Integra winced visibly when Alucard began talking after a blissful period of silence. "Can we make a formal complaint to the Vatican? 'Your priest is sexually harassing my vampire. Please make him stop, sincerely Integra blah-blah Hellsing.'"

"Oh, Jesus."

"That's probably what they'll say."

God knows, you've done more than enough already. No more trouble, please. Just try to play nice. Integra scowled at the walls of the girl's dormitory, walking down the corridor without Walter to accompany her (he was too male to be allowed upstairs). Casting a dull look at her vampire, Integra rolled her eyes and withheld her retort, biting her lip instead. She nearly walked passed him when Alucard suddenly halted before a door and announced that they'd reached their destination.

As Alucard opened the door, Integra peered back at a pair of girls who emerged from a dorm room and immediately filled the hall with their giggles. They looked at her curiously, but Integra's attention was diverted to both Alucard and to quickly shutting the door to staunch his exclamations of: "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? ARE YOU AN F*ING MORON? COME ON!"

As Integra released the door handle, she witnessed the moment Alucard's face dropped into his hands, and a moan of agony, derived from the stupidity that surrounded him, competed with the sounds of drawers being reinserted into a desk and slammed closed. Integra stared at a lanky teen who sat on his knees, hastily, and yet timidly, putting the room he'd dissembled back in order. He spouted pitiful excuses while ignoring the elephant in the room.

Alucard sighed into his hands, "Christ on a bicycle. They're all idiots. I keep telling them all, they're simply too stupid. Too, too stupid. God damn it!."

"I'm sorry! I got really bored, okay? But I'm sorry, I promise I didn't do anything creepy. I went through your desk because I thought there'd- that there'd only be safe stuff in there. I didn't touch your closet or anything else- I- I was looking for the bear! Where'd you put it?"

Alucard's springy hair convulsed as he shook his head and let out another groan. "You… cause… me… so much trouble… You make… my life… so much worse." Integra was quite familiar with the feeling.

These words bit down too deeply, and as John shoved in the last of the drawers, he watched Alucard with a puckered brow and sad eyes. "I just wanted to join in."

The vampire's sparkly face emerged from his hands, and Alucard rubbed at his mask of 'war paint' tiredly. Then he stared dully at the sparkles that shimmered over his thumb, his knuckles, his fingertips, and his palm. Having already surrendered his claim to sanity, the small vampire wandered over to his desk chair, which had at some earlier point been pushed to the other side of the room by the bored and curious John. Sighing, and setting his cheek on his fist, elbow on the armrest, the large, sleep deprived eyes stared at the unfortunate teen as he fidgeted and cast his guilty expression towards the carpet's softer, more understanding embrace.

"Well," Alucard exhaled, rubbing his temple for a time, before he looked to the door to find Integra. Quickly his gaze swiveled about the room, but failed to uncover the Police Girl. At least this could be said to be John's fault, exclusively. His face emptied and nearly lifeless, Alucard viewed his master as she stood, examining and most likely identifying John. John meanwhile looked like he was trying to fade into the carpet fibers. "John." The boy jerked, winced, and then gradually lifted his head. Alucard leaned back in his chair, and used his now free hand to indicate Integra by the door. "This is my mother."

Surprised to see the person there, not having noticed her before, John's first look at Integra's face cemented her expression of disdain (directed at her daughter) in the boy's mind. He blinked, swallowed, and stammered a stupid sounding "Hello- M- Mrs. Hellsing. It-it's very nice to meet you." And as her face calmed, he swallowed again, coloring a bit as he realized that this was the sexy robot lady, and that her voice was not nearly as sexy as- well, all the rest of her.

The cobalt Hellsing gaze noticed as the teen's ears warmed to a brilliant scarlet blush, and Integra shifted her attention to Alucard, finding that she pitied John too much to be comfortable watching his shame (or, what she believed to be strictly his shame). "Yes," she began, and Alucard smiled at the tone Integra used, the starched sarcasm and irritated audible scowl, "Well, Mother needs to be leaving then, since your sister isn't here. I'll call you later, when we can talk… without your boyfriend distracting you."

John had started, and knelt, half raised, dithering and then refraining from standing, as his pink face blinked in awe. Alucard, drained of all humor, sat deflated and incredulous. Finally snapping to, he growled at the mother's forming smirk. "No, Mother dearest. I vowed not to get a boyfriend until you finally managed to snag one of your own. And given your old-maidish ways, I was counting on that happening sometime around Never."

Having soured at the vampire's brand of sarcasm and prickling retort, Integra Hellsing frowned, but then turned, preparing to leave that very moment. However, a familiar sigh and an unfamiliar exhausted request gave her a reason to pause.

Her vampire asked, quite genuinely, "Will you stay long enough to help me get rid of him? This is too much trouble for me to handle right now. I haven't slept. I haven't eaten. While I'm assuming you've managed to do everything your body needs to keep you vigorous and useful."

Both of the blondes looked to the wilted vampire who lay (rather than sat) in his desk chair. Then the blondes found one another, and mulled the question over.

She could smuggle me out in her coat… John gripped his knees and stared ashamedly into the carpet, thinking: Wow, good job John. This is Alucard's mom, and you're already trying to- He coughed, as though this would loosen his nerves and finally allow his blush to fade.

But it only deepened.

…

Alucard's low murmurs were interspersed with John's. "Integra is 5'10", the Police Girl is 5'8", I'm 6'5" (give or take a few inches) - " "No you're not (and it would be feet, not inches)-" "-Shut up, brat. But even 6'5" wouldn't actually hide you that effectively. You're about 6'2" or so… Hm, Father Anderson is roughly 6'9", but that's no help. Though he could mince you into more manageable pieces…" "Huh?" "-and Walter is 6'0" or else 5'11"… he keeps shrinking."

"You're like 5'0"… 5'1" at most. Maybe even 4'11"…"

"Again. Shut up." Alucard growled lowly at the boy, looked Integra over, and then hissed at his sparkly hand. "No coat would be able to whisk you out of here. You idiot. Idiot. Why did you come here?"

John moped in the corner, having banished himself to this 'isolated' spot. He said nothing. He couldn't say anything. He winced every time the dolled-up girl grunted something at him. But eventually his rattled emotions bubbled over, and he swallowed noisily, then demanded an answer. "Why're you wearing all that make-up?"

Crimson eyes fell on the boy, as though he were the present left by a less than house-broken puppy. If only he had a newspaper, the nosferatu lamented.

John glared uncomfortably at the freakish looking composition of the girl's new face. "You look like you dove head-first into a Kindergarten arts and crafts table."

Alucard didn't even bother to look at the little boy anymore, sitting back in his chair, swiveling from side to side with his stunted legs swinging to provide the necessary kinetic push. Alucard was thinking, but to John it looked like the pale girl was ignoring him.

So the jock stood to his full height, and grumbled incoherently, first, then coherently, "Who did you go see? Nobody dresses up like this for their mom."

Snorting, without humor, sounding more like a sneeze triggered by the vampire catching a whiff the peppery fragrance of teenage drama, Alucard spoke in a dead tone, "Mmm, I had a wonderful time with our calculus teacher. He slammed me against the wall most passionately."

It was Alucard's own fault that he hadn't chosen his words more carefully (he most likely had an unconscious need to antagonize and enrage, though at the moment he wasn't much interested in either). It was both of the "teens'" faults for having this squabble in front of dearest mother, who scowled darkly about the room, resenting these problems which were never hers to begin with. "Out of anger, Alucard. Stop being so crude. You've been unpleasant the entire time I've been here."

Legitimately perplexed, Alucard diverted from his thoughts, the chair rotating towards Integra and pausing. "Crude? What was so crude?"

"Are you even listening to yourself?"

"No. That's your job. His job. Everyone else's job. So there's no reason for me to bother with that."

"…Uhuh. I think the one with the most viable complaint for sexual harassment here would be Father Anderson. From what I've seen today."

Alucard shrugged, "Meh. He's a priest, not a nun. If he had indoor (female) plumbing, he could make any sort of complaint he wanted. But so long as you have outdoor (the more practical and enjoyable)plumbing, you'll never be taken seriously."

Integra was too confused by her vampire's ridiculous use of 'plumbing' to compose a useable response. So she shook her head, and leant her thoughts towards their more pressing dilemma. Getting rid of the boy, without getting Alucard (or, she had to assume, the boy) in trouble. The young woman pulled out her phone and dialed Walter.

"Yes Sir Integra? Are you coming down anytime soon?"

Integra looked at her phone, then the darkened window, and realized just how much of her life had been wasted in this room. With a cringe, she took a breath, "Well, we have a bit of a problem. Alucard has an unwant- a visitor. An unexpected visitor. Male and of the teenage student variety-"

"Oh dear."

"Yes, I see you've grasped the depth of the matter."

"Do you have any ideas-" Walter could somehow sense that Integra was either pinching the bridge of her nose or rubbing her temple, some typical show of aggravation, frustration, and perhaps self-pity. "I'm sorry. I'll help as much as I can, but I'm a bit limited by, well, my disfavored gender. Though, posing as Alucard's …grandfather… I might be able to come up. And unless the 'visitor' is recognized, I could claim that I, poor senile Grandpa, brought up our dear cousin or nephew, and so forth, without knowing any better."

"Walter… I love you, but… Actually, no. I'm sorry to say this, but that's the most reasonable thing I've heard all evening." Integra drooped a little, out of shame for shoving all of this onto an elderly man's shoulders (specifically poor Walter's), and showed signs of having been infected with Alucard's exhaustion. "Come on up, if you can. Fourth floor, and call me if you get that far. I'll open the door for you."

"I wish you luck."

The woman shut her eyes, head shaking slowly. "It's no use," she murmured, and opened her eyes to the creature in the chair and the legendary 'boy on a leash.' "No use at all."