19 Frostfall 202 4E 9:00 AM
I awoke feeling like a giant had decided to crack my head open like a walnut with his huge bone club and I could barely move. I rolled over and saw that I had slept alone again. I frowned in confusion. I admitted that my memory was a bit fuzzy, but I distinctly recalled falling into bed with Cicero; holding him close. So, where was the jester?
I pulled my sleeping furs aside and saw I was still wearing my Dark Brotherhood leathers. That would partly explain why I felt so stiff. Sleeping in armor, even light armor, can be tough on the body. I managed to undo what felt like one thousand buckles and shrugged out of the armor. My body sighed in relief from being released from the constricting material. I did some light stretches to work the kinks out, but my body protested at the movement. I rolled my neck and winced at the crick I felt. It was going to be a moving through molasses sort of day.
After putting on a green dress and vaguely running a brush through my long, black hair, I stumbled into the eating area. Meena was sitting at the same place she was at last night at the table with her head on the table's surface. The Khajiit was still wearing her armor too. "Did you go to bed?" I asked. Gods, even my own voice sounded too damn loud.
"No," the catkin said, her tail lashing angrily. Meena looked up, her pupils thin arrow slits. "This one decided it was easier to stay here than to move."
"Good morning, ladies!" Nazir bellowed much too cheerfully. I clasped my hands to my head as I sat down. "Ha, ha, here drink some of this to take the hair off the dog." The Redguard placed mugs full of foul looking dark green frothy stuff before Meena and me.
"Have either of you seen Cicero this morning?" I asked as I quickly gulped the mixture down. Nazir was no alchemist, but he did have a gift with hangover remedies. Immediately, I could feel the effects. My head still hurt, but at least my eyeballs weren't beating in tune with my heartbeat.
"Last I saw either of you was when you decided you wanted Cicero to be your pony and you rode him to your room," Nazir said as he placed plates full of scrambled eggs and toast down. I snickered at the memory. "Were you really that drunk?"
"I remember everything I did if that's what you're actually asking," I replied as I poked at the eggs. The thought of eating them made me gag, so I nibbled on the toast instead. Meena was just batting her plate back and forth between her paws.
"Good morning!" Aventus bound into the eating area looking entirely too chipper and loud. The small boy was wearing an oversized shirt that belonged to Cicero. I would need to take him to get some proper clothes and see about a Dark Brotherhood outfit of some sort. Probably just some red and black shirt and pants combo with the handprint for now. Armor would wait until he was older and not growing.
Nazir gave Aventus his own breakfast which included, in addition to the eggs and toast, some sausage patties and bacon. My stomach rolled at the thought of the grease. Nazir definitely knew what to serve to whom after a night of hard partying. Aventus scarfed down his portion and looked at my barely touched plate. "Are you gonna eat that?" he asked bluntly.
I pushed it over to him, "Please help yourself." Aventus ate with the enthusiasm only children can truly muster for food.
"Where's Babette?" he asked around a mouthful of eggs.
"Swallow your food before talking," I said. "Babette is probably sleeping. She tends to sleep during the day."
"Why? Can I do that if I want?" Aventus asked his eyes wide at the thought.
"Eventually," I said ignoring the first question. "Right now I want you to start training. You're gonna learn how to fight and defend and number of other things. Once you've got the basics, I'll send you on missions with someone else as back up and then you can start making your own schedule. In time, you can decide what contracts you want and how to execute them with your own unique style."
"This is so much better than Honorhall!" Aventus was bouncing in his chair.
"Good morning, good morning!" Cicero chirped as he joined us. I winced at the Keeper's high pitched voice. Normally, I enjoyed Cicero's voice, but today it felt like a dagger was twisting against my brain. Nazir plopped a bowl of oatmeal in front of me as Cicero seated himself to my left. Cicero pounded on the table demanding food from Nazir. "Nazir, feed Cicero!"
I jammed a spoonful of oatmeal in Cicero's mouth to quiet him for a moment. He grimaced at the bland taste. "Were you up all night again?"
"Yes, yes, loyal Cicero didn't sleep. Cicero cleaned after lazy Hecate and Meena fell asleep." Cicero grabbed the sugar container and dumped almost half of it into my oatmeal bowl. He swirled it around with a spoon and took a huge bite. "Much better!"
Oatmeal was the only food Nazir served that was bland and he only made it after a night of celebrating. He knew we would need something to help settle our stomachs. It made me wonder what Nazir's life had been like before joining the Brotherhood. He knew how to prepare food well and was always meticulous about a good presentation. Festus Krex had given him a signed copy of Uncommon Tastes after murdering the Gourmet, which Nazir had treasured. Unfortunately, he had lost the book during the fire. Of all of us, Nazir had lost the most since all of his things had been in common areas. Cicero, Babette and I had been lucky in that our rooms were much further back and took almost no damage.
"What was your life like before?" was a question we didn't ask in the Brotherhood. Sometimes one of us would make an offhand comment and it was okay to express interest, but in general the past was the past. Deciding I would be open about being the Dragonborn had been a big decision for me because it meant reopening that chapter of my life. But I had not liked the person I was becoming by denying that half of myself. I still did not have control of the thu'um and with my temper I always risked an accidental Shout. I had resorted to becoming meek and timid which had allowed Astrid to be more demanding of me without me arguing back. Part of me was the Listener, but part of me was the Dragon too and I was going to need to be able to use both parts to lead this family.
Appropriately enough, Cicero had helped me to see that. He had pushed me constantly to not worry so much what others thought and as the Keeper put it, "Just let go, fall into the Void." Teaching me how to dance and his constant teasing had forced me to open up and to push back. Most important of all, Cicero had taught me how to laugh again.
I had been in despair when I met the Fool on the road near the beginning of the year. I had completed my quest to defeat Alduin with the aid of the Heroes of Old, Gormlaith Golden-Hilt; Hakon One-Eye; and Felldir the Old. I had been to the afterlife of the Nords, Sovngarde, and found it lacking. I had expressed that opinion to Tsun, god of trials against adversity and guardian of the whale bone bridge that lead into Sovngarde, after he had promised that I would have a place in the Nordic afterlife after I died.
"To the Void with that!" I had yelled.
"I have promised that you will return," the huge man had growled, "and I do not forsake my vows regardless of how much I may regret making them. Maybe I will have you return as one of the fools you Imperials seem to favor in your courts so much. Give you a chance to teach us Nords so humor." The sarcasm was not lost on me.
"Better a fool who tells the truth than the fool who believes the lie," I had retorted. That's when Tsun had thrown me out of heaven.
I was very depressed on my trip back home. To have the knowledge, not the belief but the fact, that one day after I died I was going to have to be stuck in Nord heaven was weighing me down. People at least three hand lengths taller than me all drinking foul mead and eating huge legs of meat while bragging about what amazing warriors they were while waiting around for some final battle was not my idea of a good time. And what did I have to look forward to in the meantime? People at least three hand lengths taller than me all drinking foul mead and eating huge legs of meat while bragging about what amazing warriors they were while waiting around for when they died in glorious battle to go to Sovngarde.
When I met Cicero who was desperately trying to kill a broken wagon wheel, it had been like the sun coming out. I was able to help someone else instead of wallowing on my own problems. When we met again in the Pine Forest Sanctuary, it had seemed inconvenient to me at the time, but now it felt serendipitous.
"Hecate?" I was pulled out of my train of thought with Cicero poking my face with my spoon. He had smeared oatmeal all around my mouth. "Listener looked so far away."
"Augh, Cicero! Why would you do that?" I picked up a napkin to wipe my face, but the jester stopped me by placing his hand on mine. Cicero leaned over and licked my face.
"Mmmm, sweet," Cicero declared smacking his lips in satisfaction. He continued to "clean" my face with his tongue, giving special attention around my mouth.
"Are you guys married?" Aventus asked.
"No," I answered a little too quickly. Just Listener and Keeper, whatever that meant in the eyes of the Night Mother.
"So, you're not my new mom and dad?" Aventus asked disappointed.
"Oh, gods, no!"
"I thought you were adopting me," the boy said with a small voice.
"We are, sort of," I said. "You've been adopted into the Brotherhood. I'm your sister, Cicero is your brother, and the Night Mother is your mother."
"It is nice to see the rest of us get mentioned," Meena muttered. She still had her head firmly on the table. I don't think she had lifted it completely up since I came in.
"Cicero, why don't you introduce Aventus properly to Mother?" I suggested, ignoring Meena's comment.
"Yes! Mother should meet her newest son," Cicero said gleefully as he stood up. "She's quite nice you know, even if she is dead." The Keeper grabbed the youngest son's hand and led him up the stairs to meet his new Mother for the first time.
19 Frostfall 202 4E 5:00 PM
"Babette, why don't you want Aventus to know that you're a vampire?" The vampire child and I were in my room. Aventus was training with the others. Babette had just risen and I felt this was the best time to grab her before Aventus and she started playing again. I wasn't sure how much of Babette's personality was child and how much was adult. She had bragged several times that looking like a child was helpful to trick her contracts, but there were other times when she had reacted exactly like a child would.
"Listener, I have been with the Brotherhood for over two centuries now," the Breton answered, "and in all that time I have never seen anyone else my apparent age. Most of our family joins in their mid-twenties. I have seen a few extremes like an older teen or an elder, but most people who would be drawn to this lifestyle are passionate and willing to do the unspeakable. That combination of traits is mostly like to be found in young adults.
"I find that I am tired of being alone. I want to be just a girl for a while. Aventus is a good opportunity for me that I may never have again." Babette looked up to me. "That is not too unreasonable is it?"
"Do you plan on turning Aventus? Make him like you?" I asked. Babette nodded hesitantly. She must have feared that I would command that she stop if she asked. I stifled a sigh. I should have seen this coming and dealt with it before bringing Aventus to Sanctuary. "Whatever happened to your sire?" I asked. Most vampires were little more than animals who lived in dens together, little better than wolves. Babette being able to function almost like a normal person was highly unusual.
"We parted ways amicably," Babette reassured me. "I learned a great deal from her. Neither of us found the animalistic lifestyle of other vampires acceptable."
"I don't think I could stop you, if you really put your mind to it," I admitted. Assassins are trained to get past people who are on the lookout for them and want to stop them from completing their mission. Babette smiled pleased. "However, I do have some rules. First, you have to tell Aventus that you're a vampire before you can try to turn him. No vague promises of being a kid forever. Second, I want you to explain all the pros and cons. He needs to be fully informed. Third, you cannot turn him once he's fifteen. If Aventus is going to be an adult, he'll get to grow old like the rest of them."
"You are not afraid he will be too young to choose wisely?" Babette asked.
"I've already had him kill a helpless man and three assassins are training him how to do it again. I think deciding to be immortal can't be too much more complicated."
Babette laughed and threw her arms around me in a tight hug. "Thank you, Listener!" she said, her face muffled against my skirts.
"Don't thank me yet, he might refuse," I said. What was crueler? Never having what you wanted or being within grasp and losing it?
"I find it interesting that you said 'he'll get to grow old like the rest of them,' Listener. Instead of 'like the rest of us,'" Babette observed. She smiled coyly. "Are you keeping secrets?"
"Don't we all, dear sister?" I asked in return.
10 Morning Star 202 3:15 PM
"What do you mean I have the soul of a dragon?" I yelled. The wind that was whipping my hair into my face stole my words away, but Paarthurnax, the mentor of the Greybeards and an ancient dragon, still heard them. I could barely make out the huge form perched on a stone ledge because of the heavy snowfall.
"Dovahkiin is one who is born with the soul and spirit of a dragon, dovah, but has the body of, joor, a mortal. We dragons are immortal unless killed. Even then we can be brought back, as you have seen," Paarthurnax explained.
"Are you saying I'm immortal?" I asked stunned. I wished Paarthurnax would come down from his perch. It was dizzying to have to look up so high to talk to someone. Especially when discussing philosophy.
"Your laas, lifespan, will be greatly extended," Paarthurnax admitted, "but you still have the body of a mortal. Each dragon soul you devour, di dovah du, will continue to extend your life."
"I've already killed over a dozen dragons!" I screamed. Fire laced my thu'um. "Didn't you think I should have been told that the first time we met?"
"Aam, why would anyone want to live such a short life as you mortals must suffer?" the dragon sounded sincerely confused.
"It should have been my choice," I replied. "You were supposed to teach me the Way of the Voice and you knew I did that by absorbing the experiences of your brethren. Didn't it ever occur to you that I should know the consequences and not just the rewards?"
"I apologize, briinah, sister, but to me it is only reward," Paarthurnax said. "The lives of muz ahrk fahliil, men and mer, are like a blink of an eye to me." He rustled his battle torn wings and sighed, a huge gust of wind that pushed me backwards several feet. "I supposed I should have considered that you would have believed differently. Krosis, forgive me, my ability to interact well with others has deteriorated over the hundreds of years since I could speak with another freely. I was too excited in being able to speak again. There is so much to tell you and so little time."
"It's okay, Paarthurnax," I grumbled. Part of me knew I was overreacting and that the dragon was right. What was wrong with living a longer life? I had always looked younger than my actual age. At the age of thirty-one, I barely looked any older than I had when I was twenty-three. Wouldn't it be beneficial to be physically sixty and look only thirty? Maybe it was even better than that and I would look thirty-five when I was a hundred or even two hundred.
What actually bothered me was that I had not known. I had been denied the knowledge to choose willingly and I hated that. I hated loss of control; something I had felt time and time again since coming to this wintery land.
"I have told you that dragons live to destroy and dominate?" Paarthurnax asked. He was being careful to not leave me out of anything else. "You have that within you as well."
I had always had a rage within me, lurking and waiting to spring out at any moment. There would be moments when I would want to hurt those around me either by action or word. I had spent a great deal of my life either trying to control it or run away from it. To find out that it was part of my basic nature infuriated me. "I guess that means all the good deeds I try to do mean nothing," I said bitterly.
"What is better: to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?" Paarthurnax responded.
19 Frostfall 202 4E 7:00 PM
"How did Aventus do?" I asked Nazir.
We were seated at a small table that Nazir used to keep track of contracts and rumors he had acquired. Although we had the Night Mother back, Nazir still used his contacts to find rumors of people performing the Black Sacrament. Maybe it was to keep good relations, maybe it was out of habit, or maybe it was out of fear the Night Mother would stop providing contracts either by her own choice or my death. I didn't know, but I didn't discourage the practice. Beside the side contracts, it kept us connected to the rest of Skyrim and we needed that information to function.
"Nothing spectacular, I'm afraid to report," Nazir said. "The boy is clever enough, but he's too young to have had any training. We're working with a blank slate, which could be great for us in the long run, but for now it's going to be very frustrating for Aventus."
"Neither Cicero nor Meena got overexcited?" I asked. I was worried that they might forget how young their student was and cut him. I feared Aventus could get scared and leave the Sanctuary and the consequences that could bring.
"They behaved. Well, as much as either of them knows how." Nazir's specialty was defense. He could teach someone how to move quickly and well in armor, but that training for Aventus would not be for a couple of years at the earliest. In the meantime, the Redguard would supervise Cicero's training with daggers and Meena's training with stealth. Neither had taught before, thus Nazir and I agreed that having an experienced observer would only be helpful for both teacher and student.
"How did Aretino react to the Night Mother?" I asked.
"Pretty well actually, which I am sure you already surmised from the lack of screaming from Cicero," Nazir laughed. "The boy said she reminded him of his own mother who he used for his Black Sacrament. Apparently he thanked the Night Mother personally for sending a member of the Dark Brotherhood to help him. Cicero beamed like a proud father."
"At least there's that," I sighed in relief. Part of me wished I could recommend that Cicero start training the boy to be an assistant Keeper since he seemed comfortable with the dead. All assassins must be comfortable with corpses, but there is a huge difference between the freshly killed and the interred. I just feared that Cicero would react poorly to the idea of possibly being replaced. As far as I could tell from my studies with Festus Krex, the roles of the Black Hand were for life and a replacement found only after the position opened up.
"Nazir, I also wanted to speak to you about a promotion of sorts," I said. "I am assigning you as Speaker."
"Listener, I'm flattered," Nazir smiled widely. A flush of pride spread across his dark cheeks. "Thank you!"
"Thank you, Nazir. You've helped keep us together. You're my most stable family member and have done a lot to get this Sanctuary livable. Once we have more members, I would like for you to name Babette as your Silencer. I feel she deserves it as the only other living member of the Falkreath Sanctuary, but the choice is yours." I stood up and Nazir followed suit. I offered my hand and he took it. "Congratulations."
19 Frostfall 202 4E 9:00 PM
Nazir and I had spent the last couple of hours going over potential recruits, planning Aventus' training schedule, and all the other little details of running an organization. Food, repairs, whether we wanted better relations with the Thieves' Guild, the list went on and on. Normally I would have worked longer, but I was still stiff and sore from sleeping poorly the night before and wanted to call an early night.
I stopped by Cicero's room and looked in. The Fool of Hearts was sitting in the middle of his bed and doodling on a sketch pad while humming. The tone was a bit high pitched. "No, no, no, that's not right," Cicero scolded. He tried again with a lower tone, "Ah, yes, yes, much better."
"Working on a new song?" I asked entering. Cicero nodded. I looked over Cicero's shoulder at his drawing pad. "Is that Solitude?"
"Mmm," Cicero mumbled around nibbling on his quill as he concentrated on his sketch. I saw at the bottom of the page were musical notes for the tune Cicero was muttering as he worked. Except for tending the Night Mother, I rarely saw Cicero work on one project at a time.
"You never finished Solitude for my mural," I teased and partly hopeful this was a good sign that Cicero would offer to adorn my current chambers like my old ones in Falkreath. I had loved the vibrantly colored skyline of Skyrim within my cavern room.
"It would be impractical to do so now," Cicero responded coyly, "since Pine Forest is so far away. But if the Listener were to command, then loyal Cicero would gather his paints and leave immediately."
"Fool," I said affectionately as I curled up behind him. I wrapped my arms and legs around Cicero and pulled him into a hug. Cicero leaned back into it and rested his head on my shoulder, smiling as always.
"How can Cicero serve the Listener?" he asked.
"I just want to spend some time with you," I said. "It feels like I haven't done much of that lately." The only time we had spent alone since coming to Dawnstar had been about a week ago when I had been brushing Cicero's hair and that had been cut short by the Night Mother's summons.
"The Listener has been busy," Cicero agreed. "So has Cicero." Upon his return to the Brotherhood, Cicero had spent most of his time fussing about the smoke damage the Night Mother's coffin had taken from the fire as well as the dents and mud from the fall from the sanctum into the waterfall below.
"Cicero, I…" I trailed off. How could I ask him to share my bed and not sound like I was asking for more than I wanted? I missed his warmth beside me. I missed talking about nothing as we fell asleep. I missed his arms wrapping around me as I fell asleep.
"Listener looks tense," Cicero said picking up on my hesitation. "Turn around." I followed his instructions as Cicero pulled off his gloves.
"I slept in my armor last night," I admitted. Soft fingers prodded my neck easing the ache away. I sighed in relief.
"Poor Listener," Cicero crooned. "Cicero has neglected Hecate. Tsk, tsk. The Listener needs Keeping too." I could feel the back of my dress parting as Cicero loosened it.
"What are you…?" I started to protest.
"Shush, Cicero is taking care of the Listener as he should." Persistent hands pushed me forward until I was lying on my stomach. Expert fingers ran down my back finding knots and kinks and assassinating them.
I found myself falling asleep. Normally I stayed up much later, but it had been a long day and what Cicero was doing was very relaxing. The last thing I remembered was Cicero asking, "Hecate?" and when I didn't respond he crawled into his bed and wrapped his arms around me.