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Chapter 7 – Moving On

This was my favorite place in the world to be. My happy place. Well, okay, it wasn't my very favorite place. That was still anywhere she was. But since I wouldn't let myself go there anymore, this tied for my second favorite. And it was the only one that didn't remind me of her…much.

My other happy place was all wrapped up in her. Of course, she'd never been out on the field with me. She wasn't really there as I hit a double or stole a base or struck out the guy at bat. But if it weren't for Bella, I never would have found myself out on that field either. I smiled wistfully to myself as I remembered once again the first time we'd played catch. I thought about that day all the time. I couldn't help it. Without that day, that game, that conversation with Bella, I wouldn't have any of it. I wouldn't have that tingle that ran through me every time I made my way out of the dugout. I wouldn't have my team – guys who were closer than brothers. I wasn't even sure I'd have my pride and self-respect. She had given all of that to me.

My fingers absently settled over the ebony and ivory keys, playing a scrap of melody that I hadn't been consciously thinking of. It was her song. Bella's song. The one I'd written for her. So much for not thinking of her here, sitting at my piano.

I couldn't help it, even though I'd had this before her. I had brought the piano and the endless hours of lessons with me when we'd moved from Chicago. I'd brought my love of the music and also the wonder of being able to create something from my imagination and my talent. But even here she had her place.

She was here in the memories of her sitting on the bench beside me, listening to me play. She was in the music I made…not just in the song I'd written for her, but she seemed to find her way into every song. There was always a movement or a feeling or a hint of indescribable something in the music that always brought Bella to my mind.

I could pretend though. Here, I could pretend that she wasn't inexorably entwined in my every thought, word, and action. This I'd had B.B. – Before Bella – and I'd have it long after. After we went our separate ways. After she found someone to love. After she made a new life with him and forgot all about me.

God, I was starting to depress myself. I guess they didn't make happy places like they used to.

The piano issued forth a dissonant sound as I slammed my hand on the keys in frustration before pushing the piano bench away from the instrument and getting to my feet.

It wouldn't be me. It was never going to be me. It was time I accepted that and moved on with my life – really this time.

I'd tried before. When I'd realized that I was not who she wanted. When I knew for sure that I had just joined the ranks of every other guy who longed for her and would never have her.

I ran my fingers through my hair, tugging the locks, bringing a sting of pain to my scalp. I closed my eyes, trying to blot out the memory.

It had been over two years ago. Our freshman year. At Homecoming. I'd been so happy that night. Happy to be with her. She'd been so beautiful in her dark green halter dress that matched my shirt. Mine. But only because she was my date for the evening, not because she was really my girl.

If only…

She had tested my resolve that night. I had firmly decided not to risk our friendship. But the sight of her hair curled over her bare shoulders, the sides pulled away from her face and secured in emerald clips so that my eyes were drawn to her eyes, her cheekbones, her lips… I wanted more than her friendship. I wanted to have the right to touch those shoulders, to hold her in my arms, to kiss those lips.

Things weren't getting any easier. Every day, every moment with her had become a struggle.

And then I'd asked her to dance.

She'd been reluctant at first. I'd had to promise her that I'd never let anything hurt her. It had been the easiest promise I'd ever made. Of course, I'd never let anything happen to my Bella.

The questions in her eyes cleared immediately. She looked at me with such trust as she placed her hand in mine and said, "Alright, Edward. I'm all yours."

I think those were the sweetest words I'd ever heard in my life. And I knew that I wanted that. I wanted her to be mine.

I just wasn't sure how exactly I was going to make it happen. So I'd said nothing out of the ordinary as we danced. Well, not about my feelings for her anyway.

I probably shouldn't have told her about what Jazz was up to with Lucy. She was so innocent about that kind of thing. But I hadn't really been thinking. My brain had been busy trying to process what I should do about the Bella situation.

Was I really going to do it? Was I finally going to put my feelings out there for her?

I was glad when our dance was over and Bella excused herself. It gave me some time to make up my mind once and for all. I was going to do it. I was going to tell Bella I wanted more.

That was when Angela came back to our table and asked me to dance.

I was a little surprised when she asked me, because I knew how shy she was. But I guessed she might have been more at ease with me since we'd hung out a few times when she'd come over to see Bella. I couldn't say no to her – not knowing how much courage it took her to ask.

The song was a slow one. I was prepared to take Angela's hand in mine and put my other hand lightly on her waist to keep a respectful distance between us. That was when she surprised me again by stepping up to me and wrapping her arms around my neck. Automatically, I wrapped my arms around her waist. She was taller than Bella – almost as tall as me – so we were almost eye to eye.

I was uncomfortable – having Angela in my arms like that, having her face so close to mine – but a quick glance around at the couples dancing near us showed me that everyone else was dancing like us. In fact, this was the same position I always slow danced with Bella in. But that was…different.

Still, I didn't want to hurt Angela's feelings, and it was just one dance. So, I shrugged off my apprehensions.

Once I let myself relax, I didn't mind dancing with Angela. I really did like her, now that I was getting the chance to know her better. And she was comfortable enough with me to talk and even joke around. She made me laugh, and I was truly enjoying myself by the time the dance ended.

After thanking Angela for the dance, I led her back to our table. Bella was waiting for us. Another slow song was playing, and I wanted nothing more than to have Bella in my arms again.

I held out my hand to her. "May I have this dance?" I asked her politely, formally, because I knew it would make her smile.

And it did. She smiled up at me. But it wasn't the amused, playful smile I'd been expecting. Something was wrong about it. It didn't reach her eyes. She stood up and placed her hand in mine though.

I held her hand firmly as we walked to the dance floor. It always amazed me how good such a simple thing could feel – her hand in mine. Did I want more from her? Want her, in fact. Yes, of course I did. I was a red-blooded American male, after all. But I loved her, respected her, and I could appreciate the thrill of just being allowed to hold this girl's hand. It was an honor and a privilege that I hoped I never took for granted…even if my fondest dreams came true and she became mine.

When we reached the floor, I turned to face her and take her into my arms. She shocked me when she initially kept some distance between us, placing her hands on my shoulders instead of around my neck as she always had before. I wasn't having it though. I didn't want any distance between us for this. I wanted her body next to mine while I told her the most important secret of my life. I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her to me. After a moment of seeming hesitation, she let me hold her the way I wanted to.

Initially, neither of us spoke. We just moved together to the music. I had no idea what her thoughts were at the time, but I was desperately trying to work up the courage to tell her how I felt about her.

Finally, I closed my eyes, pushed past my fear, and opened my mouth before I chickened out again. "Bella, there's something I want to tell you," I said quickly.

"Shh," she said, lying her head against my chest, "Edward, it's alright."

Okay…this was not exactly the reaction I'd been expecting. In fact, I wasn't sure exactly what her reaction meant at all.

I tried again. "But, Bella, I really have to tell you this. It's important."

She pulled back from me slightly and looked up at me. Her smile was still wrong. "It's okay, Edward. You don't have to say anything. I already know."

Well, shit. If that wasn't a kick in the gut…or at least felt like one as I felt the breath leave my body in a rush. She knew? I really had been that obvious, huh? Although on the upside, it did make the whole confession thing a lot easier.

"You already know?" I asked a little stupidly but also with a big dose of relief.

She nodded – her eyes still locked into mine – but maddeningly she didn't say anything else.

"And?" I asked.

"And, I think it is a great idea."

My heart felt like it might explode out of my chest. I didn't think my body could contain the swell of love and joy that flowed through it in that instant.

"You do?" I sighed in relief. Really, confession may be good for the soul, but it wasn't doing wonders for my articulation. Still, if Bella was willing to take the next step with me and become my girlfriend, I'd gladly stumble my way through this conversation with her.

She looked away from me before returning her head to my chest. I must admit, I was really starting to like that position. I was certain that I could get used to it fast.

"I do," she said firmly and I allowed myself a grin. "I mean, you two are my best friends in the world, and it would be great to see you both happy."

And just like that, I felt the grin slide from my lips. What was she talking about?

"I'm so excited for you, Edward. Angela is a wonderful girl. I know the two of you will be really happy together."

For the second time, I felt like I'd just been kicked. Although the cosmos's aim seemed to be lower than my gut this time. Me and Angela?

"You have my blessing. You and Angela, I mean. It's alright with me. I knew this day would come, Edward, and it's totally fine. It's natural. I knew that you would find someone eventually. And, yeah, I know things are going to have to change between us a little. But that's the way it should be. You're always going to be my friend. So, I understand if we need to adjust things so you can have a life. Don't feel bad about that, okay?" She said quickly, her words tumbling together in a torrent.

I heard her words, but my brain was having a very difficult time processing them. I didn't know how in the hell Bella had gotten such a ridiculous idea in her head. I didn't want Angela. I wanted Bella!

Then the meaning behind the words slowly started to sink in. I wanted Bella…but she wanted me to be with someone else. In fact, she'd expected it all along.

She didn't have the same dreams about us that I had. She wasn't just willing for me to date another girl – she was encouraging it.

I'd been fooling myself thinking that maybe she could feel something for me. It wasn't going to happen. Bella and I were never going to be more than friends. And the sooner I accepted that fact, the better off I would be.

"So?" she asked looking at me once again.

I needed to drag my brain back into the current conversation. It wasn't like my entire world had just shattered around me or anything, right? Yeah, right.

"So?" I prompted Bella, trying to figure out what I'd missed.

She sighed in exasperation. "Did you ask Angela out yet?"

"Oh…umm…no. Not yet."

"Well, what are you waiting for, Edward? I know she's shy, but you can't wait around forever. There is such a thing as waiting too long, you know. Act before the moment passes you by for good."

If I hadn't known that we were dancing too closely to accommodate a hilt between us, I would have sworn that Bella had slipped a dagger into my stomach and was slowly twisting. That's what it felt like anyway. She didn't know that she was advising me about Angela and all I could hear was advice I should have heeded about Bella years ago. I'd waited too long, and now it was too late.

All of a sudden I was insanely angry. I was angry with myself for letting her slip through my fingers. And I was angry at Bella for not loving me.

Along with the rage, I felt a hardening of my heart and a firm determination settle upon me. I would never let Bella see how much she'd hurt me. She wanted to see me with someone else? Fine. I would be only too happy to oblige.

"Don't worry," I told her as the dance ended and I set her determinedly away from me. "I'm going to ask her before the night is over."

~*~E~*~E~*~E~*~

Angela and I went out for seven months.

My first date was not with Bella. It was with Angela.

My first real kiss was with Angela.

And my first time was…almost with Angela.

As our relationship progressed, Angela and I had made out a few times. But we'd never taken things very far beyond kissing – she was Reverend Weber's daughter after all. It wasn't that she was a prude, but she had her own strong moral beliefs that I respected.

There was once though, near the end of our relationship, when we both got really carried away.

We'd been at my house. Mom and Dad were both at the hospital. Dad was working, and Mom was volunteering. Jasper was supposed to be chaperoning. Yeah, like he cared what Angela and I were doing. Actually, if Jasper had known, he probably would have slapped me on the back and offered his congratulations.

We had started out watching a movie – some inane comedy that we'd both seen before. It didn't take long for watching to turn into kissing.

I removed Angela's glasses. She looked really cute in the oval, rose-framed glasses, but I liked being able to see her light brown eyes without them in the way. Besides, removing them made kissing her easier.

Our kisses quickly became less than innocent. Angela parted her lips for me and I slipped my tongue into her mouth, tasting her. As her tongue stroked softly against mine, I moaned low in my throat at how good it felt.

I couldn't really swear to how it happened. But the point at which we usually stopped came and went. Before I knew it we were lying on the couch, me on top of Angela, and both of us half undressed.

I looked down at Angela, and she was beautiful like that. Her lips swollen from my kisses. Her naked breasts exposed to me…another first for me. I gave in to the temptation and leaned forward to taste them.

Soon we were lost in a haze of hormones and lust and emotion. She was left wearing nothing but her skirt. I had removed her panties and touched her intimately until she panted and moaned beneath me.

"Please, Edward," Angela begged as she reached for the button on my jeans. "I want this. I want you."

For an instant, just one, I let myself consider it.

"I love you, Edward. Please."

And just like that, it was over.

I had come to care for Angela. Really care. But I didn't love her. I couldn't tell her that I did. And I couldn't take something as precious as her virginity from her without it.

I had pulled away from her then. I'd gently told her that even though I wanted to, we shouldn't go through with it.

I'd seen the hurt and rejection in her eyes, even though she tried to hide it from me.

That was the beginning of the end. A couple of weeks of distance and uncomfortable silences followed until Angela finally broke things off with me.

Things were awkward between us for a while, but we finally weathered the post-breakup phase and resumed being friends. Angela fell in love with Ben Chaney, and he loved her in return. So things definitely worked out for the best. At least for them.

For me?

Well, I was right back in the same hell I'd been in before Angela – in love with my best friend who didn't love me back.

I'll admit it. I fell right back into the same destructive patterns with Bella. Destructive for me that is.

When Angela and I had been going out, my friendship with Bella was different. She pulled away from me. She was still my friend. And Angela's too. It was just that she seemed to hold herself back, keeping a distance between us that had never been there before.

I had hated it but figured it was what Bella thought she should do when Angela and I were a couple. I mean, it made sense. I was sure there weren't very many girls who would want their boyfriends to spend more time with another girl than with them. Not that Angela ever made an issue of my friendship with Bella. She didn't. But it just didn't seem possible for Bella and me to keep things the same when they clearly weren't. Add to that the fact that I knew I was in love with my best friend and not my girlfriend. Yeah, things got a little strained.

Once I was single again, Bella was…well, she was my Bella again.

You'd think I would have learned something, wouldn't you? She had stood by and watched me date Angela for months. Obviously, Bella didn't care for me that way. Not even a little. I couldn't fool myself into thinking that she ever would. So why couldn't I just enjoy her friendship and leave it at that? Why couldn't I stop loving her?

I lived this kind of sick half-existence through our entire sophomore and junior years – not wanting to examine our relationship or my feelings too closely – just basking in the glow that was life with Bella without allowing myself to think of having more.

It ended right after our final year of high school began. It ended when Bella finally said yes to Mike Newton.

As if I needed Bella dating Mike to drive home the point that she was never going to want me. Well, I thought I had accepted that once and for all when she pushed me towards Angela. But seeing her holding hands with Mike. Her…kissing him. Just the thought made me want to vomit. The sight wanted me to invent eye bleach and brain scrub.

They hadn't lasted long, Bella and Mike. They only went out for a couple of months. But I knew that there would be no way to put that genie back into the bottle. Once she'd said yes to one guy, I knew there would be others. And I just couldn't stand by and watch.

That was when I decided.

I didn't tell Bella. I didn't tell anyone – well, not until I'd absolutely had to. I just did it. Just to see what happened.

Now I knew for sure. Now I had to tell her.

There was no time like the present I guessed. So, leaving my piano behind, I walked out to the foyer. After retrieving them from the hall closet, I put on my shoes and coat. And opening the front door, I left the heated interior of the house and stepped into the still frigid March wind.

I walked quickly next door to Bella's, pulling my coat closer around me in an attempt to hold in more of my body heat. When I found myself standing before her front door, though, I couldn't bring myself to knock. I stood there for as long as I could, dreading what I was about to do with every fiber of my being. It was only when I no longer had any feeling in my hands and feet that I finally knocked.

Chief Swan answered the door.

"Edward," he said with a nod.

"Hi, Chief. I was wondering if I could see Bella?"

He frowned at me. His keen policing skills no doubt telling him something was wrong. That or he was concerned about finding an Edward-popsicle on his front porch.

"Sure," he agreed, stepping out of the doorway to allow me inside. "She's upstairs in her room. You know the rules, son. The door stays open at all times."

Bella's father knew that she and I were just friends. But that didn't mean he trusted me – or any other boy – alone with her behind a closed door. Not that I blamed him. If I had a daughter, I imagined I would feel the same way. Of course, he didn't know that my parents had no such qualms about their baby boy when I entertained Bella in my room, and we'd decided what the Chief didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

After assuring him that I would follow his rules and thanking him, I left Bella's father and headed upstairs to Bella's room.

I heard her soft, "Come in," in answer to my knock on her door. I took a deep breath. This was it.

"Edward!" She gave me her megawatt smile when I walked through the door, and I had immediate second thoughts. I didn't really need to do this now, did I?

"I'm so glad you're here!" she continued. "It came! Finally."

Uh oh. I had a bad feeling about this.

My bad feeling was confirmed when Bella waved a large, thick envelope at me. "A big envelope from UDub. You know what that means."

I did. It meant that she had been accepted to her first choice college, the University of Washington. It meant she'd be moving to Seattle this fall.

She didn't seem to notice yet that I didn't share her excitement.

"How do you think Jazz is going to react when he finds out we're going to be invading his turf again?"

She was so sure that I would be joining her. That we would both be going to the same school as my brother. That was my fault. I had let her believe it.

I turned my face away from her. I couldn't stand seeing the light that had slowly started to fade from her eyes. She'd finally realized I wasn't happy about her news.

"Edward, what is it? Haven't you gotten your acceptance yet? That's okay. You know you'll get in. Your grades and SAT scores were even better than mine. They have to let you in. I'm sure you'll get the letter soon. We applied at the same time, right?"

"Bella, stop. Please," I begged as her words plunged sharply into my heart. If only I deserved the faith she had in me.

"I got my acceptance letter from UDub two days ago," I told her quietly.

"You did?" she asked uncertainly. "But that's great news. Why didn't you tell me right away?"

This was it. This was when I finally had to man up and just tell her.

"Because I'm not going to UDub, Bella."

Silence followed my declaration. Bella didn't say anything, and neither did I. Finally I couldn't stand the suspense any longer and looked over at her to gage her reaction. Her face had blanched, and I could see the mixture of hurt and confusion in her eyes.

"What do you mean, Edward?" she said in a very small voice. "I thought we had it all planned."

I sighed. "No, Bella. You had it all planned, and I didn't contradict you. I probably should have, but I didn't see the point until I knew for sure."

"Knew what?" she asked in that same small tone that I hated. She sounded so unsure.

"I won't be going with you to Seattle," I told her firmly.

"But…of course you are, Edward," she said disbelievingly. "Where else would you go?"

"I've been accepted to the Jacobs School of Music," I told her resolutely. "I'll be going there to study Composition and Piano."

The hurt and confusion in her eyes intensified. "The Jacobs School of Music? I've never heard of it. But it's close, right? It'll be fine. We'll still be able to see each other all the time."

"Bella…" As I said her name I suddenly felt like I was a hundred years old instead of eighteen, and I paused to try and handle the wave of exhaustion that had swept over me.

"Just tell me," she said in a request reminiscent of someone who just wants the Band-Aid torn off.

So, I took a steadying breath and ripped off the Band-Aid for her.

"It's in Indiana."

I'm posting this chapter as a birthday present to myself. I'm 40 today, so I need to do something that makes me happy. Writing and posting this story for all my readers definitely fits the bill. :)

Thanks to DeltaSwan90 and my2galspal for doing beta duties for me and to Vican for making the Destination Wedding banner!

If any of you have any questions or comments about Destination Wedding (or feel the need to rant about my characters), you can find me on the Destination Wedding thread on twilighted. http:/www(dot)twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=14195&start=0