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lest we forget

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I had another dream about Zuko last night. It was like my last dream where Master Pakku and the show girls had taken him captive. Except this time I didn't hesitate to kiss him.

That bit was lovely actually.

Our lips touched and there was a lot of groping and tongues and it was all very nice. I remember at one point Zuko made what I think was a witty double entendre about rising with the sun and then he made a distinctly cheeky face, winked at me and looked down at his err...anyway. That when I knew for sure I was dreaming and it was one of those really weird dreams where you know that you're dreaming but you can't do anything to change the dream. I knew this was dream because there is no way in the entire world that my Zuko could say a line like that without blushing and stammering and falling over his words. But dream Zuko was a smooth talker and it was all very Oh la la!

Then Jet, dressed up in the spangly showgirl outfit came and yelled at me about betraying my people and fraternising with the enemy. Master Pakku was there, also inexplicably dressed as a show girl (why is he always dressed as a showgirl in my dreams?) and he agreed with Jet and said the fraternisation had to stop. Then me and Zuko had to fight Jet and Pakku over this rainbow trout. Jet and Zuko fought for some time and that was very Oh La La as well. While everybody was distracted with their sword fight, I grabbed the trout and we won! Master Pakku told me to use it well and he had taught me all I needed to know about trout bending. I woke up.

Am I the weirdest person every for dreaming something like this?

-?-

When I got up this morning, Zuko and Aang were firebending in the courtyard and trying to pretend they didn't have a giant fight yesterday. They were having mixed success. Sokka was the only other one up and he was eating a sandwich of Sokka's secret sauce and banana (Why Sokka? Why?) and watching the practice. I thought that I would ask Sokka about my dream. If someone like Sokka who dreams of Suki as a red-headed penguin thought my dream was weird, then I would know for sure that I am going a little crazy (possibly from all the stress of the war, or possibly close proximity to Zuko is melting my brain).

Sokka got out his Wang Fire beard, much to my irritation. But he likes it so and he thinks he sounds smarter with it on, so I didn't make him take it off. I didn't tell him much detail and I changed some names, but Sokka still kept trying to guess who everybody was in my dream. I have denied some of his guesses rather vehemently so he will know that I am definitely not dreaming about that person in that way.

Sokka arched an eyebrow at me and said that if I was dreaming about Jet dressed in a spangly showgirl outfit, that was okay by Sokka. He hadn't liked the guy and he found the mental image of Jet in sequins hilarious. Sokka said that he thought my fraternisation partner would be able to take Jet in a fight. I said he didn't even know who my fraternisation partner was. Sokka shrugged and gave me a knowing look.

Sokka didn't understand what was going on with the trout but said he wouldn't mind baked trout for dinner. He started talking at length about baked trout. Could I make baked trout like gran gran used to make? Was that even possible in a firenation summer? We could get trout from the fishmarket and give it a go. He had been craving trout for ages and maybe my dream was my brain's way of telling me to make baked trout. Sokka's Secret Sauce would go great with baked trout. In Sokka's dream, Bosco came and had dinner with us and he really wanted some baked trout too (if dream bosco swayed me in any way on matter of the baked trout).

Okay! Okay! I'll make trout!

But I'll need to go shopping to get ingredients.

Sokka has said he will come with me. He has some shopping to do to.

-?-

Aang and Zuko have had another small skirmish over something. Me and Sokka both missed what it was about. They are sitting at the breakfast table now and being disgruntled with each other again. Aang has announced that he only wants to work on earthbending for the rest of the day and Zuko has made a sarcastic comment about Aang's commitment to firebending and they haven't spoken since.

This is awkward.

But this awkwardness has not been caused by a fight about me, as far as I am aware. So I am okay.

-?-

Toph got up, had breakfast and took Aang earthbending. Suki declared that she would come shopping with us and Sokka decided it was his mission in life to get Zuko out of the house and make sure Zuko came shopping too.

So Sokka has been trying to convince Zuko to go shopping with him for a long period of time this morning. Without much success. Zuko doesn't have much interest in offering a guy's second opinion, or whatever it is Sokka wants him to do. However Zuko has all day free now and is a bit at a loss with what to do with himself. This day off is unexpected and I think a little unwelcome to Zuko. When normal people have a day off, they relax. I have been trying to encourage Zuko to embrace his day off and relax etc, but this is a completely foreign concept to Zuko. Apparently he never relaxes.

Sokka's many arguments in support of shopping went like this; it will cheer Zuko up (Zuko maintains that it will not, but will most likely have the reverse affect and make him lose the will to live) Zuko needs to get out of the house (this is true and I have voiced my support of this!) if Zuko comes he will get quality time with Sokka (Zuko said quite sarcastically that Sokka wasn't making the compelling case he thought he was with this point), Sokka will buy him a packet of firegummies (Zuko prefers fireflakes). I piped up that we were running out of a few things and I needed to do a big grocery shop anyway and I wouldn't mind the company and somebody else to help carry all the stuff and we needed at least one person to carry the big trout. Zuko looked between us and threw up his hands and said fine, I'll come! But I'm not picking out belts that match shoes with you (this last comment was directed at Sokka).

We told Toph and Aang we would be back, Sokka grabbed Suki and a list of things he wanted and we were off!

-?-

Later, after much persuading of a certain reluctant group member, we had made it to the leather goods shop and we were trying to help Sokka match his belt and shoes. Sokka was ooohing and aaaahing over this belt and that belt and Suki was helping him find ones that would match his soon-to-be new shoes. Sokka was apparently 78% sure about the shoes- not 100%, but 78% was pretty good (Zuko is 78% sure he is going to die of frustration before the end of this shopping trip). Because of Sokka's recent and continuing growth spurt, his shoes are now way too small for his ginormous feet. So really he did need new clothes and shoes and a belt.

We'd picked him up few new tunics/pants etc just before coming to the shoe shop. Sokka had frequently asked Zuko to give a guy's opinion. Eventually Zuko made a sarcastic comment that the red one made Sokka's arse look big (this was the first time he'd deigned to give an opinion on Sokka's various outfits that wasn't oh for agni's sake, it looks fine.) Sokka made a retaliatory comment re: Zuko's arse also looked big, so there! Months of my cooking was making Zuko fat!(this is untrue, but Zuko did look down at himself with a worried glance when Sokka first said this.) Inelegant struggling in the change rooms ensued. A rack of clothes got knocked over and in the ensuing struggle, Suki and I got treated to a nice view of the arses in question.

Mmmmmmmhhhhhh. Even better than in my dream.

Not that I'm like a pervy pervert or anything. Zuko's just got a bit of a nice arse that's all. And it was right there, how was I supposed to not look. And Suki looked too! So I am not alone in having a little perv!

-?-

After we had bought shoes, a belt, some new clothes and a few books, Sokka pronounced himself satisfied, shopping-wise and said we could go do the boring grocery shopping stuff now. When we were walking to the fruit market, suddenly this loudly gonging bell rang out and shops started closing. Sokka, Suki and I didn't know what was going on, but Zuko explained that the gong was the bell of mourning in the firenation. Somebody important had died. Or there was an official mourning ceremony. In the firenation, if someone very important has died, people have to take an hour off work to honour their departed spirit. So none of the shops would open for another hour.

oh.

Zuko said that from the way the bell was being rung with such force, it was a either very important person who died or a big official ceremony. Sokka (rather hopefully) espoused that someone could have assassinated the firelord. And odd look passed over Zuko's face and he shrugged and said it was possible. But we'd have to check out the ceremony to know for sure. Sokka put all his purchases in his new over the shoulder bag and the four of us followed some shop keepers who had just finished locking up.

It was a longish walk, right to the other side of town. I had never been there before. It was a bit of a poorer neighbourhood. We could tell we were getting closer because the crowd got thicker and there was a bit of jostling. The crowd was feeding through several small alleys. Suki was in front and said we should hold hands so we didn't get separated, she reached behind and took Sokka's hand, who took mine. I reached out for Zuko who was bringing up the rear and took his warm hand in my own and gave it a little squeeze, he squeezed back. Now we were all joined like some great human chain.

I glanced around at the crowd. Could we ask one of them what had happened and who had died? There were many people wearing white (Zuko told me later that white is the colour of mourning in the firenation.) Some people were crying silently, but still walked in that straight-backed, chin-out firenation way. Everybody looked very sombre. I felt suddenly shy, I didn't want to bother someone who was looking so sad. I think the others felt the same.

Suddenly the space opened up. We were in a large square near where the town hall was. Opposite the town hall, there was a giant moon gate that lead into what looked like a garden. Carved into the top of the moon gate was the inscription : in memorial of those who lost their lives in the Siege of the Northern Water Tribe. In front of the gate stood a man who was dressed like a firesage. He was reading aloud from a list of names. Every so often, he would read out a name and there would be this dreadful cry from somewhere else in the crowd. At one point, the woman who was standing just in front of us, slumped on herself and let out a very low muffled sob in response to one of the names.

oh.

I didn't want to be here. I felt weird and awkward. I felt like I was intruding. I looked around but the square had filled up behind us, we wouldn't be able to get out of here without having to really shove our way through the crowd. It would be rude to do that. Even though I wanted to get out of this square quite badly, I didn't want to be rude to grieving people at a memorial service. So we stayed.

I had fought against these people. I had been defending my sister tribe and I know I was doing the right thing. I told myself that we had been fighting for our very survival. We had been mercilessly attacked by the firenation. We had done the right thing. Any casualties the firenation had suffered, they'd brought on themselves. But right then, standing in a square while a man read out names and women cried, I didn't quite feel it.

I had never given any of those men another thought, not really. Not until now. They'd all had families and people who cared about them. Zuko had told me about how the navy and the army had to bring in conscription to boost their numbers. How many of those soldiers had actually wanted to be there? How many had just been randomly conscripted and had been plucked from their regular lives? How many people had died in this terrible, stupid war?

We all scooted close together. I looked at Zuko and he was looking at the firesage and listening intently. Twice, after the firesage read out a name, Zuko made a little sigh and closed his eyes and looked so sad. When the firesage stopped reading out the names and he lit this large cauldron in front of him and the flame burned a brilliant white for a second. A Tsungi horn was played low and mournfully. The firesage bowed to the crowd and they all bowed and saluted in reciprocation. Zuko's hand slipped front mine and he did a firenation salute. Suki, Sokka and I copied him. The firesage cleared his throat and said Agni rest their spirits, which the crowd repeated after him. The firesage then recited, in a sombre voice:

At the going down of the sun and in the morning,

We will remember them. Lest we forget.

The crowd (and Zuko) bowed again and repeated lest we forget after the firesage. The Tsungi horn played again. This seemed to mark the end of the ceremony, because the firesage stepped aside from the front of the moon gate and some of the crowd started walking towards the entrance and the rest of the crowd started to disperse. I think the four of us were all feeling a little sad after that. Zuko especially. He was watching the moon gate with this odd expression on his face. I reached for his hand with my right and Sokka with my left and I said Come on, let's get out of here, and I led us all out of this square of sadness.

-?-

Shops were opening up again and by the time we got back to the market all the stall roofs were propped up. But I didn't feel like grocery shopping right then. I lead everybody into the nearest tea shop and we all sat down in the back. I think we all needed a spot of tea to lift our spirits. I couldn't stop thinking about that woman in front of us, the way her shoulders slumped and her quiet sob. Was she crying for her son? Her brother? Her husband?

We ordered tea and dumplings and the tea lady bought them and bustled off and left us alone. Suki had a couple of questions about the ceremony. Why now? The Siege of the North was ages ago. Zuko explained that in the firenation, if someone was lost at sea, it was customary to wait two full seasons or more before declaring them legally dead. Most people in the firenation knew how to swim and sometimes people could wash up, still alive, in the most surprising places. That's why the ceremony was such a long time after the battle.

The Siege of the North had been such a huge navy defeat for the firenation, less than one in twenty ships had made it back. When Zuko was in the capitol, he knew they still hadn't properly finished counting the death toll and there were still a few islands who were holding out hope that there might be some more survivors. Ember Island had refused to hold the memorial ceremony on the appointed day and the governor had said he would hold the ceremony on a day when he felt it was appropriate, (when the island sages were sure there were no survivors). The ceremony we attended today was just for the sailors from ember island.

oh.

That list was just the dead from this island? I had never realised how big the scope of the defeat was. For us at the time, the only thing that mattered was that we had won. The moon spirit had survived (thought poor Yue had not) and balance had been maintained. There were a few injuries, and some waterbenders were severely wounded, but the healers had seen to them. We had been very lucky. Zuko said it wasn't so much luck as it was Aang and the giant Koi Fish of Doom thing he did.

There was a little silence.

Suki asked quietly what should we tell Aang? To her knowledge, Aang believed he hadn't ever killed anybody, but next time he came into to town, he might see that giant moon gate and that huge arse memorial and wouldn't it be better if he knew from one of us. What was Suki suggesting? That we go tell gentle, generous Aang that when he was one with the ocean spirit, he had killed a large amount of people? I politely disagreed with this idea.

We should never tell Aang about this. Ever.

In fact it would probably be better if we discouraged him from coming into town in the future, so he wouldn't accidentally stumble across the memorial. Zuko gave me an odd look. Zuko pointed out that Aang should already know what he had done at the North Pole, hadn't Aang been there? I told him that it was the oceanspirit (not Aang) who had done that. Aang didn't remember much from the time he fused with the oceanspirit and what possible gain could there be in telling him.

Zuko said that if Aang was going to find out what happened sooner or later. Yes, okay. That is true. But that doesn't mean we need to tell him any sooner than necessary. I felt the same fierce protectiveness I felt back at the Southern Air Temple, when I tried to stop Aang from finding out about the genocide. I can't protect him forever from all the bad news out there, but I can at least try to protect him for as long as possible. If Aang knew just how many people had died that night because of the ocean spirit (I tell myself it was all the ocean spirit, not Aang)... well Aang would never get over it. He'd blame himself. He wouldn't ever want to think he killed anyone. He might not want to fight any more if he knew he was capable of such destruction.

I looked to Sokka to back me up, but Sokka was poking a dumpling listlessly. He never likes talking about the Seige at the North Pole. It makes him think of Yue and that makes him sad. I popped my dumpling on his plate too, in an effort to cheer him. Meaty dumplings comfort Sokka.

Zuko pointed out that by keeping stuff like this from Aang, I wasn't just protecting him, I was keeping Aang from facing consequences for his actions and understanding the reality of our situation. Perhaps Zuko has a point, but protecting Aang is a habit with me. I can't help it. He's just an innocent, sweet kid (for the most part) and I want him to stay that way. What point would it serve to tell Aang now? Zuko said it would make him feel better if Aang just knew what he had done. He said this rather stroppily and with a few different layers of feeling.

There was a bit of silence following this outburst. Zuko said quietly that he knew two of the people from the island who had died. Cookie (the cook) and Pi (the galley hand) had been on his ship. His crew were mostly people who had been dishonoured/shamed themselves somehow, but they were still his crew. Cookie had been caught putting unmentionable items in Zhao's soup (back when he was just a captain) as was assigned to Zuko's ship instead as punishment. (I like the sound of Cookie). Pi had been assigned to Zuko because he'd been kicked of his own ship for lewd acts with a koala sheep. (I don't like Pi so much- Lewd acts with a koala sheep? the mind boggles). This sentence shook Sokka out of his broody-Yue-funk and he stared and Zuko aghast and was most curious as to what lewd acts with a koala sheep would entail. Zuko gave him a look and said that he had never actually had a chat with Pi about his tendency for preforming lewd acts with a koala sheep, and he really didn't want to knowwhat that would entail.

Anyway, Zhao had comandeered them and they'd all had to go into the siege. Even though they weren't his crew technically when they died, Zuko still felt responsible for them. Lewd acts aside, they hadn't deserved that. And he felt that even if it was the ocean spirit who did that, Aang was partly responsible as well. Aang didn't even know what kind of destruction he had wrought and what he was actually capable of. People were dead and Aang didn't even know. And if Aang didn't even know then Aang didn't even care. If we didn't tell him, then he'd never have to think about the consequences of his actions. If we didn't tell him, then Cookie and Pi were dead for no reason whatsoever.

I said that they were already dead for no reason whatsoever. This war is pointlessly destructive and the only way to end it is with Aang. But if we told Aang something like this, I could guarantee we would get either : a) an Aang tantrum b)or an Aang depression or c) Aang would run away for a period of time, or d) all of the above. Did this sound like a good idea to Zuko? It did not.

If we told Aang now, it would throw him off needlessly and right now we needed to help Aang stay on top form so that he would have a chance at defeating the firelord. Sokka who'd been listening mostly silently up until this point (curiosity about lewd acts with koala sheep aside), voiced his agreement with me. Something like this would crush Aang and we need an uncrushed Aang. We have all made a pact to keep silent on the matter of the firenation losses at the north pole. Though Zuko has agreed with some disgruntlement.

-?-

After we had finished our tea, we got up to go to the market. We collected a bunch of fruit and veggies and some rice from the market and then we went to the docks to get a large trout. Sokka is overjoyed that I'm going to try make gran gran's baked trout and has volunteered to carry the trout. Zuko and Suki and I had our arms piled high with groceries. We started the long walk home. Sokka was messing about with the trout and trying to lift it high enough so that it could "kiss" Suki. She was dodging and diving this way and that and had thus far, successfully avoided the over-amorous fish. Every now and then she let out a shriek of surprise and delight from behind us.

Zuko and I were walking side by side. He was pretty quiet, even for him. I asked if he was mad at me about how I wanted to keep the firenation losses from Aang. He sighed and looked off and said that he understood my point about Aang's temperament and I was probably right. Aang wouldn't be able to cope with this information. But it still didn't sit right with him. I must have made an alarmed face because he quickly reassured me that he wasn't going to tell Aang or anything, once he promised something, he stuck to his word. But still. He felt like he was ignoring or forgetting Cookie and Pi somehow. By not telling Aang, like he was somehow diminishing their sacrifice.

We got further ahead of Sokka and Suki and Zuko started talking more about his crew. He rarely ever talks about them or all that time at sea. But they had all been together for more than two years on that boat and that counted for something. Even though Zuko tried to act aloof around all the crew (he had very much wanted them to respect him and back then he thought that respect came with a certain amount of arrogance) he still knew who they all were and why they were on his boat. There wasn't that many of them and they had all screwed up in their own way. But most of them had been decent people, if a little to prone to drink or cheekiness or lewd acts. He didn't know if any of them had made it, and that was weighing heavily on his mind.

For all Zuko knew, he and his Uncle were the only ones from their boat who had survived. Cookie and Pi both had not much in the way of family. They'd both been conscripted young and the navy was their family. But Cookie could do the most amazing things with pickled herrings and on the few occasions when Zuko had addressed Pi, the older man had made an effort to look at his whole face and not just stare at his scar like some of the other crew members did. Uncle, who'd spent a great deal of time in the kitchen, said that Cookie wanted to open up a little restaurant on twenty mile beach when he retired and Pi was going to help him and now they'd never get to do that. Even worse Zuko was one of the only people in the world who knew or cared about that and if he didn't acknowledge them, then who would? He said that he felt like if he didn't acknowledge them, it would almost be like they never existed after all.

I didn't know what to say and normally when I don't know what to say, I try and touch him in some sort of reassuring manner. If I'd had a free hand then, I would have reached out to him, but both my arms were full of groceries. So I said nothing and Zuko turned his face to the ocean and we continued walking in silence.

-?-

Zuko helped me pack away all the groceries. Toph and Aang were still earthbending and the loud thumps of their rock blasts could be heard throughout the house. Suki was playing the mandolin for Sokka while they canoodled in the hammock. The sound of the mandolin and the earthbending were blending together in this rather strange symphony. I wish I knew what to say to make Zuko feel better. He was sad and broody and moody and I hadn't been able to shake him out of it.

I was putting away the rice in the pantry and I saw it and I knew what to do. On the top shelf near the back was a small collection of glass bottles filled with amber liquids in various shades. I had seen them when we first cleaned up the kitchen, but had left well enough alone. Now I reached up for them and opened a few and had a smell of the contents. They smelled nasty and alcoholic. I grabbed one that said sweet chilli flavoured firewhiskey. Zuko loves sweet chilli flavoured everything else, so hopefully this one wouldn't be too bad.

I got two small glasses which I held in one hand while I grabbed Zuko with the other and pulled him into the pantry with me. He looked quite perplexed at this. He had a strange mix of expressions on his face. He almost looked vaguely hopeful actually, in the half light of the pantry. I told him I had something to show him and I produced the bottle of sweet chilli firewhisky. He took it silently and looked at me curiously and asked me if I wanted to get drunk now with a great deal of confusion.

No you idiot.

I still had dinner to cook. I had to stuff a whole fish and manhandle it into the oven and I would not be able to do that if I were squiffy. So that's a no to the getting drunk. Zuko looked even more confused and handed me the bottle back and just tilted his head and looked at me and asked me whey we were hiding in the pantry with firewhiskey then?

I said that I did want to honour Cookie and Pi in some way with him, if that was okay. He looked really surprised when I said this and his mouth fell open a little and he gaped at me. I explained to him about how in the water tribe, my dad and his friends would honour fallen warriors with a small drink of strong,sweet ice wine. We toasted the person and had a drink and it was our way of honouring their spirits. Sweet chilli fire whiskey seemed pretty similar to thick ice wine and I thought it would do Zuko some good to honour Cookie and Pi in some way. He was obviously thinking about them a lot. Zuko nodded in agreement and stared at his glass.

I said this would have to stay between us. This would have to be a sneaky drink. I'm sure if Sokka knew all this whiskey was here, there would be drunken shenanigans of some description. Zuko smiled at me and agreed about the drunken shenanigans. It was the first time I'd seen him smile all day and it made me feel very warm on my insides. I poured us both a small measure and put the bottle down. We clinked glasses and I said to Cookie and Pi, lest we forget, because that was what the sage had said at the memorial earlier, and held my glass up. But Zuko gently corrected me and said that lest we forget was only for official memorial services and it was customary to say Agni rest their spirits instead, when toasting someone who had died.

I toasted Cookie and Pi in the customary firenation way and then Zuko and I clinked glasses. He whispered thank you Katara, really softly, in that husky voice of his... and ooh I felt like I was drunk already and I hadn't even taken a sip yet. I smiled at him and he smiled back and we both sniffed our drinks experimentally. Zuko had never had sweet chilli firewhiskey before. Well neither had I. I said that you had to drink after you toasted someone, otherwise I'm sure it was some sort of bad luck. We agreed to drink them on the count of three.

One..two..three

-?-

Gah!

-?-

Oh firewhiskey! She does not burn so good!

-?-

Oh my god! Why would anybody make a drink this vile. This is like Sokka's secret sauce in alcoholic beverage form.

-?-

Do not feel like such an idiot for spluttering and finding firewhiskey vile. Zuko made an absolutely hilarious face after he tipped his glass back. He coughed and spluttered and his eyes went wide and he almost snorted some out his nose but he kept it down like a champion. We have agreed to never drink firewhiskey again. That stuff is nasty. But Zuko feels a little better for doing something to honour Cookie and Pi, so I have succeeded in my original endeavour.

-?-

Feeling a bit happy now, actually.

-?-

Trouts are weird. What am I even doing baking a trout?

-?-

Zuko tried to help me with the trout. But trouts are weird. Couldn't remember what gran gran did so we experimented. Actually, we just ended up slicing it open and stuffing it with all the spices in the entire kitchen. Don't know what we put in it exactly or just quite how this will turn out. Zuko lit the oven on with his firebending and manage to manhandled the whole trout in there. It is a huge fish. Its tail was sticking out weirdly, so Zuko chopped it off with one of his dao swords, which could have been overkill. The fish is already dead, so why attack it with a sword? But now the fish fits in the oven and will bake. Mission accomplished. Yay!

-?-

Zuko tumbled over the couch, and then just lay on the terracotta tiles in a heap. I laughed. He said that he had meant to do it (his little tumble) and the terracotta tiles were soothing. A likely story. He waved me over and I joined him on the floor...Actually they are soothing. They are very cold and the day was so hot and it was refreshing to lie on them. So we stayed, laying together side by side and giggling over something. This seemed like a great idea at the time, which makes me think I should never have fire whiskey again. Zuko said we were ridiculous for getting drunk on one tumbler of firewhiskey and declared that we should get some water and sober up. Then he nudged me.

What is with the nudge?

He said I was a water bender, I should get us some water. I tried. Was unsuccessful. I have said that if Zuko wanted water, he would have to get it for us and it wasn't fair to expect me to do everything water related. I didn't expect him to do all the fire stuff. Zuko got a bit argumentative. Apparently I always expect him to light my fires. This struck me as exceptionally funny. I said oh baby you can light my fire, which was one of the dreadful lines that one of those earth kingdom floozies told stagezuko in that terrible play.

I crack me up!

-?-

Zuko was a little tippy and when he's a bit tippy he's a bit more prone to sharing. Some tidbits I would have to wrench and tickle and cajole and truthbend out of him when he is sober, he just says when he's a bit tippy. We had been talking about responsibility (this is one of Zuko's favourite words) and how Zuko is not sure Aang understands. We'd chatted a bit about Pi and Cookie. Zuko hadn't known them very well, but his uncle had perpetually been in the kitchens and spoke highly of them. Zuko felt like it was his duty to take care of all his crew and now two of them were dead. I failed them, you know, He confessed quietly before adding. I'm sick of failing people and feeling like people have died and it's all my fault. I protested, he explained.

He still thinks Jet is partly his fault (more protesting from me). He couldn't do anything for Zhao and then that ocean monster ate him. The ocean monster ate him? My brain went what? When was this? What happened? But instead I said that Zhao deserved what he got for killing the moonspirit, so Zuko shouldn't feel guilty about that. Zuko said that he thought what happened to Yue was his fault too. If he hadn't been so pigheaded and taken Aang I would have been there in the spirit oasis and I could have stopped Zhao. I wasn't sure, Zhao was pretty good. Zuko said you're better firmly. Perhaps he's right, but what good are all these thoughts to him now.

I told him if anyone was to blame for what happened to Yue, it was Zhao for killing that fish. I got a bit stroppy with him and told him he was being ridiculous and couldn't keep blaming himself and playing the what if game. That game drives you crazy. I played What if non-stop after my mother died and it never does any good. What happened, happened. If he hadn't taken Aang everything might have gone really differently.

Yue had been lovely and she was my friend. But she had been brought up to understand that she duties and responsibilities to her tribe. Zuko said quietly that he understood about responsibility. Yes, I'm sure he did, it is one of his favourite words after all. I explained that Yue loved her tribe and when she knew that she could restore the moon spirit and save her tribe, there is not a single thing any of us could have done to stop her. Suddenly I remembered this one conversation I had with Yue so clearly. She thought my bending was amazing. She wished she could do it too, but it had never entered her mind as a possibility. Princesses were allowed to do even less than regular girls in the Northern Water Tribe. She told me she thought she would be too scared and too weak for bending anyway.

She was very strong and selfless and brave, in the end.

We were quiet for a bit before Zuko said softly she was my age. She was my age when she died. I reached out for his hand and said she didn't die, she became the moonspirit. I drew a big circle above our heads to symbolise the moon. I confessed that sometimes I talk to Yue. On the fullmoon. She never answers me, but sometimes it's nice just to ask her my questions and think about what she would do.

-?-

Some time later again, not sure how long, Zuko stretched and groaned and rolled over and then stood up. He reached out and helped me up and I did the stretchy groany thing too. I didn't let go of his hand but pulled him into the kitchen with me. We had 2 very big glasses of water. Still felt a little tippy, but I think we were both sobering up by then. We could be tolerably sober for dinner. Zuko made us a ginger tea and I checked on the fish. It was a little ...err...crispier than it should be. And someone had put a very large amount of fireflakes in the mouth (I blame Zuko). It was stuffed with all and sundry herbs and spices. It looks nothing like my Gran Gran's baked trout, but I imagine Sokka will eat it anyway.

It will certainly taste interesting to say the least.

-?-

Dinner was interesting. Sokka was very perplexed by my experimentation with baked trout. What did you do to it? But as soon as he took a mouthful, his eyes went wide and he made this little happy food noise and began to eat with gusto. Suki found it intriguing that I had put fireflakes and mango and lime all together. This flavour combination perplexes her. It perplexes me too, but it doesn't taste bad. Just weird. Toph found it intriguing that I had used so many fireflakes at all, considering my previous strong opposition to the flakes. Aang was eating the salad I made for him and so he didn't have an opinion on the trout. He asked us how shopping was and then there was a little awkward pause.

Sokka thankfully filled in the silence rather enthusiastically and told Aang all about his new purchases (the belt and the shoes match perfectly!) he offered to show Aang all his purchases and before Aangh could say yes, Sokka had gotten up and put some of his new clothes on and started a fashion show for us. Sokka asked Aang's opinion on several pieces. What do you think of this Aang? Zuko says it makes my butt look big, but I think it's okay. Aang replied that it looked great and Zuko was probably jealous because red wasn't his colour. Zuko got a bit defensive and said of course red was his colour. He got a bit irate about this actually. (It was quite funny). He said I'm friggin firenation. I'm all about red. Aang shrugged and said it would depend on the red, some reds would wash him out and wouldn't work at all with his complexion. Aang has gotten the grumpy face. Mild bickering over colour has ensued. Sokka has declared Aang his shopping partner for life. Aang understands about colour.

-?-

I was feeling a bit tired and so I went straight to bed after Zuko and I did the dishes. Sokka loitered in the kitchen and picked at the trout while we washed and dried and continued his mild argument with Zuko.(Green really is more your colour Zuko, it would bring out your eyes – That's it, I'm going to have to beat you over the head with your new shoes! No, even better, I'm going to dye your new shoes purple so they won't match anything at all! ) I left the boys still bickering about colour. I feel sure that there will be inelegant struggling before they go to bed.

-?-

So I had a bad dream. It left me feeling uneasy. The ocean spirit was actually a monster, not a spirit, and it was eating everything and I was trying to reason with it. I woke up with a jolt and it was still dark outside. I think that I woke up so early because I had gone to bed a lot earlier than I normally did. Before I could even stop myself, I had walk silently to Zuko's room, just to check if he was awake. He'd said the ocean spirit had eaten Zhao yesterday, granted he'd been a little tippy at the time, but what did he mean by that? But he was still asleep when I crept into his room.

I have been a little stalky. Again.

I snuck into Zuko's room. Again.

I watched him sleep for a bit. Again.

I know, it's weird and wrong and I should stop doing this before it becomes a habit. A weird and wrong habit. But I'm just worried about him and sometimes I just feel better for checking on him. When I saw he was still asleep, I decided to leave. I swear.

But he said my name.

He said my name in his sleep. In this soft little breathy tone. At first I thought he was awake but he wasn't. He was still dreaming.

He was dreaming about me.

Yay!

And obviously it was a good dream! how could any dream with me in it be anything less than awesome. I waited for him to say it again, just so I could be sure I didn't imagine it. I stood completely still. I am so wily. I am not going to make the same creaky floorboard mistake this time. He said my name twice more! Double yay! The third time he said it, he made this sexy little rumble in his throat that I found very distracting.

I might have loitered for a big longer than I should have. I wanted to talk to him. Could I poke him and wake him up? Would that be weird? Whatever, he'd have been up soon anyway. I shook him gently and he gave a startled little yell and got all tangled up in his sheets and fell out of bed. It was adorable. I laughed (quietly, I didn't want to wake the others)

He got up and brushed himself off and wrapped the sheet around himself regally, in his trying to maintain my dignity pose. This was also adorable. He said indignantly, Katara! You scared the crap out of me! He looked around with some confusion and noticed it was still dark outside. He asked me what I was doing here. In his room. In the wee hours of the morning.

Oooh..ummm...think brain.

I said that I had had a bad dream and I had wanted to talk to him about something, but he had said my name in his sleep and I thought he was awake and I was just checking if he was awake and that was when I woke him up.

That sounded much more plausible/reasonable in my head.

Zuko was looking at me sceptically and was blushing slightly and denied saying my name in his sleep. Nah uh! I heard him, he said it not once, not twice but three times! I was sure it must have been a nice dream, if it had me in it. He blushed a brilliant shade of scarlet and denied dreaming about me some more.

If you say so Zuko.

Zuko changed subjects and said enough about my dream, what was your dream about anyway? I paused for a second and he prompted me. That dream you mentioned...you wanted to talk to me about it...oh... suddenly he started doing that babbling talk thing he does when he's nervous. If this is about your Master Pakku as a Ba Sing Se showgirl dream, it's okay. I don't think it's weird. Well it's a little weird, but not as weird as other dreams and all dreams are weird anyway. Oh mygoodness! Did Sokka actually tell him about the dream. I burst out with Wait Sokka told you about that! But because I was dead from embarrassment I didn't stay around for him to answer and just declared that I was going back to bed really quickly and ran away.

-?-

Five minutes later there was a slight tap on my door. Zuko was there. He'd put on a shirt. Boo. He blushed and I blushed and it was a blushing festival. He said we didn't have to talk about dreams or anything like that and I breathed a sigh of relief. I had been half worried that he was going to tease me re:showgirls. He asked me if I was really going back to sleep or if I felt awake enough to see something. I said reluctantly that I was pretty awake.

He stammered Come on, I got something to show you and took my hand and led me though the house. Two rooms down from his bedroom there was a little hidden staircase. How have I never noticed this before. Zuko told me it led up to the very top attic which was just full of old junk. He popped out the window and then climbed out and reached out his arm to help me up. I climbed up and then suddenly we were standing on the roof of the house.

The view was spectacular, even better than the view from my room. The horizon was just that light grey colour that happens just before the sun rises. The clouds were a little pink and it was very pretty. It felt like island was still sleeping. We sat down on the top of the roof together. Zuko said shyly that he wanted to show me the sunrise, because I normally sleep in so much, so he imagined sunrises would be a rarity for me. I got a bit cranky, he was making it sound like I was a lazy bones. I didn't sleep in all the time! Zuko just grinned knowingly at me and I said that if we weren't precariously perched on a roof I would be forced to tickle him. But I scooted closer to him.

Zuko said quietly that he thought the sunrise would help me if I had a bad dream. He finds sunrises help him feel a little better after he's had a bad dream and the roof of the house was the best place to watch them from. We watched the clouds go from pink to orange and I felt a little better. I didn't ask him about his dream again. I'm pretty sure that further inquires on that subject will just be met with more staunch denials. He didn't ask me about my dream either but after a while he asked me if I wanted to talk about it, because I only wake him up when something was really bothering me.

I told him about my ocean spirit/monster dream and how it just destroyed things and I hadn't been able to stop it. Zuko picked at the hem of his shirt and said it was like that in real life too. He'd seen the whole thing and he hadn't been able to do anything. He'd been on one of the balconies with Zhao, they'd been fighting and they'd both turned to see this giant blue thing go past them and into the ocean and start sinking all those ships. They never even stood a chance you know. all those ships, all those people. I saw the whole thing and there was nothing I could do and I couldn't help but think that everyone I knew in the navy was dead, or dying.

We paused for a second and Zuko asked me again if Aang really didn't remember any of that. Aang did not. Zuko said quietly, I wish I could forget too. Aang really scared me that day. He'd scared me too. I never like seeing Aang go into the avatar state. It's almost not Aang in there any more when he does that. I told Zuko about how Aang and I had a chat after the Siege of the North. Aang told me he can't remember much except this incredible feeling of rage and pain and power.

I asked Zuko what had happened to Zhao. Zuko said the ocean spirit ate him yesterday. We knew he had died, his body washed up in one of the canals one morning (this was another thing Sokka and I didn't tell Aang -Pakku sunk the body with his bending and there seemed to be no reason to tell Aang). I had always assumed Zhao had drowned. I didn't even know he and Zuko had fought.

In fact what had happened to Zuko as well. One minute Zuko was tied up in Appa's saddled and the next, he and his uncle had vanished.

Zuko said he'd come to and seen Zhao run away from the spirit oasis. He'd wiggled out of the ropes and followed him. He wanted to fight Zhao because Zhao had tried to kill him again. What? Zuko shrugged and said Zhao had pirates blow up his ship while he was on board nonchalantly. I gaped at him a little. He said Look in the firenation, when someone tries to kill you, you're meant to try and kill them right back abit defensively. He knew he was a better fighter than Zhao and he just wanted to kick his arse again. Again? Zuko said they'd fought an agni kai earlier in the year and Zuko had won... anyway... the ocean spirit had come back from the harbour and had picked Zhao up and Zuko had managed to roll away just in time. The ocean spirit was pulling Zhao under and Zuko thinks drowning is just the worst way to die. He had hated Zhao but he couldn't just stand back while he drowned. Zuko told me he reached out to Zhao to try and help him but Zhao wouldn't take his hand and then he and the ocean spirit had disappeared beneath the canal. He confessed quietly that he hadn't known what to do after that happened. Zhao was the first person he'd seen die, right in front of him. Oh. Zuko thinks he might have been in a bit of shock because he had just stared at the canal for ages until his Uncle came and found him and said they had to get out of there. I put an arm around his shoulder and leaned on him a little.

He said Zhao must have just hated me, to choose drowning over taking my hand really quietly. I held him closer and said it was probably for the best. If he'd grabbed your hand the ocean spirit (not Aang) probably would have just drowned you both and then we wouldn't be able to sit here- watching the sunrise together. And I gestured at the sky with my other arm. Zuko nodded and said we wouldn't be able to make truly dreadful roast trout together either. Or spar I added. I would have never discovered how awesome fireflakes are Zuko countered. I said he never would have tasted the delicious sensation that is stewed seaprunes. Zuko smiled and said a bit cheekily that he could have lived without the stewed seaprunes. Even though we were sitting precariously on the roof, I tickled him slightly in retaliation. We teased each other some more until the sun rose up properly and there was a new day to get getting on with.

As we were climbing back down into the house, I had a quick second to think about what life would be like without Zuko, if he had drowned in the Seige of the North. I can't quiet picture it. Perhaps if he had died then, I never would have had a chance to miss him, but now I just can't imagine my life without him.

-?-

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

frightfully long and rambly authors notes. As per usual.

Lovely wonderful readers! You have reached the end of lest we forgot. I hope you enjoyed it. This chapter took ages to write and I found it very difficult to strike the right tone. It's a bit more serious than some of my other chapters and I don't know. I'm still not 100% happy with it, but I'm 96% happy with it and I didn't want to leave you guys hanging any longer! So I posted!

Huge thank you to all my reviewers! Seriously you guys, I have so much love! I will totally have a small celebration when I reach 500 reviews. There will be dancing and shenanigans! Have actually been thinking I might post some of the collected lists of Zuko after we reach 500, for any loyal reviewer who might be interested in reading them. I've written a couple, but they never seemed to fit in the chapters. I could never find a reason for Katara to 'accidentally find' them or they didn't suit the tone I was going for etc.

So in this chapter I wanted to deal mostly with the various feelings the seige of the north would stir in the Gaang, particularly Zuko. Because I think a lot of firenation people died that night and I think Zuko wouldn't be Zuko if he didn't have feelings on the matter. But I also didn't want this chapter to be bogged down in seriousness, so I added some sillyness. Some lovely anonymous reviewer suggested that Zuko should have a (possibly naughty) dream about Katara that she would overhear. Thank you anonymous reviewer! I liked that idea and used it. Katara also has a vaguely naughty dream about Zuko. Zuko... ahem... rises with the sun. I have many lame puns re:this, which may never make it into this story, unless I wanted to change the rating.

Note: this lovely anonymous reviewer was in fact moonspirityang! *claps* take a bow lovely, your suggestions help me make this fic a little cheekier than it otherwise would have been!

Sokka and Katara and oversharers when it comes to dreams and I wanted him to pull out that silly wang fire beard again. But Sokka latches onto the one thing in Katara's dream that really catches his interest. Food specifically roast trout. Why trout. Dunno. Just like typing trout and also I imagine a whole big arse trout would be quite difficult to cook.

I think everybody would be trying to 'act natural' after the various arguments and jealousy explosions yesterday. There may be small eruptions in the future, but I think for the most part the Gaang try their best to get along and smooth over problems. Zuko gets a bit frustrated with Aang during training today, but the reason for this is an issue for another chapter.

The four older kids go shopping together, because the discussion they have later regarding the seige of the north and what to tell Aang would be one I can see them having and also one they needed to have far away from Aang. Also I think Zuko would be hilariously disgruntled on a shopping trip. In canon Zuko hates shopping, but Sokka loves it and I thought it would be nice for them to shop together. Also Zuko would need to get out of the house, if only for a bit.

Also Sokka and Zuko must be having big arse growth spurts and then occasionally shrinking. Their heights are all over the place during the show. It confuses me. There is some height bending going on I tell you! Anyway for my own sanity, I have stopped thinking on it too much. now I just think that Zuko probably got a whole bunch of new clothes in the palace, but Sokka on the other hand is still wearing his water tribe stuff at the final. Sokka would need a new outfit at some point, Katara too, but this chapter was for Sokka.

Anyway this shopping trip allowed me to have the coincidence fairy visit and Sokka, Suki, Katara and Zuko would inadvertently attend a firenation memorial service. Lest we forget is actually from the australia/new zealand ode to remembrance. Do any other countries recite lest we forget? I'm not sure. Anyway, I thought it would be an appropriate thing to recite, mostly because I can't really imagine a military ceremony without it.

The ceremony is for the Siege of the North, mostly because I think the losses must have been catastrophic and I think there were some issues I wanted to deal with. Ember Island probably contributed more to the navy, being an island. I think the firenation mainland would get more recruits for the army, but the islands in the archipelago would have more navy sailors. I was under the impression that people who were lost at sea were given a bit longer before they were declared legally dead just in case. So I made it a tradition in the fire nation to wait at least two seasons before holding a memorial.

Katara always feels for people on a personal level, and though she knows she did the right thing in the North Pole and was fighting to defend her sister tribe, she would find it hard to stand in that square with all those grieving people. I think to the gaang, before Zuko joined them, saw random fire nation soldiers just like henchman #1,2,3, they were obstacles and opponents rather than people. But by now Katara is seeing them as people too, people who are also suffering from the war, in their own way.

I think Zuko has a large dollop noblesse oblige going on. He does feel responsible for people under his care and I do think, his tantrum-ing in the storm aside, he takes that responsibility quite seriously. Actually even in the storm, he risks his life to save that dude. I think Zuko on his ship did care, he just had no idea how to show it and was doing his angsty emo-nobody-understands-me thing then. I also think Zuko did know their names and probably what they had done to get on his ship. It's only a small ship and they've all been at sea together for two years +. I think to get on Zuko's ship, you had to have screwed up somehow. It was a ship of other shamed sailors.

I think Iroh had a good relationship with the kitchen staff, Cookie and Pi (I'm bad at names alas) and they, in turn, liked him as well. I think Cookie was caught pissing in Zhao's soup and it wasn't the first time either (if Zhao was my boss, I would probably do the same thing.) But because Cookie was quite fond of Iroh, he would refrain from adding unmentionables to the food. Pi was just a bit simple and did engage in that most unusual hobby of being inappropriate with sheep. But they weren't bad guys. I think when Zuko was back at the capitol, he would have tried to find out what happened to most of his old crew. but he doesn't know anything for sure until the memorial ceremony.

I think he would feel a whole mix of feelings upon finding out that two people who he was meant to look after are dead for sure. They were commandeered by Zhao, this is true, and Zuko was really pissed off by that. But in hindsight he knows that none of his crew had a choice in the matter and I think he still would have felt a little responsible for them. When Sokka and Suki and Katara want to keep the firenation losses a secret, it bothers Zuko in a giant way. Many reasons for this. But one would just be the personal loss he feels. He did need to do something to acknowledge their passing and that's what his tipple with Katara is about. He has a lot of love for Katara for helping him toast Pi and Cookie in firenation style. It also gave me a chance to get them a little squiffy together.

I think sweet chilli firewhiskey would be nasty and quite strong. I tried chilli scnhapps the other day and can I just say...never again. Anyway I think neither Katara or Zuko would have a big alcohol tolerance and they have just had the avatar equivalent of a tequila shot, so they drunk cook and experiment and then they get a bit snuggly and share-y on the floor. I think there are somethings Zuko wouldn't be able to fess up to without some liquid courage in him. So he confesses how much he blames himself over certain things (like Zhao and Yue's deaths) and his feelings of failure. Zuko is a wallower, he has a hard time putting things behind him. He is probably really jealous of Aang being able to brush off what happened at the North Pole completely. Zuko would give anything to forget and Aang just doesn't remember and Katara wants to keep it that way. I think want happened at the North Pole would have messed with Zuko's head a little bit and he doesn't know how to feel about it. He did see Zhao and a lot of his countrymen die and I don't think that would be an easy thing for him come to terms with. I think Katara can see how messed up he is about it and tries to reassure and comfort him in her Katara way.

I think Katara also has mixed feelings about the North Pole. She is glad that they won the battle, of course she is, and she doesn't regret defending her sister tribe. But at the same time she is much more against Aang going into the avatar state after the Siege of the North. I think the giant blue Koizilla would have frightened her a little bit as well. Even though she is a water bender, seeing that much ferocious raw power would be humbling and I think a bit scary. That the Koizilla is also her friend Aang would be a difficult thing for her to get her head around, so she just imagines them as two separate entities instead. The ocean spirit AND Aang, rather than just one Koizilla being.

She has a bad dream about it (hey two dreams for Katara in one chap) and decides to go see Zuko again. Though she is still a bit in denial over her feelings, it is becoming her pattern to seek Zuko out when she is feeling out of sorts. I think the two of them do find comfort and reassurance in the other.

Zuko is having a sexy dream about her (and it's not the first one), but he will deny that vehemently until the end of time. That's why he's a bit more embarrassed than usual and wraps a sheet around himself. He does rise with the sun after all. Oh I crack me up! But he can see she's a little bothered by whatever her dream was. Sokka did not actually tell Zuko about Katara's dream, but I realised that the last time they really talked about dreams was when Sokka was teasing her over her Master Pakku as a showgirl dream. That image has stuck with Zuko, so went she says she had a dream, that's the first thing he thinks of. But it is enough to embarrass her and make her run away.

I think Zuko would have calmed himself down and put on a shirt and gone to see her and to see if he could cheer her up. I think Zuko would like sunsets and sunrises. (that scene with Mai where he claims to hate the sunset – I felt like saying you liar, you're all about the sunset). Seriously though, I think watching sunrises would help Zuko shake off a bad dream and he thinks it might help Katara too. So he takes her to the roof and they watch the sunrise and they have a nice chat and a snuggle and all is well! Katara cannot imagine life without Zuko, but she will still have a hard time admitting she fancies him. There is also a tiny firefly reference in there and if you can spot it, well then I will bounce with joy.

Anyway, at the end of the day, I think Zuko takes on too much responsibility and Aang not enough in the series. I actually do think Katara is right about not telling Aang about what happened at the north pole. He would not be able to cope with that at all. But at the same time I just wish Aang would take some responsibility for his actions. He really doesn't think he's ever killed anyone in Sozin's comet and he really really gets up on his high horse about it and is quite rude to his friends who have only ever looked out for what is best for him. I was actually quite surprised when I first watched Sozin's comet regarding Aang's vehemence about this, considering the Siege of the North. The earth kingdom general said the entire fleet is sunk in minutes. Sunk into icy waters. I think most of those sailors aboard died and even though Aang can palm off responsibility on to the ocean spirit and say it was necessary to win the day- to assuage his guilt - he doesn't. He just doesn't acknowledge it at all. So I have come to the conclusion that he just doesn't remember what happened when he merged with the ocean spirit.

Katara always tries her best to protect Aang from the harsher realities of the war. He is so young and happy-go-lucky and innocent and I totally get why she would want to protect him as much as possible. I do think this comes from a place of love and with most young children, it is the best course of action. But Aang is the Avatar, he is not just an ordinary child. He has this huge responsibility which I don't think he properly understands or appreciates. Aang is disconnected from reality sometimes with regards to the war and his duties and responsibilities as Avatar and this always leads to drama!

His Sozin's Comet tantrum I think is living proof that Aang hasn't quite grasped the realities of the war. I think Aang thinks that if he decides beforehand to kill Ozai, it makes whatever he does pre-mediated murder, instead of self defence. This is my fanwank for Aang's motivations. Avatar Yangchen says he has to put the world ahead of his own needs, but in the end he does value his spiritual needs more than his responsibilities to the world. And nobody says anything? Umm...okay.

That Aang actually succeeds in stopping the war without killing Ozai (the biggest war criminal/homicidal maniac) is a miracle (or a deus ex machina, one could demur quietly). But even still, what the hell kind of problem is he leaving for Zuko to clean up. Leaving Ozai, the former leader and symbol of the old regime, alive is a huge mistake and will be a big problem for Zuko for years to come. But Aang happily palms that responsibility off and all is well. Umm okay.

Ooh sorry guys, this is turning rantier than usual. Anyway I think the biggest contrast between Zuko and Aang is their sense of responsibility. Responsibility might be something Aang grows into, he is young yet. Or he might stay a free spirit and have as few responsibilities as possible. Either way, I think the next conflict between Aang and Zuko will be about their differing attitudes to duty.

Til then lovely readers...