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deeper scars.
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I was feeling really sick after hearing the General's story. Sick to my stomach. I went to the bathroom just in case I needed to vomit, because I certainly felt like it. I didn't in the end, but it was a close thing. I splashed my face with water and washed off all the make up and took my hair out (it was looking a fright after my impromptu swim in the pond fetching Kuzon out). I took a deep breath and steadied myself for a second and went out to find Suki and Sokka to tell them I was going to head home.
Found Suki first on the lawns. She was now teaching a frightfully large group of drunk teenage girls the fan dance (there was much unco-ordination and whacking each other in the face on the part of the girls). Rei and Long tongue were playing with one of the lanterns (apparently Long Tongue had climbed the tree to get it down). Horrifyingly and surprisingly, Chan and Rena were drunkenly making out in the gardenia bushes. He kept trying to grab her arse and she kept swatting his hand away, but other than that, they were joined at the face. Sokka was deep in conversation with Ron Jian's dad and some other military looking people. He was regaling them all with some (most likely made up) story that had them all laughing. Much wine had been consumed by everyone and there was a lot of masculine and hearty back-slapping.
I figured it would be easier to have a quick word with Sokka, who could be easily led away from conversation, than Suki, who was surrounded by drunken dancers. I went and tapped him on the shoulder and told him I was going home. He excused himself from the conversation and said he'd be back in a few minutes and led me a little bit away. Sokka was finding out some really interesting stuff and he had those guys eating out of his hand (Sokka's words, not mine) and he wasn't quite ready to go. I said he didn't need too, but I was feeling tired and wanting to head off and I just wanted him to know, so that he didn't worry. He said I shouldn't go off on my own and should wait for him and Suki. We both glanced over at Suki who was encouraging the drum player in the band to 'pick up the pace!' I said it looked like Suki wanted to stay a bit longer too and he and Suki could walk home together, and I'd be fine on my own, I was a master bender and everything. Sokka reluctantly agreed and said he'd see me at home. I told him to tell Rena and Rei I said bye (they were both otherwise engaged at this point) and I turned and walked off and waved at Suki on my way out.
I was going home.
-?-
I don't even remember the walk back, it passed really quickly. I took my shoes off at one point because it is easier to walk with bare feet than it is in strappy sandals with heels. Before I knew it, I was back at the beach house. I came in through the front door and walked through the living room and there I found Zuko. Zuko was sprawled out on the couch, reading what looked to be Avatar Kyoshi's autobiography. He looked up in surprise to see me home so early and on my own. He got up really quickly and came over and said hey you're back early a bit happily and then added Have you been for a swim? And he pulled a big bit of pond weed out of my hair. Oops, I missed that bit. I told him about jumping into the pond to save the baby. He smiled a little to himself and then said only you save babies at parties under his breath. Then he said that if I wanted one, he's make me up some tea to warm me up after my daring rescue.
I followed him into the kitchen. He asked me where Sokka and Suki were and I said they were still at the party, and they hadn't been ready to go, but I'd wanted to come home (to see him, to talk to him). He was acting just so normal. There was a conversation that I wanted to have with him but I didn't even know how to start it and it felt like it would be even harder to start it when he was just being so normal.
He was chatting as he set up the tea stuff. Telling me about their night here. Aang and Toph were both in bed, but he'd been waiting for all of us to get back, but he'd made sure that Aang and Toph had eaten all their veggies and brushed their teeth and...at this point he turned around and looked at me. Then he looked closer and put down the kettle and stopped what he was doing. He walked over to me and touched my shoulders lightly and said Hey, what's wrong?
What's wrong? Where to start? How could he just stand there, making tea and pretending that everything was fine when his dad... What's wrong is that his dad is a nutbag who really hurt him and he's never even spoken about it and that can't be good for a person. I just wanted to hold him and comfort him and feed him fireflakes and jasmine tea (because those are his two favourite things) and make him feel better. But it's hard to comfort a person when they're being all normal and not upset.
I stepped forward and wrapped him up in a big hug and buried my face in his chest, just like I had wanted to do since I had first heard about what had happened. He seemed a bit surprised, but his arms came around my shoulders straight away and he held me closer and started rubbing big soothing circles on my bare back and saying things like ssshhh it's okay. But it's not okay, not really. How could his dad have done something like that to him. How could he just keep going after something like that. Why didn't he ever tell me? There was only one way into the conversation and that was to just directly start it. So I did. I know...how you got your scar I said quietly
His reaction was instantaneous. He dropped his arms and stepped away so quickly. He practically recoiled from me. I had hoped that he would let me make it all better for him. But he was looking at me with a panicked and hurt gaze and kept backing away from me. How do you even know? He breathed quietly with a shocked look on his face. I explained that it had just come up in conversation and it was an accident, and I hadn't been prying, but they were talking about how terrible his dad's reign was and how they couldn't trust a man who couldn't even love his own kids and it just came up. And ever since I had found out, I'd wanted to come back here and talk to him about it.
I could almost pinpoint the moment he ran away from this conversation that we had to have in his eyes. His expression changed and he just looked so lost and sad and upset and scared. This was going to be so much harder than I thought. He back up into the kitchen wall and bumped the spice rack. He ran his hands through his hair and then crossed him arms gruffly in front on his body and looked at the floor and said I don't want to talk about this. I walked over to him and I tried to hug him over his crossed arms, but he stepped away again and said with real feeling, what the hell do you think you're doing. There was fear and indignation and anger all there in his eyes.
That hurt a little. Zuko's never rejected my touch before. I said I just thought he needed a hug and he scoffed a little and tried to act like he wasn't hurting and it didn't matter and he didn't need a hug. Always trying to pretend he doesn't need people. Katara, I'm fine! he said repressively and a little desperately. He always does this. Whenever he's upset, he pretends to be fine and goes somewhere and mopes until he can bottle all these hurt feelings up and pretend he doesn't feel them any more. I know he does that because I do it to. But I know it's not good for you. I always feel better when I've put my feelings out there. But he never puts his feelings out there and it is very frustrating. I said I don't think your fine at all, I think your just pretending to be fine. There was a huge silence that was suddenly broken by the kettle boiling and making a shrieking noise.
Zuko made no move towards it. Normally he can put out the fire in a second with his bending, but instead we were both just starring at each other. It was like a staring competition but not. Honestly, I don't know how long we stood like that for. Starring into eachother's eyes while the kettle whistled. There was the saddest look in his gold eyes. Honestly, I think I nearly forgot to breathe.
Then the kettle started bubbling over and I was the one to break eye contact first. I went over a got a oven mit and took the kettle off the hob and in the two seconds my back was turned, Zuko made his get away, like the sneaky guy he is. He is so stealthy and sneaky and quick! I couldn't call out to him, because that would mean waking the others. But I followed him. I'm sneaky and quick too.
He was upset. I knew it. He didn't want me to see him vulnerable. He never wants anyone to see him vulnerable. He was going to be pissed off when I found him. Pissed off that I had brought the whole thing up. He was going to push me away. He was doing it already, he'd probably been doing it for longer than he remembered and it was just habit with him. He gets all angry and acts all spiky and scary so that it was too hard for anybody to get close, or maybe nobody even bothered to get close at all.
Some instinct told me not to give up. Not to let him push me away this time. He could be mad as all hell if that helped him, but he wasn't going to get rid of me this easily tonight. He needed me. He just couldn't say it. But I know when someone needs me. He needed to talk about what happened, even if getting him to open up about this was going to be like pulling teeth. Besides, I had some things I wanted to say to him and by all the spirits he was going to hear me!
He was on the beach, striding away with big angry strides, almost running, really. I ran to catch up and then he took off for real. I called after to him to wait but he just picked up the pace. Well! This was just getting ridiculous. Was he really going to make me chase him? Well boo to that, we were on a beach! There was plenty on my element around and I used it. Just a little waterbending to trip him up, so I could catch him.
He swore and fell and I caught up. He got up and looked at me grumpily. I expected that. He dusted himself off and said that I probably wanted to have a big stupid talk about...everything, but he didn't want to. I said I didn't want to have a big stupid talk, I just wanted to help and then he got huffy and crossed his arms again and said well I don't need any help very gruffly. He never wants to ask for help. I must have made a skeptical face because he got really cross and indignant and said he was bloody well fine again. I said that he wasn't fine and I could tell, because I knew him, but that was okay and he didn't have to be fine.
He took a few steps backwards again and said You think you know me so well Katara, but you don't! You just think you do. If you knew me, you'd know I don't talk about this stuff. Ever. He turned and walked away from me, not in any particular direction. I followed after him saying, a bit stroppily (because he'd hurt my feelings saying I didn't know him, because I do) that I would know him better if he would just talk to me. He just bottles all his feelings up and it is most frustrating. Would it really kill you to just express how you really feel instead of just bottling it all up for once. That got a reaction. He stopped and turned around and said For once! I tell you everything! with a great deal of raw feeling. I tell you more than I've ever told anybody and would it really kill you to not butt your nose in for once! Just let it drop okay! He was really hurting. I was beginning to think I'd opened bigger stitches than I could handle, than he could handle.
There was a moment of silence and I started thinking that this wasn't going how I planned. We were meant to have a big emotional confessional talk, like we did earlier when we went to see the southern raiders. I was meant to be nurturing-comforting-Katara – I was going to show him how well I could do that. I was going to take care of him and make it all better for him, but he wasn't letting me. He was pushing me away, when all I wanted was to be there for him. And now I was indignant-shouting-on-a-beach-Katara, which is the polar opposite of nurturing-and-comforting-Katara. I needed a deep breath and to calm down.
Zuko seemed to be trying to calm himself down as well because he gave three big sighs and crossed his arms again and said What do you even want from me? And he looked at me and his eyes were wet and his expression was so hurt that it took my breath away again.
There is something truly horrible about watching someone you care about in so much pain and not being able to help them. I would do anything to help him. Fight an army or swim to the bottom of the ocean or anything. I could be whatever he needed. I could be so good for him. I could be so good to him. I just wanted to hold him and love him and protect him from all the world. I wanted to make sure nobody ever hurt him again. I could do all that for him. I'd be whatever he needed me to be, if he would just let me take care of him. If only he would let me.
But I couldn't stop him from feeling this way and I couldn't make it better for him magically. What had happened years ago still hurt him on the inside and I couldn't protect him from that. The deep scars, the ones I really had to worry about, weren't on his face, but buried so deep inside, in a place where I couldn't just put some water there and heal it. I just wanted to hold him and instantly make it all better and I couldn't. But that didn't mean I couldn't at least try.
I said what I honestly wanted. I just wanted him to listen to me and not run away and I thought he needed to talk about what happened and bottling everything up wasn't the answer. I bottled up all my feelings over my mother for the longest time and it only hurt me on the inside. I felt better since we went to the southern raiders, because I opened that bottle and it didn't kill me and I just feel lighter and better and I wanted him to feel lighter and better about what happened and he could talk to me and I'd listen and try to understand. I got closer as I was speaking until I was standing straight in front of him again and I was getting up in his personal space. I thought about trying to hug him again, but considering how he reacted the last time, I reconsidered and took a step back.
Zuko listened and crossed his arms and said he couldn't talk to anyone, especially me. That hurt my feelings a little bit again, and I said what? with some surprise. I don't want you to act weird around me. Zuko said more placatingly, instead of angrily. (I may have made a very cross face in response to his previous statement). I said that I wouldn't. Promised I wouldn't, but he said people always did. As soon as someone finds out, they start looking at him all pityingly and he hates that and now I was looking at him pityingly and that was worse and he didn't need my pity. And I don't want you to... think I'm weak or anything he finished, his tone soft and sad and quiet. Bugger giving him space. I took his hand and told him I'd never think that of him, because he was one of the strongest people I know.
It's true. But he's strong in a different way to how I originally thought. He isn't strong because he can spar with the best of them or climb cliffs or anything like that. He is strong because he's been through so much. Because he's been living with what happened everyday and never complaining. It was a different sort of strength. But still he didn't believe me. He dropped his hand and turned around and started walking away from me again and said You don't need to patronise me over his shoulder.
And I was chasing after him again.
I followed and said that I wasn't patronising him and if he thought what happened made him weak somehow and that was the stupidest thing I have ever heard and it was a horrible horrible thing that happened and it wasn't his fault at all and his dad is just the worst father in the history of fathers. I ran out of words and just ended up saying with real feeling Ozai is just... he's just damaged on the inside okay. He's damaged goods. He stopped and turned around and looked at me in the eye and the was a big pause before he drew into himself a little and looked at the sand and said So am I. So softly, like a quiet confession.
Oh.
How could he even think that about himself. He's not damaged goods, he's my wonderful, brave Zuko and how can he not see that? I was speechless for a few seconds and we just stood starring at each other on the beach, while the waves broke the silence gently. I went over, close enough to be all up in his personal space, but I didn't try to hug him again, he'd have to reach for me first, but I placed my hand on his arm and said in the same whispered tone he'd used You're not damaged, your wounded, but your not damaged. This scar doesn't make you damaged. Just because you've been hurt, doesn't make you weak. It makes you strong.
His face just crumpled then, and he made the smallest gesture towards me. That was all the encouragement I needed. I wrapped him up in a big hug and locked my arms around him. He wasn't getting away this time. It took a couple of seconds, but eventually his arms came around me again and he leaned on me. I was rubbing big circles on his back and holding him close and breathing in his Zuko smell and he was holding me so tight, like he was drowning. His hands were really warm on my bare back. He wasn't really crying, but I think he was blinking back tears. He was shaking a little. He whispered in my ear I can't do this okay. I don't know what you want me to say but I just can't. And I sssshhhhed him and rubbed his back and said I was sorry. I was so sorry. (and I was sorry. about his scar, about his dad, about everything, about tonight).
This isn't about me and I've been making it about me. All along it should've been about Zuko and what he needed and maybe he didn't need to talk about it and get it off his chest yet. Not if he wasn't ready. Not if he didn't want to. But I had pushed the issue. I wanted to do this and talk about this and open all these old wounds and he didn't want that at all and I forced the situation anyway. If he wasn't ready... then fine, I shouldn't have pushed. Sokka says that I push and I push and push at things and I always butt my nose in where it doesn't belong and I never leave well enough alone and maybe I should have this time. We were still holding each other and a veritable babble of apologise burst forth from me. And I just started repeating over and over I'm sorry, I'm so sorry okay. I pushed you and I shouldn't have and I'm sorry okay. We don't have to talk if you don't want to, but if you do want to, I'm always here to listen. And I'm sorry (lather, rinse, repeat)
We were quiet for a while and then I asked if there was anything I could for him now and he said the only thing he wanted was for me to drop it and not act weird around him. I said I wouldn't act weird, but he said I already was acting weird and people always act weird. Apparently his uncle had told everyone on the ship (without his permission!) and afterwards they had all been super-nice to him and it was infuriating. I smiled and tried to lighten the mood and said that he was a little weird, if he found people being nice to him infuriating. He said that kind of nice was a weird nice, and he only hated weird nice. And now I was being weird nice and he just wanted me to treat him the same way I always had. I arched an eyebrow and said If you want me to treat you the same as ever, I could go get the common sense stick and chase you around trying to hit you with it. We were still hugging and I looked up and smiled at him and he looked down and me and he gave me the slightest, almost imperceptible smile in return and said No, I'm good.
Our faces were so close. I could've kissed him then, but that wasn't what he needed from me now. Wasn't what he wanted from me now. He wanted me to treat him just the same. If I kissed him now, he would probably just think I was being weird nice and it was a pity kiss or something and then I really would have to hit him with the commonsense stick.
No the best thing to do now would be to treat him the same as I always have. But it was getting harder to treat him the same as always and not for the reason he thought. but because everyday I found something new to love about him, and that makes it hard to act with indifference. No, not indifference, I've never been indifferent about Zuko. It makes it hard for me to treat him is casual friendship when all I really want to do is just...well... very inappropriate right now.
But treating him the same was what he wanted. If that's what he needed, then fine. I'd try and act like everything is normal, but with one stipulation. He's not allowed to get huffy if I'm nice to him because that is just ridiculous, especially now when all I want to do is be nice to him (And hold him and hug him and kiss him and make him laugh).
I broke our hug and sat down on the sand and patted the spot next to me and after a beat he sat down too. I didn't look at him, but I said I'll try and not treat you any different, but don't you dare get huffy if I'm nicer to you than normal. Zuko shot me a rather perplexed look and I turned to face him and said firmly If I'm a little nicer to you it's because I want to be and for no other reason, it's not because I pity you or think any less of you, but because you're my best friend and I don't like to see you hurting and I want to make you feel better and I'm allowed to feel that way.
There was a pause and Zuko looked out at the ocean and smiled a little and said okay. I was a bit flabbergasted. That was too easy. This whole conversation had been so difficult, I wasn't expecting just a casual okay. So I said Okay... just like that? with some surprise. Zuko turned to me an said (a little cheekily) Well you're back to bossing me around and that's an improvement on trying to sneak attack hug me. I gave him a light swat on his shoulder in response and we were quiet for a bit.
Zuko coughed and cleared his throat after a while and said I'm your...I mean... am I really your best friend? Didn't he know by now? Hadn't he noticed? I just said Yes, you idiot. I mean it's so obvious. Zuko smiled a little awkwardly this time and said ohh well, umm, you'd definitely be my best friend too, but you see the thing is... Sokka's already asked me to be his best friend and I said yes. And I mean...I'm already best friends with him, so...What was this? What the hell? Was he dumping my offer of best-friendship in favour of my brother? Just because Sokka had gotten in first? Okay I know Zuko is really new to this whole having friends thing, but really now! I explained to him that he could have more than one best friend. Suki was my best girl friend, but he was my best guy friend. So Sokka could be his guy friend and I'd be his girlfriend. Simple as that.
It took a second before I realised exactly what I said (I'll be your girlfriend).
Damn you subconscious slip!
Damn you!
I started backtracking fast -I mean your friend who is a girl, not your girlfriend.... Okay, I really really want to be the latter, but now I'll settle for the former, but I don't want him to know that. Unless he wants me to be the latter, and then I do want him to know that. But I don't know if he does and I can't be the first person to put the G-word out there and it 's all too embarrassing. Then just to ruin the moment completely and because my mouth obviously hates me and just says things before my brain has time to catch up, I added me -your girlfriend, that's ridiculous. And made a little scoffing noise. Why mouth? Why did you say this? Why?
This is what I mean about water tribe people not being smooth at all. Blah just comes out!
Zuko was looking baffled in the face of my blah. But he said after a few seconds weeelll, you're definitely my best friend who is a girl then. And he smiled at me a little shyly and I smiled back and said back atcha (why? Oh why? I have never previously used the phrase back atcha in my life!) and then I had to say, no I mean you're my best friend who is a guy! That was what I meant to say. And then we just awkward-ed at each other. Why is everything with Zuko so awkward! To break the awkward I said Okay, glad we got that cleared up, in a very business-like tone. We sat in silence for a couple of minutes and then Zuko turned to me and said Should we hug? a little uncertainly. This after he's been running and recoiling from my touch all evening!
Yes we should definitely hug.
It was an awkward hug because we were sitting next to each other and had to twist our bodies to be able to hug properly, but it was still a good hug. A long hug. A nice hug. See, I knew he needed a hug. Maybe even several hugs . Many many hugs. And I am happy to give them to him. I whispered quietly in his ear, like it was a secret I know you don't want to talk now, but if you ever do...I'm here okay. I'm always going to be here for you. I felt him nod and he held me a little tighter and I knew he heard me, really heard me and I decided that would be all I'd say about it. I'd let the matter drop. I won't say any more about it, not if he doesn't want me too. Not unless he brings it up.
He asked me quietly not to tell the others and I promised him I wouldn't. He gave me a very sceptical and mistrustful look and made me promise again and I did, but I also said with some sarcasm What do you want me to do? Spit shake on it? He looked a bit confused and asked me what a spit shake was and I explained the basic principles to him and said that we had to do one now, because he was sixteen and that was way too old to have never done a spit shake. Zuko looked a bit uncertain and said it sounded really gross and it seemed like a very undignified way to agree to keep a secret. Why not just shake hands? I told him the spit was liquid trust. Zuko said he didn't think spit had magical trust inducing properties. I told him to just give me his hand already and he complied (reluctantly) and said you're so bossy (somewhat affectionately).
I took his big hand in mine and we did Zuko's first ever spit shake together. It will always be memorable for the noise Zuko made when I spat on his palm (leeurgh?). He was grossed out and baffled by the whole thing and kept saying I still can't believe you spat on my hand. That is really nasty under his breath, while he wiped his hand on my dress. Oi Zuko! I wiped my hand on his shirt and said he should look on the bright side, at least now he knew for sure I wouldn't tell anyone. He said he'd known that before the spit shake anyway. A spit shake wasn't really necessary, he was right about that. I'd never tell his secrets and he'd never tell mine, that's just what we do. But I was trying to cheer him up as best I could. And spit shakes had definitely surprised him out of his sad-panda-funk.
I wanted to get us back to our normal, light hearted teasing banter and so I changed topics and said a little teasingly. I can't believe, if you had to choose between us, you'd pick Sokka as your bestie. And nudged him a little with my shoulder. Zuko shrugged and said Well he asked first as if it was the simplest thing ever. I got a bit stroppy and said Is that the only reason? Just because he asked first? Zuko said it was and it would be rude to demote him to just regular friend now. I said that was a ridiculous system. I would make a much better best friend after all. I would never steal his fireflakes. Zuko fired back that I used to steal his fireflakes all the time. That is irrelevant. That is in the past and also, I didn't steal the fireflakes to eat them, so he always got them back. He smiled and said he was under the impression that I stole them purely to annoy him. This is true, but what else are friends for.
As we sat there, I half remembered conversation we'd had last time it was just the two of us on a beach. Lu Ten used to play the shape game with me every time I felt sad and it always cheered me up. I turned to him and gave him a cheeky smile and said Pick a shape. He was a bit confused but then gave me an slight grin that turned into a bigger understanding smile. He picked a circle at first. Too easy. I could do that in my sleep. I picked a really hard one -a platypusbear- and he retaliated with -just a bear- and the shape game was on. We ended up flopping backwards and just lying on the sand together and tracing shapes and patterns and daring each other to make even more elaborate shapes and patterns. After we got sick on making shapes, I made my little water dragon and he made a little fire dragon again and we made our dragons chase each other around. I let Zuko win and catch my water dragon and they collided with a puff of steam and a lots of droplets of water fell on us. But Zuko was smiling again and that was all that mattered to me, right then.
He rolled over to face me and said thank you Katara, really quietly. I hadn't really done anything except upset him and then chase him and then try to make it better so I said For what. He looked away for a second before he looked back at me and said For being here softly. I smiled at him and because I can't help myself, I gave his hair a little ruffle, and said Always. And I really meant it. I'll always be there for him if he needs me.
It's not even a question for me now.
-?-
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Authors notes: exceptionally long, rambly, apologetic and explanatory.
Lovely wonderful readers! You have reached the end of deeper scars! Congratulations. And don't be too mad at me! I know some of you were hoping for a more dramatic exchange of bodily fluids and for Katara to kiss it all better, but I have gone a different way and I hope you don't mind too much.
Naturally YMMV on everything!
So in this chapter, Katara and Zuko have a conversation about his scar by deciding not have a conversation about his scar. I honestly don't think Zuko is ready to unpack that particular suitcase of emotional baggage just yet. It's pretty traumatic what happened to him and for the first two seasons and a bit he is still trying to get Ozai's love and respect, which, to me, means he is still in denial a bit about what happened and hasn't even started to process it and what it means, for him, his father and their relationship.
I think his speech to his dad in Day of Black Sun would have been exceptionally cathartic and it was one of my favourite moments in the series. But even with a big cathartic speech, I don't think Zuko would be able to then instantly get over his daddy issues and scar issues. (not even getting into all his other issues). I think at this point in the series, he would be just focusing on winning the war and helping the Gaang survive and training Aang. I don't think he'd try to wallow in thinking about his scar, mostly because I believe thinking about it would take him to a dark place and he's trying to be better and lighter person with the Gaang. But all those feelings are still there. Zuko is a bottler, so I think he's just repressed those feelings and is trying to ignore them. He hasn't even begun to try and make peace with what happened in my opinion. It is still a giant major sore spot for him. He is not ready for, nor is he expecting a barrage of Katara comfort in this chapter.
The lovely Erichthonius said that when someone she loves is hurt all she wants to do is smother them in love. Me too lovely, so high five for loving smothering! I think Katara also belongs to this school of thought. She leaves the party very quickly after hearing the General's story because she is in a hurry to get her loving smother on! Zuko is going to be comforted whether he wants it or not.
Something that I noticed in the series, which I feel didn't get adequately resolved is Katara's hero complex and how it will affect her in later life. Katara wants to save everyone, and instantly make things better and that is not always going to be possible. She acts with such good intentions, but she does what she thinks is best for the person/problem/situation, not what the person/problem/situation requires and I think if she didn't learn to at least objectively look at her heroic impulses, it would eventually lead her to strife. The only time this gets vaguely touched on, in my opinion, is in the painted lady episode where a few of the villagers get a bit cranky that she's been playing them for fools. But that all shakes out okay for her.
Anyway, my point is that Katara has a massive hero complex, or should I say heroine complex? Anyway. she is always going to want to save people and make everything all better for people, but ultimately there are some things she can't just fix. And Zuko doesn't need her to want to fix him, because in the end he will have to fix himself. Katara pushes for the conversation that she thinks they have to have at the start because she is horrified by what happened to him and just wants to make it all better. Because Katara feels better when she lets all those feelings out and has a big emotional conversation about it, she assumes Zuko will too.(Katara is general is more open about her feelings and more at ease expressing them). But she is putting her need to be his hero and make it all better ahead of what he is actually telling her (both verbally and physcially). He's not ready for this conversation and he doesn't want to have it. If she wants to help him, she is going to have to learn to put what he needs ahead of her own desire to be the hero for him.
I do think that he needs to talk it out/make peace with what happened, but not necessarily now. Katara is right in that bottling is bad in the long run, but it's worked pretty good for Zuko so far. Katara's love and support will help him deal with it. The Gaang's love and support will help him deal with it. These things are good blessings for Zuko, but ultimately he will have to heal himself. He has to stop putting on a brave face and pushing the pain away to begin the healing process and that is going to be immensely hard for him (also note: he does not have to forgive Ozai to begin the healing process, but he does have to forgive himself for what he perceives as his failure.) eventually I hope Zuko will find a place within himself where he can make peace with what happened. A lot of bad shit has happened to Zuko and Katara can't magically handwave all that away, no matter how much she wants to. There is no magical fix to these big, messy, painful things. I think that Katara learning to put her hero complex aside (but not her love and affection) for Zuko's needs would be a crucial step in their relationship, because in the future, many of Zuko problems are not going to be the sort of problems she can waterbend away.
So I don't think they can have one big emotional conversation and suddenly it's all better. Just like the southern raiders didn't make Katara feel all better about what happened to her mother. What that episode did was allow her to confront her demons and start to make peace it it. She starts the healing process in that episode, but she doesn't complete it, because the healing process takes time.
Zuko's default reaction to most difficult situations is to push people away and he is usually very successful in this endeavour. As soon as Katara brings up the scar and what happened to him, he tries to push her away to the best of his ability. But I don't think he would ever go as far as shouting at her to puck off or anything dramatic like that. He still adores her and is trying not to lash out directly at her, but at the same time, he really wants to get away from her and this conversation she's forcing and a little lashing out happens.
I think Zuko would not welcome Katara's attempts to open all these old wounds for a few reasons. One is it takes him back to one of the worst days in his life at a time where he felt vulnerable and weak and exposed. Zuko very much tries to project the image of someone confident and strong and capable. How Zuko tries to projects himself is indicative of how he wants other people to see him. He never asks for help because he sees asking for help as a weakness. He wants to prove to the world that he is strong and can make it on his own etc. He wants Katara to think the best of him and so of course he wants her to think he is strong. He'd never want to show so much weakness, and hurt and vulnerability around her, but it all just overflows.
In the storm, Iroh tells the crew how Zuko got his scar, and I was left with the impression that Zuko didn't know he was doing this and I think that when Zuko found out that Iroh did this, he would be most displeased about it. I would bet a million bucks that after hearing that story, and Zuko's shenanigans saving the helmsman, the crew would have been super-nice to him for a couple of days. This nice-ness coming right after he nearly came to trading blows with Jee, would have made Zuko go WTF is this? When/if Iroh told him about letting the crew know about how he got his scar, I bet Zuko would have then had a Zuko-tantrum about Iroh going behind his back etc. he hates people pitying him, hates been seen as weak and would then resent how nice everyone was being to him because he would think that they were just being nice because they felt sorry for him. After a bit of Zuko-tude, the niceness would have abated and all would have returned to normal. But anyway, my point is that Zuko's got a lot of pride and people pitying him would be a big blow to that pride.
Also I do think Zuko, for all his pride, has very poor self image and self esteem for a lot of the show. This is a kid who is rejected by one parent and loses another to mysterious circumstances. Parents are meant to love us completely regardless of who we are and while I think Zuko got that unconditional love from his mother, it has been a long time since he's felt that security of love from anyone else. He has it from Iroh, he just doesn't know it. Look at how sure he is that Iroh hates him now. He is convinced that his uncle will likely reject him again, when they see each other next. I think he'd see himself as 'damaged goods' after everything that's happened to him. He knows he's been negatively affected by all the craziness/abuse in his life and he sees that as a weakness, rather than the ability to overcome that sort of background as a strength. In many ways, I think he feels a little undeserving of Katara's affection/friendship (though he is certainly delighted to get it.)
*small castle related gush*
The he's damaged goods - so am I exchange was inspired by a fairly new episode of Castle (killshot), which was stunning and dramatic and made me cry buckets. one of the characters is struggling with PSTD and the other characters just want to make it all better for her and they can't and it's messy and emotional and frustrating and it's what got me started on thinking about how much you can really help your friends/lovers with deep emotional trauma, aside from being there for them and being patient and supportive. Castle is meant to be light hearted comedy, just the same as ATLA was meant to be a kids show, but noth of them get me thinking on much deeper tangents.
*end gush*
Also I think Zuko sees Katara as sort of like the ultimate optimist. She is so positive and supportive and to Zuko, she is primarily a fairly happy person. She has lead a life that ,while it had its sad/harsh times, was mostly full of love and support and family. This life is very different from Zuko's. He doesn't think she'd be able to understand the pain he carries around. And I think he doesn't want her too either. He doesn't want her to see him as damaged goods, doesn't want her to see what he thinks is the harsh reality of who he is. What the scar has made him. Because the scar has become a fundamental part of Zuko. For Zuko, who is used to being left, he thinks that if Katara sees all the dark and the sadness that he keeps bottled up, she'll leave him too. For him the extraordinary thing is that she doesn't .
So Zuko is not ready to unpack all this baggage in this chapter. Any deep emotional conversation about how he feels about his scar(s) should be instigated by Zuko. They are his scars and his issues after all. I think that when Zuko finally talks to her about this stuff, it needs to be of his own volition, when he is good and ready and not because she bullied/pushed him into it, but because he genuinely wishes to share his feelings with her. Zuko shares a lot with Katara in my fic, but I think there's still a limit to how much he's willing to open himself up to her at this point.
But Katara would offer him what I think he needs more than a big, emotional, confessional talk – the offer of constant support and her presence. As soon as she stops pushing and starts listening, Katara is on the right track. Zuko needs a friend who will always be there for him more than he needs a girlfriend to kiss it all away at this particular moment. Even though he's not ready to talk now, he knows that when that day comes, she'll be willing to listen, but for the meantime, he'll have to sort it though on his own, until he is ready to talk. In Sozin's comet, when Katara is all set to storm after Aang and harangue him some more, Zuko just puts his hand on her shoulder and tells her he needs to sort it out on his own and Katara acquiesces. This made me think that they must have had a conversation like this where Katara realized that sometimes she can't help and sometimes it is better to let people sort things out on their own.
Anyway Zuko makes some baby steps progress-wise, because he is able to acknowledge that Katara is there for him and is willing to listen to him about these incredibly painful things. I don't think Zuko and Iroh ever talked about it really and I definitely don't think he would have ever confided in Mai (to me the Mai-Zuko relationship is just one big communication fail!) but now he knows that if he ever did feel the need to talk to anyone, he could talk to Katara. I actually think that Katara is the best person for him to talk to. They just seem to understand each other, even in canon. Just look at how they gravitated to each other and and shared with each other in that cave scene in crossroads of destiny. I think, but am not 100% sure, that this is actually the first scene they have alone together in the series and voila! The connection, the drama, the intimacy! I was hooked (and then heartbroken when Zuko chose Azula and made me want to beat him repeatedly with the commonsense stick).
So yes, if he's going to open up to anyone, it would be Katara, but I think it would happen much later. Probably when they were in a steady relationship, maybe after they'd done the nasty one night and he was feeling safe and loved and confident enough in himself and his feelings to voice them out loud.
This chapter is not especially romantic, but it is more about deepening the trust/bond between them. I didn't want Katara to just kiss it all better for the previously outlined reasons, but I also didn't want their romance to start on a sad note, when one of them is feeling especially vulnerable. I want it to happen when they are both happy and satisfied and because it feels right, not because one of them is in a bad place at that moment. (Mai and Zuko got together, in my opinion, mostly because Zuko was in a bad place then and wanted some affection/validation from whoever was willing to give it). I want Zuko and Katara to come together as equals. Also if they make out in this chapter, Zuko's self esteem being what it is, he may just assume it was a pity kiss and didn't mean anything except that she felt sorry for him. So instead of making out, Katara tries to cheer him up as best she knows how, through gentle teasing and distracting him with spitshakes and the shape game. Zuko just wants her to act normal around him and she tries her best at it and they do things they've done together previously - and do a spitshake, which they haven't done together previously, but which is symbolic of liquid trust! This deepening trust will ultimately mean more in the long run because it shows that she really does listen to him and validate his needs rather than forcing her own affections on him.
I also alluded to what I think is one of the few valid Mai/Zuko arguments when Katara is teasing him about picking Sokka over her as his best friend. The argument is that Mai and Zuko were eachother's firsts and Zuko is a loyal person who would probably stick something out long after he should have abandoned ship (see zuko's attitude to/relationship with his father) and so they will stay together. This is not a compelling reason for me to want them to stay together, but I think it adequately explains why they do. They stay together in canon more out of habit and loyalty and Mai getting in first, not out of love and companionship and compatibility.
So in this fic Katara declares her bestfriendery and Zuko is really pleased and flattered and feels the same, but the thing is he's already said yes to Sokka and he's a loyal chap and he doesn't think you can have more than one best friend (in fact I think having anyone wanting to be his best friend is a bit of a novelty for Zuko in and of itself – but having two fabulous water-tribers wanting to be bffs foreverest is doing his head in.)
I thought it was time that there was some agreement between Zuko and Katara about what they are to each other. By this stage in my fic, they do have a very deep bond, they share a lot with each other (but not everything, not yet) they make each other laugh and they enjoy just hanging out and this stage and they both want to be there for the other. Neither of them have experienced a friendship like this before and it means a lot to them, and now it's official, they are best friends.
Next chapter, Zuko finds out that Aang can't go into the Avatar state – and there will be shenanigans (naturally).
Til then lovely readers...