Chapter Twenty Two

February 5, 2011 – 12:01am

Jimmy lay quietly in bed, eyes closed, listening to the soothing sound of his lover's breathing next to him. He felt that he'd never really appreciated these moments enough, had never realized just how comforting it could be to hear another human being, to feel another's presence beside him. He rolled over slowly and opened his eyes.

Tony was sleeping on his side with his back to Jimmy, wrapped up tight in the blankets. As Jimmy's movement created some slack, Tony automatically pulled more of the covers his way. Jimmy smiled. Despite the fact that his lover was an unapologetic blanket thief, Jimmy would always rather wake up next to him – even shivering with cold – than wake up alone. And after his last few days, Jimmy was coming to appreciate just how precious those awakenings were.

Unable to resist, Jimmy scooted closer and wrapped his arms around Tony from behind, sliding one arm under his head to act as a pillow while the other went around the other man's chest and pulled him against Jimmy's body. He pressed his lips to Tony's shoulder in a gentle kiss, then closed his eyes and lost himself in the feel of Tony's warm body touching his.

He felt a little chagrined when Tony lifted his head and turned slightly to try to see his face. "Hey, you okay?" he whispered sleepily.

"I'm fine." Jimmy snuggled closer against Tony's back. "I'm sorry I woke you. I just… I just wanted to…" He hugged Tony just a little harder. "I've missed you," he whispered. "I just wanted to hold you…"

Tony ran his fingers lightly across Jimmy's arm. "I know. I've missed you, too. It's been a long time since we've been able to have a night together without something getting in the way."

You have no idea, Jimmy couldn't help but think. "That's why I wanted this," he said quietly, squeezing Tony again. "I don't know when we might get a chance to do this again." Keeping his voice low helped him to disguise the way his throat tightened at those words.

But Tony wasn't a trained investigator for nothing. He turned slowly in Jimmy's arms and brought one hand up to touch his cheek. "You sure you're okay?" he asked, concern showing in his eyes even in the dark. "I thought –"

"I'm done with having nightmares," Jimmy interrupted. He slid his fingers under Tony's chin and tipped his face up for a long, slow kiss. When their lips finally parted, he looked into Tony's eyes and smiled sadly. "Or at least I'm done being scared of them."

"There's nothing wrong with being scared, Jimmy," Tony gently reminded him. "Everyone gets scared sometimes. The trick is not letting it rule your life."

"I know."

"I know you know." Tony smiled. "What I don't know is if you know how proud I am of you. And I'm not just talking about the dreams."

Jimmy had thought he was going to be able to get through this night without crying, but the tears that came to his eyes spoiled that idea for him. He didn't care. "What?"

"I'm not just talking about the nightmares," Tony repeated. "I'm talking about this. About you talking to me. You didn't use to trust me like this."

"Tony, I trusted… oh." Jimmy stopped when he figured out Tony's point. He felt his face turn red, and was glad that it was dark in the room. "I just…" He took a deep breath and went for it. "I hated that I was such a mess before. When we were kidnapped, and then I started having nightmares and I felt like all you ever saw of me was me falling apart and I just hated it. I was so afraid that that's all you would see and you'd get sick of feeling like you had to take care of me and –"

"Shh, shh." Tony put his finger to Jimmy's lips, silencing him. "Jimmy, no. You're selling yourself short here. That's hardly the only thing I've seen about you these last few months." He winked, and Jimmy's blush deepened. "And maybe I take care of you, but you take care of me, too. That's how this works, right?"

Jimmy nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

Tony leaned closer to kiss Jimmy, then laid his head on Jimmy's shoulder and snuggled into the younger man's side. Jimmy was surprised. Usually, Tony was the cuddler, not the cuddlee, last night – Tony's last night, not Jimmy's – notwithstanding. Jimmy held Tony close, enjoying the feeling. He was well aware that all too soon –

The ringing of Tony's cell phone, while expected, still brought a groan to Jimmy's lips. Tony, who of course had not been expecting the call, echoed the sentiment as he rolled over to grab the phone off the nightstand.

"DiNozzo," he answered, laying his head back down on Jimmy's chest and holding the phone to his other ear. "What'd we get, Boss?"

Jimmy closed his eyes, allowing the familiar words to fade from his consciousness as he reviewed his plan for the evening. This is the last time, he said emphatically to himself. This ends tonight – this tonight. I refuse to let it go any farther.

"Tonight?"

Tony's question to Gibbs had nothing to do with Jimmy's internal monologue, but Jimmy found himself nodding anyway. Tonight, he agreed silently.

"Right. I'm on my way." Tony hung up without saying goodbye, a habit he'd picked up from his boss. Then he propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at Jimmy.

"You've got to go, I know." Jimmy decided to spare Tony the trouble of explaining. "It's okay." He reached up and pulled Tony's head down, brushing the other man's lips with his. "Go get in the shower. I'll get some coffee ready for you."

"Thanks, Jimmy." Tony returned the kiss, with interest. Then he pulled away slightly. "It's just so hard to leave you when you're laying there like that…"

Jimmy laughed. "Get going, DiNozzo," he ordered, grabbing a pillow and swatting Tony with it. "Or else you're going to have to explain to Gibbs that you were late because you were seducing the autopsy assistant."

"There are worse things… but not in the middle of a case," Tony conceded. "Alright. Just get some clothes on before I get out, or I can't be responsible for my actions."

"Promises, promises…"

Jimmy waited until Tony had disappeared into the bathroom before he climbed out of bed. He dressed quickly, remembering to put on his pajama bottoms and Power Rangers t-shirt instead of the jeans and long-sleeved shirt he would wear later on. As far as Tony should know, Jimmy planned on going back to sleep once he was gone.

Out of habit, he went to the TV first and turned on ZNN to check the date. Still February 5th… again, he confirmed, then turned it off and went to plug in his cell phone. Starting Tony's coffee and pizza came next. Remembering something he'd thought previously, Jimmy selected a different slice this time. Maybe it was just superstition… but then, how did he explain this whole crazy cycle of events? Maybe superstition was important.

Jimmy remembered something that Tony had told him years ago, when the senior field agent was working undercover dating Jeanne Benoit. If you always do what you've always done, Tony had said, then you'll always get what you always got. Jimmy was determined to get something different this time.

By the time Tony stepped out of the bedroom, fully clothed, Jimmy had the coffee and pizza ready to go on the coffee table.

"Thanks," Tony said, pulling Jimmy to him. "You didn't have to do that, you know."

"I know." Jimmy returned the embrace, focusing on the feel of Tony's body in his arms, Tony's arms around him. This might be the last time… "This is me taking care of you, okay?"

"Okay." Tony gave him one last squeeze, then stepped back and picked up his coat. "I'll be home when I can."

"Stay safe out there." The desperation that had been in Jimmy's voice on previous nights was gone now. He knew that Tony would be safe, because Jimmy was going to do whatever he had to in order to make it happen.

"I will. I love you."

"I love you, too."

When Tony was gone, Jimmy closed the door and leaned against it for a moment. He had a lot to do tonight, it was true; but since most of the action was slated for later in the night, he found that he had some time to kill.

He went to his desk and found a pad of paper and a pen. He figured he should probably do this first, as he didn't know how long it would take. Once he was done, he could see how much time was left before he had to leave.

Putting the pen to his lips, Jimmy stared at the blank sheet before him, carefully considering his words. Then he nodded to himself and put the pen to paper. Slowly, with several long pauses while he sought to find the best way to express himself – not always his strong point, at least not verbally – he wrote:

Tony,

If everything goes well tonight, you'll never see this – I should be able to get home and tear it up before you do. If it all goes bad, you'll also never see this. It's if things go badly for me but not for you that I'm writing this. If I don't make it home, there are some things I want you to know.

If I were to tell you how I know what I know, you'd think I'm crazy, and I'd like to leave you with a better impression of me than that. Please just trust me when I tell you that I knew what I was getting into, I knew the risks, and I chose to do it anyway. The alternative – losing you – was something that I just could not live with.

Tears flowed down Jimmy's face as he continued to write; by the end, his hand was shaking so badly that he had to concentrate to form each letter on the page. He hoped it wasn't too obvious. He was studying to be a doctor, after all – his handwriting was supposed to be messy, right?

He folded the paper, sealed it into an envelope, and wrote Tony's name on the outside. Then he slid it into his coat pocket. If things really did go that badly, he fully expected that his apartment would be searched for evidence that he was involved in the terrorist plot. He didn't want to leave the letter here for someone else to find first; he'd stop at Tony's apartment on his way to Rothstown and leave it there.

Next, Jimmy took another piece of paper and, after some thought, scribbled down another message and a phone number. This he also put into his coat pocket; he would need it later. When he was finished, he checked the clock and was surprised to find that it was only a little after one o'clock. What was he going to do for another two hours?

He glanced around the apartment, looking for something to keep him busy so he wouldn't have time to worry. When the stack of dirty dishes in the kitchen caught his eye, he couldn't help but laugh. Why not?

So for the next hour and a half, Jimmy attacked all the chores that he'd been avoiding around the apartment for the last four days – ever since he'd completed them only to have the accomplishment disappear in the first time loop. He cleaned out the refrigerator, grateful for his foreknowledge of what containers were safe to open, and what should just be pitched without a second glance. Then he washed the dishes, including those rescued from the refrigerator. He cleaned out under the sink, getting rid of the empty bottles of cleaning product underneath. He wiped down the counters. Then he took the garbage out to the dumpster, leaving a new, empty bag in the garbage can under the sink.

Next he went into the bathroom to scrub it down. He grimaced when he thought of all the time he'd spent in here last night – worshipping the porcelain god, his friends had called it in college. At least that horrible time now only existed in Jimmy's memory. He had been so embarrassed, getting sick like that in front of Tony…

Then again, that's part of what Tony was talking about, isn't it? Trusting him to stay, even when I'm not exactly the best person to be around. It's not easy – I mean, Tony could have his choice of men or women, so why would he want someone like me? I keep thinking I'm going to chase him off, but I think he's been trying to tell me to stop worrying about it because he knew what he was getting with me… and there must be something about me that keeps him here even when I think he'd be better off without me…

Those thoughts occupied Jimmy's mind as he tackled the unpleasant task of cleaning the bathroom. Then he stripped off his pajamas and started the shower, glad that all the disgusting work was behind him so he could get clean once more.

Finally, he stood in the living room, dressed in the same dark jeans and black long-sleeved t-shirt he'd worn for the last several nights – That's one good thing, I haven't had to do laundry! – and went through his mental checklist.

Let's see… I've got my NCIS cap, which is the best I can do to try to keep from leaving any hair behind for Abby to trace. Gloves to keep from leaving fingerprints. Shoe prints… yeah, can't risk those. He went to his closet and dug in the back until he found an old pair of sneakers, old enough that he didn't mind throwing them away after tonight.

Flashlight and multi-tool, check. Car keys, wallet… should I leave my wallet and ID? No, if I'm caught, they'll know who I am anyway, and besides, I'm wearing the hat. Cell phone… I should turn off my phone now, not that anyone's going to call me, but I'd still feel better for not having to worry about it…

He reviewed the plan one last time, looking for any potential pitfalls. None occurred to him, so he emptied his backpack of its load of textbooks and packed it with – hopefully – everything he would need tonight, including his good sneakers to change into afterwards. Then he grabbed his coat, slung the backpack over his shoulder, and went out the door.