivering.

He said nothing but she could see he was hesitating with that towel. And as much as he was taking special care in wiping and sponging, she could read in his eyes, there were a million of things he'd rather do instead.

"You won't forgive me… for using you like this." She whispered close to his ears.

His eyes, a mysterious shadowy misty green widened at her crude bluntness. Well, indeed… She didn't know if something she said wounded him because he quietly lifted no time to ponder, Meredith was suddenly pressed against him, all too aware that there was only his towel to keep them apart. They left the bathroom for the bedroom. He was careful as he laid her down on the bed.

"Not… if you let me use you in return… I promise I will forgive you. "He smirked.

A Cheshire cat smile spread on her lips in return. He was a fool for playing this daring game. She didn't seem like the woman he could easily leave in the morning for so many reasons. Somehow he knew he was about to regret this when he seized her lips between his teeth, and he suckled and he kissed... He probably did way more to awaken her skin… If so, she couldn't describe it… She was not even sure words could have described it... There was a fire spreading across her body everywhere he kissed her. She wondered why she denied herself this pleasure for so long. She should have jumped on him the moment she saw him… or at least that first night in her room. The way he lit tiny little fires on her skin with his tongue and his lips, it would have been silly to pass over the opportunity… to just be herself again.

Take me to Church -Hozier

As soon as the thought left her, her wave of sorrow engulfed her to the point she couldn't breathe. She was convulsing in that bed with him caught in the inferno that was her legs. The tears were flowing freely as she became submerged with emotions. Gasping for air, she came to that single conclusion, wisdom laced with guilt. She loved Derek Shepherd enough to die for him. She loved him to the point she could sit on her chair and wait till the end of time for him to come back. She loved him to the point his sole absence controlled the clock in her heart. But this, well she liked this too. She liked the feeling of Warren tightening his hold on her waist as he continued his exploration of her, undisturbed by her moans or her cries. She came undone so brutally she heard a tearing in the bed sheets.

"Meredith? Meredith?"

She opened her eyes. She was in pain. His hands were massaging her side with the help of a towel. Droplets of bloods stained the towel red. He finished bandaging her left side again. She was… She felt his hand stroke her hair gently. His fingers tangled around her hair, settled firmly around her neck and before she knew he lifted her and held her against him.

"Told you we're good at this…"

And she finally breathed, her chest falling and rising against him, her arms holding onto him tightly, her feverish skin cooling off against his and she kissed him softly at first, filled with doubts, unsure the path she just took was the right one. Who was she kidding? When had she ever taken the right path? It just felt so damn good indulging in oneself. Unsurprisingly, he soon fell into pace with her. There was no rush for what he had in mind. She dropped feather-like butterfly kisses on his shoulder. He stroke her back and the nape of her neck in soothing circles.

"What do you believe happens after death?" She asked.

It was like she was trying to kill the mood, Warren thought. Then he smiled as he kissed her collarbone helping her straddle him. She was looking at him with intent.

"Dead is dead. That sentence sums up everything that I believe in."

"What does it mean?"

"Just… what it means… They don't come back. They don't watch over us from another place. They don't linger to make sure we're okay. They do not exist in this plane of existence purely and simply. Everything dies. Every living thing dies and when they do… It is the end…Right now, it's just you and me… and there's no one else in the room that we didn't invite ourselves."

His eyes were hard as they stared seemingly at the headboard. He crawled from under her and laid down on one hand. For a second Meredith feared she had angered him somehow as she laid her head down close to his heart. She licked playfully the salt of his shoulder to make up for it. His arms tightened around her waist and he buried his face in her neck. She heard him sigh contentedly. He may have been trying to convince himself just as he was saying it because she felt his throat tightened around this bold lie. His lips reached for her ears as her distraction. There was more she wanted to ask. She wanted to know what happened to him, the unedited version of things. She scared herself at this admission and as a result couldn't move a muscle for a while.

The silence was deafening, surprisingly sharp and cutting. She honestly didn't know what to believe, what would give her the most comfort. Both thoughts were nauseating to her. But she didn't want to say anything or move, or settle on a belief. Right now, Meredith was content just being and not constantly finding a reason to not being.

Minutes passed by, maybe hours, she never knew. They shifted into a spoon position, his arms around her neck, facing the bay windows. Meredith was realizing a bit late that they didn't bother with the curtains. She rose quietly and when she turned she half expected him to be asleep but he was not.

"I want you."

She whispered and this time… she means it. It was no longer just her body doing the talking. She meant it was no longer a fire just anybody could extinguish. She wanted Warren to do it. It may be a temporary thing. He may be gone tomorrow… In a couple of hours… to be more precise… It didn't change how chemistry worked. She just wanted him. This time, she caressed his hair in slow motion and traced the outline of his lips with her tongue. Their kiss deepened in a matter of seconds. His hands came alive by her sides. It was no longer fed by hunger only. Though, hunger was a good part of things right now. The towel quickly fell all crumpled on the carpeted floor, his fingerprint on her neck. It was a good feeling, his fingers dancing and hovering over her naked skin… playing with her sensitive nipples. Panting, she felt herself getting wetter. She just wanted him.

The carousel keeps spinning. It could slow down at time or to the contrary speed up. But it never stopped. You could never get down and they were days where frankly you didn't care to. You didn't want to. They were probably the good days.

A/N: Writing this chapter, I felt every sort of emotions, sadness, excitement, etc. I underestimated how hard it could be. But it gave me some closure and I'm finally ready for Meredith to start with the process of moving on with her life. That was one giant baby step!