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The Inferno

Chapter 3

'Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here'

Riza picked up the pills from the counter and brought the cup of tea over to the coffee table in Roy's living room. She set the tea on the table to cool and placed the post-op pill collection on the table beside it. He gave her a brief smile before returning to his book, not bothering to comment or jest about her having to feed him the drugs like an invalid. She went back to get their plate of dinner from the kitchen.

The outside world believed she was one of the girls that worked at Madam's Christmas's place. Each night she'd slip out the back door of her apartment complex and make her way to the bar to change into a disguise, then take a cab to his apartment. The guys at the office were jealous that the Colonel got to have a real stripper nurse tend to him at night and she assured them that Elizabeth was just watching over him and making him take his meds. Oral jokes ensued, at least they were keeping their spirits up. They thought she was an angel for letting Hayate stay with him to keep him company, everyone knew how much the man liked dogs.

The recovery from surgery had been uneventful. The doctors had readjusted their prognosis and seemed a little more optimistic that Roy might recover use of his hands. She expected him to be excited about that, but he had been preoccupied since he regained mental clarity after the drugs from the operation wore off; he couldn't wait to get home as he was dying to catch up on his reading. So she made sure she listened along with him as Dr. Dresden explained the prescriptions, care and expectations following surgery. She'd have to relay that information to Elizabeth, his night nurse.

That was two days ago and he didn't take his nose out of that book for longer than an hour or two. It wouldn't be strange if it was an alchemy text, but instead it was an old Aerugian classic The Inferno. Considering his mental state, she had been worried he picked a work about a man's travels through hell, navigating through the circles housing the condemned sinners. One more reason to feel uneasy about his abnormal behavior. She carried the plate of chicken and noodles back over to the table and sat down. She brushed the hair from his face as he sat on the couch with Hayate on his lap and a book lying on the dog. "Hungry?"

He huffed, the notion of having to be fed like a child was humiliating. No matter who was doing it. "I'm useless. I can't even eat on my own."

"You have to take your medication with food, doctor's orders." She reminded him.

He saw her look of guilt. Where was the reassuring man he had been before his surgery? Why couldn't he muster the words 'It will be fine' from his mouth now? "Sorry, I appreciate all you're doing for me."

Riza nodded. She wasn't sure if she was worried for no reason. He seemed distant, but Roy was a rather moody individual. It wasn't surprising he was depressed right now or even irritable. He was having a hard time coping with this and she only could be with him at night, with their Colonel on the sidelines it was imperative that she go back to work. She speared a piece of chicken with her fork and turned to look at his less than enthusiastic face as he opened his mouth and pulled the meat off with his teeth.

Dinner lasted for about ten minutes, which was longer than she thought it would take for him to get angry about his feeding time. She gave him an understanding nod when he shook his head that he had had enough and then reached for the pills. She surprised him by kissing him before moving on to his medication. "You'd tell me if something was wrong, right?"

"Just in a lot of pain." He gave her a weak smile and looked at the handful of pills she had ready for him. For a man who had no problems trying to kill his liver with alcohol, he was inherently suspicious of narcotics. He had drank himself into a stupor a few times, blacking out and waking up on Hughes's couch with no recollection of the previous night. That scared him. It was more than just a matter of not knowing where he was but exactly what he did. He knew what he was capable of and without the mental power to restrain himself he worried that one day he'd go too far. He knew he would be in agony if he didn't accept the pills in her hand and opened his mouth once more to let her gently place them on his tongue for him.

She watched him swallow, then held the teacup to his lips and watched the liquid drain out of the cup rather quickly. "Do you want something else to drink?"

"Yeah, but they said that's not allowed."

She frowned and cuddled up next to him. Hayate's paws stretched out to touch her leg and he put his adorable little head back down to resume his nap. "Why are you so obsessed with this book now?"

"I don't know." It was something he wasn't used to saying. He always had an answer, it was who he was. He was confident, a leader, a commander; you never admitted your uncertainty because everyone counted on you to know what to do. However this was Riza, he could be weak with her. She never doubted him, not even when he doubted himself.

"Read me something from it." She requested. It was nagging at her, why was he obsessed with a book based on the foundations of a religion he didn't believe in. She watched him flip through the pages and land on one that made him smile.

"Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate " He read. "Maybe I'll have that made into a sign for the office."

She knew he was reading it in the original language and thus taking his time to translate and digest the poem. His brilliant mind, able to master languages with ease, just like he did with everything else. She, however, didn't speak the language even though she enjoyed the sound of it rolling of his tongue. "It depends on what it means."

"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." He said and Hayate whined as soon as he finished. He looked up and saw Riza's eyes and then closed the book. "Just a joke. Nobody will know what it means."

"It's hardly a joke." She couldn't believe how he could have taken a turn for the worse. "Roy, talk to me. What's going on with you?"

"Just a realization that hit me after I woke up. That this..." He raised his hands. "Is all my doing. My hell for misleading everyone."

"Misleading us?"

"Everyone is supporting me because I've convinced you all that I'm the man who is going to change the country." He looked at the book, it's title glistening on the front of it in gold letters. Gold...another taboo. "Inferno. What an appropriate name for hell for me. I'm no less flawed than the people I aim to overthrow. Who am I to judge them?"

She couldn't believe he was sitting here saying this. Roy struggled with his demons, but not to the point where he was willing to surrender to them and forgo his penance. He didn't believe himself a good man, but he believed that his ideals were. Those dreams needed to be brought to fruition before they accepted the judgement that they knew would be waiting for them. This was too soon, this was not him.

"Pride...thinking I was above everyone, above the sins that make us human." Roy said and ran his finger over the edges of the book. "Greed and envy, go hand in hand with my rise to the top and sloth for not even doing the job I already have. Wanting everything under my control, needing a moniker and watch to be better than the average alchemist. A glutton for booze. Wrath, well you've seen that first hand...my rage, probably takes a very close second to my arrogance. Then there is lust...for you."

That one stung. "Is that all it is? Lust?"

"I love you but I can't, or won't, allow us to be together. Instead we lie, deceive and live like this...in sin. We deny our relationship, we lie to our friends, we break the rules." He added softly. "We know it's wrong, but indulge anyway. Just like my alchemy...I knew it was wrong and yet that power...the bloodlust when I want to use it to destroy someone who threatens my world...a double edged sword that one. I fantasize about what I'll do to Hughes's killer, using these hands."

She was speechless. She was used to hearing interesting statements flow from his mouth when he got thoughtful, but nothing like this. No one that would hurt her like this. He wasn't himself. "Do you remember anything from your surgery? What is going on with you?"

"I've always hated myself, I just never allowed my mind to really digest why. Here is is though, all in one simple book." He sighed. "Pride, my downfall. It lands me in the coldest pit of hell with the betrayers. The circle for treachery. How, fitting. I took a vow to protect my country and serve it's leader, yet I killed our own citizens and now I plot against the Fuhrer. I could have just stopped you know, stopped killing them. Why didn't I? Instead I did the job and now I look to blame someone else for my actions. Like Kimblee said, I put on this uniform and at no point was it not clear what was expected of me. Nobody forced me to become a State Alchemist, my damned pride wouldn't allow me to be just a normal soldier. I wanted that title, that watch, that fame. I wanted it and nobody but me is at fault for that."

"Roy..." She gripped his arm and bit her lip. He was genuinely scaring her as he stared across his living room at the flickering fire in the fireplace. This was not him. He could never avoid looking her in the eye this long. Shame was one thing, but these were statements of conviction. He would look her in the eye if he really believed it. Instead he stared into the fire, lost or maybe envisioning his fate. "Tell me what you remember from your operation. I've known you for half your life and this has never been something we have talked about. Roy, what do you remember?"

"I remember being cold during surgery, I don't remember much else. A cool air circling me, a deep sense of fear." He tapped the book with his pinkie. "It's why I had to read this again. The greatest sin, is Pride. It's what cast an angel from heaven and into the ice at the coldest darkest pit of hell. The furthest from God's love. The cool air, I was frozen there without so much as a voice or ability to move. I've never been so terrified in my life. It's a glimpse of my future...my eternity "

"You need some rest." She tried to take the book from him and instead he flipped open to the front where he had made some notes. "Come to bed. Please."

"King Soloman's work, a much older text, seems to be a little more definitive on my opinion of myself. Funny that I wrote it in here originally because I attributed it to Bradley." He ran his finger down the list written on the inside of the book. " A proud look, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plots, feet that are swift to run into mischief, a deceitful witness that uttereth lies, him that soweth discord among brethren."

"Please stop." She begged and he remained distant, simply talking out his own self-condemning sentence.

"I bought this after Ishval. I read it and saw a story of a man's travels through hell. An author who places his political rivals where they belong. I saw the sins and looked at my contemporaries and judged them. At the time, I was only starting on my journey I thought I was coming out of hell not plotting my course to it. However now I can look back and see how wrong I was. I close my eyes and..." He swallowed hard. "I see Hughes. He's my guide, pointing out my failings and escorting me to my final resting place among the backstabbers. I don't want to sleep, not when I know what's waiting for me in the darkness. He's there, waiting for me and I can't face him."

"Then I'll stay up with you." She said and wrapped her arms around him, letting her tears fall into his shoulder and closing her eyes as he opened his book again.

"Why? With what I just told you you should be reconsidering everything."

"I told you I would follow you...even into Hell." She sat up and put her hand on his chin, forcing him to look into her eyes as tears began to fill the edges. "I'll drag you back out of it if I have to."