A/N: I'm doing it at the top as I've obviously got good news and bad news. Bad news is I've been gone for a year, which was unintentional. Good news, or at least I hope its good news, is I didn't stop writing and have now finished this story with about 130 more pages from where I stopped posting. Now I just have to go back through edit things and post. Sorry about the long delay for anyone who is still reading! It's been a long year and writing has only happened sporadically. Anyway, I hope there are still a few people out there who will read and enjoy! Also I might recommend re-reading at least the last chapter if its been so long you have no idea what's happening anymore :(
"Nanao?"
"Hmm?" she asked trying to focus on conversation. She was out at a bar with Abari, Matsumoto, Hisagi and Izuru, but she really hadn't been there all night. They'd started talking about some interdivision fighting match and she'd quickly tuned out. She didn't even know half the names they were throwing about and frankly she was lost in her own memories.
"Do you want another drink?" Rangiku repeated exasperated.
Nanao glanced down at her still full drink and shook her head no. Rangiku went on with their order for the waitress and Nanao felt a squeeze around her shoulders where Hisagi had planted his arm for the evening.
"You ok?" he asked.
"Tired from training is all," she said doing her best to force a smile and ignore the fact that the first things she'd wanted to say was, I killed a man today.
"Well, we'll just have to take it easy next time," he said with a grin.
"I don't think it's your training that's wearing me out," she said rolling her eyes. What little sword fighting they did during training certainly hadn't helped her much. Not that that could be totally blamed on him distracting her. She wasn't willing to work with her zanpaktou around him so there was very little he could physically do other than fight with practice swords.
He faked a look of deep insult and said, "Well then I suppose I'll just have to be more aggressive." She gave him a weak smile for the insinuation and he kissed her forehead before deciding the problem had been solved and turning back to the conversation. Nanao stifled a quiet sigh and went back to her own thoughts.
Rangiku tried to draw her in to the debate a few more times, but luckily Nanao was always saved by Hisagi giving his opinion first and then looking at her hopeful that she would agree. She found it much easier to do so than to actually keep track of the inconsequential discussion happening around her. Nanao felt jumpy and uneasy and she'd spent a good portion of her time simply focusing on keeping her reiatsu stable and her mind calm. She really didn't want one of Rangiku's well-intentioned investigations into what was wrong with her. Those were almost worse that when Kyouraku tried to get things out of her because there was no distracting Rangiku.
She waited till the next round of drinks before excusing herself to the bathroom and pressing through the crush of people. She got checked hard by one woman trying to shove through the crowd to get to her friends and ended up crashing hip first into a table. "I'm sorry," Nanao said absentmindedly bowing her head before recognizing the occupants. "Kyouraku Taicho, Ukitake-san."
"Alright, Nanao-san?" Jyuushiro asked appraising her quickly.
"Just fine," she said trying to force a smile and saw his eyebrow lift in question. "Just a bit crowded isn't it?" she covered.
"Yes," Jyuushiro said looking out over the moving bodies. "Here with friends?"
Nanao nodded and glanced at Kyouraku who'd simply watched the interaction passively and looked like he was inexplicably on his first cup of sake from the full bottle sitting in front of him. Of course, it could be a new bottle, which was much more likely. "How are the two of you?"
"Doing fine," Jyuushiro said simply and then nudged Kyouraku with his elbow.
"You were never any good at small talk," Kyouraku said simply and downed his cup. "Don't force yourself."
"Shunsui," Jyuushiro chastised lightly.
"Whatever answers you're looking for," Kyouraku said meeting her eyes. "You won't find it in the bottom of a cup, in a bar, pretending it never happened. I should know." Then he got up and brushed passed her, stopping just before leaving completely. "No matter what, I'm sure you did what you thought was right." Then he let himself be swallowed into the crowd.
"How does he do that?" she muttered. "I didn't say anything."
"It's pretty obvious something is wrong, Nanao-san," Jyuushiro said simply, refilling the cup Shunsui had abandoned for her and motioning for her to fill the now vacated seat. Having never really needed to go to the bathroom in the first place she accepted his silent offer. "Don't mind him. He just gets frustrated when he sees you upset and isn't allowed to help."
"He saw me for all of fifteen seconds," Nanao said irritated that the man could still read her so easily.
"You think he didn't feel you go off in the Rukongai earlier today?" Jyuushiro offered with a shrug.
"He did?" she asked surprised. It was stupid of her not to have thought of it before, but of course he'd kept track of her. She still did it to him unconsciously too. They'd monitored each other's reiatsus for years. It wasn't a habit you just dropped.
Jyuushiro hummed his affirmative and leaned back. "We were in the middle of a research operation and he nearly ripped a book apart forcing himself to sit still. Had it lasted any longer I don't think he'd have been able to stop himself from going to you."
"I killed a man today," Nanao blurted out and she wondered again at the utter lack of guilt she felt for having done it. Worried for repercussions on the Higurashi, yes, upset that she'd acted rashly, a bit, but guilty, not particularly. Regardless of what Nobu was, wasn't it just as wrong that she'd enjoyed doing it? That question had her emotions more tangled than anything else.
"As Shunsui said, I'm sure you did what you thought was right," Jyuushiro said with a shrug taking a drink.
"I don't feel bad about it in the least," Nanao said. "Have you ever felt that way?" She wasn't even sure if she was asking for redemption or condemnation.
"I'm not Kenpachi," Jyuushiro said, "but I'm not what Tosen claimed to be either. I have caused deaths I have not mourned."
"But have you enjoy any of them?" Nanao asked unabashedly. Let him know exactly what she was. Someone should denounce her.
"One or two, for personal reasons, yes," he answered to her surprise. "I think I'd very much have enjoyed killing your father too if you'd not beaten us all to it."
There was silence for a little while only broken by the background noises of the busy bar. "Why do the two of you always forgive me everything?" she asked finally.
"Because chances are we've done the same at some point or worse," he said honestly. "We've lived many more years than you, Nanao-san. Dealt in shades of grey for longer than you've even known there were any. No one is perfect. We're given only our own human limitations and forced to make due. You do see it don't you? What he wanted to protect you from all these years?"
"He never could," she said feeling the old anger bubble up hot and thick all over again not having to ask who he was.
"No, but he had to try," Jyuushiro said simply. "He had to do the best he could within his own limitations. He's a killer and he was trying to make it so a little girl didn't have to be. He just picked the wrong little girl, was working with incorrect information. Perhaps he could have done better if he'd known you'd already lost so much. Could have mended things he didn't realize needed mending."
"I couldn't tell him about my childhood," she defended.
"You did the best you could within your own limitations too," Jyuushiro agreed nodding.
"If I find more like the man I encountered today, I'm going to kill them as well," she declared having nothing to say to his last comment.
"Let us know if you need any help," Jyuushiro said with a shrug. "But be careful to toe the line. Losing yourself happens when you aren't looking." Then he got up, patted the top of her head affectionately, and exited the bar. She'd have broken the hand of any other man who dared to do so.
Nanao sat there for a few minutes staring at her empty cup and then gave a short laugh when she discovered there really were no answers at the bottom of it for her. She wondered how often Shunsui had sat staring into his alcohol after killing someone. True there hadn't been too many during her time as fukutaicho, but the Gotei 13 had been a much rougher place when it was first being formed. She'd never really believed the two men that walked within the Soutaicho's shadow had been spared killing people, but Jyuushiro never talked about it and Shunsui was always too busy trying to make everyone around him happier to share such sad memories. At least not with her anyway. He'd protected her even from himself.
"Nanao, there you are," Hisagi called catching her attention as he waded through the crowd towards her. "Are you ok? I thought you were going to the bathroom."
"Slight dizzy spell," she lied to explain why she was sitting at an empty booth and giving him a weak smile. "Must be left over from the concussion."
"Do you want me to take you home?" he asked with a frown.
"Yes," she said, suddenly anxious for another person's company. One who didn't see all her faults and cracks so easily.
"Alright, no problem, let's tell the others we're leaving." They did so and exited the bar to a chorus of whistles and catcalls.
"Sorry Abari is an idiot," Hisagi said when they reached her door after a mostly silent shunpo.
She just laughed and brushed it off, "It wasn't even a very clever innuendo. Don't worry about it."
He smiled and said, "Well, no one's ever accused Abari of being clever." He kissed her and said goodnight as he pulled away.
"Aren't you going to come in for some tea?" she asked.
"Are you inviting me?"
"Yes, that was the question," she said smirking slightly.
"I love tea," he said grinning as he slipped passed her when she opened the door.
"Just to be clear this does not mean you are getting lucky," she said as she locked the door. Although she certainly didn't intend to spend a totally chaste night sipping tea with him either. She wanted someone to help her stop thinking for a while, and she knew he'd be willing enough.
"Never even crossed my mind," he said winking at her over his shoulder as he slipped his shoes off.
Boo gave an aggravated meow and she moved to greet him and get him his dinner. "I'll bring the tea out," she called from the kitchen. She smiled softly to herself when he actually did as he was told and waited for her in the living room. Shunsui never seemed to have the willpower, always coming in to touch and tease and generally make a ten minute task last an hour. She was out shortly and noticed that he hadn't touched anything in her absence besides taking a seat on her couch. Another first.
He took his cup and had a testing sip before flashing her a smile. "This is really good." She took the cup out of his grip and initiated the kiss herself, losing herself in his hands and lips. "Best tea ever," he murmured against her skin.
"Are you ok?" Jyuushiro asked as he reached the roof of his friend's division.
"Is she ok?" Shunsui asked in turn.
"She killed someone," Jyuushiro offered. "She didn't give much more detail than that other than she'd do it again. Tried to offend me by implying she enjoyed it."
Shunsui grunted and didn't move from his lounging position. It would look like he was stargazing if he hadn't tipped his hat down over his eyes. "Did you tell Hisagi?"
"Why would I?" Jyuushiro asked curiously taking a seat next to him.
"The boy obviously had no idea anything was wrong. He should know what to look out for to help her. She gets nightmares sometimes," Shunsui explained.
"Are you going to groom him to be her perfect boyfriend and protector?" Jyuushiro asked. "Because even I'm going to have to say I don't think that's altogether healthy."
"I'm not doing anything besides stepping aside," Shunsui grumbled. "It was just a comment."
"When is Kiyoko-san coming back from her family's in Apulia?" Jyuushiro asked changing the subject.
"Two more weeks," Shunsui said in a dead tone.
"You haven't been drinking as much lately," Jyuushiro commented finally after weeks of wanting to say it.
"Yeah, well Yama-jii's going to assign me a fukutaicho if I fall behind," Shunsui answered the unspoken question.
"And that would be a bad thing?"
"If Nanao-chan ever wants to come back there is going to be a place open for her."
"You can't keep punishing yourself you know," Jyuushiro sighed.
"No one else seems to be willing to," Shunsui said.
"I'd say Nanao-san not taking you back has been punishment enough," Jyuushiro offered.
"If I let myself, I'll just keep drinking myself into a haze for the rest of my days to forget this screw up," Shunsui answered finally sitting up and shoving his hat back in irritation. "What child wants a complete drunkard as a father? But if I let it start, I won't be able to stop it. I won't want to."
"Whatever you think is best," Jyuushiro said glancing up at the night sky.
"Do you think the kid will like me?" Shunsui asked out of the blue.
"Of course," Jyuushiro said with a true laugh. "Children always adore you Shun. Why would you even ask?"
"It hasn't mattered before if they liked me or not," Shunsui said honestly. "What if the kid is like Nanao's cat, and just hates me for no reason? Or better yet what if it hates me for good reason? What if it can't stand me because I can barely tolerate its mother?"
"I don't think its fair to compare a baby to an overprotective cat," Jyuushiro said. "I know you won't listen to me, but there's nothing you can do until the baby is born and then you can only do your best."
"Easy for you to say, you'll only be fun Uncle Jyuu," Shunsui snorted.
"I fully intend on getting the little one hyper on candy right before I give it back to you whenever I baby-sit."
"Mean."
"Getting even for years of detention," Jyuushiro said with a laugh.
"I'm going to be an hour late picking the kid up so it pukes on you," Shunsui declared.
"Great, can't wait," Jyuushiro said shaking his head.
"Yeah, it might be kind of ok," Shunsui said with a small smile at the thought.
"It will be," Jyuushiro affirmed. If nothing else he had no fears that Shunsui would love the child. Regardless of the situation Shunsui wouldn't be able to help himself. He'd always loved children. Often gotten along much better with them than with adults, and while Jyuushiro had known Shunsui was being honest when he'd said he'd wait for Nanao's timing during their relationship he'd also known Shunsui would have been delighted with an accident. This just wasn't the accident he'd been expecting.
"Think it'll be a boy or a girl?" Shunsui asked suddenly.
"Which do you want?" Jyuushiro returned smiling. He was more than pleased to have Shunsui focused on happier things.
"I suppose I should want a boy, but I think I'd prefer a girl," Shunsui said thoughtfully as if it had only now crossed his mind. "I'd paint her entire room pink."
"And having a boy would stop you from doing that?" Jyuushiro snorted.
"Probably not," Shunsui said grinning. "If only to see my father's face when he sees the room. Remember when I dressed up like a girl in the academy to try and sneak into the girl's locker room and he came for a surprise visit? It was worth getting my allowance cut off for three months just for the look of horror on his face."
"You made an awful girl," Jyuushiro commented laughing at the memory. "You got two steps in before they all started screaming and throwing things at you."
"Best two steps of my life," Shunsui said grinning. "And Yama-jii's face was pretty good too when they took me in to him for punishment. He was so disturbed he just shook his head and told me to get the hell out of his office. I didn't even get reprimanded."
"Like I said, hideous looking girl," Jyuushiro added.
"Hey, we can't all be mistaken for the opposite sex so readily," Shunsui said. "You wouldn't know as you don't have that problem."
"Shut up," Jyuushiro grumbled blushing. Shunsui was referring to a time when he'd come to visit the Ukitakes unexpectedly one summer. Jyuushiro had been babysitting his little sisters and they'd decided they wanted to play dress up which mainly consisted of dressing him up like a girl. He'd figured there was no harm in it since they weren't going anywhere and had been thoroughly horrified when Shunsui showed up. He'd had to do Shunsui's homework for a month when they got back to school to keep him from telling anyone. The main problem was he'd been pretty passable as a girl, and Shunsui had never let him forget it.
Shunsui laughed and it was good to hear. "How is Yuki-chan-chan? I keep forgetting to ask about her and the new little one."
"They're doing well," Jyuushiro said smiling. "They asked after you when I went out to visit. Her older two were begging me to bring Uncle Shunsui for a visit."
"Yeah?" Shunsui asked looking pleased. "I'll have to go out soon. Hey, maybe Yuki-chan-chan's kids can have play dates with mine."
"I bet she'd love that, Shun," Jyuushiro said lightly. "Though we're only minor nobles. We tend to get at least a little dirty when we play, think your kid can hold its own?"
"Are you kidding?" Shunsui said puffing up. "My kid is going to roll your nieces and nephews through the dirt. And after she's good and dirty I'm going to take her to visit her grandmother."
Jyuushiro laughed again. "I'm sure your parents will love that. Probably try to get custody at that point."
"Let 'em try," Shunsui said with a dangerous grin. "I hope she falls in love with a Rukongai kid one day too." Then he paused and thought about. "Once she's old enough and has a very long and very chaste relationship."
"Don't tell me you're going to preach chastity."
"Hey, do as I say, not as I do and all that," Shunsui said brushing it off. "I wonder if the kid will have enough reiatsu for the Gotei 13? I don't know if I'd even want them to join."
"I'm sure it'll happen naturally if that's the way its going to be," Jyuushiro placated.
"I'm not going to screw this up," Shunsui declared.
"No, I don't think you will," Jyuushiro said staring up to the stars. "It might even be fun."
"Yeah," Shunsui agreed softly. "It just might be."
Nanao woke with a start and had a brief moment of panic as she felt the weight around her waist restricting her. She was about to fight it before she realized it was just Hisagi's arm. Settling back down she tried not to move too much and wake him up, although he seemed to be a pretty solid sleeper. Usually the moment she jerked from a nightmare Shunsui was there nuzzling her neck and tickling her side and either making her tell him her dreams or distracting her from them so effectively they ceased to matter. How he always knew which method was better for the situation she'd never know.
She couldn't even remember what had woken her tonight. Nanao glanced at the clock and realized she'd only been asleep for a couple hours. The evening had been passed with some intense petting and kissing and she was somewhat surprised she'd made it through with as much clothing on as she had. Hisagi was nothing if not a gentleman. He'd even offered to leave when it'd become obvious they were both winding down, but Nanao hadn't had the heart to kick him out and honestly enjoyed his company when they were by themselves. Besides it was nice to wake up to a warm body once she'd identified who it was next to her. Nanao sighed and burrowed back into him careful not to jostle him too much. After about an hour of trying to fall back asleep she was finally convinced she was just going to be up for awhile.
Twisting softly she managed to get out from Hisagi's arm without waking him up and Boo bounced down off the end of the bed to follow her into the living room. She dragged her finger along the spines of the many books lining her shelf and paused on the book of love poetry Shunsui had given her. He'd dragged her out of the office and made her listen to him read under the cherry blossom trees. It hadn't made her like love poetry any better, but it was a nice memory all the same. She moved on and picked up a book on identifying different plant species, which was pretty dry and would hopefully get her sleepy again.
She spent the next two hours curled up on her couch reading about different leaf shapes and coloring before she felt her eyes slowly start to close again. Contemplating getting up and making her way back to the bed, Nanao found she was suddenly too tired to even think about moving. It wouldn't be the first night she'd spent on the couch after reading a book until she just couldn't keep herself awake. It was one of the main reasons she kept a blanket thrown over the back of the couch, not that there was any need of one tonight, and with Boo purring and curled up at her side there seemed to be very little reason to move.
"Nanao?" Hisagi's voice came hesitantly.
"Out here," she said trying to rouse herself.
"Trouble sleeping?" he asked.
"A bit," she said blinking and finally moving to take the book off her lap and deposit it on the side table.
"It wasn't something I did, was it?" he asked nervously. "I didn't like kick you or steal the covers?"
Nanao gave a soft laugh and shook her head. "I've always had a touch of insomnia," she explained lightly. "Usually a boring book will do the trick."
"Did Ise Nanao just describe a book as boring?" he teased.
"Um-hmm," she said smiling softly. "And you want to know a big secret?"
"Oh most definitely," he said coming closer to the couch.
"I don't actually do paperwork for fun," she whispered covertly.
"Your secret is safe with me," he said. "Are you planning on staying out here?"
"I was thinking about it," she admitted. "It just suddenly seemed like so much effort to get up and go back into the bedroom."
"Well I'm getting cold," he said frowning slightly, which was an obvious lie as it was a warm summer night. "So you pretty much just have to come back to bed."
She snorted and snuggled into the couch further. "Too bad, I'm the perfect temperature and I don't feel like moving."
"Then I'll just have to carry you," he said and reached down and scooped her up before she could protest. Nanao laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck.
"Well now I'm cold and awake again," she grouched halfheartedly.
"I'm sure I can get you warm and wear you out at the same time," he said adjusting her in his hold so that her legs wrapped around his middle and he got a firm hold on her butt.
"You'll just have to do that," she said before kissing his neck and nipping at his bare shoulder.
"Yes, please," he said walking back to her room. She rocked herself against him and smirked as he missed a step. "Do that again," he commanded. Nanao complied with a wicked little grin and found herself more than happy to have her insomnia tonight. He tossed her on the bed and kissed along her collarbone before raising up on one arm to stare down at her. "You swear I didn't steal the covers?"
"I'd have pushed you off the bed and stolen them back," she stated firmly. "Are you generally a cover stealer?"
"It's happened a few times," he admitted with a blush.
"Well, I promise it didn't happen tonight," she said running a hand along his arm. "And frankly right now I couldn't care less about the covers."
"Oh?" he said smirking. "And what are you concerned with right now?"
"I'm mainly wondering what it takes to get you to shut up and kiss me. I mean do I have to flat out say it?" she asked and then thrust up against him, "Or will that do?"
He leaned down and kissed her sliding his hand between her lower back and the bed to keep her firmly pressed beside him. "That'll do," he murmured quickly as he bit down lightly on her ear. "Show me how much you want me to kiss you again," he demanded.
She laughed and obeyed happily. Perhaps everything would be alright after all. Maybe it would even be fun again.
2nd A/N: I know I don't deserve them because of my tardiness, but please review all the same so I know it's worth it to keep going with this after I left you all hanging for so long!