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Ugly Truths

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Aang and Suki came back in. All of us in the kitchen tried to 'act natural' with varying degrees of success. I put the casserole on to roast slowly. It was honey and soy vegetarian bake. This was one of Aang's favourites. I smiled warmly at Aang when he came in. I think Suki really got through to him and I was glad. I know all this is hard for him and I wanted to show him that I supported him. I was hoping that big generous helpings of his favourite food would cheer him up. He was pretty happy when I told him what I was cooking as a special treat for him. At first everybody was acting civil and natural, but as soon as Aang saw some of Sokka's alternative plans, he got excited.

There has been more drama.

Sokka had been brainstorming alternative plans and means of trapping Ozai, rather than killing him outright, like big giant metal cages etc. Aang saw the cage drawing and the other plans Sokka had come up with. He got excited about the possibility of ending the war without killing Ozai. Sokka got a bit defensive because he didn't feel confident in any of alternative plans. He thought they were unnecessarily risky. They were even more dangerous than our parade plan (which is already pretty dangerous) and they had a much more uncertain outcome. Aang disagreed. I felt the collective mood of the group drop. While I can understand why Aang feels so vehement about this, I almost can't believe we are having this argument now. The day before an enormous battle. Aang didn't say any of this before the eclipse battle a few months ago. He'd been fine with the idea of killing Ozai then and I didn't understand what had changed.

I mean, in essence, I agree with Aang that killing is wrong, but I make an exception for Ozai. He had to die so the rest of us can be free, can live and this stupid terrible war can end. He wanted to kill Aang and the rest of us and if I had to choose between us and him, I want us to live. I want Aang to live! But tomorrow if Aang mamby-pambys about and is indecisive, he is going to be killed, because I am sure that Ozai does not have the same qualms about killing that Aang does. I didn't know how to say it to Aang without sounding horrible, but I hoped that tomorrow Aang would kill the bastard.

Ooh that sounds so harsh to write, but it is true. Aang is acting like the rest of us are being terrible and ruthless, but we are just being realistic. I think firelord Ozai should die and I do not think it makes me a bad person to think that. If Aang doesn't kill Ozai, with everything he has done and everything he will do, then where is the justice in this world?

But I had no idea how to go about explaining my various feelings on the subject to Aang.

He was spouting excuses about why he shouldn't be expected to kill Ozai tomorrow (most of these had to do with air nomad teachings) and the others were getting frustrated with him. Aang's final reason was that he didn't even know what firelord Ozai looked like when he wasn't made out of noodles, so if he tried to kill him, he'd probably just end up attacking a noodle seller by accident and then we'd never have noodles again. This was Aang's attempt at a joke to lighten the mood.

Zuko and Suki were confused by the noodle thing. Sokka explained about Aang sneaking into a firenation school/ how me and Sokka posed as Aang's parents/ noodle portraits etc. Zuko and Suki were better informed re: noodles but still confused about the whole thing (Zuko didn't understand why anyone would sneak into a firenation school and Suki was baffled by the fact that me and Sokka had passed ourselves off as Aang's parents because we were clearly still teenagers, and how dumb was this fire nation principal to fall for something like that? etc)

Toph said everyone was getting distracted by noodles, schools and dumbassery and the solution was easy. We were in the firelord's summer house. Obviously there would be a picture of him somewhere here. Most rich families had portraits done up after all. (Even her parents had a few done of her. Though she couldn't see them so she didn't know if they accurately captured her awesomeness). Zuko got a big sheepish and said that there weren't any family portraits (mmmhhh interesting) and it was a bit irrelevant anyway. His Dad wouldn't be that hard to spot. His dad would be the guy wearing the big-arse crown and making a speech about how he wanted to take over the entire world and kill things and set everything on fire. Not knowing what Ozai looked like was not going to be Aang's problem tomorrow. And then everyone was back on the topic of Aang's big problem for tomorrow.

Aang was silent and crossed his arms and went and stood in the corner and said that he shouldn't be expected to kill someone, if there was any other option. I tried the gentle common sense thing again and explained that there wasn't another option, otherwise we wouldn't ask this of him. Toph was less patient and huffed loudly and said what we were all thinking, in her blunt Toph way. She said Twinkletoes, I know you don't want to disrespect your people, but seriously, why is this even a question? Ozai wants to kill you, so you have to kill him before he can. The airnomads would want you to live. Sokka piped up that Toph was right and that the Air nomads would have wanted Aang to kill Ozai. Aang repeated again (slowly as if he was talking to unreasonable children) that the Air Nomads believed that all life was sacred. Sokka said that was true, but they also believed in self defense and killing Ozai would be self defense.

Aang got huffy (what would Sokka know about air nomad teachings etc). Sokka said that he knew that monk Gyasto didn't have a problem with killing in self defense. Didn't Aang remember how we had found him surrounded by the corpses of firenation soldiers? Monk Gyasto had obviously believed in fighting back. I drew in a sharp breath. I remembered that day so clearly. How I hid the truth from Aang for as long as possible. Sokka saying that I couldn't protect Aang forever (I hadn't really believed it at the time). How upset Aang had been. His grief and rage and pain and the first time the Avatar state really frightened me.

There was a pause. Aang's face mimicked what it looked like that day at the Southern Air Temple. I didn't have it in me to say what Sokka had just said. You don't just throw something like that into an argument unless the argument is serious. But this was serious. This fight was getting out of hand. I wasn't surprised when Aang had a total tantrum in response to Sokka's words.

That was it for Aang. He had a bit of a shout about how Sokka shouldn't talk about Gyasto like that and how did we know for sure Gyasto had killed those soldiers and Aang still didn't want to kill Ozai so it irrelevant anyway and Sokka didn't know anything at all and should shut up. Sokka got shouty back and then there was a rather large argument during which everybody (except Suki and myself -we spent the argument trying to calm everyone down) had a shout. I finished the argument by getting the commonsense stick and giving everyone a light smack with it and saying that EVERYBODY had to shut up for a second. We all had to work together and come up with a compromise and we didn't have time to be fighting each other, etc.

I made everyone be quiet for 3 whole minutes. Sometimes having a break in an argument can help people think clearly. I hoped that would be the case with this particular argument. After three minutes, Aang offered us all a blanket apology. He said he was sorry for upsetting us, but he had been feeling this way for a while. He couldn't do what we asked of him and he was sorry. But he was the very last air bender and he didn't respect Airnomad rules, who would?

Toph piped up first with a very salient point regarding Aang's normal attitude to rules (eg they are very flexible etc).Toph pointed out that Aang has never previously had much problem with bending the rules. She listed several notable examples. Aang said she wouldn't understand. At that Toph officially lost her patience with him too. (This also now means that every single one of us except for Suki has had a shout directly at Aang today) What exactly don't I understand? I think I've got a pretty realistic grasp of the situation here Aang, and I know it is either you or him.

Aang was getting really upset and I hate seeing Aang upset. No matter how much I disagreed with him, I still wanted to stand by him and comfort him. He looked so alone in his corner. I went over to him and I was about to say that we did understand but we just wanted him to see reason. But he retreated further into his corner and when I went over to him and he snapped at me that he didn't want to talk to me right then.

Welly well well then!

-?-

Aang has now taken refuge in his room and is not speaking to any of us. He stomped up and slammed his door and after a few beats I followed. I knocked on the door and tried to talk to him through it. My arguments wavered drastically. I was calm and reasonable and I explained that he couldn't just shut us out and run away from this. We all loved him and we wanted what was best for him. I understood about air nomad beliefs, but I also understood that this was Aang's duty. I know he felt scared, but if we all attacked together and presented a united front, we could win this war and restore balance to the world, etc etc. there was no answer from Aang inside his room. So I started up again, going on in a more persuasive tone about how I had so much faith in him and I was sure that he wasn't going to let me down, not when I had believed in him from the very beginning etc. and there was still no answer.

So I got stroppy and scoldy. I said that Aang was being ridiculously unreasonable and Ozai was the worst person in the entire universe and the whole world would be better off without him and just this morning we had heard that he wanted to burn the entire earth kingdom to the ground and didn't that mean anything to Aang. We had to save all those people and the only way to do that was to kill Ozai and really now!

Still no answer.

The others had gathered round the bottom of the stairs during my rant and had been listening in. At that point Toph started to clap in agreement, but still Aang did not appear. I went back downstairs. The others said I had spoken well etc and surely I must have gotten through to him. I said I hoped so (because I am always the optimistic one).

Suki suggested we all have some calming tea again because everyone was super tense. Zuko went into the kitchen to start making some. I followed him because I had something to ask him something about what he had said earlier about there being no portraits. It seemed a bit weird to me that there would be no pictures at all and he'd been very sheepish when he said it. So I knew something was up with that. After a bit of questioning (nagging and prodding) he revealed that there weren't any family pictures because he and Azula had set them all on fire last time they were here.

Oh.

What? Why? Was this their weird way of bonding? Because Sokka and I don't set things on fire together. It's just a little depressing that the only thing Zuko and Azula ever did together was burn family portraits. I asked why they had done it. Zuko said he didn't really know, which did not satisfy me. He said it was complicated, which is not really an answer (this I pointed out to him). Eventually he fessed up that he'd been angry and confused and he thought burning all the pictures would make him feel better but it hadn't. I asked if there were any pictures left, but Zuko didn't think so. He and Azula had been thorough. She'd said that she didn't want any visual reminders that they were related (Zuko had thought she was joking at the time). He asked why I was so interested and I feigned nonchalance and he took the tea tray out to the others.

-?-

I lied when I said I wasn't interested. I am really v. interested. I've always wondered in the back of my mind (okay sometimes in the front of my mind too) what Zuko would look like without his scar. I bet he'd be ever more handsome than he is now. I mean I've gotten used to the scar, but still I can't help thinking how different he'd look and how different he'd be without it. When I offered to heal it for him in Ba Sing Se, I didn't know any of what I now know about it. I could just see how much it hurt him. I wanted to make it better. I wanted to see a picture of him before he got it. When Zuko was talking about how he and Azula burned all the pictures, I felt a little sad because I felt like I'd never get to see a picture and my curiosity would go unsatisfied forever.

-?-

I am nothing if not wily. This house is huge and I was sure there must be some pictures left somewhere. I was right. I had just a quick look and now I have hit the snooping jackpot. Embarrassing baby pictures. I had a snoop around the attic and I found it a large collection of landscape paintings. Amongst those was the cutest baby picture ever. I was sure the baby was Zuko because he had such a cheeky smile. Having seen Zuko's real smile (which is different to his half smile and his fake smile) on a number of occasions, I can verify that it is a rather cheeky grin.

Anyway the picture was just too cute for words. I had only been looking for myself, to satisfy my own curiosity. But then as I was looking at the picture and smiling at how cute Zuko was as a baby, I was struck by another idea. I could use it to break the horrible tension that had arisen ever since the melon lord debacle. Things were getting so taut between us and Aang and I wanted something to break the tension and I felt like I had the answer in my hands. Everyone likes baby pictures after all. I mean who hates baby pictures? I could show everyone and cheer us all up. We could have a laugh together. And after we'd all had a laugh together we could work towards a solution that would satisfy everyone.

There problem solved.

Zuko would probably be a bit embarrassed, but on the whole, I think the gentle teasing he gets from us is a good thing for him. Anyway he shouldn't be too mad because he's just so adorable in this picture. If Aang was still weird around us, then I would show this picture and he'd cheer up right away. And if it helped Aang get over whatever this thing was, then I'm sure Zuko would understand, no appreciate, me showing everybody.

Sometimes, for the greater good, someone has to be a little embarrassed. And today that someone is Zuko. I have put the picture in my room for later and now I'm heading down to finish off making dinner.

-?-

I knocked on Aang's door when dinner was ready. He opened up and came down silently. Dinner was set on the table, but Aang took a plateful and then crossed into the courtyard. We all looked at each other and grabbed our plates and followed him out into the courtyard and sat with him. Aang abruptly got up and went to go sit at the other end of the walkway. We all glanced at each other (except for Toph) and there was a silent conversation (in gestures) over whether we should follow Aang again. It ended when Sokka shrugged in an exaggerated fashion and then dramatically pointed to the spot he was sitting on, indicating that he was planning on staying right there. Then he started eating with gusto and the rest of us followed suit. Aang glanced around and then turned back to his dinner, but he didn't say anything and it didn't look like he started eating either. Honey and soy vegetable bake is his favourite!

He was still being weird around us. I made a quick decision to get the picture out right then and break the weirdness, because I was getting sick of this nonsense. We have always been such great friends and I hate that the group is divided like this. I excused myself and went and got the picture and came back and announced happily that I had a surprise for everyone.

Toph declared she thought my surprise was announcing my secret thing with Haru. There was a slight awkward moment following this outburst. Toph remains, since that game of truth or dare, absolutely convinced that Haru and me had some tawdry secret affair, even though I have denied and explained it to her over and over again. I decided not to indulge her weird fantasies and dignify her comment with a response.

I told everyone that I had been looking for cooking pots in the attic (just a small white lie) and I found this – at that point I unveiled the picture with a flourish and encouraged everyone to look at how cute baby Zuko was. Everyone had a bit of a laugh and even Aang turned around and had a small chuckle. And I thought yay success to myself. Zuko didn't laugh and was looking exceptionally unhappy. I told him to lighten up and I was only teasing. But it turns out Zuko wasn't upset about me showing everyone his baby pictures. Because they weren't his baby pictures. It was a picture of his father.

Oh.

Well now this was awkward!

My tension breaking idea had backfired big time. I rolled the picture up as fast as I could. Suki said that he seemed so innocent in the picture. It seems incongruous to think the cheeky smiling kid in the picture now wanted to burn the entire earth kingdom to the ground. Zuko said that he might be cute and innocent as a baby, but he had grown up to be a monster etc.

But he's still a human being Aang piped up, which was the first time he'd spoken all dinner. Zuko was incredulous that Aang was defending Ozai and Aang backtracked and said placating that he agreed with us and firelord Ozai was a horrible person and the world would be better off without him. But he still thought there was another way.

Oh boy, here we go again.

Aang came up with a mad idea to use glue bending to stop Ozai. This was the first idea Aang had contributed all evening and he seemed pleased with it. Zuko was most sarcastic about this idea and very bluntly told Aang that it wouldn't work. Aang looked crestfallen and he started going on about the monks again and how he couldn't just go around wiping out people he didn't like.

None of us are saying he should go around wiping out people he doesn't like. We are asking him to do his duty. That duty is killing one very evil, horrible man to save the world. To say that we are asking him to kill Ozai because he doesn't like him really oversimplifies what all of us have been saying. Ozai's greatest sin is not that Aang doesn't like him, but that he wants to BURN THE ENTIRE EARTHKINGDOM TO THE GROUND (I feel this cannot be stated enough – because that is what is at stake here). But this fine distinction is lost on Aang.

Sokka said that the universe would understand and Aang really snapped at him and said it wasn't a joke. Of course it's not a joke! None of us were laughing after all. Aang starting go on about how none of us understood (again) and I said firmly that we did understand , but...at that point Aang cut me off and snapped at me too. It made me mad –Aang snapping at me like that. He is just snapping at all of us and not listening and all we have ever tried to do is help him. So I snapped back that we were only trying to help him. And then the whole thing degenerated into a shouty shenanigan again.

Aang had another tantrum and shouted at me that if I really wanted to help then I should figure out a way for him to defeat the firelord without taking his life. Then he stormed off in high dudgeon and left his dinner untouched. I was feeling quite upset and cross and I wanted to have the final word in this argument, so I started to stomp after Aang saying that he couldn't run away from this etc.

I was in true rant mode, but my rant was abruptly stopped by Zuko. I felt his big warm hand on my shoulder and he said simply that I had to let Aang go. Aang had to sort this one out for himself now. I felt a bit unsure. I had been hoping all day that Aang would come around and see our point of view. He hadn't and I didn't see how time to himself would fix that. Zuko said he knows what we all think. He has to make his own choices. He has to do it because he wants to, not because he's told to.

Suki was in agreement and said there was nothing any of us could say to Aang now that hadn't been said at some point during the day. What we should do now was come up with a contingency plan for tomorrow in case Aang decided to chicken out last minute. Sokka was all about the planning and we tossed around ideas for the rest of the night.

Each idea was more implausible than the last. It became clear to us that we needed Aang snap out of this already. No one said it, but we all knew. Without Aang, we couldn't win this. Sure we might win the battle, but we wouldn't end the war. We all went to bed a bit somber, but Suki said we'd all need our rest for tomorrow. I knew everyone was worried and uneasy about tomorrow, so I don't know how much sleep we are all going to get.

As I went to bed, I opened up Aang's door just to check on him. He was meditating on his balcony. I fought the urge to go and bother him and eventually I managed to close the door and not interrupt him. I hope he finds some guidance from meditating. Maybe if he crosses into the spirit world one of the spirits can make him feel more at peace with his duty. I have always believed that Aang can save the world and I will not give up on that belief now that we are so close.

He has to come through for us.

He just has to.

-?-

So this morning there was a flurry of activity while we all packed up Appa/ our belongings and got the house sorted and prepared ourselves for this final battle. There was a lot to do because no one really knew what was going to happen today. There was much packing and repacking. I took off my firenation clothes and dressed back into my water tribe dress ( it is a little small on me now, but it still fits). If we are going into the final battle today, I want to be wearing the blue and white colours of my people. Toph and Sokka followed suit and put on their old travelling clothes that we had worn around the earth kingdom.

I felt a bit nervous and sad to be leaving the house. It's been our refuge for so long and I've started to feel really at home here. I kind of love it here actually, but I know that if today goes badly, we probably wont be able to come back. After I cooked breakfast for everyone, I took some time just wandering around the rooms and saying goodbye in my head to the house that has been our safe haven. I found that baby picture of Ozai (how had I ever thought that this could cheer everybody up?) where I had dropped in last night. I thought about throwing it away but I couldn't bring myself to do it, so I rolled it up and took it back to the attic.

I went to the corner where I found all the pictures. I didn't notice Zuko had come up behind me until he said looking for cooking pots again? I was feeling a bit sheepish about last night and the whole baby picture debacle and I apologized but he said it was okay, he hadn't come up here to give me a hard time about it, but just to tell me that everything was nearly ready for us to leave. He turned to go, but suddenly before I could help myself, I ending up blurting out that I had just really wanted to see a picture of him as a kid, that was all. He was a bit baffled by this and said why did I even want to see one so badly when we had so much else going on. He didn't sound angry, just confused.

I told him softly that I had just wanted to see what he looked like without it. He knew what I meant instantly and he signed and turned away from me for a second. I felt like I had put my foot in it again. However, to my surprise he gave a deep, resigned sigh and muttered fine under his breath. He turned around and said that I had been looking in the wrong place.

If there were any pictures left, there was only one spot they would be. He walked over to a chest that was near the window and wiped some dust off it. He told me that his dad had put all his mother's things in here when she'd disappeared and neither he nor Azula had the heart to destroy anything that had belonged to their mother. She'd commissioned a lot of portraits when they were kids, so maybe….

The chest had a big heavy padlock on it and it took me a few tries to open it with the lock picks Toph gave me. I knelt in front of it to fuss with the lock. Zuko sat beside me, with his back pressed against the chest. Inside was the most eclectic collection of objects, little painted terracotta dishes and knickknacks, a statue of dragon, a broken perfume bottle (the smell of cinnamon and vanilla had permeated the entire chest). Underneath all that was some botanical prints and books. Between a book of poetry and a book about herbs was the picture. I made a delighted little noise when I saw it. He asked what it was and I said that I had found a picture of him and Azula and Lu Ten. He nodded, but he didn't seem to want to look. He said (by way of explanation) his mother had them sit for a portrait, just the three kids, on Lu Ten's eighteenth birthday, right before he went to Ba Sing Se.

Lu Ten was certainly much bigger and older than Zuko and Azula in this portrait. All three of them were sitting in a row. I could see the family resemblance between the three of them when they were all lined up like that. Azula was grinning a vaguely creepy fashion. Zuko was looking worried and uncomfortable next to her. Lu Ten was probably the most classically beautiful. He was looking off, enigmatically, into the distance. Still, it was Zuko's face I couldn't take my eyes off. Even as a child, there was something about him that drew my eyes. At the time this picture was painted, he had no idea what was instore for him. His face was young and whole and he was so little. I almost couldn't believe he had ever been this small and this fragile.

I looked over at him. He'd come along way from the cute and innocent looking little boy in the picture. He still hadn't glanced over at the picture and was feigning indifference to it. He asked if I was happy now (slightly gruffly) and I asked if he wanted to see and proffered it in his direction, but he declined and said he didn't want to. I pressed the issue and he got more defensive.

He blurted quickly that he didn't need to look at a picture to remember Lu Ten and he didn't want to be looking at childhood portraits of Azula before he had to fight her and he really didn't want to see any pictures of himself as a kid. I put the picture back and closed the lid. He turned back to face me and we didn't say anything for a second. I fought a small internal battle. I had promised myself that I would stop being so pushy and be more respectful of this sort of thing. But still, I couldn't help myself (I never can) and I asked why, very softly.

At first I thought he wasn't going to answer me. But he did. He confessed, so quietly that I had to lean right in close to hear him, it makes me feel ugly. He said it almost like he was admitting something against his will. There was a quiet little moment. My breath caught in my throat and I think I could almost feel my heart getting bigger. I just...Zuko's my...

I didn't know it was possible to just love someone this much. I don't think it's possible to hold this much feeling for someone inside without some of it spilling out.

He shouldn't ever think he's ugly. He's actually… quite beautiful to me. But if I said it, he'd probably just think I was pitying him or patronizing him and I know he hates that. I wanted to make him feel better. I wanted him to never think he was ugly again. I don't know what happened. Some mad urge came over me. I leaned forward and just kissed his scar very gently. I'd kissed his other cheek before, but never the scar.

And there we were on the dusty ground in the attic, practically sitting on top of each other and I was kissing his face. I kissed his cheek, under his eye, where his eyebrow would have been and his ear. Zuko froze. He didn't move. He didn't say anything while I did this, so I'm not sure how he felt about it. I leaned back, just a fraction, so I could look at him to gauge his reaction.

I think we were both holding our breath a little. We were staring at each other. He was looking at me with open-mouthed astonishment. He tilted his head slightly and touched the spot were I'd kissed his cheek gently. I reached up and placed my own hand over his and I leaned close and looked in his eyes so that he'd know I really meant it and I said you're not ugly- so don't ever think that okay rather insistently. He nodded and curled his fingers around mine and then our faces were so close. We could almost touch noses and I could feel his warm breath on my face. I remember thinking oh boy, this is it! before I tried to close the distance between us.

I was about to lean in when Sokka barged in. he was loudly saying there you guys are! He just barged in without knocking like the big barging-in person that he is!

Boo Sokka! Boo!

All the boos in the world!

In a flash I went from feeling super excited to feeling super embarrassed. Zuko and I sprang apart and looked a little sheepish. Sokka seemed to have realized that he had interrupted something (I can tell this mostly because he said sorry, am I interrupting?) Zuko and I had both blushed what I'm sure was a ridiculous shade of red. We both looked at each other and then vehemently denied that Sokka was interrupting anything. Sokka said okay then very skeptically, before he added that he had just come to tell us that everything was packed and we were ready to go. Then he turned and walked out and an awkward second passed. The wonderful moment from a second ago had been killed stone dead by my moment-killing-brother. There was no point in sitting around waiting for the moment to come back because it was gone! I stood up and started brushing the dust of myself. Zuko did the same.

We looked at each other for a second before Zuko seemed to shake himself out of it. He said we should… and then he nodded at the door with his head. I agreed and he turned around to walk out and I followed behind him.

All the boos in the world Sokka!

Couldn't he have barged in a few minutes later!

-?-

When we got down into the courtyard, Sokka was already on top of Appa and Suki was climbing gracefully up Appa's side and Toph was sitting on the fountain. Sokka said that now that Zuko and I had graced them with our presence, everything was all ready. He gave one final check and announced with some satisfaction okay, that is everying! Toph begged to differ and reminded him that Aang still hadn't woken up, and someone should really do that before we left.

There was a slight nervous chuckle and we all trouped up to find Aang. There'd been so much commotion this morning and so much to do, and none of us had wanted to bother Aang with any of the boring chores, especially because he had been in such a bad mood with us last night. Suki had said that she thought he just needed some more time and would join us when he was ready. But I felt a feeling of dread as we climbed the stairs. If he still hadn't come out to join us that meant that he was still really mad at us. And that was bad.

I was bracing myself for an angry and unreasonable Aang. But I wasn't at all prepared for what we found. We opened Aang's door to find his room completely empty. There was no trace of Aang anywhere.

He had left us.

He had gone.

-?-

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Author's rambly thoughts.

Lovely readers! Happy Valentines Day! Huge thanks to all my reviewers and oodles of love to you! I tried to do a more romantic chapter for this momentous occasion. I understand that some of you are probably thinking Boo you, all the boos in the world right now, because I have, once again, engaged in shameless, shameless ship tease. So sorry my lovely ones about that. But if you are just a bit more patient, I hope you wont be disappointed. But I will accept your boos graciously!

Because naturally YMMV on everything!

Anyway you've reached the end of ugly truths and I hope you've enjoyed it. I am now trying to make this fic canon compliant (when at the start I was just writing for shiggles). Don't worry, it will still be Zutaran all the way. I want to prove to the naysayers that Zutara and Canon can peacefully coexist and not one of the characters have to be out of character for that to happen. And I guess I also want to 'fix' canon and fill in all those blanks and plotholes and improve my overall enjoyment of the series. For canon compliancy to happen, Zuko and Katara can't snog here. But they both know that they nearly did make out, and both were pretty into the idea of it.

Anyway what I really wanted to explore in this chapter is the falling out that lead to Aang sitting apart from everyone at dinner, shouting at them all and then running away. Also I have a question for you guys which you can ponder. How much is Aang at fault for the deus ex lionturtle related shenanigans?

I am in two minds. I give Aang a lot of slack because he's such a sweet and innocent kid. He is just a kid. And running away is his habit and he does feel trapped in this episode. But at the same time he lets the Gaang down in such a major and fundamental way and no one ever calls him out on this.

He leaves them! He abandons his friends who were willing to do everything for him, left their homes to be with him and ultimately were willing to die for him and to bring and end to the war. Aang's age does not negate the fact that he leaves them when they need him the most. I am unsure how much control Aang has over initially going to the lion turtle, however as soon as he realizes he is somewhere far from his friends, he is not overly concerned with finding them again. And this is right before a major battle during which the earth kingdom will be set on fire and any of them could die. But Aang's not overly bothered by that. He is still more concerned with himself and his own crisis of spirituality than the well being of his friends. Aang does not get a pass from me for this. It is not the initial lion turtle leaving that bothers me as much as Aang's attitude after he wakes up on that bloody turtle. He just doesn't seem to care that much that he is separated from his friends.

Note: I actually haven't watched the Aang scenes the final that much. I tend to skip them because I find them... well to be honest... a little boring. Aside from his conversation with the previous avatars, Aang's scenes did not speak to me or effect me emotionally aside from giving me mild irritation. So this is just going from memory.

The Gaang is such a tight knit and trusting group and they all have sacrificed so much to be with Aang, but when it is crunch time, he lets them down, especially Katara, in such a big way. And no one says where were you? Why did you leave us when we needed you the most? to Aang afterwards. Katara believes in Aang the most. She has the most faith and the most patience with him and she always reassures everybody that Aang will come through for them and she believes it. She is always on his side even when she doesn't agree with him or is angry at him. She never leaves him. She might not want to want him make a fool of himself in front of those girls on Kyoshi Island, and she might not want to watch him try and activate the Avatar state – but she always stays close by. When he is unsure or sad she reassures and soothes him. When he is injured she heals him. When he is angry she calms him. She is his rock. So how did she feel about Aang leaving her and the Gaang, right when they needed him the most? How else are the Gaang meant to interpret Aang's actions. He does 'run away' again. They spend so much valuable time looking for Aang in these last episodes. What was Katara thinking when it became apparent that Aang had buggered off and let them all down? He is the last great hope for peace and she had so much faith in him. I wish this had been explored in canon. But it wasn't - so I am going to explore it in later chapters.

Also note that when Aang very rudely snaps at Katara- that is the last dialogue they have in the series. They do not speak again before the kiss. I have nothing to say except boo! And also this sends a very problematic message to young girls.

There is much speculation about how much control Aang has over going to the lion turtle. I am baffled by the turtle lovely readers. What attracts the turtle to Aang anyway? Is it an avatar thing? Did Aang somehow, in his desperation, unconsciously or consciously summon this mystical creature? Or did the turtle come to Aang randomly? Did the turtle, in a sense, "kidnap" Aang or did Aang go of his own free will? Did the lion turtle put Aang in a trance with the power of deus-ex-machina and energy bending? Is it this trance that leads Aang to leave his friends and hop on the mystical creature's back? Or is Aang just looking for a way out – any way out- of his unpleasant duty? How much control does Aang have over this sequence of events?

I do not know.

I guess I would like to think that Aang has some agency in this decision (because I am a big fan of people making their own choices), but ultimately I have no idea. Lovely readers, if you have theories I would love to hear them! (I sincerely loved everyone's theories about Iroh and waterbending) . Anyway, I am reluctant to blame Aang for his initial departure of the lionturtle, because I am unsure of how much control he had over his actions here. However, it is his actions afterwards, when he wakes up and is fully conscious and cognitive and still is not that worried about his friends that earns him my sad panda face.

It struck me when I was doing a rewatch that none of the Gaang, aside from Zuko have ever seen Ozai before. They closest they come is when Aang made a picture of Ozai out of noodles at school. It just struck me as interesting, so I included it here. Also the fabulous Kimberly T mused what would happen if Sokka mentioned how they found Monk Gyasto literally surrounded by firenation corpses – Monk Gyasto was a BAMF. He went down fighting. He didn't mamby pamby about when the firenation attacked. Anyway I thought this was a great idea so I threw that in too.

I hypothesize that Aang would not listen/take the news well or even think that deeply about what Sokka is actually saying. He would go into denial mode and would have a tantrum. This would be the last straw for Aang and would result in him emotionally withdrawing from the gang, and that directly contributes to him sitting silently and separately from them. He is both physically and emotionally isolating himself from their group and creating the dynamic at dinner. That whole scene almost feels like the Gaang vs Aang, but it never had to be that way. The Gaang normally communicate, cooperate and compromise well together and I found this whole sequence a little jarring, to be honest.

Also in this chapter we have Katara 'looking for cooking pots in the attic.' How many people actually believed her when she said this? Because I sure didn't. It makes no sense to look for cooking pots on their last night in the beach house and after dinner is already made. Also Katara's tendency for snooping is establish in canon. I guess what struck me is that, in canon, it is obvious (to me at least) that she was looking for pictures of Zuko, (even though according to bryke she is supposed to be all about Aang etc). I also like that my tendency to have her tell little white lies about her fascination with/stalking of Zuko has some canon evidence.

So anyway this is my interpretation of that. I think she would be curious about seeing what he looked like before the scar. Katara loves Zuko and has become accustomed to his face, but she doesn't find the scar sexy. She is not shallow for this. She is attracted to Zuko, but she sees that scar as a symbol of suffering rather than sex appeal.

I should note that I actually do not find Zuko's scar, in anyway 'hot' or 'sexy' (though I know that YMMV). To me it is a huge facial burn scar (and they are not pretty to look at). It is not some glamorous injury, but a serious disfigurement. Ozai didn't give it to him to make him look cool, he gave it to him because he wanted Zuko to suffer. So I think having Katara (or any character for that matter) find the scar sexy etc ultimately belittles the scar and Zuko's struggles.

Ugly is a bit of an emotive word, but I guess that is how I think Zuko would view his scar. It is huge and it is ugly and by extension it makes him ugly. In canon, how he feels about his scar is never really explored but just touched on very lightly in the beach. He obviously hates it and is very self conscious over it. I get the feeling it was a subject that Just Wasn't Talked About amongst the firenation kids, from their surprised reactions at him mentioning it and Ty Lee's very rapid apology. He and Katara, on the other hand, have always been more open with each other and I think he is starting to be willing to share these things with her and has great confidence and trust in her. She doesn't glamorize the scar, but accepts it as a part of him and validates his feelings – and I think for Zuko, that kind of acceptance is a rare and precious thing.

Next chapter the Gaang will take off in search of Aang and we will become reacquainted with Jun (the patron saint of Zutara). Naturally assumptions will be made and there will be shenanigans.

Til then lovely readers.