Chapter 5: The Long Overdue Talk
A/N: I do not own Covert Affairs or anything affiliated with it.
This was an extremely emotional chapter for me. I hope it translates well onto paper.
Keep those reviews coming, I enjoy them all! A special shout out to 'Covert Affairs Intelligence', I really appreciate your enthusiasm for my story! Thank you and enjoy!
Auggie had no idea why she had wanted to randomly come over tonight. They hadn't been alone together or really even talked since the day he had broke up with Tash, until today at work. He was very curious what was going through her mind. Whatever it was, he knew he had to let her come to him with it, in her own way. Trying to force Annie Walker to do anything was like trying to push an elephant with your bare hands. He checked the time on his watch, 6:55, she would be here any minute. Grabbing a beer from the fridge, he decided to sit on the couch and wait for her.
Annie stood outside of Auggie's door. The last time she had been here she had told Auggie about Helen's death almost a year ago. She hadn't realized until now that that had been the last time she was here. When she had come back their friendship became so broken she had never spent any time here. Her heart ached at the reminder of all the pain she had caused. Gathering her courage, she knocked on the door.
"Come in, Walker." she heard from beyond the door.
After sliding open the door she said, "How'd you know it was me?"
"C'mon Walker, you doubt my abilities now?" He flashed her that damned smile again from the couch. "I hope you don't mind, but I started without you." He held up the open beer for her to see.
"Aw shucks, how will I ever catch up?" she said as she reached into the fridge for a beer of her own. Ok, I can do this. It will be ok, she thought. Feeling awkward and not knowing where to sit, Annie came over and sat on the coffee table across from Auggie.
Auggie looked over at her, or so he assumed. "Annie, why are you sitting on the coffee table?"
"I...um... I wasn't sure if... I felt...oh hell" she stammered.
He sighed and reached for her legs with his hands. He overshot and ended up wrapping his hands around her waist. "Oh, sorry," he said and pulled his hands away, quickly.
"See? That's why. It's too awkward isn't it?" She stood so suddenly the coffee table nearly fell over. "I should just go."
Reaching up for her, Auggie grasped her hands tightly in his own. "No, God no, Annie. Stay, please. We need to get past this if we're ever going to go anywhere. We've barely spoken since declaring that we would both try to put work in and now that we're actually starting to make progress you want to leave?"
She stared into his eyes, so confident and confused. Confused because of her, she knew. "I'm in therapy." she suddenly blurted out.
Auggie stood up and suddenly they were so close she could just lean in and she would be kissing him if she chose to do so. She didn't. "Annie, that's... that's good. For you, I mean. I think that's wonderful. Having someone to talk to might do you some good."
She laughed quickly, sharply, and the prickly sound took him offguard. "You? August Anderson? You are selling me on therapy? I seem to remember you fighting tooth and nail to not go to therapy a couple years ago after your bar fight."
"Yeah, I did, but I've grown up since then. Sometimes having an outside, objective opinion can really help. I've been seeing a therapist since I realized you weren't coming back after you... well, after."
His eyes had darkened slightly, become more guarded. "Oh, Auggie... I didn't know."
"It's alright, Walker. How could you? I never told you. Yeah I started because of you, technically, but it's gone past that now."
"Well, not to dredge up old demons, I hope, but my therapist says we need to talk. Not that I didn't already know that, of course I did. I've just been putting it off. But she says that if I ever expect us to remotely get back to where we were then I have to be as honest with you as I can be. She says I need to tell you about Hong Kong and... after."
Auggie was barely breathing. He had given up hope of her ever telling him where she was and what she was doing after she shot Henry. He pulled her to him and held her for what seemed like forever but was really only a few moments before he moved her over to sit next to him on the couch. "Annie, you tell me whatever you're comfortable with. Whatever you're ready for." Her hands never left his.
Annie drew in a deep breath and began. "Well, as you know I tracked Henry down into an alley and shot him, in cold blood. Then you worked so hard to get me that extraction, which I never thanked you for, so thank you, but I never got on the second boat. I just... couldn't, Auggie. I've killed before, in self defense, but never just out of pure hatred and malice. Yes, he needed to be stopped but I could have just brought him back to Langley. We had enough evidence on him for me to do that and probably be able to come in from the cold, too. But that's not what I did. I shot him. I never flinched. I held up that gun, looked him dead in the eye, and shot him."
This much Auggie had guessed at. He knew she hadn't gotten onto that second boat by choice and he pretty much knew that Henry had not died while Annie defended herself. He was so afraid to do or say anything that might make her stop talking so he just sat there, holding her hands, listening.
"I went to the pier you know. The one where the second boat was. I saw it, ready for me. I almost walked on but something in me just told me no. I wasn't ready to go back. Not yet. I'd lost something after becoming Jessica Matthews. A piece of my soul or whatever you want to call it, was just missing. I knew I couldn't come home to Langley, to you, without figuring that out. So I ran. I ran as fast as I could away from that boat. And I kept running until I was on some beach. I wasn't lying about that part. I really did go to a beach. I spent my days sparing with myself. Running, away from it all I think. I pushed myself harder than I had ever pushed before. Then, one day a searing pain made me collapse on that beach and I thought 'Oh, ok, so this is it? I'm gonna die for my sins right here on this beach without anyone knowing where I am or if I'm even alive.' I saw your face before it all went black." She searched his face at that, but he gave nothing away. She began again, "I awoke several hours later with Eyal's face above mine. Apparently, he had found out I was on that beach and he had been following me, thinking I was running a mission for Langley. He saw me collapse and took me to his safehouse. I could have died, Auggie, if he hadn't been there. He did his own medical checkup but he knew whatever was wrong with me went beyond his expertise, so he called a doctor friend of his that he could trust after I told him that Langley had no clue where I was. That's when I found out about the Myocarditis. This devastated me, Auggie. I knew I could never go back to Langley, to you, with this condition. The doctor did prescribe me drugs to manage it while Eyal tried to console me. He tried to convince me that maybe this was my way out. But field work was all I knew. All I wanted. I did want to return to Langley, and you, when I was ready, but I knew that I never could with this condition. I knew that if they knew I would be benched. I couldn't take the thought of that. I delved deeper into my despair. I cried every night in Eyal's arms. I eventually accepted that I could never go back. Then, that's when... when it happened."
Most everything up to this point Auggie knew, or atleast somewhat knew. He knew more details now, but the facts were the same. "When what happened, Annie?" he prompted, after she hadn't spoken in a few minutes.
"I slept with Eyal, Auggie." She didn't wait for a response or look at his face. She continued talking, more rapidly now. "He had been there for me when I needed him. He was the only one who understood what I had done, gone through, lost. When I awoke next to him the next morning, I immediately regretted what I had done. If I could have came back to you before I certainly couldn't now. I packed up and left, right then, before he woke up. I came home. I didn't know what else to do. I wasn't ready to, but I didn't think I had a choice. But, I could barely face you. That's why when we met I told you we could only be professional with eachother even though my heart was screaming at me to say the exact opposite. I could barely live with myself, I couldn't ask you to live with my sins with me." Tears were streaming down her face so fast her lap was quickly becoming soaked.
Auggie's head was spinning. On one hand, he was furious that Eyal had taken advantage of her like that and at Annie for technically cheating on him. But he had slept with Helen so he knew his anger at her was unjust. On the other hand, he knew why she had done it and why Eyal hadn't stopped it. Eyal was in love with her. Shit, who wasn't? She was so easy to love, his strong, confident, stubborn Annie Walker. He felt a teardrop fall onto his hand which was holding hers. Oh, sweet jesus, she had been through so much and finally trusted him enough to tell him and was now crying because of it. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him. He rocked her back and forth like a mother would whilst soothing a child.
"I'm getting your shirt all wet." she said between sobs.
"It'll dry." he said, simply.
"I love you, Auggie."
"I know. I love you, too."
Auggie simply held her and rocked her until she finally quieted and, eventually, fell asleep in his arms. Only then, did he allow himself to cry for her.