-42-

Basking in the glory of past mistakes

Surgeons are thrill-seeking monster, coupled with patented liars if they tell you otherwise. We all need a little danger in our life. Why else would we choose a profession where you had to be constantly on edge. You had to be vigilant about everything, have a care for all details, because everything was a matter of life and death. You made a mistake and there was no do over. It was done. So, you were in it for the thrill. You were addicted to it, the rush... Standing on an edge, committing a mortal sin, taking a leap of faith whenever... This was part of a surgeon's DNA. You just hope each time you made a mistake that it could be somewhat repaired and the past amended. And that was it? But the next day, guess what? You were just prepared to risk it all again. You were convinced indeed that it always served a deeper purpose. It all serves a greater purpose.

Her body arched upward, and tensed. She let out a deep moan and gasped as she tried to find her breathing again. He touched her belly slightly and his hand seemed to burn through her. The simple feeling on her skin, on the skin that had been on the verge of forgetting what this felt like, sent beautiful bittersweet sensations flooding her brain. Whatever had restrained their bodies before was now gone, as they lied there, in a web of entwined limbs, breathing as one. His fingers were playing with the knots in her neck; she was playing a different melody on his chest. They slowly let go of all awareness and everything became dark.

The scene shifted slowly from Meredith and Warren in that hotel suite to Owen and Amelia in the same intimate position in his trailer.

There was definitely something strange about waking up someplace you're not supposed to. Before your brain was even completely flooded with that sweet tender awareness, you were in disbelief at your own stupidity. Didn't she know it! Oh yes, Meredith Grey sucked. How come she let this happened to her again? She should never have listened to Meredith. What else was new? Meredith's advice always sucked.

The alarm clock screamed bloody murder beside her head. As she bolted upright, Cristina opened her eyes slowly. She was almost afraid at what she was about to discover. The draped curtains were a nice shade of blue like the sea. The bedspread was more casual. It was mint green. A plush carpet warmed her feet as she got out of bed. She stood in front of the mirror in the corner looking at the oversize Ontario sweatshirt she was wearing. Cristina looked through the open bay windows at the busy streets below. Thank god! Thank god! Thank god! At least she did not make it to the seedy hotel of debauchery and didn't subsequently lost the last shreds of her dignity begging that vain monster to sleep with her! Since desperate time needs desperate measure; it was a consolation of sorts. She was even in a place she knew. But her mood shifted slowly as she realized the apartment was empty. His absence as she woke up was now impossible to ignore. It made her incredibly angry at herself for falling asleep again. It was as if despite what she told Meredith she didn't get her lesson straight and she got caught up in this whole thing again. Was it old age? She really questioned herself. She just couldn't have dirty sex without falling asleep at the end. Whatever it was, she needed to fix it. There was no way she could go around doing the walk of shame every morning. No way!

She picked up her clothes on a hanger in the closet and dressed up in a hurry. But maybe it just wasn't fast enough because as she sat in the living room, zipping her boots, a coffee cup magically appeared in front of her out of nowhere. She frowned. She looked up first in surprise then in distrust. Erwan put down a brown bag on the table and a newspaper. She stared at him from head to toe, marveling not for the first time at how tall he was.

"Sugar?" He offered.

Cristina looked around as if she was not sure he was speaking to her. She was speechless. She thought he had left for the hospital already not that he was making coffee delivery. She brought the cup to her nose. The damn thing smelled good but somehow even that still sounded suspicious as hell. He left for the kitchen again. When he finished setting the table for two, he sat down on the opposite end and spread a newspaper in German in front of him.

"No sugar?"

Her eyes widened again. Her mouth was agape. She was at a loss for words.

"This means nothing."

She finally said as she opened the brown bag. She better not leave him and his imagination wander. She better crushed this puppy's spirit early. Oh this crescent-looking thing looked so damn good!

"They're not croissant, they're Gipfeli. It's almost the same. I'm no purist. Baker is german. Well, his wife is Italian. Mostly it's good… what he does… what they do… But it's not traditional croissant. I like these but if you don't… I can probably find something else… There's some bread too in… the kitchen. I can probably make pancakes... or not... It's been a long time and well... But well, there's also the fact I don't really know how to to take in consideration."

Cristina said nothing and helped herself to one of the small pastries. She ate slowly. She kept staring at him with something akin to raw fascination. He just looked so different in the morning glow. He even looked different than his annoying hospital self. Sure, he was still this blabbering mess. But he looked damn cute blabbing nonsense and she also discovered he was hiding a body under this scrubs of his. He was tall and slender underneath all these clothes. He had a great set of hands. She stared at his hands with nimble long fingers. He looked absorbed by his read.

"You think this means something, huh?" She asked in defiance.

He looked up smiling with this boyish candidness in his eyes. He looked like this horrible kid who still believes in Santa Claus after everyone took turned explaining to him that Santa wasn't real. It was disgusting.

"No, you said it yourself it means nothing."

He smiled and got back to reading.

"Good. You have to remember that because it really means nothing." She said as she sipped on her coffee.

"You insisted seven times after all."

"Seven… time. "

"Well, once when you knocked on my door at four in the morning… Another time when we kissed in the living room… Three times when we…"

"I get the picture. I really insisted… But if I do repeat myself on this particular subject it's because… It's important that we remember that we need to keep a healthy distance to each other from now on."

"It means nothing, alright."

"What did you just say? What part did you not understand?"

"I was just establishing the fact that this means nothing."

" Listen, it probably won't happen again. I don't know why you insist on this."

He nodded just as he did the unthinkable and dipped his fake croissant in his coffee. Cristina closed her eyes.

"What are you doing? We're not a couple. This didn't happen. So don't do "coupl-y" things! "

It was his turn to be surprised. He quirked one of his thick eyebrows in confusion.

"Like…"

"You know, dipping?"

"You don't like dipping."

"It's not the problem. It's just… It's a gross thing to do when you're not in a relationship with someone. "

"Dipping? In my coffee?" He asked.

"This is a mistake. I should go."

Cristina suddenly stood up.

"Wait! Because I dipped in my coffee? You never…dip… anything… I mean… Jam… butter… Cheese… They are cheese people. I'm not a cheese person. I'm a pretty straightforward dipper. Butter is my jam. I only do butter. But if you're not a dipper, I can understand. I can stop..."

" No, no,no, no, no, that's not it! Don't do this! Don't misinterpret! I do love dipping stuffs. Dipping is not the problem."

"So the problem is…"

"You don't really understand that this means nothing and I don't know how to make you understand."

She sat down. He was too innocent. Too "bambi spawned" for her taste. Even Shane had a vague awareness to him... This could never work.

" I see… Cristina, what's your favorite color?"

"This is exactly what I'm talking about."

"So… You're not gonna tell me?"

"I like red but this is exactly what I was afraid of. We don't need to have conversations. We don't need to have breakfast!"

"But we had conversations before. We had breakfasts before… I'm just trying to stay in the "before" part of our relationship. Because now… I see you… I can picture you naked. I basically want to make love to you all the time. So I'm just trying to be … I don't know… friendly… I'm seeing the friend zone and I understand you want to bench me in there like Shane or any other guy. Not that I mind... But at the same time I kinda do... mind... But maybe, that's the safest place for me to be right now because you're a complicated person."

"I'm what?" She asked with a bit of edge in her voice.

"And I'm a complicated person too, don't worry?! But… Well… I see you… I see us… And…err… I can picture you naked. I don't know how it's possible to move on to someone else after having seen you naked…"

He muttered the rest of the sentence under his breath, a tad embarrassed.

"…because you're beautiful and all… That's what I mean."

Cristina opened her mouth but closed it almost immediately. She tried again but couldn't found the proper words. She frowned. He was staring at her with these soulful eyes of his, like a puppy, a lost puppy. She was at a loss of words. How come he looked so cute outside the hospital? She looked at her watch. She was not even late.

"You put the alarm clock on?"

"I figured you didn't want to be late. It would be terrible if… I left you there… by yourself. You hate missing…things… Surgeries… Life... We've been friends for a while now... At least I think I know that much... about you..."

"I see…"

Cristina sat down again. She sipped her coffee.

"From which part of Canada are you from?"

"Is this you..."

"Trying to have a conversation here… So which part are you from?"

Erwan smiled with an almost childlike innocence, his dimples showing. Oh no! He was another specimen of fine ! That was unfair. Cristina sighed inaudibly, her face distraught. She was so doomed. What happened to her and her careful balance? Somehow it only made sense when she acknowledged that all this mess was Meredith's fault.

"I will warm up all of this and then the night is ours."

Ben said as he put the caterer's food on the kitchen counter. Miranda took of her jacket, nodding absentmindedly. She opened little Tuck's room, reminding herself that her son was not so little anymore. He used to be into animals. He used to collect everything on mammals to be precise. He used to always ask her to go to the zoo. Today, she wasn't entirely sure what he liked anymore. He liked astronomy. He also liked Ariana Grande for some reasons and… Hip hop. He adored Kanye West. He was growing so fast. It's been two Christmas that he asked for the same thing: a dog. He was at that age. She didn't know how to make room for a dog when she barely had time to spend with her family. Miranda took a sharp intake of breath and remembered Warren Fresker's words. She could be the kind of chief she wanted. She wanted to be the kind of chief who would always find time for her family.

"Miranda? It's done. Ready?"

"Let's eat in front of the TV."

"Really? You usually hate that, baby."

"But you love it! Let's watch some games too! Some football or some baseball…"

"But…"

"I want to do what you want to do for once because you are the best husband a woman can possibly want. You're always ready to lay your life in there for me. You always have my back and I love you for it. I have it all, right now. I want to celebrate the fact that I have it all."

"Miranda… Bailey… You're not even Chief yet." Ben teased.

"But I have it all nonetheless. I have it all. Trust me. I will be the kind of chief that doesn't forget that this is the most important. Coming home to this is important."

Ben kissed her forehead tenderly.

Alex woke up in the middle of the night, sweaty and feeling as if something was missing. He realized he fell asleep on the sofa and though it was quite comfortable a loveseat, Jo was nowhere to be found. The room was dark. He opened the bedroom finding it empty. Coming back in the living room, he noticed the bay windows were ajar. He found her then looking at the view from the balcony with something sad in her eyes.

"Jo?"

"Oh you're awake? How was the nap?" She smiled but it seemed forced.

"I'm sorry I fell asleep. I had a rough day what with all the crazy things that happened. "

"Yes…"

"Listen, I know this hasn't been easy a decision. I know you're doing it because you love me and I really thank you for that…"

"You just fell asleep. I put the pizza left-overs in the fridge. I knocked something on the ground. But you were sleeping heavily..."

"I know. Sorry, it was just… Rough day and all…"

"It's been days… since it was so quiet… I mean no argument, no fights, no sudden departures…"

"And I really hope it won't happen again… Jo… There's no reason. We are good. We can work this out."

"You want this to work. I know. I heard you the first time." Jo crossed her arms on her chest and took a step back.

"Listen if you're unhappy with this, we could give Pierce her place back. "

"So we could get back to our problems…"

"If I listen to you right now, we never left our problems behind anyway."

She looked up. Alex stepped back, biting whatever remarks he had left.

"I bought you a house."

"I know that and we will live in it soon enough! You did something kind and I know I didn't give you the best response."

"No, you're obviously confused!" She cut in. " The feeling is that I don't think anything I do will ever be enough."

"Jo, what are you talking about?"

"No, they're your family… They're your friends… They're the people you confide in… The one you lean on when you're in trouble."

"I explained… I'm currently tired of explaining. I swear it's like you want to fight and will find anything."

" Yes, because I'm your nagging girlfriend."

"See, you're putting words in my mouth. I could do anything… "

"I'm just your girlfriend."

"I could tell you over and over I love you… I could ask you again and again to be my family… Mine… To be there… Stay there."

"Then ask me! Ask me! Just ask me one more time Alex !"

"What?"

"I also need things. I also want things."

"Is that so?"

"I'm scared. You're so self-sufficient with all these other women in your life. I get so jealous. I can't breathe and can't think. Meredith, Cristina, Maggie… They're all your people. What am I to you? What if you don't need me anymore? "

"Jo…"

"Hear me out… I don't wanna fight. I don't wanna be needy… I just… I want to make you happy. I'm scared I'm not enough. What I do will never be enough to make you happy! I don't want to ask anything you're not ready to give but I need a proof this is what you want !"

Alex took three steps back and let out a deep sigh.

" A proof this is what I want? You're the one who didn't want to get married, Jo! You're the one who was constantly one foot out that door. You're putting this on me but… I did the work. I walk the path. I put myself out there. I told you I was in love with you. I told you I wanted to get married. I asked you and you said no."

"But… I changed my mind! I can change my mind?!"

"You don't change your mind about these things!"

"I will change my mind if I want to!" She retorted sharply.

"Very well… Then let's get married! So I don't have to hear about it again!" Alex roared back.

"It's perfect! I can't wait!"

They stared at each other. Alex frowned in confusion as Jo was trying to catch her breath. Blinking back his confusion, Alex stared at her angrily. He heard better proposals out there. Hell, he married Izzie because she was dying on an impulse and it had been way more romantic than this.

"You think it's a freaking game! I'm not a fucking puppet, Jo. You can't put me in a box house and expect me to do what you freaking want all the time. I'm good. I'm bad. I'm worse. Freaking make up your mind! I've been married and it's not a game. It's a promise to take care of each other when things get bad, in sickness or health… it's a promise to constantly take the other's crap and bullshit. It's an everyday commitment, a long-term commitment and when it fails. Well, everyone involved gets screwed out their retirement ticket. It gets complicated… It's a nightmare to come back from that kind of disappointment… I know because I've been there. It's bad enough you bought this house without consulting me… or asking if I wanted to move out my home. But then you got the nerve to expect me to live in it fucking bare of all its necessities. Still I took your crap even if I complained to death… I did my best… I took your crap. I'm crawling in a mountain of debts but I took your crap. I gladly did it because I fucking can't see myself without you. And now that a good thing happened to the both of us, you want more. You expect more. You want me to freaking do the job again. Well, I can't. I simply can't because if I get married another time! It will be meaningful! I want the whole fucking thing with all the things I told you about. I want kids and a house, and a wife who is not freaking ready to leave me because she thinks I'm having a hypothetical affair with my friend. I want the whole thing. So be prepared to give me the whole fucking thing or just forget it..."

Jo sat down, sadness clouding her eyes. She went fetching for this. He was right. He didn't deserve this. She didn't even know why they were still arguing. He was right, this was their chance at making it right. Why was she so unsatisfied? Why couldn't she let go of this? Her shoulders sagged, she looked at the ocean. How did things become so messed up?

"I just… I never... I never went this far... I never had a relationship which became so serious. This is serious to me, too. We've been through so much but it's like there is this long road ahead... Everything got so complicated... This love consumes me entirely. At the end of the day, I'm drained from loving you."

Did she just say she was tired of loving him? No, he was probably misinterpreted this thing. Alex crossed his arms on his chest as he tried to understand.

"It's just… I don't know how to explain."

" No, I get it."

"You're not mad?"

"It's a lot of work. I'm probably a lot of work."

He gave her that smile she loved and shrugged comically. Well, she admitted that really sounded cheesy the way she said it. They started chuckling at that. Jo burst into laughter. He soon joined her. She couldn't help it. She missed that, the ease with which they could get to an understanding of sorts and goofed about the conventions.

"You're really consumed and everything…" Alex teased.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"I'm a mess."

"We are a mess. We are a team." He said.

"I'm not sure… We didn't work together at this house thing… I kind of brought it to us. You're right. I went and bought the loft on an impulse. I was a bit on the fence about this thing with Meredith. I did something crazy and it was not a team effort. It was a selfish effort. I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted."

Jo wiped the tears on her cheeks.

"And... I am scared and… I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am. I was this person who only wanted to be a surgeon. I was this person who could live alone. I was this person without friends. Now, I'm scared all the time."

Alex nodded in understanding. He could understand that because he had been there. He was like her before he met Izzie and the others. It had changed him. He was glad it had changed him in that way.

" Oh ! Don't think I don't want this... I want this change. I want you into my life. But it's all happening so fast… I get so anxious. I just don't know… why everything would scare me this much."

"I make you a deal. Let's not get married! Let's just live like we used to! We were happy living in the moment. And when you're ready, you thought long and hard about it, and you're really ready. You tell me. I will be there. What do you say?"

She nodded and kissed him.

"Meanwhile, don't ask the impossible, Dr Wilson! Don't break us up like that! Don't run. Believe I love you… Believe I want to do my best for you… Believe in us… Leave the rest alone."

She nodded again, hugging him. Alex kissed her brow softly.

" Can we go to bed, now? I want to hold you."

"I really need a hug right now, Dr Karev. How did you know?"

"Sometimes I happen to be a good doctor."

"You mean all the time. I saw you with that poor kid's grandma. You were very patient and calm."

"They had been through a lot."

"I never loved you more than at that moment. I was so proud to be your girlfriend."

"We could make something of that."

"Really? Tonight?"

"The night is still young."

"I thought you were tired."

"Well, I think I can find some strength left."

"Well, you will need it… Because I really miss you…" Jo said while she dragged him to the bedroom.

"We're going to do this on Pierce's bed?"

"I'm sure she won't mind. Let's not tell her..."