A/N: Sorry, life's been keeping me very busy at the moment. I'll try to be better the next time and update faster! x
She opened her eyes early in the morning and looked out of the window without moving out of her warm and cosy bed. The sky outside was already cloudless and light blue, promising a lovely day.
A good day to die,she thought before she was able to stop herself.
She'd been ignoring the inevitable for the last couple of weeks, refusing to deal with the truth until the day it would actually happen. She had been persistent on not thinking about it, on distracting herself with everything she had.
She closed her eyes again and took a deep breath. With every second she became more aware of the situation and the change that was about to happen, the fear slowly seeping into her body. It made her feel numb, leaving her too terrified to move. Now that the day had come she wasn't just afraid but light-headed and nervous and was dying to talk to someone; longing for someone to tell her that, someday, it'll be alright.
She took another deep breath, inhaling the familiar scent of her home; pain flooding her body when she thought that this may be the last time she'd wake up with that scent surrounding her; nothing would ever be the same again by the time the sun would set and a new day would greet them soon. For her, it would not just be another day but the start of a new life. Little did she know that the next few years would be lonely and painful; there would never be a day she'd leave the house without the fear of getting caught or being recognized. The fear of saying the wrong things to the wrong people. While her life seemed to fall apart one by one, she didn't have a chance to think about all the terrible things she'd be forced to deal with in the future.
Hopefully, it would be a life without running away. Running from something she didn't even really now, from people she'd never met. She resented the day it'd all started and she'd been nothing but a very unfortunate soul who'd been at the wrong place at the wrong time. She knew too much and she also knew that it was the people she worked with. Gibbs to be more precise. Someone seemed to have a problem with him and figured that the only way to really get to him was by killing her. She couldn't deal with it any longer; she wanted to settle down one day without having to worry that she'd return home only to find out that they'd taken away everything she had. That someone had blown up her house while she was out doing grocery shopping. She didn't want a life where she had to worry about her own life and even her children's every day and always turn around twice to make sure everything was the way it was supposed to be. She felt herself being scared every day; it had made it hard to focus and to lead a life that she was enjoying.
That had passed long ago and that wasn't what she had in mind when she signed up to protect her country. She'd always loved what she was doing; she knew the risks and she'd agreed to take them but she was at a point in her life where she suddenly felt like she couldn't take it any more. The thought of being on the run for the rest of her days was something she couldn't live with, especially since it wasn't something that'd been her fault in the first place. She had nothing to do with whatever had happened between her boss and Ari but somehow they'd put her right in the middle of it. It hadn't simply endangered her life but also those of her colleagues. Since she'd been their major target she didn't want to deal with the fact that anyone was harmed just because they wanted her. She didn't want it to happen; she'd seen it happening once with Gerald in the morgue and though he'd simply wanted evidence, he certainly wouldn't have hesitated to kill her if he'd had the chance and she knew he'd have never stopped until he'd done so.
By the time Jenny had offered her to give her a fresh start, she couldn't even imagine how every little thing was supposed to work out. She hardly asked questions; she never asked why she offered that to her. Why she took such risks to give her the chance of a carefree life. She hadn't cared much about the reason behind this offer and she would never know now.
She opened her eyes again and blinked several times; her body felt heavy as lead and refused to obey her commands. She had to get out of be sooner or later; she had never shown up late for work and that wouldn't change today.
Caitlin, she whispered softly to herself; listening again to the sound of her own name. The one that her parents had given her. She swallowed the sadness and a part of her was glad that her parents had died already so they wouldn't be forced to suffer the loss of her beloved child while she had to try to life with the thought of putting them through such misery while it was nothing but a lie after all.
She didn't worry about money; her grandparents had left her enough money to get through the rest of her life without ever having to work again for a single day but she never talked about it. She didn't want people to know; they would start asking questions, wanting to know where the money came from and why she wasn't working. She had to avoid that at all costs; telling lies on so many accounts could never end up well; she would make a mistake one day and it'd all been done for good. She couldn't risk that and she wanted to work. She needed a distraction and something steady while she was trying to settle down again.
Kate rolled on her site and stared at the figures on her alarm clock, surprised that she wasn't running late already. Time was dragging by painfully slow; she should've seen it coming.
How many people wake up in the morning, knowing that they would be dead by the end of the day? Despite the once who chose to end their lives, she couldn't think of any. People decide to get married on a certain day, to have a caesarian scheduled; knowing that you will be a parent at the end of the day.
But death?
While being confronted with death so many times at work, she never expected it to be a part of her own life so very soon. She considered herself way too young to settle with thought of dying until she found herself arranging the day she would disappear. The day a part of her would be gone forever.
When she'd been asked for a name, Maura had been the first one to come to her mind, it just sounded right. In about 24h Caitlin Todd would be gone and she'd wake up in the morning as Maura Isles. She felt the tears burning in her eyes as she finally got out of bed and walked to the bathroom; careful on not looking at her own stuff. She was looking at it while walking by but it felt like she was watching it through a soft haze, blurring all the details. All of this would be gone in a couple of weeks; she couldn't take any of it. It was too risky and she only had this one chance. Tears were streaming down her face when she entered the bathroom, looking at the reflection of a person who was now a stranger to her.
Who would she be? How much of herself would be Maura in the end? She didn't know, she had to adapt to her new surroundings and her new job and decide how much she could let them see and how many things she would change. She couldn't just life on with a new name while being the very same person, she knew that.
Her hands grabbed the edge of the sink, tightening the grip when she found her reflection blurring in front of her eyes; she closed them and tried to hold on. She forced her eyes open by the sudden rush of dizziness, cold sweat breaking out on her face, her heart pounding. She felt herself panicking, her strength fading from her body. She didn't know what to do, she was afraid and let herself slide to the floor; leaning against the bathtub. She closed her eyes again and leaned her cheek against the cold tiles, listening to her pounding heart while the tears proceeded falling down her cheeks.
There was one question she would never be able to answer, the one she'd been asking ever since it started.
Why?
It made her furious and sad at the same time. It wasn't fair, but then again life wasn't fair at all. That's just the way it is. She had long lost the strength to believe that everything happened for a reason. She couldn't see the good in any of this. At this point, while she was an emotional wreck, trying to prevent a total nervous break down, she couldn't imagine a day in her future when she'd ever be happy again. How could she be happy with not being herself? With living a lie every day from now on. She couldn't see how it is possible to make friends and find someone you love while you know that you're lying to that person's face all the time.
By the time the panic had slowly subsided she felt weak and tired; she wanted to go back to bed and sleep through the day; why couldn't she just run away? She almost laughed to herself when she realized that this was exactly what she was about to do.
An hour later, she arrived at work like every other morning.
When they finally made it out if bed and got dressed to get some breakfast, Maura felt herself growing more nervous with every passing minute. As much as she wanted to see Abby, she was scared. She didn't know what to say and what to do.
"I... I can't do it!" Maura said desperately while she was pacing the room. Jane was watching her from the bed, a smile on her face. Though she couldn't quite imagine what her friend must be going through it amused her to see her level-headed friend, who always seemed to be in control, totally shaken and on the verge of freaking out. "I mean, what am I gonna do?" she asked and looked at Jane who held her breath, trying not to smile and come up with an answer but Maura didn't even give her a chance.
"I can't just... walk in there!" she said and threw her hands in the air. "It's gonna scare the hell out of her; I would be scared or at least asking myself if I finally lost it..." she allowed herself to breathe for a second and looked at Jane. "I don't want to," she said calmer this time and looked a little desperate indeed. Jane got up from the bed and put her arms on Maura's shoulders.
"Look at me," Jane said and Maura raised her head. "You'll be fine."
"But it just feels weird and I'm afraid of her reaction," Maura admitted. "I don't know if someone told her already or not!"
"As much as I hate to say this but I'm afraid you'll just have to go through with it and deal with it."
"I know," she said and leaned into Jane. "I just wish it was over already."
This time, Jane laughed.
"What's so funny about it?" she wanted to know and looked at Jane.
"Nothing,"
"Oh, don't give me "nothing"..." she said and waited for an explanation.
"It's just... I never thought I'd see you like this. You're always in control and now you're freaking out."
"I'm not freaking out!"
"Yes, you are," Jane said and nodded. She pulled Maura into a hug again and closed her eyes for a second. She knew she could stay here forever; with no one bothering them and nothing to care about. Just Maura and her.
"Oh God," Maura whispered after a few seconds. "I am freaking out..."
"Wanna get breakfast?" Jane asked to get a chance to distract her a little until it was time to face it. Jane knew that Maura would probably hate herself if she didn't go now and return to Boston without meeting Abby.
They worked their way through breakfast and many "what-if's" along the way. Jane watched Maura silently while she sipped her coffee and asked herself when it'd all had changed exactly. It felt like they were acting in different roles now. Jane didn't have much time to consider it yet and think about what it meant for her. She wasn't used to be the one to give comfort and deal with emotions the way she had the past days and she had always been dreading it. This time, it didn't feel like she had a chance and she felt herself getting used to it slowly.
It'd always been Maura who calmed her down, who never cared about showing her emotions and dealing with it. Now it was Jane's to support her friend as much as she needed it. Even if that meant that she'd see her crying again. There were many things she could deal with and still this was one thing she just couldn't get used to. It hurt her each time she saw Maura crying but it'd hurt her even more to turn her back to her and walk away again.
A part of her was excited to meet a few more people from Maura's past and see the place she worked in by daylight; she wanted to find out more about Maura from another person's perspective. She just hoped that it'd be as pleasant for Maura as she was excited.
"You want me to wait here?" Jane asked when they entered the NCIS headquarters.
"No," Maura said quietly and shook her head. She took one last deep breath and walked ahead. Jane followed her. The room was flooded with sunlight and crowded with people who seemed pretty busy behind the screens. It seemed like almost every desk was occupied now; there was the sound of quiet chatter, fingers hammering busily on keyboards; a phone ringing here and there. Maura was aware of every step she took as she headed for the same spot they visited last night. She noticed that a couple of people looked up from their screens when she walked by; some of them seem to recognize her and people talked. They must've heard about the rumors; about what had happened in Boston. She stopped next to Tony's desk and he looked up.
"Hello Tony," she said softly; it was nice to see him but she also knew that the unpleasant part was yet to come.
"Hey," he said and looked at her. For a couple of seconds he didn't know what to say. He thought about telling her how wonderful it was to see her; how beautiful she looked but then he saw Jane waiting at a respective distance, trying not to look too awkward while she waited. He knew there was something between them; something he would never be able to give her.
"Where's everyone?" she asked when she saw the empty tables. In the background she heard Jane's phone ringing and recognized the ringtone Jane had chosen for her mother. Maura turned around and nodded while Jane answered the call, walking toward the door.
"Crime scene," he simply said. "You here to see Abby?"
"Yes."
"She knows already," Tony told her. "I'm not sure she actually believes it but Gibbs told her."
Maura had a feeling that the conversation was over for now; she looked at him for another few seconds and asked herself what was going on but would deal with it later on.
"Okay," she said and walked toward the elevator to meet Abby.
Abby didn't turn around when she heard the elevator; there was only one person she expected and that was Gibbs demanding information that would help him solve his case.
"Sorry Gibbs, you're too early," Abby said without looking up. Maura looked around the lab; a smile crossed her face. Nothing seemed to have changed, not even Abby. Not her appearance anyways, it suddenly felt like a welcome trip back to her past.
"Hello Abby," Maura said softly and waited; she thought it might be wise to keep a little distance between them.
"Wha-" Abby said and turned around. She stopped whatever she was saying mid-sentence; there was a mixture of surprise and shock written on her face. Maura knew that she didn't quite believe what she was seeing yet.
"No, no, no," Abby said quietly to herself and shook her head. "So... so it is true," she said and didn't know what to do. This couldn't be happening. She remembered how she imagined that Kate was here after her death; that couldn't be happening again, she'd been through this once and she couldn't do it again.
"Yes," Maura said. "It is true," she said and approached.
"I don't know," Abby said and turned around again to busy herself with whatever she'd been doing before Maura walked in. "I've been there once," she said more to herself. "I just can't do it again. You're dead," she said and shook her head. She didn't want to believe it while a part of her was happy if Kate was really there.
"I know it's hard," Maura said quietly and walked a little closer; she carefully laid a hand on Abby's shoulder. "And I'm sorry," Maura told her. "I'm so sorry about all of this, please look at me. Look at me and let me explain."
Abby turned around; and looked into her face. She was standing right in front of her; she was touching her. She wanted to hug her and never let her go again, she wanted to know so many things; ask so many questions. She felt close to tears but at the same time she was furious with Kate. With Kate, she had lost a very good friend. The best she'd ever had and the weeks after her death were incredibly painful and she remembered imagining that Kate was with her; she even kept talking to her. Before she realized what she was doing, she slapped her.
Maura didn't expect it and closed her eyes and felt the pain in her left cheek. She didn't know what to do and it'd left her absolutely stunned with surprise and by the time she realized what had happened, she couldn't even be mad with her. Abby stared at her with a shocked look on her face; she covered her mouth with her hand while Maura touched her cheek.
"Oh My God, ohmygod," she whispered. "I'm so sorry!" she said and pulled Maura in a hug. "I'm so sorry!"
"It's okay," Maura said and laid her arms around Abby. "I probably deserved it."
"It's really you," Abby said quietly and got out of the embrace and wiped the tears of her cheeks. "I can't believe it!"
"Tell me about it," Maura said and smiled softly; tears in her eyes.
"I just... don't understand..." Abby said and looked at her hands. She started pacing in front of Maura.
"Gibbs told me something... and... and I thought he was trying to fool with me but.. he's Gibbs. He wouldn't do that. He would never do that to me," she said and was getting a little hysterical so Maura took her by the ankle and pulled her in a hug again.
"It's okay," Maura whispered. "Calm down," she said. "Please."
"Okay," Abby said and took a deep breath. "I'm gonna cry now."
"I missed you," Maura said and felt the tears burning in her eyes. "Do you hate me now?"
"I wish I could but I'm just glad to see you," Abby said and good out of the embrace to look at her. "You're beautiful," she said and smiled through the tears.
"Sorry I slapped you," she said looked over Maura's shoulder. She saw a tall brunette standing by the elevator, her long curly hair falling over her shoulders. She was watching them with a shy smile on her face, turning her head from one side to another. It seemed like she wasn't quite sure of what to do.
"Who's that?" Abby asked and let go of Maura. Maura turned around and looked at Jane; now that she felt a little relaxed, Jane appeared to be the one who was nervous about it all.
"That's my... best friend," Maura said and bit her lip. What was she gonna say? Her lover? She knew it wasn't quite true. Jane wasn't just her lover, it was the person she loved but they hadn't quite talked about it yet. Maybe it was no one's business for the moment.
Maura looked at Jane again and she walked into the lab. She kept her eyes on Jane.
God, I love this woman, she thought.
"So, you must be Abby," Jane said when Maura remained silent.
"Guilty," Abby said and held her hand out to Jane.
"Jane Rizzoli," she said and smiled. She had a lot of things in mind when she thought of the kind of person Abby might be but that was certainly not what she'd expected but there was something about her that Jane liked.
"Nice to meet you Jane," she said.
"I don't wanna interrupt you," she said.
"Oh you're not," Maura said and Abby turned around to the equipment on her desk.
"I don't wanna be rude," she said and wrote down something on a slip of paper. "I have to get something outta this or Gibbs will have my ass when he's back," she says. "And... I... I have to do something, because this is crazy... " Abby said and looked at the women watching her. "Just gimme some time, okay?"
Maura smiled. "Just take all the time you need."
"Hey you wanna know what kind of music I had them playing at your funeral?" she asked out of the blue and Maura laughed when Jane looked at her with an expression on her face that clearly said "Really?"
For just one second Maura was taken aback by that question but it wouldn't change anything with being sad about it now. After all, that was a part she had absolutely no idea about. While a part of her didn't want to get into to many details here, she was also curious.
"Tell me."
"Jazz music," Abby simply said. "I know you would've loved it and I refused to have everyone crying, you would've hated it."
"Sounds perfect," Maura said and looked at Jane with a smiled. Abby watched the two of them for a few seconds and turned her attention back to the fluids she's been handling when Jane's phone rang again. She rolled her eyes and Jane reached for her phone.
"I'm sorry, I gotta take this," she said. "I'll be right back."
Maura nodded.
"It was nice to meet you, Abby," she said and waved.
"Nice to meet you too," she said and looked at her until Jane was out of sight.
"What?" Maura asked when Abby looked at her with a smirk on her face.
"Your friend?" Abby asked.
"Yes..." Maura said. "Why?"
"Oh, come on!" Abby said. "Don't tell me she's just your friend..."
Maura turned her gaze away from Abby and but her lip, trying not to smile but failed badly.
"Awwwwww," Abby said and was certainly getting excited about this. "So, what is it?"
"I... I... I love her," Maura said and realized that this was the first time she'd actually said it out loud and it felt wonderful.
"That's wonderful," Abby said and hugged her again. "She seems like a great person... it's gonna break Tony's heart."
"I know," Maura admitted softly.
"He'll get over it," Abby said. "You have to tell me everything!"
"I will Abby, I can't wait to catch up. Unfortunately we're going back to Boston tonight and... I really have to talk to Tony before I leave," she said and Abby looked sad for just one second. "You're welcome to visit me any time you want and we'll meet as soon as possible!"
"Sounds amazing, I can't wait to get outta here for a few days!" Maura left Abby her new contact details and they said goodbye for what felt like an eternity and shed a few tears again though they both knew they would meet again very soon. Jane met Maura by the door and before they entered the elevator.
"Kate?" Abby asked. "Am I still allowed to call you that?" she asked. "I don't know if I can get used to anything else... anyways. I'm really, really sorry," she said and Maura looked at her with a questioning look on her face. "I... you know, you were... gone and... I... I told Tony the truth about your tattoo..."
She bit her lip and shrugged but Maura just laughed out loud and said: "Don't worry," and turned around to leave.