Heey guys, hopefully you like this chapter...sorry i've taken so long to update but i'm quite slow at writing :s
But i have to thank my amazing beta caitlin, holy cow - this story would be shit without her (lyke srsly)
Also my good friend veronica, for giving me a good idea for this chapter :)
DISCLAIMER: i do not own the mortal instruments
Chapter 6: Avoid
CPoV
All week since Jonathon came to visit me with my father's message, I have been having my nightmares every night. I didn't tell my mother because I knew she would just freak out but I could tell she knew something was up. Every night I would wake up whimpering.
I have been avoiding Jace, all week, too. I've kept my head down at school, only speaking to Simon, Izzy and Sebastian and I never let my gaze connect with Jace's. He knows everything and that's not how it was supposed to be. He probably thinks I'm a freak and a weirdo like everyone else. That hurts and I've been hurt enough, so I walk in the opposite direction when I see him coming down the hall, turn my head when he calls out to me on the bus. I have kept my blinds closed 24/7 and I've stopped going to the park to draw. He will forget about me soon and I will do the same for him.
On a plus side, since that day when Jace kissed me and I vowed to not cry again…I haven't cried once. Even when I heard that my father was going to come for me, I didn't lose it. I keep remembering what Jace promised me, a promise that will be impossible to keep. I want to be wrapped up in those arms again, so strong, so secure. I had never felt safer in my life. As I was walking home, trying to avoid Jace on the bus that I occasionally caught, I heard a voice. "Angel!" Oh great.
He ran and caught up to me. "Golden Boy." I said sharply with a nod. "Why have you been avoiding me?" He asked quickly. I was going to say, because you're a dick but instead went with sarcasm. "Me? Avoid you? Never!" Jace raised one eyebrow. "Damn, everyone can do that!" I blurted out angrily. Jace just laughed. "So, why are you following me and not catching the bus?" I asked him. He then took a leaf out of my book and replied with a smirk, "Me? Follow you? Never." I giggled even though I don't know why. When I realised we were just standing looking at each other on the footpath, I grew self-conscious. "Angel?" Jace asked softly. "Yeah?" I answered. "I mean it you know, about not letting you get hurt, about my promise. I mean it, 100 percent." I gulped, but didn't know what to say to that, so Jace said it for me. "Friends?" He asked and held out his hand. I took it and replied, "friends," in a small voice.
The word felt strange on my tongue, almost off. I don't think that is possible for Jace and I to be friends… But we carried home with our newfound friendship and small talk before parting ways outside my house.
I needed some air after finishing my homework so I took off the park. I got to my favourite oak tree, the leaves turning red in the coming fall, before sitting down and pulling out my sketchbook. There was only one face in my mind as I drew and I so I sketched it. I quietly sung a warning to myself as I worked, a Paramore song, which just felt right to sing in the moment.
Down to you
You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that
I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that
I should have never thought
Of you, oh you
You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I want
No I don't know what I want
The Face was starting to form now, a smirk played on their lips.
You got it, you got it
Some kind of magic
Hypnotic, hypnotic
You're leaving me breathless
I hate this, I hate this
You're not the one I believe in
Oh God is my witness
I whipped out a gold pencil and coloured in the hair and eyes, my Golden Boy. Wait, my Golden Boy? No…just Jace.
Oh – Oh – Oh
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that
I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that
I should have never thought
Of you, oh you
You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I want
No I don't know what I want
Why can't I get this boy out of mind? Out of my life? Damn.
I don't know what I want
But I know its not you
Keep pushing and pulling me down
But I know in my heart its not you
Oh – oh – oh – oh – oh
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that
I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that
I should have never thought
Of you, I knew
I know in my heart its not you
But now I know what I want
I want, I want
Oh no, I should have never thought.
It was amazing how much this song fit what I felt, everything I thought about Jace and by the time I had finished the song I had a perfect picture of Jace and his signature smirk. "That song was for me, I'm guessing, as is that picture" I heard a voice say behind me. I yelped and jumped up. "It's alright Angel, it's only me." Fuck, Jace wasn't meant to see this. "Do you think Sebastian would like you singing about how you love me while you draw my face?" That was a good question. "I-" but Jace cut me off. "Speak of the devil." Oh shit, Sebastian was running over to us with a smile on his face. "Hey Clary!" He shouted to me but then faltered a bit when he saw Jace. Guilt clenched my stomach. His smile turned to a frown and he icily asked Jace, "What are you doing here?"
"No need to be rude Sebastian." Jace said in an all too cheery voice. Sebastian turned to me and asked, "What do you have there?" I didn't want to show him my picture of Jace, as I knew he would freak out so I launched myself onto him and tackled him to the ground, kissing him. I heard Jace mutter "lets keep it PG – 13" but Sebastian just held me to the ground with his lips plastered to mine. I loved kissing Sebastian, he made me feel treasured and even though I was just stalling, I liked the way he held me. Despite our short time as a couple, he still meant more to me than most people I had met in my life. I felt special around him and appreciated, which I hadn't really experienced, other than in the presence of my mother and Simon, but they love me in a platonic way. In honesty I had never felt this way before. Our tongues were battling and I managed to push Jace out of my mind. I heard a cough and looked up to see the whole football team standing next to Jace.
I don't think I had ever blushed so much in my life because not only had I been caught with my boyfriend-of-one-week's tongue down my throat, but also Alec was holding up my picture of Jace. "What is that?" Sebastian growled while not looking overly happy. He didn't seem to care that his friends were watching us make out but a picture of Jace drawn by me made him upset. I guess I can understand. "It's…for an art project." That was the lamest excuse ever and I could see the confusion etched upon Seb's face. You would never have thought Jace and I had a friendship truce just hours earlier as he pointed out, "Lying now, are we Angel?" Sebastian just looked furious. "What! Angel?" He was almost shouting. I was lost for words and Sebastian started to walk away saying "We're over." But I yelled out to him and he paused. "Wait Sebastian! Please don't leave me; you're the only thing that is keeping me normal! The only good person I have!" He continued walking after saying, "You have Simon."
Simon was different. He had to know that. "Please Seb, don't go." I whispered knowing he couldn't hear me. "Its not what you think…" I trailed off.
Everyone knew I was a freak, but having the popular jocks witness that, just sent me to the bottom of the pit. I grabbed the picture of Jace and ripped it up into shreds then sat back down leaving all the boys staring silently. "Leave." I said, and everyone did except Jace. "You too, Golden Boy." But I secretly wanted him to stay. He did. He sprawled out next to me and said, "I'm sorry, Angel."
"You are going to fix this." I told him icily, anger rising up in me. He gave me a curious look, "Now Angel, why would I do that?" That was it! That comment sent me over the edge. "Were you not listening to our conversation this afternoon? HOW YOU SAID WE WERE FRIENDS?" I inwardly shuddered at the word. Jace paled. I think he thought the same as I did. "Does he really mean that much to you?" He asked in a small voice. The look on his face was unreadable and I just wanted to hold him in my arms and tell him that he means more, that he will always mean more but Jace doesn't feel the same so I lied.
"Yes…" I said slowly. Something unrecognisable flashed in Jace's eyes but he either quickly put on his emotional mask or I imagined it, most probably I just imagined it. "Fine, only because we are…" His voice tightened and I inwardly cringed, knowing what was to come. "Friends." He finished. All of a sudden I needed to get my feelings off my chest. "Jace-" He cut me off angrily, "I get it Clary. It's getting late. Go home." His used my name instead of my ridiculous nickname, so I knew he was serious.
My face dropped and I turned around to leave. I walked away replaying the events in my head my hand twitching, wanted to draw that flash of unknown emotion I imagined on Jace. A single leaf fell down from a tree and the wind pushed it around me and I spun in wonder, following it with my gaze. As I turned around I saw a boy with blonde hair with his face in his hands. The first thing in my mind was Jace. I quickly blinked but he was gone.
o.8.o
JPoV
"Does he really mean that much to you?" Even to me, my voice seemed pained. I hoped, hoped with all my heart she would say no and jump into my arms… but she loves Sebastian, the prick. "Yes…" She says slowly and even though she sounds a little off I feel like I've just been stabbed. For a second I accidently let my mask slip. Shit, I think she saw. Clary gave me an inquisitive look, but it quickly passed. As much as I love her, wait, what? Love her? No, no, we are just friends and I have to act like one. I tried to put on my "I don't care" façade but it just made me look like I was constipated. "Fine, only because we are…friends." I had to spit out the last word, it didn't want to leave my mouth, and it just doesn't sound right! It doesn't suit us…
I had to leave. I felt sick, wrong. "Jace…" Her beautiful voice started but I cut her off angrily. At the moment I didn't care if I hurt her feelings…I needed to be alone. "I get it Clary. It's getting late. Go home." I glared at her even though my mind was yelling at me to grab her, hold her tight and never let her go. Her face fell and I could feel disappointment rolling off her and all my anger vanished. She swiftly turned around, her red hair shining in the light blending in with the autumn leaves around us. As she started to walk away I almost reached out and grabbed her, my fingers splayed before turning into fists. Clary looked so beautiful and as she reached the entrance to the park she twirled looking captivated. My breath caught and I buried my face in my hands unable to let her see my mask fall away completely, unable to be regained.
I ran away quickly, I needed to feel something else. I needed to see something else other than those bright emerald eyes or that fiery blaze of hair. I ran all the way home, the long way. I was unable to even contemplate crossing her path. No, I will stay away. But first I have to be her, ugh, friend. I take out my mobile and dial the number of the last person I want to talk to. I knew he felt the same way after seeing my caller ID. "Fuck off, Jace." He answered with. I knew he wasn't going to listen to what I had to say, but I had to try. "No Sebastian, you have to listen!" My voice tightened and I told him my already rehearsed lie. "Clary didn't draw that picture…I did! It was an assignment for art and I was getting Clary to check it because you know how good at art she is." I rushed out hurriedly before he could hang up on me.
The lie wasn't a very good one but Sebastian wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, I hoped he bought it. I heard a sigh before he muttered; "I guess I've stuffed up everything between me and Clary now, haven't I?" Great, he took the lie. To be honest, I was disappointed, I didn't want Sebastian and Clary together but I was her, I don't think I'll ever be able to say this properly and without cringing, friend. My voice was small and pained as I told him, "Mate, look, she really likes you…just explain and she will forgive you, I promise." His voice lightened as he thanked me and I hung up.
I was a block away from my house and I was just so angry! Why? Why couldn't I be enough for her? I don't understand! I ran straight up to the closest tree and beat the crap out of it. My knuckles spit, my hands turned bloody and people were staring but I didn't care, I needed to get this out. "Jace!" I heard being shouted at me. "Jace! What the fuck are you doing?" It was Alec.
His stormy blue eyes showed anger and worry, contrasting with his ink black hair that he shared with his sister. "Oh my god, your hands!" He exclaimed. "No shit, Sherlock" I huffed out. "No need for your attitude, Sergeant Sarcastic." He retorted. His voice lost its anger and he asked, "Why? Why would you do this, Jace?" I let out a breath and said "The tree called me fat." How I kept a straight face, I will never know. Alec sighed knowing he wasn't going to get an answer out of me and ran a hand through his hair.
"C'mon Jace, lets get you cleaned up." He led the way home and it started to rain. How fitting. That's when I decided; Clary can't do this to me. I had never intentionally wanted to hurt a girl before but the need to get back at Clary was too great. But how do get back at her? I ditched Alec and ran up to my room to think up a plan. I had to let her know I was fine without her, better even. I needed to replace her and I knew of a certain blonde bimbo who would help me out, with pleasure.
oh yeah, i'll hopefully update soon!
(im trying my best!)
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and i'll answer any questions you have too x