A/N: Take the quick update it as an apology for the long wait :) x
She stared at the letter in her hand while she sat in her office. After all this time she'd finally changed this small, unoccupied room into an office only a couple of months ago and now that she was reading the words, written in black ink, she felt a wave of sadness overcoming her. Maura put the letter down and laid her face in hers hands, taking a deep breath. She'd grown accustomed to this place with all her heart and all the time she'd wanted to leave and now that she had a chance to do so, she didn't know if that was what she really wanted any longer.
During the last few years, she'd always wanted to get closer to home; ignoring that it might even be a little dangerous but after all this time, she just wasn't sure after all. The position they offered her would finally give her what she wanted. A job that reminded her of what she had had, something that allowed her to fight crime the way she used to, only a little differently.
Maura leaned back in her chair and re-considered her options.
Chief Medical Examiner, she thought and a smile crossed her lips. She liked the sound of it and it read well; very promising. It provided everything she could ask for; she was in charge and could do her work the way she wanted to. She'd have a major part in solving crimes and delivering the necessary evidence and maybe that change was exactly what she needed. After thinking it through for the fifth time since she got the letter, she pondered on the opportunities and the dangers of taking the job. She had worked so hard to get where she was now, she had created a new home for herself but with looking around she couldn't help but ask if this was really her home after all. Little had been changed and arranged by herself and she felt that she needed something that belonged to herself entirely. How many nights did she lay awake and thought of going home or somewhere in close vicinity? How would it feel to return after all these years? She imagined how things might've changed or it'd still feel the same to walk the familiar streets or parks, but along with the beautiful memories of her former life came the doubts and risks.
Being homesick for so long had been very hard and she'd finally overcome that but what if she went back, realizing that she was this close but couldn't actually go home or couldn't stay after all? She didn't know if she'd be able to deal with this again and the sadness that came along with it; the pain of leaving at all behind once again. Maura knew that it would be a torture to be just a few hours away and still she had no chance of seeing her old friends, or visiting her favorite places in Washington because the chance of being recognized was too high. She couldn't call because everyone she had known still assumed her dead.
Boston Police Department, she read the words over and over, knowing the letter by heart now; her answer was expected by the end of the week. Maura sighed and leaned back in the chair. She liked sunny California and her work at the university; she loved the beach which certainly wouldn't be the same at the East coast, let alone the gorgeous weather but she knew that this was something had grown up with and it'd be the last on her list of worries. She recalled being in Boston for a case with the NCIS, it happened little after she'd joined Gibbs Major Case Response Team. They'd been so busy with picking up the pieces and solve the case that she'd hardly seen any of the city, certainly not the way she'd had if she'd been on her own for some nice time. What she remembered though, was something she would be okay with.
What if? She thought during every spare second as the end of the week approached relentlessly with a scary pace. The days passed and Maura had a feeling that she never thought about it properly, that she never really took the time to weigh her options when she picked up the phone on Friday afternoon. She checked the time to make sure she wasn't late and waited for someone to pick up the phone. She still held the letter in her hand and tried to remember all the details that she'd been told when the first call came in. She didn't take it pretty seriously back then but when the official letter had arrived, she'd realized how serious they were about it. Maura sat down on the sofa and ignored all her scepsis accepted the job in Boston.
That simple question What if? Had been a part of her way for far too long and she would never know if she didn't go and find that out by herself. She couldn't let the thought define her again and maybe this was her chance.
She remained seated in the living room long after the call was finished. Slowly, she felt the fear crawl out of its hiding place but it was out of question to take it back now.
3 weeks, she thought quietly and rose from the cushions. She wasn't sure why she had agreed on this but for some reason she did; it made her nervous though she was eerily calm about it at the same time. Maura was lost in thoughts and unaware of her absentmindedly actions before she realized that she started packing. She took the books from the shelf in the living room, one by one and noticed that some of them appeared awfully unfamiliar.
Did I really buy this? She couldn't even remember reading it. It was just one of many books to come that seemed somewhat strange to her so she decided to give everything she didn't know to charity and simply take everything that really belong to her, every tiny piece that she had bought with her own many because she'd wanted to; because it meant something to her.
3 weeks, she heard herself whispering quietly. How am I gonna make it in 21 days? Suddenly the thought was overwhelming. What have I gotten myself into? She was unsure if leaving was the right thing to do and she was scared. It scared her because a part of her wanted to stay where she was; because she thought that she wasn't strong enough to start over again. Maura wasn't sure how to make it in Boston, let alone imagine what might expect her. What if the colleagues dislike her? It'd been so much work to get respected in a job that was dominated by men, she'd been through this once.
Rely on the facts, she told herself as the shelf got emptier with every disappearing book. It's what she'd been doing ever since she'd started med school and it had never failed her. You can do it, she told herself and took a deep breath.
This is crazy, she whispered when she went to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. I don't even have a place to stay, how am I supposed to find a place to life on such short notice? It was then that she heard a voice inside her head, laughing at her. You've got the money for it, you can buy any damn house you want! She laughed out loud and shook her head, in the past she had simply ignored her grandma's money, she had refused to use it but did she have a chance now? It certainly wouldn't do her any harm and maybe this was her last and only chance. She let her eyes wander and saw her neighbors walking down the street, waving with a smile on their faces as they walked by and she knew that she would miss them. Everyone had been so nice to her when she first move her but she as sure that the feeling, just like many other things, would just pass and make space for new memories, new friends and chances.
Friends, she thought. Sure she knew many people at university and she was on first – name basis with every neighbor on the street, but she still felt that something in her life was missing; someone who would make her feel complete. Who made her feel that, finally, everything was alright. She needed a person she could be honest with and rely on with everything she had. Someone she could trust blindly without any worry or fear. Maybe that was what she'd find in Boston, she didn't know but she would find out. While Maura spent her last days in San Francisco with packing and arranging the move, saying goodbye to everyone who was worth it and making some last minute arrangements, she didn't know that her life would change forever very soon.
Maura was scared, but most of all she was nervous about the things yet to come and once she was airborne, it was evident that there was no going back. She tried to picture her work place or the people she would be confronted with, tried to imagine how her neighborhood would be like and with all her considerations she never even thought about finding the one person she'd been looking for.
Little did she know, that, in a couple of years, she'd be happily in love; having coffee with the one woman who made her feel that way.
"Don't you even complain," Maura said when they sat down at a vacant table by the window. "I saved you from being questioned by your mother."
"That's true," Jane said and sipped her coffee with a smile. Maura looked at her in silence and their eyes locked, she was immediately soothed by the warmth she found in the reflection.
"You know, you can't outrun her forever, do you?" Maura said softly and put her free hand on the table, waiting for Jane to take it.
"I know," Jane said and put her coffee down, taking Maura's hand in hers. She looked at their entwined hands for a few seconds and said: "It's just... I don't know what to say. She's just so..."
"She just cares about you, Jane," Maura said. "It won't last too long," Maura said and Jane was alert when she noticed the definite and more serious sound of her voice, there even be a trace of sadness.
"What do you mean?" Jane asked and she had a slight feeling of were this would lead them. It was something she always refused to think about because the pain it made her feel was something she couldn't handle, not even by the mere thought of it.
"She won't be around forever," Maura said and the quietness and empathy in her voice almost brought tears to Jane's eyes.
"Please, don't even go there."
"You know it, Jane," she said and softly tightened her hand around Jane's. "And I know how it feels like," she said even a little sad. "I do know how loss feels like. I've been there Jane and you know that. She just loves you so much and she cares about you a lot and I would've given everything to have someone care about me like your mother does when..." she said and swallowed the sudden sadness, looking for the right words to put it. "when all of this happened."
"I was lonely Jane and all the time I wished that someone had been looking after me. God, I wanted someone to care but there was no one left," she said and Jane nodded quietly. It made her feel sad to hear Maura talking about her past and all those painful moments that she could only imagine but she was glad that Maura shared all this with her and she'd always be there to listen whenever she needed it. Jane knew that Maura was right, actually she loved the fact that her mother was so caring when it came to her children and it didn't matter to her that they were all grown up by now.
Somehow, she was grateful for it and it was even sweet although it annoyed her every now and then but that was just the way Angela was and maybe it was time to accept it; she just couldn't say it.
"I'm sorry," Jane said cleared her throat.
"Just listen to her, Jane," Maura said softly.
"I will," she said and really meant it.
They sipped their coffee in silence before Jane broke it after a few minutes.
"Speaking of outrunning..." Jane said and Maura looked at her with, not yet sure what Jane wanted to tell her.
"You can't avoid the bullpen forever," Jane said and smiled.
"I haven't..."
"Yes, doctor," Jane said and Maura laughed. "You can't expect me to come down to the morgue to get our reports just because you want to avoid the guys questioning you," Jane said and pointed a finger at her while she said it.
"Well," Maura said and put her coffee down. "Considering your visit earlier, I don't think you would mind that," she said sweetly.
Jane opened her mouth and tried not to laugh, blushing a little.
"Really?" she said and Maura just laughed at her. "Someone's getting a little sassy..." Jane whispered to herself but loud enough for Maura to hear.
"Hey!" Maura said and leaned back in her chair, looking at Jane from a little distance. She leaned her head on her left hand and looked at Maura. "I think you would've like Kate," she suddenly said and Jane was a little taken aback by the statement.
"Okay..." Jane said. "That makes you sound schizophrenic."
"You may be right..." Maura said and considered that thought. "It's a little weird isn't it?"
"Is it difficult to talk about that?" Jane wanted to know.
"To be honest, I never really thought about it..." Maura said. "I never had anyone who I trusted enough to talk about... all of this."
"Thank you," Jane said quietly and they got up when they finished their coffee.
"Are you working on a case?" Maura wanted to know when they walked across the street toward the entrance.
"Not so far but you know, that might change any minute," she said. "What have you got?"
"I think my substitute left me some work," Maura told her. "I'm still going through the paperwork."
They climbed the stairs in front of the entrance and Jane smiled.
"I bet Kate was sassy," she said before Maura had a chance to ask her question which earned her a pat on the arm.
"You have no idea, Jane Rizzoli," she said and smirked which immediately caught her friends interest by the time they stopped in front of the elevators. "You wanna find out?" Maura asked seductively and only for Jane to hear.
Jane bit her lip and it took her a few seconds to realize what Maura was talking about and she just smiled, there was no need for an answer.
"No, no, no," Jane said when she noticed that Maura was heading for the other elevator. "Where are you going?"
"To the morgue," Maura said even though it wasn't the most obvious thing.
"Forget about it, you coming with me," Jane said and took her by the wrist when the elevator doors slid open.
"Admit it, you just wanna kiss me," Maura said without looking at Jane.
"This is going to be a long day," Jane whispered and sighed when the doors closed.
"Hello Maura," Frankie said with a smile when they entered the bullpen and Jane was surprised to find Frost and her baby brother sitting there the same way they had when she left earlier. "Nice to have you back," he said and got up from his chair.
"Thank you, Frankie," Maura said.
"But now, you have to tell us everything," Frost said and got up from his chair and leaned against the desk that was closest to Jane's where the party was taking place.
"I will," Maura said with a smile. Maybe not everything, she thought but she owed them at least a little bit of the truth. "But maybe tonight at the Dirty Robber," Maura offered.
Didn't we have other plans? Jane thought without saying anything.
"Sounds like a plan," Frost said and walked back to his desk.
"I'll be in the morgue if you need anything," she said and turned around.
"Running..." Jane whispered when Maura was about to leave but she just put a hand on the detective's shoulder before she left.
On the downstairs, Maura leaned against the wall of the elevator and closed her eyes. She felt that something was changing, deep inside she felt herself change. With the truth finally revealed, she felt lighter and maybe she was finally ready to be who she truly was. There was no hiding and lying needed; then there was Jane. Being with Jane made it feel all right and maybe that was the one thing that helped her being free after all. It was certainly something she had to get used to but it felt just right and she had a feeling that Jane wouldn't mind.
What about everyone else? She thought. What will they think about her sudden change? She held on to that thought and dropped it when she exited the elevator. Maybe it was about time.
It was about five minutes after Maura left when her phone rang and she had to remind herself that she was back at work.
"Rizzoli," she said. "Alright... okay, we'll be there."
"What've we got?" Frost asked and was out of his chair by the time he finished asking that question.
"Found a dead woman by the docks," she told Frost on their way out.
"So much for doing paperwork," Maura said when she joined the two detectives on their way out.
It was getting dark by the time Jane finally left the crime scene with Frost. Since the woman they found could be identified by the workers on the dock they were left with far too many people to question for the beginning. She looked around, Maura had already left to take care of the woman in the morgue and since she'd be stuck there for a while Jane figured that there would be no meeting at the Dirty Robber tonight so she decided to pay her mother a visit after all.
She dropped Frost off at the BPD and drove out to Revere, much to her mother's surprise when she saw her daughter's car pulling up expectantly in the drive way.
She remained seated in the car for a few seconds of silence to prepare herself mentally and leaned back. Maura was right and Jane had actually thought about what she'd said before, it just made her so sad all the time. She took her phone from the passenger's seat and texted Maura that she was at her mother's and would meet her later.
When Jane got out of the car, Angela was already waiting by the door and Jane smiled when she saw the surprised look on her mother's face which tried very hard to hide.
"Hey Ma," Jane said when she walked onto the porch.
"Hello Jane," she said and hugged her. "Is everything okay?" Angela asked because it didn't happen to often that Jane just dropped by unless there's a family gathering or Sunday lunch with the rest of the Rizzolis.
"Yes," Jane said quietly and followed her mother into the kitchen. "Can't I just drop by without any reason?" she asked and sat down on one of the chairs just like she did when she was a little girl and watched her mother cooking.
Angela turned around and thought about that for a moment.
"Yes," she said and was happy about it. "Of course you can."
Jane smiled at her mother until Angela looked at her for a few seconds and said:
"What is going on with you, girl?"
Jane felt somewhat caught and it almost made her laugh, there was no way of hiding anything from Angela Rizzoli. Suddenly, Jane realized how much she missed being in that house or simply sitting in this kitchen and she remembered that things were so different when there was no one but her mother and Jane herself around.
"Nothing," Jane said and leaned her face on her hands.
"You know," Angela said and got two glasses out of the cabinet behind her. "For a detective, you're a pretty bad liar."
"Oh how charming," Jane said and didn't move an inch. "That's all your fault," Jane said and only crouched aside when Angela threw the kitchen towel at her.
"Why have you been to Washington?" she wanted to know and suddenly the way of asking had changed. She just sounded like she was interested in what her daughter did, it nothing compared to the way she had asked at the BPD earlier when she was angry at her daughter.
"Because Maura needed me," Jane explained quietly. "It is true what you heard," Jane said and decided to tell her only half of the story. There was no need for her to know about Maura's past unless Maura thought it was okay. "There was a crime scene and it was really weird. She'd nearly been shot, mum," Jane said and looked at her hands quietly before going on.
"God, I'm so sorry," Angela said sympathetically.
"I guess, we just needed a little time away from all of it. She was going to a conference and somehow... I thought it was stupid to let her go alone so I went there," she said and her mother smiled at her.
"That's very sweet of you and I bet she was very happy about it," Angela said and walked to her daughter to kiss her softly on the forehead. "Now tell me," Angela said when she started to chop up some carrots. "When have I seen this look on you the last time..." she said more to herself without looking up from the vegetables.
"Mum, please..." Jane begged her only half-heartedly because she couldn't keep the laughter out her voice entirely, she knew what she was getting at but maybe it was time for the truth after all.
"Oh be a girl, Jane," Angela told her. "It's not like... I haven't... suspected it," her mother said carefully and Jane sighed, knowing that there was no way out of it any longer.
It was late by the time she pulled up in front Maura's house which made her feel a little guilty but it'd been important. Talking to her mother had been surprisingly easy and it felt good and she kept in mind to thank Maura for reminding her of what would be the right thing to do. She didn't know if something would be different between herself and her mother now or if they'd just go back to how it used to be but it felt good for now and either way was fine for Jane. She took a deep breath and tried to relax, focusing on the woman who was waiting for her.
"I'm sorry I let you wait," Jane said when Maura opened the door.
"Don't worry," Maura said and closed the door behind Jane. "I just came home about half an hour ago."
Jane sat down on the sofa and waited for Maura who laid her hands on Jane's shoulders.
"Did you talk to your mum?" she asked and Jane nodded.
"Thank you," Jane said and laid her head in neck, Maura hair brushed her cheek when she leaned forward to kiss Jane. "I wanted to do that all day," she whispered with a smile on her face and Jane relaxed by the smell of Maura's flowery shower gel that still surrounded her.
"C'mere," Jane said and took Maura's hand while she walked around the sofa and sat down on Jane's lap, softly pushing her into the cushions with her weight.
"So..." Jane said when she laid her arms around Maura and pulled her a little closer. "What was it that you said this morning?"
Maura smiled at her and kissed Jane passionately and it took them a while to part again, her cheeks flushed with excitement.
"Something tells me that this is not the first time you've done that..." Jane said teasingly while she kept Maura close.
"Does that bother you?" Maura asked between a few kisses.
"I think it's kinda sexy..." Jane said.
"So..." Maura and her hands slowly slid beneath the fabric of Jane's shirt. "You like the imagination of me being with another woman?"
"Oh shut up," Jane said and sealed her lips with a kiss to keep her from talking for the rest of the night.