Chapter 19

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Eric walked out of their bedroom to see the house a mess. Alan was a bit of a neat freak, how did this happen? Not to mention it was only seven thirty in the morning, it was a little early for Alan to be on a cleaning or even a panic kick. Were they robbed last night and he sleep through it?
"Alan? Are you okay?" Worried for him but even more worried to see how bad his living room was he stuck his head in the doorway to see Alan throwing things everywhere. Obviously he was looking for something. "What are you doing? It's only seven thirty, you usually aren't even this active yet."
"I lost something, something that wasn't mine and I have to give it back today."
"What was it, maybe I know or knew where it was."
"It was a book from the society's reference section, two of them actually. Technically they shouldn't have been removed from the library but they let me, they even gave me extra time with them too. I can't believe I can't find them. They must have gotten lost when I moved. Shit."
"Oh, those two, you used them for research right, the huge one and the standard looking one? I brought them back for you. I saw they came from the library when I packed up your living room and left them out so they wouldn't get lost. I brought them back the other week." Well not really but the truth was sort of there anyway. After he found the cure for Alan he brought them back since he carried the giant one with him and saw the due date coming up on it. Plus he wanted Alan to stop looking.
"You did?"
"Sorry I didn't tell you sooner I must have forgotten."
"No it's fine. Thank you for doing that for me. I'm glad to know I didn't lose them. Those two were very old and couldn't be replaced in most cases."
"Well I hoped to avoid this." Pointing to the mess around them Alan looked around too seeing the destruction he caused in his wake.
"Sorry. Go shower. I'll have this all put back by the time you're dressed. Maybe even have breakfast for us."
"Are you sure? I'll help."
"I've got it, go." Shooing him from the room he got to work putting the room in order. He did an absolute number here and in the hallway. Next time he would just ask Eric about something before he trashed the house looking for it.

Alan could tell something was different with Eric. His appearance looked the same, maybe heavier bags under his eyes but they had been swamped as usual and no one was sleeping properly from it. It was his attitude maybe? No, that didn't seem right either. That's what was really bugging him about it, he knew something was different but he had no idea what it was. When they were together whether it be at home or at work everything was normal but something was still bugging him. It was this little thought in the back of his mind that told him something was off. Asking Eric just brought him the standard, "I'm fine stop worrying about me," which translated to "stop worrying so much before you bring on an attack." And, while he truly appreciated being looked out for he didn't want Eric to feel like he didn't worry about him and that they couldn't talk. It seemed like they hardly talked anymore and frankly he hated it. He was partially to blame for not pushing that they did but Eric hadn't helped with it either. While the threat of an attack always looming over head and even more now that he hadn't had one in a few months, which meant he was due for one most likely, that didn't mean everything had to stop. Thinking about him frustrated him. He was so tired of arguing with Eric about letting him go to work, or if at work then it was about reaping. How many times did he have to tell him that he wasn't going to lay about all day doing nothing. Working, keeping busy, helped him push back the thought of his impending death.

"Hey Ronald, maybe you can help me." Standing behind his desk he searched through papers looking for his death list. He could have sworn he got one this morning. Seeing Ronald walking by he stopped him, he had also been in William's office when he received it, maybe he knew where he put it.
"Sure what's up Alan?" Switching the book he was holding to the other hand he walked over to him.
"William gave me a death list this morning correct? Because I can't seem to find it and I know he could get me a new one copy but I know he'll get upset with me over losing it."
"He did, I watched him hand it to you. I'll help you look for it." Placing his book on Alan's desk he went through the stack of papers on the opposite side of Alan. He already knew they wouldn't find it since Eric had it but he didn't want to tell Alan that.
"This is so strange I always keep it right on top of here. I can't think of when or why I moved it."
"Did it fall under your desk maybe?" Seeing Alan put down what he was going through he got down on all fours to look under the desk. Popping his head back up he used the desk to help him stand.
"You know where it is, don't you Ronald?"
"No. How would I know that?"
While Ronald was a pretty good liar he could tell he knew something, something he didn't want him to find out about.
"Eric has it, doesn't he?"
"No clue."
"Don't give me that, he tells you everything. If he took it from me you'd be the first one he told. He would use you as the distraction to get it. And to keep me from figuring it out."
Damn now what? He told Eric to keep him out of this but he never listened to anyone but himself.
"Ronald, tell me, what is going on? Why did Eric take my list from me? And why are you in on it?"
"Please don't hurt me okay? Eric took it from you because he didn't want you to go out there and over exert yourself."
"What?"

Eric got back to the society just in time for lunch. He worked pretty damn quickly on Alan's list, only took him two and a half hours. He probably didn't even realize he was gone or that the list was missing. Walking into the offices he noticed Alan wasn't at his desk, seeing Ronald at his he headed over to him.
"Hey, seen Alan anywhere? Did he head to the cafeteria already?"
"No. He found out that you asked me to keep an eye on him and that you've been doing his assignments for him so he would have to stay here."
"And you didn't stop him?"
"I tried!"
"Fine! Well where is he now?"
"He stole Grell's death book right from his hands and took off. He is really fast when he is pissed."
"Fantastic! Tell William I'm still working!" With that he turned and ran back the way he came. What was Alan thinking? Couldn't he understand he was only looking out for him?

Running down the streets of London he searched for Alan. He could be anywhere since Grell never worked in a zone like most of them did. What if he had an attack while he was reaping and collapsed again? What if he had an attack and someone or something went after him? He had to have realized by now that he was always weaker directly after the thorns went after him. When they didn't he was fine but it was during and immediately following he had to look out for.
"Alan! Alan where are you?" Yelling for him he already figured Alan would answer. If he was as pissed off as Ronald said then he figured Alan would stay hidden or silent. Reaching the water he ran along the shore, if Alan was working he didn't think he would be here but he would kick him later if he was here and he didn't look. Taking a closer look at a person sitting on the port he saw they were holding their knees and watching the water, that person also looked a lot like Alan.
"Alan. Hey." He went to sit next to him only to watch him get up.
"Go away. I don't want to talk to you right now."
"Well I want to talk to you. I saw Ronald, he told me about what happened. Let me explain."
"Oh don't bother! I got the message loud and clear."
"Alan, please. Let me explain. Unless you're working. He figured he wasn't since he was staring at the water but he needed to get Alan to stay.
"I have nothing to do. Grell actually finished his work for the day. The one day he does and I stole it from him so I could do something. It seems no one will let me do anything."
Eric grabbed his hand to pull him back down, he wanted to explain, he didn't want Alan upset. If he was agitated he could have an attack, he hadn't had one in months but that didn't mean he wouldn't. If anything it meant he was due for one.
"I want to be left alone right now. I have to really think things through. I may quit the society."
"What?"
"Well if no one wants me there; if I'm just a liability why stay? Why bother with any of it?"
"I don't want you to quit. I just want to keep you safe."
"I know, that's why you always wanted Ronald near me when you went out and I was alone at the office and why my death lists vanished on the days I actually got them and why I can't go more than a few feet without you worrying. You're so worried about me having an attack that's all you think about, it's why you came running after me."
"Alan…"
"Go ahead, try to deny it. You can't because it's the truth. You don't see me as me anymore, all you see is the damn thorns and you would probably leave if not for them. You would probably feel guilty, leaving a dying person, throwing them out of your house."
"I would never throw you out. I knew you were sick when you moved in you know that."
"Exactly. You had me move in because I was sick, because you didn't want me alone. Not because you loved me."
"That's not true, that's never been true. Come on Alan you have to have known." His own heart broke at those words. For Alan to believe he didn't love him, even after all their nights together, passion filled and not. Every time he told Alan he loved him he meant it. And sure he had pushed him to move in because of the thorns but he had always hoped they would live together at some point.
"Maybe you did at one time. But not now, that's gone now. I really just want to be alone right now. And I may not be home whenever you get there."
"Alan!"
Standing back up and turning to go after him he realized he was alone already. If only he had the souls like he should have, months ago. He only had seventy right now, he needed a thousand. Alan was right; he worried about him too much. He would only be gone for an hour, two tops before he went back to him. That was too short a time to collect the souls he needed. If Alan wanted to be alone right now then he would let him. It seemed he didn't want to listen to reason anyway. He would go collect some souls while he let Alan think things through properly, he was smart he would come to see the truth. The thought of getting the souls while he was working bothered him slightly, for the risk of getting caught was higher but the faster he finished this, the faster he saved Alan's life and that was worth any risk.

Eric got to the house curious if Alan was here, it didn't dawn on him until he got closer that he hoped he hadn't actually packed up his things. Not that he had another place to go; they finally sold his house the other week.
"Alan? Are you home?" Slowly opening the front door he noticed the house looked dark and he couldn't hear anything to suggest Alan was here. His heart sank as he walked further in and saw no signs that Alan ever got here. Damn it, he would have to call Ronald and see if he went to his place. He was mad at both of them but if he didn't want to spend the night here he would probably go there. As far as he knew they were the only two Alan was close enough too. He spoke to Grell on occasion but not enough for him to want to spend the night. Heading into the living room he stopped seeing Alan clutching the fireplace with one hand and his chest with the other. His back was to the doorway so he didn't see Eric there. He was trying so hard to stay on his feet, to not let the pain knock him down.
"Alan!" Getting to him he gripped his shoulders hoping to get him to realize he was here. He was trying to breathe, trying to get the pain to pass.
"Eric?" Was that really him? He didn't know what was real right now and what was caused by the pain. His vision was always blurry and he heard so many voices in his head he could never place the real ones.
"I'm here, I've got you, you'll be okay." Feeling Alan let go of the fireplace and his feet trying to sink to the ground he held his shoulders tighter.
"Eric. I'm sorry…for what I said."
"Its okay, I know. Forget about it." Helping him to the couch he kept him close to his arms until he was absolutely certain that attack had passed. He was terrified to know where they were now on his body. Perhaps that was why Alan always wore long sleeves, so he wouldn't have to see them. So he wouldn't have to see how close they were to his heart, how close he was to death. He had to get those souls faster, this had to end. Feeling Alan pull away he moved his hands so he could sit up.
"Are you okay?"
"I am, thank you."
"I'm glad you were here. I hoped to talk to you, apologize for how I've acted. Get you to understand that I really do love you."
"I know you do. I'm sorry I said you didn't. I wasn't going to stay. I was going to spend the night elsewhere, in the human world. I always wanted to."
"I'm glad you didn't."
"Thank the thorns." Trying to smile he moved closer to him. He felt bad for earlier, for all he believed to be true even for a second. That was probably what brought on the attack, all of his pent up anger and emotions.
"Hungry? I can make us dinner if you'd like."
"I want to stay like this a while longer."
Fixing his hands to go back around he pulled Alan closer to his own body. He was almost to a hundred now, after today he had seventy five. It wasn't nearly enough he knew that but he was glad he stopped to come home. To be here for Alan when he truly needed it. Even though he got here late he was still here for the worst of it.
"You seem stronger than last time, you didn't lose consciousness."
"I'm getting better at handling them. I refuse to let them knock me out, take over all I know. And to be fair I only lost consciousness that once but I blame the weather for that one."
"Keep fighting okay."
"Always. I want my life too."
Keeping Alan in his arms he felt his body slowly start to relax completely. It seemed the thorns were letting him go for now. Looking at his face he saw him start to doze off. Side effect of the attack he knew that much. He couldn't help take the pain away from him or deal with it in place of him. But he could help him relax after. He should have the thorns not Alan, he always believed that. He was reckless and for years never cared about souls or the dead, even now he didn't really. Now all he cared about was death, how cold and final it was. He hated death, his whole being hated it. He hated it more now that Alan faced it, if only they could trade places, death could grip him and release Alan. He would be okay with it so long as Alan got to live on, he deserved it.

Seeing Alan had fallen asleep and was comfortable he moved off the couch and allowed his body to stretch across it. Placing his head on a couch pillow he pulled a blanket from the closet to tuck him in and keep him warm. Making sure he was okay he left him alone to head to the kitchen. He was hungry, Alan would probably be too once he woke up and he wanted to do something to show how much he cared. He never wanted Alan to think those things ever again, not even for a single moment. Standing in front of the stove he watched the pan simmer, becoming absorbed in the dish he was preparing, aiming for perfection. Focusing on the mixture of flavors taking place in front of him he didn't hear Alan come into the kitchen until he felt his hand touch his back so he could look around at what he was doing.
"Did the smell wake you?"
"I think so, well it woke up my stomach for sure."
"How do you feel?" Glancing over his shoulder quickly he took in Alan's face, making sure he was okay."
"Pretty well, just tired."
"Well after you eat you should go to bed." Feeling him nod against his back they went back to the silence. So much was still being spoken as their minds went to their thoughts until.
"You made my favorite."
"I did."
"This was the first meal you ever made for me."
"It is."
"I love you."
"I love you too."

After they had eaten Alan took hold of Eric's hand to lead them to the bedroom. He didn't want to be alone, as selfish as it was he wanted Eric to lie with him, to hold him close, to rest his head on his chest. He always craved closeness after an attack. Feeling the warmth of the one around him he shut his eyes and allowed the other senses to absorb all that was Eric, the one he cared so much for. How could he ever doubt even for a second that that wasn't real? They both laid there for hours, taking the other in before calling it a night. Moments just like this one were the reason Eric didn't have more souls collected but he wouldn't trade these moments for anything else. He could never leave Alan alone when he wanted him here, even if it was to save his life. Maybe if he told him what he was doing he could but he knew he would never approve. He didn't want Alan to refuse the souls if he knew they were coming. No, he would stay silent for now, he would stay right here. Right where he belonged.

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This chapter is full of sappy goodness I think. And I'm finally getting somewhere. To be honest I never saw this story being this long. Thanks for all the reviews and love. I hope it continues, it makes me warm and fuzzy.
~Femalefighter~