-43-

She left home

The moment you sit down and take a moment to breathe is the moment you lose it all as a surgeon. You sit down and the carefully erected walls you spent years learning how to build around patients during your residency, the simple compartmentalization of surgical acts , the emotions you successfully kept at bay, everything momentarily crumbled down under the pressure of the day. You're left to ponder what you could have done wrong but also what you absolutely did right and everything you managed to accomplished that was just in between right and wrong. You wonder then if tomorrow will be as full of dangerous crucial choices as today. You yawned of exhaustion but you're too lazy to go home. You realized you left home a while ago and you ponder if you will know your way back.

Maggie opened her eyes and yawned, covering her mouth. She was ungracefully sprawled on the visitor's chair of Debra Pollard's room, so she straightened up quickly. She was in the clear. There were few people on the surgical floor at this late hour, visitors were no longer allowed, so no one to witness the head of cardio drooling on herself. She could breathe a sigh of relief.

She was completely exhausted from supervising earlier Debra's move from her temporary ICU stay following the shooting to a new room. Though, she still had a long road ahead, Debra was showing signs of improvement and Maggie was hopeful she would wake up soon. Maggie squeezed the woman's hand before she left. It was quite a soft hand, the hand of a mother. Maggie wasn't really worried since Debra showed incredible resilience in the face of adversity. Maggie looked at her watch as she closed the door behind her. It was close to three in the morning and pretty much time to go home. But going home meant going back to the Grey house and somehow she felt a bit shy at the idea. Of course, she didn't change her mind. She really wanted to live there. However when she was taking a moment to consider things, consider the ramifications of her recent decisions, she couldn't help freaking out a little. On one hand, she did want to get closer to her biological family. She moved halfway the country in order to do just that. On the other hand, did she just lend her place to Alex, someone she barely knew, without warranty Meredith and her will get along? Did she just spontaneously went on a limb here and trust Alex and Meredith? It was one thing to say she was going to live with Meredith from now on, another thing to actually do it. What if they started hating each other just like in the beginning? What if Meredith found her undesirable a roommate, she would find herself pretty much homeless, with Meredith's best friend living in her rental and nowhere to go. It was incredibly stupid. It was incredibly bold a move and crazy. Maggie shook her head, standing in the hallway. She pushed her hair back in frustration. It was starting again. She expected the worse to come out of a situation. She was freaking out. Master the fear. Master the panic. Everything was alright. Meredith and she were the same blood deep down. She was getting anxious again and probably for nothing. Everything was going to be fine. They were surgeons. They spent half their time at work anyway. It would work well. She stood up in the hallway and sneezed all of a sudden. That was strange. She was so rarely sick. She made three more steps when she bumped into someone and ungracefully fell on her butt.

" Dr Pierce!"

Maggie looked up. Biting her lips in silent despair, she tried to regain some semblance of dignity. Two rather strong arms grabbed her under the arms and helped her smoothly to get back on her feet. She stared at those big hands with something akin to fascination... But lust could have been just as accurate. How long has it been since she had this intimate a contact with someone of the opposite sex? Oh well, there was Ethan. But it wasn't that memorable to be honest.

"Dr Pierce? Are you ok?"

She was startled of her concentration.

"Dr Pierce!"

"Oh Dr McQueen ! Sorry, I wasn't really looking." She looked at her shoes.

Not because her shoes were pretty, mind you, she was dragging in a pair of ugly scrubs sandals and they might as well be the only thing pristine thing on her since she had spent the day running from OR 1 to battlefield without pausing or taking a shower. Ed McQueen smiled. He was one of those guys who smiled easily. He was probably amused or was it pity? Was it pity? She looked miserable and gross. Maggie was horrified at her mistake. Was he taking pleasure in seeing her like this? Ed McQueen was the only senior cardio attending left in the wake of the departure of her predecessor and Cristina Yang. He was also a survivor of the great Exodus that followed Yang's Harper Avery loss. He was honestly skilled and experienced enough that he could and again honestly should have been considered a candidate to the cardio chief position. But well, at the time, Owen went the external hiring route and well she couldn't say she blamed him since it played in her favor. But Maggie imagined it must have been a pretty difficult pill to swallow for someone who contributed to build this hospital's reputation. Still, he always played along and she considers him her good number two. He was a good team player. Still, behind that shiny smile he must be hating her guts. Maggie forced herself to smile back. It didn't help that he was he type. He was so pretty looking, in a weird nerdy way, reminding her of Dean.

"I heard the day you guys had. "

"Yes, it was... a day... Two days really... It was a complicated case. But fortunately, we are all fine. "

"Yes, this was a great save. I mean I was really impressed when I read the patient's chart. Did you really have Yeahquo on the phone? Did you really learned one of his most complicated technique in a few hours?" He said as he started walking again. She followed, keeping the pace.

"Oh! Yes! But really, it was Meredith... and Amelia... I mean we all pitched in. It was a team effort."

"I see... with Meredith Grey and you... she was undeniably in good hands. "

"Oh that's nice! It was Meredith really... And... And she is in good hands with you too."

"Well, we're just going to do our best to come close to your dedication, guys."

"You do that..."

"You're the chief." He said, parting ways with her.

She made her steps back.

"I didn't mean it that way. You do that. In chief mode... Like you wouldn't... and you needed incentives. I was not on a "barking order" mode. I was just... I was not saying... I was not saying that you guys don't... usually do your best. Night shift is good. It's your team. You're a great team leader. You're doing well. I mean... I just... I should stop talk talking now and go home."

He chuckled at her hesitation, furrowing his brow in confusion. Maggie was jealous of this man's confidence.

"Good night, Dr Pierce."

"Goodnight. Wait! You never wanted to be chief?"

"What?"

"You... You... I'm sorry, that's probably none of my business... But I'm dying to know since you have seniority over me and you're a very skilled surgeon."

"That's really... nice of you to say. But why are you asking?"

" Oh no! I love my job! I love it! Not saying I can't do the job, I'm good. I'm not good. I try... What I mean is why... I just don't get why you're not me. I mean not "me" as in "me" but you're a good number two and you could have been number one and I don't understand why..."

"I didn't want the job."

"What? Every surgeon wants to be chief."

"It's a good job. It's a really good job, doctor Pierce and you're doing it exquisitely well. Once upon a time I won't lie, I wanted this job very badly. But things changed. Yesterday, you wanted crème brulé, and the next day you want ice cream. You changed your mind. I changed my mind."

"And it just happened one day... "

"Yup... Just one day. I'm a single dad with three young daughters and I like to be a daddy by day and a surgeon by night. It works best for my girls like that. I get to go to all their recitals, all the schools fairs, all the ballet, archery competitions, even if it's half awake. I get to go to games with them. I get to have weekends and vacation. That's pretty much my life. And you know I just like to get in an OR once or twice a day and with you being chief, I get to do just that. I really like to do the night thing when you guys pulled all the heavy lifting all day and me I'm the guy in charge of the after sales service at night. Easy Peasy! Chief Hunt knew that about me. When Yang was here, she was a superstar, so hungry for it, so boisterous... She was a pain in my ass to tell you the truth. She was a character. She ruled this service like it was a dictatorship, and everyone needed to make her a happy surgeon. But strangely it worked, she was happy stealing procedures, monopolizing attendings, generally wrecking havoc with Meredith Grey. And thanks to her, I had plenty time to go fishing and golfing, things surgeons also loves to do. A guy developed habits after that. So, that's why I don't want your job. I have a life outside this hospital too. I'm not sure... you have that. No offense! It's probably none of my business anyway. Does that answer your question?"

"Well, I have a life."

He gave her that indulgent and polite look again.

"I mean... I just. I made friends. I have family here."

"Then that job is definitely for you..."

"I feel so silly asking."

"Why? That was a valid question. "

" Not really? You're a good father. I saw your girls last Christmas... They're well-rounded well-adjusted kids. You're a good surgeon too... I think it makes sense that your girls are your priority. I just... I was not thinking when I asked..."

"Well, it's okay. Thank you for the compliment, dr Pierce. But really, you can ask me anything. I'm an open book. It's truly rare around here, a guy with no secrets... You should fully take advantage of that."

She chuckled.

"Take advantage of you? Why not? I will think about it."

She went on her way until she stopped again. He was waiting for her, his arms crossed, very amused.

"Oh I so...didn't say that. I did not say that at all. "

"Well, good night, Dr Pierce."

"Maggie... We're pretty much equal... except for the chief thing. Goodnight..."

"Call me Ed..."

"Goodnight, Ed."

Okay, that was weird. She looked at her watch again. But truly, she wanted to look at the calendar. Was that that time in the month?

He waited for her all night. And when she didn't come home, Jackson was honestly tempted to drink the bottle of Vodka he left on the kitchen counter. To be even more honest, he was still very much tempted to do so, sitting on the sofa, with the TV playing in the background. She didn't take her clothes. Her luggage was still there, even her bible had not been moved and she went everywhere with it. So, Jackson thought that it was only a matter of time before she came back. He asked Meredith and Alex if they saw her. He tried all her friends outside the hospital twice. He tried her parent's farm in Ohio. He tried all her sisters without any luck. He left more messages on her voicemail. He yelled at her for staying out so late, knowing he would worry. He told her how selfish she was especially since Noah died. He told her he was sorry about what he said in his previous messages. He told her he wished they could work things out. The last messages he choked up and cried and pleaded with her to come home. Then, he wanted to erase all of it but his fingers slipped. Jackson stared at the city through the bay window. The sun was slowly rising. He picked up his phone again and the voicemail announced that it could no longer take any messages.

Jackson angrily threw the picture of them sitting on the mantle against the wall. Him in a tux, her in that wedding dress, it had sounded like the best idea at the time. He remembered it had been his. "Hey, April, what do you say we take advantage of your pretty dress and go do something truly stupid? I just ruined your wedding. Your family probably hates me now. But a mistake or two won't really make a difference, right?!" Hot tears streamed down his cheeks as he stared at the shattered pieces on the hardwood. He was so pathetic. Jackson felt the strength leaving his legs. Who was he kidding? He could never regret standing up in that barn. He could never regret marrying his best friend. She was the best thing that ever happened to him. What he felt for her, he never felt for anyone. That could not be the end for them. He sat down on the sofa. Closing his eyes, he was reminded of his last conversation with Warren. They were standing next to the medical waste station in the gloriously fading afternoon.

"It started half way through my third year."

"Oh man, you want to do this now."

"Why you have things to do?" Warren asked.

"I mean you were just in that room with a killer."

"You asked me why? I'm only answering your question."

"You really want to start this now!"

"You asked for it!"

"I don't really wanna know…"

"Then you shouldn't have asked, Jackson." Warren answered matter-of-factly.

"I just…"

"So it started in my third year, very casually. Your mother was dating that guy … With the creepy smile… I can't remember his name. Anyway, we had weird hours. Your mother was working on that trial. I can't... That guy was probably nice to her and he understood quite well some of her needs as far as I knew. But he didn't really understand the surgical part. "

"The dentist… Greg. He was annoying always asking how many times I brush my teeth like it was a pitch line for a tooth paste commercial."

"See… That's the guy! Dentists, they wanna think they're surgeons just like us. They wanna believe they're just as hardcore but they're not. They don't understand that part. They want to come home to a nice meal and go to cocktails with their wives, showing how much they succeeded in life. Surgeons, real surgeons, they don't really need to show off. They're living in the moment most of the time. They basked in the glory of pulling one crazy stunt after the other. They challenged themselves to do even better with the next patient. It's a matter of life and death. And one day, after we pulled a crazy stunt and it had been a life and death. It started. "

"Greg sucked but one day he just disappeared… not unlike you. So it's something she did. If it's something she did or she does. You should..."

"I never said that. I'm trying to explain here. I know Greg asked Catherine to move in with him… and well as far as I know that was the last I heard of him."

"So you took his place…"

Warren shook his head.

"It wasn't really like that. It was always… I can't explain that part. In all retrospect, we probably were doing more than sleeping together, I admit. We may have confused you along the way. With your mother, it was always more. She is not the kind of woman you give less anyway. Till this day, I don't know what exactly we were for each other but I was more than her intern and she was more than my attending. I got along with you too… Your mother trusted me with you… So it was something… new to her at least… New for me too… But I don't do well relationship-wise…"

"You said this before but it's not true! It's not what I remember! Why did you really leave? We were good? We were like a family…"

"Well, I did something stupid. Just after getting my boards... I bought a house and I was planning to ask you guys to move in with me. See, I was no better than the dentist."

"The House over the Lake?"

"I see you have a good memory after all."

"We went fishing a few times… I love that house."

"Well, I thought it would be a fun place for you to grow up… But I should have known that your mother wouldn't be on board. She is a strange woman, your mother. She would always make it difficult for me to take care of her… She would make it difficult for any man I guess. I respect Richard's dedication… But I was young and foolish… and I didn't have the patience. "

" So you just left?"

"Well, she asked me to… I didn't exactly fight her on this. I didn't really take her rejection well… I was angry."

"Are you still… angry?"

" No… we did grew up... a bit. She had her reasons. I had mine. It was just not meant to be."

"Her reasons… sounds like excuses again."

"At that time, your father called her and said he wanted to come back into your life. Your father would go around telling people that your mother with her new younger boyfriend was not allowing him to be a father to his only son. And he started that harassment campaign against your mother, threatening to destroy what she worked so hard to accomplish… His father, your grandfather was not really on good terms with your mother at that point…"

"My grandfather..."

"He was not so supportive of our relationship for many reasons. So she made a choice, she chose you and I had to disappear. She asked me to leave so that your father could find his place again around you. That's pretty much what happened."

"My father?"

"Of course, your father never kept his promise. It didn't change from the first time your mother threw him out on the streets because of his drinking. Your mother always wanted to protect you. You were and will always be her priority."

Jackson sighed. It was simply a lot to digest.

"You didn't leave because… You didn't have a choice! She didn't left you a choice!"

"Well, I did leave… I did it. I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye."

"Why are you telling me this now?"

"Because unlike your mother I don't think of you as a child anymore… You're not an innocent victim of the circumstances anymore, Jackson. Things will not magically get better between your wife and you. Your child is gone… Either you find a way to live with it or you go buy yourself a gun to end it."

"You're giving me ideas now."

"You're already imploding, eroding and self-destroying with alcohol; I offer rapidity, precision, efficiency. You should attack only the vital organs. You will get a much better results. That's what I told Pollard. Your situations are quite similar."

"Are you kidding me? I don't have a problem."

"You're sure about that."

"I'm not crazy."

"People do it all the time… They just jump. They take meds. They hung themselves… "

"Warren…"

"Your mother of course, she won't make it without you. So I will have to bury my best friend too. Richard he probably won't make it without your mother. So he will probably fade too… And then Meredith Grey and all the others in this hospital, the people who care about you, they will follow because they've already lost so many friends and they will take it hard. Your wife… She will probably take it the hardest. Her husband. Her child. I heard she is Christian. I think she will be delighted to know you will spend eternity in Hell. It will be a comfort to her. Well, Dead is dead anyway. Who cares? "

Jackson's eyes became blurry with tears. He bent over as he suddenly felt sick to his stomach.

"Your dad, he hurt you when you were a child. He made you doubt yourself. He made you feel worthless. Your family… being a Avery… made you feel that way too. When I met you I knew somehow... I just knew how that felt… and I wanted to help you probably even more than I wanted to bang your mother if that's any comfort to you. I guess I saw a bit of myself in you. I wish your mother and you were just a stop in my life but it wasn't the case. If it didn't work out, however, I am as responsible as your mother. It wasn't a perfect relationship… and at that time I had my problems. But this… You're gonna have some tough days in front of you. I'm not sure everything will end up being fine. I'm not sure of anything … But you're a surgeon... You have to figure it out."

"You don't think I'm not already fighting to get better, Warren? I can't sleep…"

Warren grabbed him by his neck.

"I know you wanna get better. And it's not a matter of if you will or not, you have no choice but to get better… There's only one road… If you hurry down that road, well you will get to the end of it much sooner than you think, Jackson. There's nothing there. I know that because I've been there many times…"

"Then what do I do? I did this to us… It's my fault if God would not help us. If she won't forgive me…"

"The death of your child is not your fault or responsibility. It's not even God's fault! You didn't do anything wrong, Jackson. Just like your father not being there for you was not your fault…"

"But if it wasn't for me…"

"It's not your fault. None of it is your fault! That's what I'm trying to explain to you! You have nothing to do with all this. We were adults. You were a child. We made mistakes. It was not your fault. However giving up on your marriage that's on you! Letting this destroy who you are? That's something you actually had a say in! That's a choice you have to make! Either you love her or you don't… Either you want to be her husband or you don't. Either you want to keep your practice or you don't… Your father made a choice, years ago and he could never properly live with it and he wanted everyone around him to be as miserable as him. Don't make the same mistakes!"

"I hated you… for…leaving me. For all these years, I thought you were the... one... I just hated you so much."

"I know that. I get it. I'm not angry, Jackson. That was normal for you to feel this way. I disappointed you. That wasn't fair to you. I'm sorry. It doesn't change anything at what happened. But I should have said goodbye. I should have explained things to you."

Warren avoided his gaze and swallowed hard. A swarm of emotions rendered him unable to speak for a while and he took a step back. handed him a piece of paper.

" Also this is your dad's last known addresses and phone numbers if you wanna see for yourself… I wouldn't waste my time on the man personally."

"You kept track of him?"

Warren shrugged.

"I wanted to make sure he stayed in his lane and didn't bother you guys. "

" I know my mom still cuts him a check every year. When I was 21, I found his number, called him but his new wife answered. She didn't even know who I was. I never told my mom. Before today, she thought that I didn't know about all this. She thought I was pretty much her perfect clueless son. "

"Your mother she loves you more than you can imagine."

"I know… But you… you see me… We talk and… We get each other... I miss this. It's always been simple and straight."

"I will go back inside now. Are we good?"

"We are good."

"Don't go buy a gun. It was a metaphor of sorts… Just a reverse psychology thing… " Warren said as an afterthought.

Sometimes a smile or accolade could speak volumes on the state of a relationship. Sometimes a simple move, a shift downward in the shoulders stand, the hands in the pocket and eyes staring straight could tell you just as much. It could tell you that the bridge had been repaired. What was once broken had been mended... The feeling of comfort, the sudden ease, was back without having to say one more words. Jackson was somehow glad that it had been th(at easy.

As he recalled his conversation with Warren, he could admit that it filled a void somehow. He needed this. You can think that you're an adult now, that you don't need to get back in your past and stirred up the ugliness there. You could think it was easy to forget that the pain was still there and there were a lot of questions that remained unanswered. Warren wasn't his dad, he knew that. But the older man had remained by his mother's side for years, and as a result he was a fixture in his life for just as long. He was there when Jackson got his first selection in the basket ball team in high school. He would never have made the team if it wasn't for Warren's support. They went running every saturday during the whole summer before training camp. He went to all his parents meeting because Catherine simply never got time. He came to every game his first season. At the time, Jackson had been that nerdy kid with more brain than muscles who was afraid to even speak in class. Boys ostracized him thinking he was gay. Girls fantasized on him because of the "pretty" factor but that was it. Nobody ever asked him what he likes or how he felt except for Warren. And when Jackson thought he finally had a male figure to look up to in his life, when he really got comfortable, that's when things got messed up, and Warren and his mom started arguing all the time. Things was starting to made sense now. But at the time, nothing did make sense. When Catherine told him bluntly that Warren left town, he told her she was mean and that Warren would never do that to him. Then when it was time to really believe it, when it really did sink in that he did leave without so much as a goodbye, he asked Catherine for more information. But until now he never got any answer from her. Worse, she would treat him like the child that he was, and told him that he was too young to understand these things and then she would go into her room to cry. Nobody realized what it was seeing Catherine Fox Avery cry, it was something of a disaster of cataclysmic proportions, you even had trouble recognizing it. She never cried. But she must have been depressed for months after he left. He had been angry then, seeing his mother so heart, powerless to stop it and unable to find someone to blame. That was the problem with him. He always needed someone to blame.

If only he could work on his present situation with April the same way Warren and him hashed out their twenty years beef in a fifty minutes conversation. He had been harsh on April at their last session. He lashed out at her because it had been the easiest thing to do. Blame her for the mess they both made. He could easily forget that if she had not been there for him, it was probably because she couldn't, not that she didn't want to. Expressing her feelings in a clear way had never been April's forte and he knew that before he married her. He suffocated her with his attention because he could. It was easier for him to take care of her than to take care of his own feelings. It was easier to blame the distance she put between them instead of realizing he also ran away in the relationship in some way. Thinking it might have been his own strain of bad luck that caused their child to die. This guilt he carried... for no reason at all. Of course, he knew she didn't blame him. He just blamed himself and that was probably what it was all about. He needed to tell her that. He needed for her to come back.

His smartphone rang in the quiet room. His stared at the caller I.D a bit dumbfounded. This call couldn't have been more on point.

"Hello! April! Where are you?! I called you..."

Jackson frowned. Three questions came immediately to his mind.

"Who are you? How did you get that phone? Where is my wife?"