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letters from home
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Toph and I were in my room. She was showing me how to use the keys she gave me. We were practice on the dresser drawers and had gotten most of them opened. You have to be patient when picking a lock and wait until you feel the click. Toph said I had picked it up really quickly.
Go me.
Sokka burst in, super excited because Hawky had returned! Sokka didn't even know how Hawky had found us but he was quite pleased to have his hawky back. Hawky was perched on his shoulders and he kept stroking the bird and cooing at it and saying all sorts of nonsense like who's such a clever boy then. It was all a bit sweet.
Anyway Hawky had brought a response from Toph's parents and Sokka handed it to her. It was on shiny, expensive paper and it had the Bei Fong wax seal emblazoned on it. Toph ran her fingers over it and then put the whole message in her pocket. Sokka was looking at her expectantly and said 'don't you want to know what it says?' to which she shrugged and said maybe later. We both offered to read it to her, but she declined and said she'd get one of us to read it to her in her own time.
She didn't want to talk about it and was quite emphatic about this. The three of us got back to unlocking the drawers.
Sokka also wanted to be shown how to do it.
He was a most enthusiastic student.
We both caught each other's eyes whenever Toph touched the message in her pocket lightly. I wanted to say something, but she was in such a funny mood about it. Miraculously both me and Sokka managed to hold our tongues and not harp on about it or nag her about it.
But I was very sorely tempted.
-?-
After a while I got up to start preparing lunch. There were a few locked cabinets in the library that Sokka and Toph went to tackle. Suki was sprawled on the couch completely engrossed in Love Amongst the Dragons and Aang and Zuko were in the courtyard practising fire kicks. It was a most peaceful little domestic scene... until Hawky flew down in search of Sokka and saw Momo.
Hawky and Momo are archenemies.
A loud and boisterous battle immediately interrupted in the courtyard and there was much ado. Aang was trying to pull Momo out of the fray and got terribly clawed by Hawky for his trouble. Zuko shouted a command sternly at the bird. Whatever he said would make hawky go still for a few seconds. However, invariable Hawky would see Momo out of the corner of his eye and their battle would being anew.
Appa let out a loud roar and both animals relented.
Aang picked up Momo and cuddled him. Zuko picked up Hawky, holding the bird gently, but in such a manner that prevented Hawky from flying away. He took him over to Sokka, who had emerged from the library with Toph, to check out the commotion. Sokka made a great fuss over Hawky.
I healed Aang and then set lunch on the table. Aang and Sokka tried to get Hawky and Momo to be friends. This involved holding on to both animals and putting their faces near each other while both animals struggled to get away and fight anew.
-?-
I have been quiet stern about a new rule I made up just now.
Today there will be no animals at the table. Both Hawky and Momo have been separated and banished to different corners of the room. Hawky is making a plaintive noise squawk in Sokka's direction, but is otherwise obeying.
Sokka cannot believe that Hawky found us again (I am beginning to wish he had not.) Zuko explained that all messenger hawks have a bond with whoever they consider their master (sadly for Hawky- this is Sokka). The birds apparently feel a bit lonely at the communal Hawkeries and communal birds are less reliable than birds with owners. They are loyal and intelligent birds with a unique tracking ability. Hawky will always find his way back to Sokka eventually. Sokka is overjoyed to hear this and has been, well, rather cute with Hawky since. Sokka called Hawky over from his banished corner – breaking my no animals at the table rule and incurring my wrath and several whacks with the common sense stick- He has used what I call his 'Hawky voice' and said variations on 'Who's a loyal Hawky then' while Hawky nuzzled him affectionately.
Sokka thought for a second and piped up that Hawky was a bit like boomerang because he always came back and Zuko gave him a funny look and said that not everything was like boomerang.
Sokka turned to Hawky and asked the bird if it would like to be renamed boomerang. Hawky shook his head and screeched indignantly in response.
Zuko is right.
Messenger hawks are intelligent birds.
-?-
After lunch, Toph came and pulled me aside and asked if I could read her the letter in private. I agreed readily. Her first letter had explained that she was safe and fine and that we were talking good care of her, but that she intended to stay with us and teach Aang earthbending. She made sure that I added a few tales of our adventures which highlighted Toph's competence with earthbending.
She had sounded quite un-Toph-like when she was dictating the letter to me and she used quite formal language. I had commented on this at the time, and she had explained that she and her parents always spoke to each other that way. She wanted to make it as easy as possible for them to understand why she was doing everything. Toph said she'd been a bit reluctant to read the letter this morning. Getting a response had just come as a surprise to her and had thrown her. She was worried that they wouldn't understand. But now she felt ready.
I opened the letter and skimmed it. I think I might have inhaled sharply in surprise. Toph rarely talked about her parents, but if she did say anything about them, she would usually commented that they hadn't understood her. I struggled a bit with this. What is so hard to understand about Toph? Toph is one of the most straight forward and direct people I know. She is normally is pretty upfront about what she is thinking and feeling. I had a hard time imagining how her parents didn't understand her, but just skim reading the letter made it clear.
Wow, her mother didn't understand her at all. This was bad.
Toph wasn't going to like this at all. I half contemplated just reading out something kind and reassuring, because this letter was really going to upset her. Toph could tell I had this inclination straight away and she said firmly You don't need to lie to me Katara. Just tell me what it says. I took a deep breath and started reading and I did my best to keep my voice even. It's a horrible job, reading a letter like this to a person like Toph.
-?-
the letter said:
Dearest Toph
This is mother. I hope one of those wild friends of yours that you seem so unusually fond of will read you this letter accurately because what I have to say is of great import.
Firstly, I must admit that your letter has distressed me somewhat. I was quite unable to formulate a reply for several days. I am sorry if it seems like I have been remiss in my attentions to you, my only daughter. I hope this letter reaches you promptly and that you are in good health and spirits and in a more reasonable mood that the obtuse one you must have been in when you wrote me that first missive.
Secondly, but most importantly: COME HOME IMMEDIATELY!
Toph dearest, what on earth do you think you are doing? You claimed such outlandish things in your letter. Teaching the Avatar earthbending? Racing round the world? Fighting bad guys? Don't be so fanciful dear one. I am surprised that you should think to fight any one in your condition. I am sure you are much more a hindrance than a help to your friends. It sounds like they care for you and would not wish to tell you directly, but it cannot be easy travelling with someone of your condition. It would be better for them and better for you -if you returned to us. Tell me where you are and I will be there as fast as humanly possible. I would like to take you home and care for you my dearest daughter.
I worry for you greatly, not just because of your condition. Please tell me you are not exerting yourself too greatly. You know that you have a weak heart my darling. (I would never, until that very moment, have thought of Toph as having a weak heart) It is simply not able to withstand the trials and tribulations that would come from travelling with the avatar. I know you found life here a little confining, but I knew that this life was best for you. You need to be kept safe!
The avatar does not need your help. He has saved the world in previous incarnations single handedly. To use the avatar requiring you services as an excuse for your deplorable behaviour is unacceptable. I'm sure he could not require the help of someone with all your limitations.
I have done my best to bring you up to be a fine earth kingdom lady. It sounds to me as though you have thrown all the lessons I have bestowed upon you in this regard completely by the wayside. It was my dearest hope that you would find a kind and wealthy gentleman who would be willing to overlook your deficiency, and make you a good match. A good marriage for you will be impossible in you continue gallivanting about the country side like some wild child. Your reputation will be ruined! if your friends have any sense they will see that it is in your best interest to come home immediately.
Thirdly, I miss you so very much. You can have no idea how precious you are to me, my fragile baby girl. I am the only one who knows what is best for you. Please come home to me so that I can keep you safe.
Love always,
Mother.
There was a long pause when I finished reading. Toph had a heartbreaking look of wide-eyed hurt that I have never seen on her face before. I searched for the right thing to say. So many things about Toph became clearer now; her fierce independence, her reluctance to let anyone help her, her determination to never be thought of as incapable or helpless. She was right, her parents really didn't understand her. Her mother obviously loved her, that much was evident. But she didn't know her at all.
I crouched in front of Toph and and I reached out and gave her shoulder a squeeze. She recoiled from my touch angrily and said that she was fine and that she didn't need me to comfort her or mother her. She practically spat the words "Don't mother me" out with a great deal of vitriol.
Then she ran away.
-?-
I have searched high and low but I can not find Toph anywhere. She's been gone for hours now. She was meant to start training Aang in earthbending but she didn't come back for that. I had half hoped she would. They others were quite worried and I ended up telling them what had happened.
We all decided to split up and look for her. Me and Suki were given the house to search.
-?-
There are some boulders that sit of the cliff face to the north. I had a hunch that she might have gone there and after I had searched every room in the house, I started up the hill. I was just sure that Toph would be there. I was right.
But Zuko beat me to it.
I heard his low, raspy voice making occasional agreements while Toph ranted about the ridiculousness of her parents and various other things. She complained at length about their expectations and fine manners and not being helpless and having to waste time in manners lessons and learning the flute and being obedient - just to make her parents happy.
I waited a little further down the hill for them. Toph hadn't seemed to want to speak to me after I read the letter to her. I didn't want to intrude on their conversation. At least she was talking to Zuko rather than just being angry and running away. So I waited and their words carried down to me.
Zuko voiced his agreement about the general uselessness of etiquette lessons and regaled Toph with some of the more ridiculous firenation customs he had to learn (apparently there are 32 different pieces of cutlery at a formal banquet and Zuko knows the correct use for all of them). This seemed to cheer Toph up somewhat and she countered that she used to have three servants to dress her and it would take three hours to get everything pinned and zipped just so and heaven forfend if she ever got her dress dirty. Her parents would never let her run barefoot outside – can you imagine anything more unladylike.
She said running away with us was the best thing to ever happen to her and she didn't miss her home at all.
Then Toph made a small noise that just made me want to cuddle her and just protect her from all the world. She'd never let me do that. In fact she'd be furious with me for trying, but still the urge was there.
She said in an entirely different voice that she knew her mother missed her, when Toph was declared too old for a governess, it was her mother who took over her education. They'd spent everyday together. Toph wasn't allowed to go to school and never had any friends before she met us. All because her mother was convinced that she was blind and helpless and had a weak heart. Toph was convinced they'd never see her as anything else. Zuko asked why and Toph explained that she'd been born premature and it had been a traumatic birth for her mother. Because she was born so early, she'd been blind and the doctors thought she would always be a weak and sickly child. They said that she had a weak heart and should be kept from the stress of the outside world as much as possible.
There was a small silence and the Zuko said that she wasn't the only one with a weak heart. He said weak heart with this bitter, sarcastic tone that I haven't heard from him in ages. Zuko confessed that he'd been born early as well. He had been a sickly baby and his dad always used to comment that he was lucky to be born, whereas Azula was born lucky. What was worse than being born early was being born in the middle of winter which is considered exceptionally unlucky in the firenation. Winter babies are not supposed to be able to firebend, or if they do, it's only ever weak firebending, so Zuko had put up with comments about his weak heart and weak lungs and weak firebending for a long time during his childhood.
Zuko's point was that he knew how Toph felt like she had something to prove, but she didn't need to prove anything to us. We all knew she was a brilliant. She was an incredible earthbender and a general bad ass and he was sure that one day her parents would recognise that about her. Toph said that they might recognise that about her, but that wouldn't change anything. She said they'll still want me to come home and be a lady and make a good match. When this war is over …they'll just want me back there living some useless fancy lady's life.
Zuko said that whatever happened, she would not have to go back to Gaoling after the war, not if she didn't want to. There was a small pause and then Zuko added much more quietly and shyly that she was his friend and she'd always have a place with him. If we win, I'll have a palace …and you can have your own suite... and I'd never boss you around …..and there would be lots of bad people for you to beat up. He said all this really uncertainly-almost like he was sure Toph would say no. but she chuckled and said You'd let a blind twelve year old girl beat people up for you. Zuko replied that he would let the best and toughest earthbender on the planet beat people up for him. There was the sound of a light punch and a whispered Thanks Zuko.
Then Toph said that they should be getting back because she knew I was waiting at the bottom of the hill and I was just itching to fuss over them. Bollocks. I'd forgotten about how far Toph's ability to sense me stretches. She explained that I had been eavesdropping this whole time, then she added well not the whole time, but most of the time. Zuko gave a soft laugh and said Yeah...she does that.
-?-
Toph let me cuddle her and fuss over her a little bit. I tried to restrain myself and not fuss too much or be too motherly. I know how she hates that. I repeated Zuko's offer that we would look after her . She could come back with me and Sokka to the South Pole if she wanted. Toph made a sardonic face at me and said that she would take a firenation palace over the South Pole, but thanks for the offer -in her usual sarcastic Toph tone of voice.
I am glad that she is sounding like her usual self.
-?-
When we got back to the house, everyone was called back from the search using Hawky. There was much rejoicing and fussing over Toph, which annoyed her greatly. She told us all to cut it out and stop being ridiculous. Aang was most enthusiastic about seeing her and praising her and showing off how good he'd gotten at earthbending as a result of her teachings so she shouldn't be sad. This seemed to mollify Toph somewhat, but she said their earthbending lesson was cancelled for the day. Because she had a letter to write. She asked if I would help her with it. Sokka also wanted to help, but I kicked him out. He is in the lounge room now, bothering Suki with Hawky. He keeps sending her little love notes while she attempts to finish 'Love Amongst the Dragons'. She cannot read three pages without getting a little missive.
This is annoying her greatly.
-?-
This letter was a little less polite and formal than the previous letter. She re-iterated that she intended to stay with us and that she was strong and tough and independent, not fragile and helpless. She concluded by saying that she loved her parents, she really did, but she would not be coming home in the near future, thank you very much.
When I'd finished writing, and we were waiting for the ink to dry, I sat next to her and asked if I could just check something quickly. She agreed curiously and I explained that I just wanted to check her heart and she nodded reluctantly. All this talk about weak hearts had me a little worried and I just wanted to make sure that she was okay. I put one hand on her chest and one on her back and felt her heart. It beat strong and steady. There was nothing weak about it and I told her so. She smiled and said she's always thought so too.
I folded up the letter and attached it to Hawky. We have sent him back to Gaoling. Sokka waved goodbye to Hawky for a long time. Sokka is quite sad to see Hawky go, but I have reminded him that Hawky will always come back.
I think Sokka will miss Hawky much more than Suki will.
-?-
Me and Zuko were having tea in the kitchen after letting off steam. I had let him win which was most unlike me. He had called me on it. He knew when I was going easy on him and this had annoyed him. I brought up what I had overheard him say about being born early and having a weak heart etc. He got a bit grumpy and said that it was just a standard diagnosis in the firenation for premature winter born babies. He said that he had never had a problem or anything but that it was just a label that they put on winter born kids. I asked if he would let me check, just to be on the safe side. He agreed, a little nervously.
I placed one hand on his chest and one hand on his back, just liked I'd done earlier with Toph. But this was way different. This felt really..what's the word...intimate I guess. I felt his heart beat out a quick but steady rhythm. I may have held him 'just checking' for ...err... a little longer than necessary, but he doesn't need to know that. I moved a little closer and his pulse quickened. He looked down and asked me if Sokka and I were really planning on going back to the South Pole after the war. I shrugged and said that we hadn't really discussed it, but that I wasn't certain we'd go back.
I told him to take some deep calming breaths and his pulse slowed a little. We just stood together for ages. I might have drifted off into a bit of a daydream. He looked down at me and smiled a little nervously and asked if he was okay - heart wise – because I'd been 'checking' for ages. Whoops! Ah yes! I was not just feeling him up. I was feeling him up for a purpose. A legitimate medical purpose.
I told him that his heart is fine.
In fact it has one of the strongest beats I've ever felt.
-?-
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frightfully long and rambly author's note. As usual.
Love wonderful readers, you have reached the end of 'letters from home' congratulations and I hope you enjoyed it! Big thanks to all those fabulous wonderful people who review! Seriously guys thanks! I'm not going to lie, I love reading that you guys are enjoying this story. Praise makes me a happy panda! It also makes me write faster! All my reviewers! You guys know I lave ya!
This chapter puts a bit of a spotlight on Toph's relationship with her parents. This never really gets resolved in the series and it's something that always puzzled me. So I guess I wanted to put a few ideas here. I think Toph's relationship with her parents is very complex and will probably pop up again in future chapters. It really has shaped some of Toph's more defining characteristics. Her resentment of authority and being babied, her determination etc.
Firstly I don't think Toph's parents are bad people at all. They are misguided yes, and they don't know Toph very well, but they do love her. That much is clear in the blind bandit. They are immensely and crazily worried about her and they see her as this tiny, blind, helpless girl. This view will not change easily. Even after seeing how bad ass she is at earthbending in the ring, and having her earthbending teacher say she is the best he's ever seen, all her dad can do is try and impose more limitations on her – to keep her safe-.
Toph has always been keep secret from the outside world which was something I found a little puzzling. Surely being blind is not that shameful. I had the idea that she might have been born premature (being a premie can be a cause of blindness from birth). This would have had a myriad of health problems that her parents would have been worried about, they would have been told about her delicate constitution and her weak heart etc. and so they kept her as safe and coddled as they could.
Premature babies can still thrive and be healthy and I think Toph is perfectly healthy, the only consequences of being born premature being that she is very short and petite for her age and is blind. But I think her parents always saw her as this rare and delicate flower who had to be protected. I got the feeling that the Bei Fong's are a very traditional family with the male as the head of the household (this is why Toph's appeal at the end of the blind bandit is addressed to her father – because he is the ultimate decision maker in their household). However I think Toph was closest to her mother, based on her excitement over getting a letter from her mother back in Ba Sing Se and how she either talks about her parents as a unit or her mother as a person in her own right.
I think her mother would worry about what would happen to her poor, blind baby girl when she was gone. To her mother, it would be impossible for Toph to make her own way in the world and so the most suitable solution would be a good marriage. She would want to groom her to be a proper young lady and that is why Toph knows so much about fancy manners and fancy ways despite never being allowed into the outside world or allowed to mingle with society.
I got the impression that Toph for the most part, played along with her parents idea of her. She had a charade as the helpless blind girl by day – incredible fighter by night – down pat. She was leading a double life because she thought her parents would not accept the Toph who was an impolite street fighter the same way they adored Toph the helpless blind girl. Mr Bei Fong's biggest reaction in Toph's fight scene is actually when she spits (how unladylike). After she is outed by Aang she offers a very heartfelt plea for them to accept her as she is – which is rejected by her father (oh my heart broke for her then) but we never got to see her mother's opinion.
I think her mother would have lead a very similar, sheltered and coddled life to the one that she was trying to bring Toph into. I also have this mad theory that she suffers from 'nerves' in a similar manner to Mrs Bennett in pride and prejudice. Her letter is not to make her out to be a horrible person, she is just a person of limited experience. Travelling and fighting with the Avatar is too alien and too scary and Toph's first letter would have really thrown her for a loop. Toph would almost seem like a stranger to her and she only wants her sweet helpless baby girl home so that she can take care of her. Toph and her mother's relationship is full of misguided love and protection, strict confining rules and smothering underestimation.
I think Toph's relationship with her mother occasionally spills over onto her relationship with Katara. Toph hates being mothered (as she associates that with been sheltered and thought incapable amongst other things). That's why I have her react so viscerally when Katara tries to comfort her and 'act motherly'. But at the same time I think that Toph has come to see Katara as a sort of positive motherly force. She's a mother figure who tries to understand Toph and who really cares about her and accept her as she is. So she still turns to Katara to read and write her letters and she does like (some) of the motherly attention Katara gives her.
I actually thought that Toph would be a nice foil for Zuko in this chapter, both of them were undervalued and unappreciated and thought of as incapable/inferior as children (Toph was in a more loving way). Both have really fought to prove themselves. I was always a bit puzzled by Zuko's comment that his dad used to say that Azula had been born lucky, but he'd been lucky to be born. So I have thrown it in here. I guess I interpret it that Zuko had a complicated birth and was born a few weeks early and at an unlucky time. Being labeled as weaker or lesser since birth is another thing that I think he and Toph have in common. I thought Zuko would be best placed to understand the myriad of feelings that Toph's mother's letter would stir up in her.
One of Toph's unspoken fears is that she will have to go back home and that everything will go back to the way it was. She has run away previously before Aang, but had no place to go and invariable ended up back home again. Her mother's letter confirms for her that her parents would prefer it if everything went back to the way it was. But now Toph has experienced the outside world and freedom and having friends and she doesn't want to go back. She loves her parents but she doesn't want to have to play the role of the helpless blind girl for them anymore.
I think Zuko is perceptive enough to pick up on this and offers her a solution. She wont have to go home if she doesn't want, he can take care of her and offer her a place to stay instead. He doesn't want to promise her something he can't deliver, so he adds the caveat If we win, But he is sincere in his offer. I think Toph was his first proper friend of his own and they have a lovely platonic friendship. He doesn't want her to have to go back to a life that would make her unhappy. But he's also very afraid of rejection so he and adds many more compelling arguments, her own room, people to beat up etc. Toph would have been happy to accept even without the people to beat up.
And because I am a sucker for the mush I have Katara check their heart function and get a little handsy with Zuko. Seriously though, they've both brought up being born premature and been diagnosed as having weak hearts and I think Katara is a good friend and would just want to check to be very sure and to see if there was anything she could do. Thankfully, they are both completely healthy.
In the next chapter Katara will go through the drawers and cabinets that she and Toph opened at the start of this chapter. She will get her rummage on and discover who's room she is staying in and a few other surprising things.
Til then lovely readers...