A/N: I'm so glad to be able to give you an update after all! So sorry! And... in case you didn't know, the story was nominated for a Rizzles fan award for best crossover, so thanks a lot if you voted for me x
It appeared unusually quiet in the house this morning and a smile crossed Maura's face as she waited for the coffee to finish. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, there was nothing nicer then the smell of fresh coffee in the morning. She used to enjoy these little moments and that feeling slowly returned with every day that passed, every day that took her farther away from her past and from everything that'd been so hard on her. She wasn't on her own any more; she finally had someone to share all the secrets with. She had people in her life that she trusted and she learned to love without the fear that had come along with it all those years.
She laughed quietly to herself when she watched the dark liquid pour into the cup and for once, she didn't envy Jane for the job she had. She wasn't sure what time it was when Jane got up but something told her it was before 7am because of an internal meeting.
"Hey there," Maura said and crouched down to put some food in front of Bass. After regarding the tortoise for a few seconds, she got up and opened the door to the garden. The sun was already high and Maura sensed that the forecasted heat wave was just announcing itself. It was only a matter of days until the heat wave would numb the city and slow down every day life.
She quickly considered whether it was necessary to buy a few more bottles of water in advance but shrugged it off a few instants later; that wasn't the first time that the city had gone through a hard summer and she couldn't think of a year when they'd actually run out of fresh water.
By the time she was about to leave, she thought of all the changes that had happened in her life again recently. She looked down at her feet and the high heels she'd just slipped in. She laughed when she noticed that she didn't have to wear them any longer. She never considered that kind of shoes comforting when she was doing her job; in fact she remembered the first time she'd turned up at a crime scene with Gibbs, wearing high heels and he wasn't pleased with it. She knew she wouldn't try that again. At some point the shoes became a part of her disguise; shoes that weren't too bad for the kind of job she was doing but certainly not favorable. They certainly would've asked questions when she suddenly turned up in sneakers when all they knew was Maura Isles; now they would regard her twice but some of them might understand why there was that sudden change. Since the shoes was all she had right now, and she had plenty of pairs, she kept them on nonetheless and made a mental note to go shopping for shoes at some point this week. As she grabbed her purse, she wondered if Jane was in for it. There was a slight hint of doubt about that but then again she wanted new sneakers, not high heels.
She opened the door and frightened when she suddenly ran into someone. She took a step back and felt a hint of fear rushing through her body because there was a single second when she'd lost control of the situation and an idea of what was going on and most important, who she just ran into.
"Woah, sorry," he said and reached out to hold Maura's arm. She knew that voice, she knew it very well and it was the very last one she had expected.
"Tony?" she asked and looked at him. He looked better then the last time she'd seen him and she suddenly thought of the conversation they had and how he'd just left the room; disappointed and maybe even hurt but too proud to admit it. She saw none of that now; he smiled at her and he laughed at the look on her face.
"Come on, I don't look that bad," he said and smiled.
"I'm sorry... it's just... I didn't expect you," she said. "And you just nearly knocked me over."
"Well, technically it was you... I was just waiting."
"Very funny," she said and checked her watch. "Do you... want to come in?" she thought and told herself that none of her patients would die if she showed up a little late. She had no idea what he wanted or what she was going to say but stepped aside to let him in.
"I hope I'm not keeping you from something," he said and walked past her. "I probably should've called."
"Don't worry," Maura said and closed the door behind him, dropping her purse where she'd just picked it up. "Do you want something to drink?"
"No thanks," he said and turned around. "That's a nice place," he said and sat down on one of the chairs beside the counter.
"Thank you," she said and still wondered why he was in her living room.
"I came to apologize."
"You could've called," she said with a smile and hoped that it didn't come across in a rude way. For some reason his presence made her nervous now and she thought of Jane. There were still parts of her past that she had no clue about and one part was sitting right in front of her.
"You came all the way to Boston to tell me that you're sorry?" she asked and started to make another cup of coffee because she had no idea how long this would take and she'd be late anyways.
"No," he said and leaned back. "That'd be a lie. I'm doing some research on a case," he said and she nodded, waiting for more.
"I'm sorry I left you just like that," he said a little softer and she remembered the times when she'd been with him many years ago and he'd talk to her in the middle of the night. How she'd missed that when she'd been lonely all those years but now, she once again realized that it was nothing but her past. There was nothing but the hope for an on-going friendship left.
"I should've stayed and talked to you," he said.
"Maybe," she simply answered because she was trying to find a way into the conversation; trying to find a way to make herself feel less nervous. "I can't say it enough but a part of me understands that you're angry and disappointed but... maybe it's time to move on."
"I know," he said and looked at her and there was a sudden distance between them. "It's probably for the best."
"It's been so long, Tony," Maura told him and put her cup down. "Instead of being angry that I died to save my life, shouldn't you be happy that I'm still alive after all?"
"I am," he said. "I really am but all the time that you were gone I was hoping that there was something wrong about this," he said and shrugged. "I tried to forget and keep you in mind the way you were. Keep the memories that we shared and suddenly you were back and... everything was different."
"I never regretted any of it," Maura said honestly. It happened a few weeks after she had accepted the job with the NCIS. She almost laughed at the irony of the whole situation because this had been the very reason she'd been forced to quit her job and there she'd been, doing the same again. She'd never wanted any of this to happen, not after all the trouble but against all odds she'd been drawn to him and he'd made no secret out of the fact that he'd liked her. She'd tried to resist for a few weeks until her feelings had ruled out her actions. The affair had lasted a couple of weeks and they'd tried to be as discreet as possible and although Gibbs had always told them that he would fire anyone who had an affair with one of the colleagues, they'd never found out if he knew. It'd been the best for both of them to stop things before it got too complicated and although it'd been a mutual agreement, the two of them knew that it'd never been entirely over they just hadn't been in any kind of position to do anything about it.
"I had a wonderful time when I was with you," she told him. "But we both knew it had to end."
"Gibbs would've killed us..."
"This had never really been about Gibbs, Tony. It'd been about us," she said and he knew that their boss had simply been a way to avoid the obvious; the fact that it would never have worked out between them.
"It wouldn't have worked out," he finally said and admitted what she'd been thinking all along.
"I wanted to believe it, but..." she said and took a deep breath and shook her head.
"I'm sorry I walked out on you," he said. "I just hope that it didn't ruin anything we had left."
She took deep breath and felt a feeling of relief kicking in. "It didn't," she said and smiled softly.
"I'm glad to hear that," he said and smiled at her.
"If you won't do that again..." she warned him, though not entirely serious.
She was about an hour late when she was finally on her way to work; she felt eerily calm and sad in some way. She thought about the things that had changed with those few words they'd exchanged earlier. It was the very first time they'd addressed the truth and faced it. That was something she didn't think of when she'd been lonely after leaving Washington. She missed him so much and a part of her regretted that they wouldn't get a chance to clear the air and now that they made a first move she was relieved but sad in a way. She couldn't explain that feeling because there was nothing but friendship left for him and she loved Jane, she knew it with all her heart.
Maybe it was just the impact of having another chapter of her past closed. With a taste of bitterness, she remembered the kiss. She'd never told Jane and although a part of her thought that she doesn't have to because she hadn't been in any kind of relationship with Jane back then but the other part still thought that she owed her girlfriend the truth, not knowing how it would affect their relationship.
She asked herself if that was the reason why Tony's presence had made her feel uncomfortable earlier. There was nothing wrong with having a friend over for a chat but Jane might get a wrong impression if she found out about their past and the fact that Maura, who was known for her punctuality was late because of him.
She didn't know if she was just being complicated when it came to the whole thing. Maybe she thought about it too much or interpreted way too much into it. Maybe Jane wasn't bothered by that at all, but what if she was? When she pulled up in front of the BPD, the nervousness was back.
What if?
She hardly ever had an argument with Jane, in fact she only remembered two times of not talking to Jane for a few days unless it wasn't absolutely necessary since their jobs required that they did so. They'd gotten through this but then again those arguments had never really been that personal. She took a deep breath and got out of her car, wondering if Jane's meeting was over by now.
Maura didn't have time to see if she was done and walked straight toward the elevators; everyone in the morgue was at work already and her assistant looked up from the computer screen when she walked by.
"Morning Dr. Isles," he said and she nodded. She sighed at the sight of the amount of paperwork on her desk and put her lab coat on. Maura sat down in her chair and leaned back, trying to focus on her job and nothing else. After a while she noticed that it took her too long to read through all the letters on her desk and that she kept going back to the encounter with Tony. She needed a change and stepped out of her office; there was no body waiting and she still had a few minutes to compare a couple of results before she signed the paper off.
"Morning," Jane said when she walked through the glass doors.
"Hey," Maura said and looked up from her paperwork for just a second. "How was your meeting?" she asked and signed the letter she'd just been checking.
"Nothing special. Just an update on those fires downtown."
"You still don't have an idea who's behind this?" Maura asked and looked at Jane.
"Not so far," she answered. "Still working on it."
"Let's hope that'll be solved before anyone gets killed," she said and nodded toward the fridge in the back. "I've got enough on my plate here."
Jane gave her a short smile and leaned against the cold steel table. She was curious why Maura was about an hour late because that's never been the case, not with a profound reason. What kept her from asking was the fact that she didn't want it to sound like she was controlling her in some way.
"How was your morning?" Jane asked instead and followed Maura into her office.
"Quiet," Maura said and smiled though I didn't last long.
"What are you thinking about?" Jane asked because she knew that something was up with her girlfriend.
"Nothing..." she said and sat down. "It's just... Tony dropped by this morning," she told Jane and waited for a reaction.
"Just like that?" Jane asked. "What did he want?"
"He came to apologize because he just left the last time we talked," Maura said and realized that she didn't tell Jane about this.
"Why would he do that?" Jane wanted to know. "What happened?"
Maura sighed and laid her face in her hands.
"We had... some... sort of an argument," Maura started, trying to find the right words to explain her former relationship with Tony.
"He wasn't too happy when he found out that I was alive and I don't blame him somehow."
"Don't say that," Jane said.
"He has a point. It'd been a very hard time for him and just as he was about to cope, I was back again. I brought back every single feeling he tried to forget so hard and suddenly I was there and everything was different," Maura explained and Jane waited. Something told her that Maura was withholding information.
"He was disappointed and... hurt and I understand that," she said and Jane nodded. She couldn't tell how she would feel if it was her in that situation. "I mean, I'm a different person now... I wasn't the person he... had once known, any longer."
"What kind of relationship did you and Tony have before all of this happened?" Jane asked quietly and was trying not to make it sound like she was judging or even accusing her of anything.
"Well," Maura said and sighed again. She leaned her face on her hand and bit her lip before she told Jane. There was no getting out of it now and she'd have to tell her the truth at some point. "We had an affair if that's what you're asking," Maura said quietly and looked at Jane. "Many years ago. It lasted just a couple of weeks and started a little while after I started working with the NCIS. I never wanted any of this to happen," she said and shrugged. "But it just did."
"Why did it end?" Jane asked although there was another question on her mind that she didn't dare to ask.
Did it ever end?
"We kept pretending that our jobs had been the main reason but in the end we both knew it'd never been supposed to work out. I don't know why, we had a nice time but there was always something missing," Maura told Jane and held her gaze.
Something that I finally found with you.
"I kissed him," Maura said quietly and something told Jane that she wasn't talking about the afraid they'd been having years ago but about something more recent, what was the point in telling her if that wasn't the case?
She closed her eyes for a brief moment and tried to process the information; she felt a mixture of jealousy, anger and disappointment flushing her body although she had no idea what had happened exactly.
"Not this morning," Maura quickly said when she noticed Jane's reaction. "No, no," Maura said and got up to stand right in front of the detective. "No, I would never do that," she said softly.
"Why are you telling me this?" Jane wanted to know; taking a deep breath.
"Because I feel like I owe you the truth, I don't want to lie to you, Jane."
"When?" she simply asked.
Maura shook her head; trying to remember the exact moment without wanting too much detail.
"Just... a couple of days after you found out who I was, I guess..." she laid her head in her neck and closed her eyes for a moment. "Everything was so difficult and confusing. I felt lost and I didn't know what I wanted and how much I'd have left after that night... and he just showed up."
"And you couldn't think of a better idea then kissing him?"
"Not for what I needed," Maura admitted. "It was a rather one-sided selfish act," she told Jane who raised an eyebrow at her.
"I was confused and I kissed him because I had to make sure that there was not a single feeling left for him and there wasn't... because even back then, when we never talked about it, or didn't even talk at all for that matter, I knew that you were the only person I wanted," she said softly and hoped that Jane would be okay with this information but she knew her well enough to give her some space to let that sink in. "That was the reason why he was so angry with me," Maura said when Jane kept quiet. "I knew he still had feelings for me, even after all this years because I brought it all back when I walked back into his life but he knew that he didn't have a chance."
Maura took Jane's hand and waited.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
"I gotta go now," Jane said quietly. "I'll see you later."
"Okay," Maura answered without looking at Jane and waited until she left her office. Instead of feeling better once the truth was out, all she felt was the heaviness on her shoulders that left her angry with her; for kissing him and for telling Jane. A part of her knew that she couldn't make it undone and after a while it'd simply be a part of her past that she'd eventually forget about. One of the many things that had gone wrong with the years but all she had to do was believe that it had all been done for a reason.
She knew it wasn't such a big deal after all and all she could do was hope that Jane wouldn't be too mad once the information had settled in and she'd think about it again. Maura didn't lie and maybe Jane would understand that sooner or later. A couple of minutes later, Maura still stood where she'd been since Jane left. She was lost in thoughts and couldn't be bothered to sit down. She didn't know what to do, leave Jane alone for a while until she calmed down or face her right now and risk that the whole thing would end up even worse?
She was still busy with her own thoughts that she had no idea what was happening a few stories above her.
Maura looked into the autopsy suit and her gaze wandered to the fridge where a few bodies still awaited her attention. She knew that the only thing that used to take her mind off things was her work and the fact that she needed all her concentration to get things right and to make sure that she didn't miss a single thing. She worked thoroughly and ever gentle to meet every victim, every human being with the deserved respect. She sighed and changed into her scrubs. She enjoyed the coolness of the clothes against her skin and didn't even want to imagine how hot and dry the air would be outside by now. She told her assistant to prepare the autopsy and paced through her office until everything seemed perfect for a start. It was 11.19am and there was no way she'd be done before lunch; depending on what she found during the autopsy it'd last a lot longer then lunchtime. She didn't mind skipping lunch since she didn't feel hungry at all after the encounter with Jane.
The first body was a man in his early fifties.
Car accident, Maura read and asked herself if he'd been just the victim or the driver though that didn't matter in the end. She made sure that everything was the way it was supposed to be before she made the first incision and soon she switched off every possible feeling and her focus went back to her work. By the time she finished the autopsy, which didn't reveal anything suspicious and confirmed the assumption that he'd simply died of major internal injuries. It was quiet when she abandoned her scrubs once again and tried to decide what to do with her afternoon. As she sat in her office once again to finish the paperwork for the autopsy she'd just performed, she felt the emptiness kicking in. It suddenly seemed very exhausting and she was dying to see Jane.
Her heart beat a little faster when she entered the bullpen, trying to imagine how Jane might react when she saw her but when she arrived, she found the detective's desk unoccupied.
"You looking for Jane?" Korsak asked and Maura turned to her left. She hadn't seen him sitting behind his desk when she walked in because all she could think about was Jane.
"Oh... I'm... yes," she said and tried to focus. How much did he notice? "I didn't know she was gone already."
"They're out at a crime scene," he said and watched her over the edge of the mag he was reading.
The first question that came to her mind was why no one had called her to that crime scene.
"There's no dead body for now," Korsak said and she reminded herself to work on her poker face.
"Why are they out if there's no victim?"
"I don't know but I think it might be connected to one of their cases," he told her. "The fires downtown," he added and Maura nodded.
"Thanks," she said and turned around to leave. What the hell was going on there? There had been a couple of fires in different warehouses when they'd been to Washington and since then there had been a few more here and there though it seemed a little difficult to determine whether it was actually a part of their case or just a copycat who thought that a little attention was fun.
The walk to her car suddenly appeared to be a thousand miles long. The heat hit her like a slap in the face as soon as she stepped out of the cool building. The heat was radiating from the burning pavement and she wondered if the heatwave finally reached the city or if the worst was yet to come. She opened the door on the driver's side and waited until there was a little bit of oxygen inside. In the heat of the moment she called Jane, waiting for her to pick up but even after about two minutes, she didn't pick up the phone and Maura didn't feel like leaving a message either.
Did she just ignore me or did something keep her from taking the call?
The first thing Jane did when she got home in the early evening was take a shower to wash away the smell of smoke that had infiltrated her clothes at the warehouse, the heat made her clothes stick to her skin and now that it was quiet after all, she felt the thoughts flooding her mind and she had no strength left to keep them out any longer. She hated the fact that Maura once had an affair with Tony, there was just something about it that made her feel a tiny bit jealous although she knew she had no reason to be. It happened long before she had known Maura; a time when the person she knew didn't even exist. Jane sighed and stepped into the shower and closed her eyes for a couple of seconds. Maura was right, they kissed when none of them even imagined being in a relationship. She'd been a free woman with the right to do whatever she wanted.
I knew you were the only person I wanted, she heard Maura's voice and felt a soothing warmth spreading inside her body. Something she'd only felt when she was with Maura. She had once lost that woman and Jane knew that she couldn't risk it all just because of something that had happened many years ago or out of sheer desperation.
Just as she was about to get a cold beer out of the fridge, she heard a knock on her door. She was happy to see Maura on her doorstep though she couldn't show it at that moment.
"You gonna let me in?" she asked and walked past Jane when she stepped aside. As soon as she closed the door, Maura turned around and grabbed Jane's wrist, gently pushing her against the door.
Being this close to Jane made it hard to focus but this was exactly what she wanted and needed.
"I'm sorry Jane," she whispered and leaned in closer; Jane's breath burning hot on her cheek. "That's all I have to say. I can't make it undone," she spoke slowly, taking in each heartbeat; the warmth between their bodies.
"I know," Jane answered and her hands wandered up her girlfriend's spine, resting in her neck. She breathed against her lips, slightly trembling and kissed Maura passionately, making it clear that she'd be the only one to kiss her from now on. Maura opened her lips, deepening the kiss with every inch of her body. She felt a slight trace of sweat covering her body, panting for air between their kisses. One by one, she opened the buttons of her shirt, her eyes never leaving Jane; waiting for her to follow.