Seras did not know what to do. Her Master was looking at her, frowning – nothing unusual about that. But… he was standing in the middle of the room, staring at her, three quarters of his hair mangled into what she assumed- that had to be an attempt at either a side pony tail, or a pig tail… or a bun? His hands were still in his hair, though they were frozen now. Seras blinked, discovering that there was something in his frown, in his mouth – he had one of her hair clips… in… his… mouth. …And that pink scrunchie was hers. Definitely hers.
The only thoughts that could squeeze through the image her mind was imprinting onto her brain were: But he hates pink. He loathes pink. He despises pink. He spits on pink and curses any other variant of red.
Alucard brought her out of her stunned silence by plucking the hair pin from his stiff frown. "I need to look innocent." The statement thudded onto the carpet like a 50 lb dumbbell.
They shared a long, wordless stare.
…
Seras had lost all feeling in her brain. Her voice came from somewhere, but she could hardly claim any degree of ownership over it. "…It's a lost cause."
"Hm."
Her Master obviously didn't get it. She tried again, earnestly, "It really is, Master. Trust me. Look deep inside you, and you'll see… it's hopeless."
"Mhm."
The fledgling sighed, still stunned, not quite able to feel anything, only able to deal with the surface level discussion. "You're wasting your time."
With all seriousness, he assessed her for a moment. Eyes following the details of her face, down to her shoes. Then her posture. He frowned sharply, unused to puzzles he couldn't solve on his own. "How do you do it?"
The girl, understandably, bumbled with the English language before stammering something that didn't even resemble English. Her best effort came out as: "I- What? I- I'm what? And- What?"
He put it very plainly for his simple chicken: "How. Do you do. The innocent act? Is it the blue eyes? Fluffy hair?" He circled her like a shark, disturbing the girl as she stiffened and hugged herself, following him with confused puppy eyes – the kind that pleaded Please- Don't eat me! PLEASE I'm too cute to be food!
"I-I don't like this. Please, stop it."
Red eyes continued to travel over her. "Do I care?"
Seras' brow and lips puckered, and the unfortunate fledgling stared at her shoes in helpless frustration. "It's impossible for you to look innocent. That should be obvious!"
She managed to look up, noticing he had stopped directly in front of her. They exchanged another long, wordless stare. Only she blinked. The red, undead eyes refused to do so, until they'd found the secret to the Police Girl's natural immunity to blame and evil. He hummed, which prepared Seras for yet another nonsensical question. "What if I skip, smile, and frolic?"
"Every last pig on Earth would self-destruct before they gave you the opportunity."
Their third long, wordless stare. Alucard informed her with a dull expression, as though it was common knowledge: "Pigs can already fly."
"Oh…"
"You just have to throw them very, very hard."
Okay…. Someone is losing his marbles. … Or else he's got full blown dementia. … Like an old, old oops-forgot-I-put-him-in-a-nursing-home grandpa. … Good, my cellphone's still in my bag. "….Yes," she murmured, supportively, zipping up the pouch of her backpack. She slipped the strap back onto her shoulder, petting it quietly with a pale finger. "I suppose that would work." –for you.
"Good, you've learned something useful today." He tore out the side pony tail/pig tail/bun. And then he shoved the scrunchie towards her as she looked at him, and then the pink thing, and then at him again. "You." His low voice rumbled over the carpet, chucking dumbbells left and right. "Do it for me."
Oh god no.