Chapter 3 Pain

Edward's POV

I don't know how long I had lain there on the ground in the forest near Bella's house sobbing. The hole in my chest was wide open again. I hugged myself and rolled on the wet forest floor. This time it was unbearable. Last time I at least had the illusion that I could come back any time and have my love back with me and it was only a matter of coping with the separation anxiety. This time… oh my god… I felt myself sinking into a tearful mess when I realised that this is the type of heart wrenching agony that she must have felt when I uttered those heartless words. I thought I was doing her a favour by breaking all ties and leaving no hope. I could remember the agony in her face when she asked me 'You don't want me anymore?' I felt a piercing jolt of pain through my dead heart.

The sickening promise I had made her 'It will be as if I never existed' was something I could never keep. I couldn't just erase me from her mind and heart. The only thing that had been remotely good about my never ending existence up to this point had been her selfless love. Oh god, I had not only taken her love away from her and thrown it back at her, I had taken her family away as well.

I felt a small hand on my shoulder. I grabbed hold of her for dear life. I started sobbing cuddling her to me. My little pixie angel who was always there for me whenever I needed her, I felt myself inhaling her scent making sure she was there with me in reality, trying to calm myself.

She whispered in my ear. "I'm so sorry Edward. I didn't see it coming. She made the decision to ask you to leave then and there. There was no time to warn you."

"Alice…I… I'm so… sorry."

My voice was breaking. The image of little Alice crying her heart out on the floor begging me to not leave will be forever etched in my memory with my perfect recall. She lost her sister and her best friend that day. All her visions which had been so clear of them being together forever had suddenly disappeared and she was going insane with the pain. Jasper had been holding her to him trying to calm her down while suffering through his own guilt. I had put my family through hell.

Emmet wouldn't even look at me. His mind kept playing happy scenes with him and Bella and how much he loved her. She was the little sister he never had. Esme was beside herself with worry and concern for me hugging me to her. Her words a repetition of don't leave her Edward, don't leave us. Carlisle was soothing her while trying to reason with me. He kept coming up with different scenarios and excuses for staying.

It was only Rosalie who thought it best to just leave. She was not happy about leaving Forks, but she was happy that the human girl fiasco as she named it was over. She felt sorry for me but thought it best that is was a clean break. She didn't begin to understand what everyone else knew about how Bella and I loved each other.

As soon as I said those fateful words to Bella, I had just left without a second thought to the wreck I was leaving behind. I had ruined so many lives. The irony of it was that they were of the ones that loved me the most. I should end this shameful existence of this monster destroying the ones who dared to love him. I should go to the Volturi.

Just then Alice slapped me in my face with all her might. I was stunned. She got up and started screaming at me.

"Just once Edward, just once in your life think of the consequences before making a decision. Do you think I risked my life and Bella's leaving Jasper behind to save you so that you can walk right back in there? Are you insane? Do you want us to go crazy?" She circled me.

"Do you even understand the depth of the love I feel for you? I left Jasper Edward. Jasper my mate…." She sighed.

"I left him behind knowing that there was a big chance that I would never come back to him. By now you must know how much of a sacrifice that is." I looked at her stunned with dawning realisation.

"I did it for you, to save you Edward and you are thinking of taking your life again without even asking me? No Edward that decision is not up to you anymore."

"Did you even think for a minute about the sacrifice Bella made for you? She left Charlie and everyone she loved behind without a second thought for her life or her safety. I know she would make that sacrifice for her parents as she did for Renee. But she did it for you as well. Can't you see that she still cares for you, even though she may not understand it yet? I think she is confused and hurt. She is more of a walking robot than a human being these days."

She leaned down, and touched my shoulder.

"Edward, you have to give her time. Show her how much you love her. You have to undo the damage you have done. She's not dead, she's alive. You just have to give her life."

I just stared at her. She was right. I was such a fool. I felt I couldn't trust myself anymore. Every decision I seemed to make was wrong. I once told Bella that she doesn't know anything. I'm the one who doesn't know anything, not her. I should trust Alice. If I had just listened to her the first time around none of this would have happened.

A bright smile spread across the little pixie's face….She truly was my angel in disguise. I hugged her to me again.

"I love you Alice, thank you… thank you.. I promise to listen to what you say from now on." I barely got the words out before she hugged me fiercely sobbing and laughing at the same time.

"Love you too Edward." She beamed at me. I ruffled her hair holding her closer and kissing the top of her head.

For the first time since leaving Bella's room I felt myself hoping….. hoping for the best.