Guardian

by Black Dragon6

Ranma leaves Nerima and joins a special police force. Special in that it's made up of psychos, fools, and nymphomaniacs all charged with protecting Tokyo from the supernatural and terrorist forces that plague its streets.

21. Domo Arigato Mr Roboto

Guardian
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction
by Black Dragon

Who the hell does disclaimers anymore? If someone was going to sue me for doing this, you'd think they'd have gotten me before now, right? I mean, my last "disclaimer" just said "Vote Quimby." And between you, me, and all the other people reading this, I totally wouldn't.

Guardian
Chapter 21
Domo Arigato, Mister Roboto

Hour 1: It has begun. Not to say that this cruel mockery of humane treatment just started, but I can now feel the true pressure building upon me, pressing in against my mind. They seek to cleanse my mind, to make me whole, and to make me coherent enough to perform slipshod brain surgery. I do not know if they will succeed. But I do know that the cost to me will be greater than the worth of that fool Tekai. At least, you know, to me it will be.
Hour 2: What is this feeling? It's awful, like a thousand pistons pressing in on my brain. It's like a hangover, but not quite as painful as it is troubling. The pistons aren't pounding within my head, just... pressing. Like thoughts and feelings and images that surrounded me all the time, once held at bay by a pleasant state of drunkeness, finally affecting me, touching me, pressuring me... I don't like it. I hate it. They will pay for this. They will all pay.
Hour 3: I can feel the last effects of alcohol finally drifting from my mind, like a cooling mist burned away to reveal a scorching sun overhead... no, no, it's more like the effects of a painkiller finally wearing off as the pain starts again. But then, that's hardly an artistic simile as alcohol is a drug itself, and has been used as a painkiller for... AAAH! What's happening to me? So many thoughts, flitting in and out of my mind! I can't focus on anything anymore, and my mind starts to wander. I suspect Yamma is trying to kill me. I also suspect Snake is trying to kill me, but then, everybody feels that way about him. Tekai is probably also trying to kill me, but he's too stupid to do it. Both Tekais, in fact. Maybe Saotome, too. No, wait, if Saotome wanted to kill me, I would be dead by now. Maybe Yamazaki? Yeah, he seems like a good bet. Hunter is my only friend. He'll protect me.
Hour 3.5: Hunter is not a very good friend. In (blood stain) cage and then (blood stain) I barely got out with my arm. I hope we have some Band-Aids left.
Hour 4: I didn't find any Band-Aids, so I disinfected the wound and then stitched it up. It was pretty painful without any anesthesia - I had replaced most of my painkillers with alcohol, which Captain Takami has already confiscated - but I got it done quickly and without any problems. It's kind of odd; I really can't remember a time that I've completed such a simple and effective method of medical treatment. Aren't I a doctor? Well, no, not technically, but I know the ins and outs. Yet I usually just end up just pouring water or alcohol on wounds and then wrapping them up in bandages. Sometimes when people aren't even wounded, but sick. It never really occurred to me before, but I should really step up in my treatments. I'm the only person here even remotely qualified to diagnose, much less heal, the myriad strange and destructive effects our officers are exposed to. If one of them were exposed to a necrotic virus, could I save them? Could I stop a viral mutagen? What about a concentrated dose of radiation? I suddenly feel the weight of my responsibilities, and I am sorely lacking. I must prepare.
Hour 4.1: I've found several resources for conducting successful surgical procedures on the neural cortex, specifically the medulla oblongata, and isolated several key elements in the chemical compound affecting Tekai's brain. I believe I'll have an anti-agent within the hour. Depending on how successful the agent is, surgery might actually prove to be completely unnecessary.
Hour 4.3: I've developed the aforementioned agent. It turned out to be far easier than I thought. Of course, I also find the offending agent to be highly suspicious. This almost seems like HIS work... nonetheless, I've ordered Lieutenant Snake to bring Tekai up here and strap him down. He'll be back to his natural Cro-Magnon state very soon. Apparently, the Lieutenant took issue with having to follow my orders in carting Tekai around. I don't see what the big problem is; it's not like the fool is difficult to handle at all. Yamma claims that it has less to do with my directive and more to do with me calling Snake a psychotic buffoon without provocation. But then, Yamma has about the same brain capacity as the corpses he so delights in working with, so his opinion has no value to me.
Hour 4.3.1: I don't know what's taking that trigger-happy imbecile so long, but as long as he's taking his bloody time, I've put the whole Tekai brain-cleaning nonsense aside so that I can concentrate on something relevant. It's been too long since I put aside my work on human-cyborg applications, and I believe it's time I got back on track. My latest work was on human transference to a positronic core consciousness that could be easily... oh, here he is. Looks like the trigger-happy fool has finally arrived with the mutant fool. Not that I could care less if that blond Neanderthal goes mad and rips apart every idiot in this pitiful facility limb from limb. Especially that Snake cretin who insists on standing behind me and trying to get my attention when I'm clearly writing in my journal. And now he's reading over my shoulder, as if an American could possibly understand Japanese characters of this complexity. Why we invite such pathetic examples of the human species to protect those of us less capable of meaningless violence is really-OW! OW! OW!

Snake shrugged as he pushed away the partially-crumpled piece of paper, sliding it through a small puddle of spilled whiskey and off the bar counter. "And that's all it says. Not much of a journal, if you ask me."
Seated next to the Lieutenant behind the bar, Ranma and Kyle both frowned. Kyle, because he had a vague sense that the scrambled collection of recorded thoughts meant something beyond his understanding, and Ranma, because he still hadn't figured out what he was doing sitting in a bar at ten o'clock when he didn't drink or pick up women.
"So, wait... why did Seras write 'OW! OW! OW!' while you hit him? Why didn't he just say it?" Ranma asked, picking up the slip of paper.
"I have no idea," Snake mumbled, downing a shot and then gesturing for another. "He was just really intent on recording his thoughts, for some reason."
Ranma scratched his chin, perplexed. Then he shrugged and put down Seras' note. "Well, anyway, are you sure you're okay, Kyle? I thought this thing was going to be a bigger deal than getting a needle in the head."
"Well, it wasn't really a needle so much as a drill," Kyle explained, stopping to take a sip of beer, "Seras said that my skull was too thick for any conventional needle to pierce it. And then he said a bunch of other stuff about my skull which I didn't really understand, but which didn't sound very nice." He shrugged. "It really stung for a bit, but he said that I have healing abilities about on par with Hunter, so I'd be okay without any recovery treatment."
Ranma raised an eyebrow. "So he drilled a hole in your head, injected some fluid in there, and then left you lying on the table?"
Kyle shook his head. "No, he drilled a hole in my head, injected some fluid in there, rolled the bed over to the stairs, and then tilted the bed over so that I rolled out of it." He rubbed his head, which was still throbbing a bit. "I guess he was busy or something."
"Busy? Busy with what? Wouldn't he be scrambling to get back to the sake?" Ranma asked.
"We don't know," Snake replied. "Kyle was too busy falling down the stairs, and I was busy watching, so I guess he could've been up to anything before we left. As soon as he was done with Kyle, Tuko holed himself up in the lab. Maybe he found his stash later, but I have no idea what he's doing."
"Well, as long as you're not crazy anymore, that's great," Ranma said, nodding his head sharply. "... Did Seras happen to fix anything else in your brain? You know, as long as he was messing around in there?"
The blond man blinked. "Fix anything else? Like what?"
"Never mind. It was way too much to hope fore anyway," the pigtailed man muttered, idly wondering if he should order some tea or soda so long as he was sitting there anyway.
"Hey you guys! What's going on?"

The three men all looked over their shoulders as Junko entered the establishment, waving cheerfully at her fellow officers.
Ranma and Kyle both blinked in surprise as a man they both recognized stepped into the bar behind the redheaded woman; a tall, Russian man wearing a trench coat, a crucifix, and a stony frown.
"Hey, it's the Catholic dude! What's up, man?" Ranma said cheerfully, waving to the brooding gunman.
Rayden's head snapped upward at hearing the familiar voice, and then he quickly strode forward, stepping in front of Junko to get to Ranma.
When he was within arms reach, the super-soldier bowed respectfully, and then spoke. "I am not in the habit of asking favors from those who are not indebted to me. However, I must beg one of you."
Ranma raised an eyebrow, noting that despite the desperate tone of voice, Rayden still had the same distasteful look on his face. 'Guess his expression doesn't change much.' "Uhm... well, I'll do the best that I can..."
Nodding seriously, Rayden rested one hand on Ranma's shoulder in a gesture of companionship, then pointed at Junko. "Please, convince this madwoman to return my weapons to me; she's kept me at her residence for two days, and will not return my firearms so that I can leave!"
Snake, Ranma, Kyle, and several spectators that were listening in all sweatdropped.
Junko just rolled her eyes. "Oh, don't be such a tattletale! It's for your own good, you know."
"I fail to see what 'good' comes from this foolishness," the Russian growled.
Ranma scratched his head, then looked at Junko. "Well, first things first: are you two dating or something?"
"NO!" Rayden snapped angrily.
"Oh, don't play so hard to get," Junko said flirtatiously, taking hold of Rayden's arm and hugging it. "You know, a good romp would be really good for that nasty, bitter disposition you always have!"
"Please," the gunman said miserably to Ranma, "you must help me."
"Wait, if you're not dating, then why would you bring him to your house, never mind keep him there?" Snake asked Junko.
The redhead sighed. "Well, after hearing about this guy from the Captain, I found out about that record of his. I was hoping that if I could get his story and keep him out of the underground for a while, we could bring him onto our side."
"He already IS on our side," Ranma reminded her. "He's all about killing terrorists and bad guys, right?"
"His warrant says 'shoot on sight'," Junko deadpanned.
"Snake, don't," Ranma said without turning, not needing to look to know that the Lieutenant was already drawing his sidearm. "Junko, look, I really don't know if we can do anything about his legal status. He carries illegal weapons and explosives, kills whoever he wants, and then steals from their dead bodies. I mean, WE'RE all cool with that, but how do you think you're going to get rid of that kind of police record?"
"That's quite irrelevant," Rayden complained, "I'm just trying-"
"Not now hon, the cops are talking." Junko interrupted. "I thought that the Captain could arrange something. She lets us get away with breaking the law in the name of justice, so why not him?"
"We're police officers. He's just some guy," Ranma explained as clearly and logically as he could manage.

Rayden twitched irritably as Ranma and Junko started arguing the point in earnest, ignoring his presence entirely.
"This is a waste of time. I must recover my weapons," the Russian muttered, looking around desperately, as if some random person or object situated in the bar could resolve his dilemma.
Inevitably, his eyes settled on Kyle, and the super-soldier's frown deepened. Slightly.
"You. Why did you attack me before?" Rayden said stonily, stepping up to the blond's stool and glaring down at him. "I bore you no ill will, have done great violence to your enemies, and yet without provocation, you struck me down."
Kyle blinked up at the dark-haired man. "Oh, that. The voices in my head told me to."
Rayden took a moment to digest this answer. Then he took a long step backward and mentally pleaded for a miracle to release him from these maniacs.

"How would the Captain even DO that?" Ranma said incredulously. "She's a cop, not a politician or a judge! We don't have the right to declare someone innocent of killing dozens of people, even if nobody misses them!"
"Yet she can legitimize our acts of theft and pointless destruction easily," Junko noted, holding up her index finger. "I'm just saying that if she could manage that much, it's not much farther to legitimizing the illegal actions of our non-cop friends and allies."
Ranma's eyebrow twitched. "Don't you think we should be RESTRICTING our abuses of power, rather than expanding them?"
"Why? What would be the other reasons to have power?" Snake asked curiously between shots of whiskey.
Ranma sighed. "We're supposed to use our power to protect those who can't protect themselves. And Stone-Face here can protect himself from two-hundred ton giant mecha, so he doesn't count."
Snake thought about that for a moment, then quickly slammed down another shot of alcohol before speaking. "When I went on that anti-terrorism tour, I stole the Pope's hat, and declared myself Pope. I then made the Cardinals compete in mock combat trials for my amusement, and declared the existence of a bunch of fake Commandments I made up myself. Now, personally, I found that a much more satisfying use of power than just helping people. Plus I got to take everything of value from the Vatican before I left, and nobody said anything!"
The others were silent for a long moment. Finally, Ranma spoke.
"You declared yourself Pope?" Rayden flinched.
"Aren't you Jewish?" Junko asked uneasily. Rayden flinched again.
"Eh, it's the same God," Snake said dismissively, "a God which now, by the way, directly supports the NRA through divine prophecy, and has declared Reverend Pat Robertson an arrogant, ignorant blowhard who wouldn't know a crucifix from a travel iron."
Rayden turned to Junko. "Can we leave now?"
"Oh, also, instead of not eating meat on Fridays, the ridiculously devoted are now required to hold paintball tournaments instead," Snake added as the bartender poured him another shot.
"Please?" Rayden said quietly, almost at a squeak. To Junko's amusement, his distress was such that his ever-present frown had actually deepened to a scowl, which was a greater degree of expression than she had ever managed to provoke with all her flirting and manipulation.
"Oh, calm down. We just got here. Sit down, have a drink," Junko said invitingly, sitting down at a barstool and patting the stool next to her.
Rayden fought down several violent urges for a moment, then again addressed the redhead. "I don't drink."
Junko raised an eyebrow. "You smoke, but you don't drink?"
"Snake, don't," Ranma said again, and the aforementioned Texan grudgingly took his hand off his sidearm.
"It is inconceivable why you would go to such lengths to keep me at your residence," Rayden said almost at a growl, his patience for the "quirky" police officers already running thin. "What do you hope to gain?"
Junko sighed. "Well, I just thought it would be nice to have a man around the house, you know? Is that too much for a girl to ask?"
The super-soldier twitched. "I am basing this on a very limited frame of observation, but I would guess you ALWAYS have a man around your house."
"Heh heh! Yeah, I guess I do!" Junko said brightly, grinning. "But it's kinda nice to have one who'll stay at home when I'm at work, you know? And who isn't always bugging me to get down and-"
"AND that's my cue to leave," Ranma said hastily, hopping off his stool and stretching. "Don't really know what I was doing here anyway; as long as we're sure Kyle's okay, I might as well go home and get some sleep."
"T-Take me with you," Rayden muttered, looking miserable as Junko hung on his arm while feeling up his muscles.
"Sorry, I've already got one freeloading monster at my house, and he's hard enough to keep fed by himself." Ranma sighed and scratched his head. "Once I forgot to bring him back a snack from work and he tried to eat the neighbors. I don't really need more of that."
"Well, if we got more engagements on the job, then Hunter could do his snacking at work instead of after," Snake mumbled. "Sissy Freedom Angels, ducking back into hiding..."
Kyle looked up at the ceiling in contemplation. "Huh. It HAS been unusually quiet the last couple days. Wonder what those guys are up to, anyway?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"DESTROY! DESTROY!" Igov shouted in a booming, mechanical voice as his Gatling gun-arm tore long lines of holes all over the walls.
Braa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa!
Covering her ears as she kept her head down behind a large, metal storage container, Alexandra grimaced at the sounds of ricochets off of the relatively thin metal of the containers she was using as cover.
"M-Miss Tokima! There are ammunition supplies among these crates! If he keeps shooting at them..." Bei said in a panic, having crouched down behind a different container nearby, along with several guards who weren't willing to throw their lives away to try and kill one of their most powerful leaders.
Braa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa!
Ptwang! Tink! Dwang!
"What the hell is he DOING, anyway?" Alex shouted over the din of gunfire.
Bei shook her head. "I-I don't know! He just stopped and stared at my iPod for a minute, and then he went berserk!"
"DESTROY ALL APPLE PRODUCTS! DEATH TO THE MACINTOSH! DEATH TO STEVEN JOBS! IGOV KILL!"
Braa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa!
"That DOES it!" Alex screamed as sparks bounced down into her hiding place. "We're getting you a new operating system!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ranma yawned and stretched as he dragged himself out of bed, getting ready to start the day anew.

For Ranma, mornings were not spent primarily to prepare for the day ahead, like most people, but rather, he used it as a time to reflect upon his life, how far it had come, and where it was going.
As he took his shower, he remembered a time when he was rarely exposed to modern luxuries and conveniences. Growing up on the road and in the wilderness, to stumble across a dwelling with proper plumbing was rare. Most of his bathing had been done in rivers, ponds, and hot springs; he hadn't even SEEN a shower until he had attended junior high school. He had never owned an electric appliance until he was seventeen (it was a flashlight). To this day, he did not know how to drive a car, although having one of his own would have been as easy as filling out some department paperwork.
As he got dressed, he thought about the novelty of having an entire property to himself. For someone who had either slept outside or managed to secure lodging at other people's homes, it had been a bit overwhelming to have an entire house just for him. He had never even really had his own room before he left his family, and carried all his worldly possessions on his back. Now he had a private home, a wardrobe, several furnished and largely unused rooms, and most importantly, a fully-stocked kitchen.
As he entered his kitchen to eat breakfast, he noted that Hunter had dried blood on his beak and claws, and that there were a few shuriken scattered about the floor. With a bit of nostalgia, he remembered a time when all the people trying to kill him were psychotic losers with personal grudges and relatively colorful backstories, rather than nameless and largely expendable hired assassins.
"Then again, there was that Wolf guy. I wonder what happened to him?" Ranma thought aloud as he picked up the throwing stars off his carpet.
Hunter rose from where he had been sleeping and growled, which seemed to indicate to Ranma that either the pigtailed man was violating his personal space, or that he was hungry. Maybe both. Ranma never could quite figure the alien out, though it was usually a good bet that giving Hunter food would appease him.
"That's something else I never had as a kid; a pet," Ranma mused. Though Hunter was hardly the kind of pet Ranma would have imagined having as a kid or as an adult, the alien certainly had his uses; besides eating assassins that attempted midnight infiltrations, the zergling also kept all other animals in a two hundred-foot radius at bay, which was important as both his neighbors apparently owned cats.
Finally, as he toasted some bread and sat down to eat, he reflected upon his job, and his purpose in life as opposed to the meaninglessness of his first eighteen years. His entire childhood spent wandering the countryside, learning to fight for no purpose other than his father wanting him to learn. His whole life had been planned for him since before he was born, and frankly, it was a pretty rotten one; who would want, if given the choice, to spend their youth on the road, and then marry someone they've never met and then settle down as a martial arts master teaching from that woman's dojo in order to support your father? Ranma guessed that some people wouldn't mind, but a life like that wasn't for him. For one thing, it was pretty hard to make a living teaching martial arts nowadays, and most of the students people took on were teenagers looking for something to do after school, not serious fighters like him or even Akane.
No, teaching martial arts was not Ranma's passion. And while he certainly didn't mind teaching people to defend themselves, it occurred to him that since he had spent so much of his life in training, it'd make that time spent far more meaningful if he did the defending for other people instead.
Life as a DAPC officer wasn't quite what he thought he'd be doing as a career, but it worked out well; it was far from stagnant, he fought for the greater good (most of the time), and it paid well enough that he could've lived comfortably while supporting his parents, had they not abandoned him for rejecting the path they chose.
Finishing off a glass of orange juice, Ranma got up and removed his jacket from the closet.
"Well, enough long-winded introspection. Time to go to work."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So you're completely better now?" Ranma asked Kyle as the blond man drove him, Sakura, and Hunter down to HQ. "No voices, no homicidal urges, no headaches, no nothing?"
Kyle nodded happily, keeping his eyes on the road. "Yup! I've never felt better! That was way easier than I thought it was going to be!"
"Yeah, it was," Ranma murmured. "In some circles, they'd call that a 'cop-out'."
Sakura, who was in the back seat stroking Hunter's head as it lay in her lap (his body taking up the entire rest of the back seat, and still looking squished) looked worriedly at her brother. "Are you sure you can't remember what they did to you back there? What if there was something else?" Considering the fact that her brother had been genetically altered into a superhuman, Sakura was of the opinion that she was being very open-minded and rational about this most recent turn of events.
Had Ranma given the prospect any thought, he would have mentioned that with all the monsters and mutants they faced on a regular basis, and what with accepting a killer alien as a pet, Sakura would have to have a lot of nerve to reject her own brother because he suddenly turned super-strong. But nobody asked him.
Kyle sighed. "You know, I do remember SOMETHING... there was this little guy who was always around, talking to me. He's probably the guy who did the getenic configuring, or whatever it was. Can't remember his name, though..." He shrugged as he turned into the parking lot. "Not much else other than that. Though it can't be all bad; this super-strength is awesome! Watch!"
Without hesitating long enough for anyone in the car to warn him that whatever he was about to do was probably phenomenally stupid, Kyle gripped the steering wheel and tore it from its base, causing the entire dashboard to shake as it was partially torn apart. Then, as Sakura and Ranma paled, he began to twist the padded aluminum wheel like one might a hose, trying to make it into a fun shape to entertain his co-workers.
"Uh... K-Kyle... s-s-steering... gone..." Sakura said weakly, noting that he had not yet taken his foot off the gas pedal, and that he was no longer paying strict attention to where the vehicle was heading.
Ranma, naturally, was ready for action rather than words, and hoped that Kyle's new mutations were as impressive as he claimed while the pigtailed cop reached back, tore Sakura out her seat, and then opened his door and leapt out, clearing the vehicle just about the time that Kyle had figured out what he'd done.
WHAM! CRRRRUNCH!

"This... is not the way to start my day," Ranma groused, lying on his back as Sakura clutched him in terror, paralyzed.
A stray tire rolled across the lot away from the wreck, and Ranma found himself tracking its progress across the lot, possibly as a distraction to keep him from looking back at the crash.
Then someone's leg lashed out and kicked it over, knocking the tire onto its side and stopping it in its tracks.
"Hi Snake," Ranma said, trying to get up with Sakura still attached. "How are you this fine morning?"
"Better'n you, it looks like," the Lieutenant said casually, his hands in his pockets. Then he turned toward the wreck. "HEY COMMANDER! YOU OKAY?"
There was a loud grunting sound, followed by a the shrill sounds of metal twisting as the huge wad of crumpled steel shook. "Ugh! Y-Yeah... I think I'm okay... Ow!"
A much louder and angrier grunting sound came from the wreck a moment later, and several sharp pieces of metal suddenly exploded outward as Hunter tore himself free of the accident, his body writhing through the crushed vehicle as his claws tore at the small opening afforded to him.

"Eh, they'll be okay," Snake said dismissively, helping Ranma and Sakura off the ground.
Ranma went to work prying Sakura off of him as he observed the crash site. "Huh... Kyle didn't run into the wall or anything... uh-oh. He hit another car, didn't he? Who's was it?"
"Guess," Snake deadpanned. "Don't be hasty, now. Stop and think: who usually ends up paying for our mistakes and incompetence?"
Ranma sighed as Sakura finally gained the presence of mind to let go of him. "The Captain is gonna be SO pissed."
Snake snorted. "Yeah, well her problems can wait. Tell me, have you noticed anything... oh, I dunno, DIFFERENT about HQ today?"
The pigtailed cop winced as a familiar sense of dread overcame him. Then he slowly looked up at the tall structure that was his place of work, making sure to take note of any minor details that one might have ordinarily missed.
Immediately he discarded the whole "minor detail" idea. This was FAR outside of that scope.
"Okay... where to begin..." Ranma murmured uneasily. "The glass double-doors in front have been replaced by iron ones. The windows have all been boarded up. There are little antennae extending from several of those windows. There's a large spire at the top of the tower, and I think someone installed a bigger missile launcher. There's a dark, malevolent cloud overhead that doesn't seem to be moving with the rest of the clouds in the sky..."
"Yeah, okay, whatever," Snake interrupted before Ranma could continue, "I wasn't talking about all that. Look! Somebody replaced my 'violators will be torched' sign!"
"And then there's that," Ranma said, rolling his eyes.
"NOW how am I supposed to explain lighting a person's car on fire because they parked in someone else's space? They won't have any kind of warning!"
"I don't see why it matters; that's never stopped you before," Kyle noted, slowly limping up to his friends from the still-smoldering car wreck.
"Not the point! And what's this they replaced it with? 'Henchman parking only'? 'Minion parking'? And 'Handicapped henchman parking only'? We don't even HAVE any disabled people working here!"
"It's still kind of a nice gesture. The henchmen will feel better knowing that they'll be taken care of if the unthinkable happens," Sakura rationalized.
Ranma twitched. "I think the greater issue here is that someone turned headquarters into their own personal fortress. Not only that, but they did all this overnight. I mean, this place reminds me of Dr. Deth's castle."
"Well, I think we've solved the mystery of who did this, at least," Kyle said proudly, as if having noticed the large bronze tablet hung alongside the door was a product of truly brilliant detective work on his part.
Dark stronghold of Doctor Seras Tuko, evil genius. Trespassers will be used as guinea pigs for mad experiments. Thank you for not smoking. Read the blocky, raised print.
"I don't know about you, but I personally have many objections to this turn of events," Ranma said grimly, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Totally. For one thing, Tuko never graduated, so he is NOT a doctor," Kyle said firmly, wagging his index finger in the air.
"Once again Commander, you manage to grasp aspects of the situation that wouldn't even occur to others," Snake deadpanned.
"Thanks!" Kyle said, beaming.
"That wasn't a compliment."
"Awww..."
Steeling himself, Ranma grabbed the ornate brass ring that had replaced the simple door handle, and then opened the heavy, reinforced double doors, causing a deep and disturbing groaning noise to emanate from the hinges.
Snake sweatdropped. The doors had been installed overnight and they were rusted already?
"Are you sure we should just barge in here like this?" Sakura said, looking worried. "I mean, it is Seras, and he wouldn't hurt us intentionally, but it still might be dangerous in there."
Snake grinned and gave the blonde woman a thumbs-up. "Don't worry about it. You've got the three toughest guys in our department by your side. We'll wrap this up without a problem."

Ranma took the lead as they entered the building, and he slowly crept forward as he scanned the area for traps, being somewhat experienced with the mad scientist architectural scheme.
He grimaced. Where there had been full lighting and clean walls the night before, there were now ornate, half-broken chandeliers, and the wallpaper was water-damaged and moldy with the occasional large bloodstain. The furniture was still there, but it was now dusty and much of it had large cobwebs that stretched to the ceiling.
"What the hell? How'd he do this to this room? Did he actually paint water damage on the walls?" Snake said disbelievingly.
Sakura scratched at one of the dark patches. "Uh-huh. Looks like it. The bloodstains too, I think. It's way too bright a red. And the dust is all sawdust."
Kyle shrugged. "Well, you have to give him credit for trying."
"No, Kyle. No, I don't," Snake said sharply.
Just then, a small bullhorn speaker descended from a spot on the ceiling, and Ranma, Snake and Kyle all directed their attention to it, hoping for an extended explanation for this turn of events.
Welcome, foolish intruders! The speaker blared, the voice obviously belonging to Seras, but possessing a cruel and manic edge that nobody present would have attributed to him normally. I imagine you must be very confused as to what's going on here! Let me assure you that the full scope of recent events are beyond your pitiable abilities of comprehension, and that I shall translate these happenings into terms you can easily understand!
"Thank you! I appreciate it!" Kyle shouted honestly, causing Ranma and Snake to sweatdrop.
Oddly enough, a sweatdrop appeared on the speaker as well. Ah... right. Anyway, the short of it is: I, Doctor Seras Tuko, am now in complete control of this facility and its resources!
"Uh, hello? You never finished school," Kyle said to the speaker. "So, you know, you're NOT a doctor."
Bzzrt! A sharp electric noise sounded from above, and all the police officers looked up to see a small metal rod descend from the ceiling space directly adjacent from the entrance.
BRRRZZZZK! "BLGFFHDRRRLGLLASSIPOFFFG!"
Without further warning, a blue electric beam connected with Kyle, sending high-amperage electricity coursing through his body.
Thud! The blond man fell to the floor twitching, smoke rising from his clothes and hair.
"Oh no! Kyle!" Sakura rushed to the aid of her brother as the voice from the speaker cleared its throat.
"So much for not doing us deliberate harm," Ranma mumbled, eyeing the rod and trying to figure out the best way to disable it.
Now, as I was saying... all intruders will be, as mentioned on the sign, used for my experiments. Of course, if you provide undue resistance and I'm forced to kill you, that would compromise the progress of said experiments. Frankly, that really doesn't work out for anyone, so-
"Whoa, whoa, wait a minute," Snake said, stepping closer to the speaker and coincidentally putting Ranma between him and the entrance, "we're not intruders. We WORK here. Look, whatever you want to do on your own time is your own business, but this is a public facility that we need to provide a public service. Now stop screwing around already, Tuko."
Ha! As big a fan as I am of government-sponsored murder, I've found that this structure fits my needs perfectly! As for your "employment", well, if you wish, you may join me as my personal henchmen alongside Yamma! Otherwise, you may consider yourself "downsized".
Ranma growled and was about to retort with a scathing monologue, when something about Seras' offer struck him.
"Wait... who's Yamma? You hired a new guy last night?"
A distant crashing noise came from the speaker, and a few unintelligible, outraged shouts could be heard in the background.
No! Not now! Get away from-I don't CARE! Get back to work! A tired sigh came from the speaker. Don't worry about Yamma. My point is; join me of your own free will, or I will take you by force. Answer?
Blam! A bullet ripped through the base of the beam projector, and Snake grinned as smoke wafted from the mouth of his pistol. "There's your answer, 'Doc'. Next bullet's all for you." Ranma nodded seriously as his aura began to glow around him, and Kyle frowned deeply as Sakura helped him to his feet.
Ha ha ha ha ha! You simple-minded barbarian! Do you think there's any force of evil in the world more prepared than I to deal with the likes of you? I know you all! Your strengths! Your weaknesses! Your unreasonably quirky and defective personalities! I've prepared for every possibility! Every contingency! For example, I've disabled all the remote bombs in the HQ's foundation.
Click! Click! Ranma and Kyle turned to look at Snake, who frowned deeply as he pressed the button on a remote detonator without result.
"THAT was your first idea for dealing with this? Blowing up the station?" Ranma asked, anxious but not really surprised.
"Second idea," Snake corrected. "First was destroying that electric shocker thingy."
You have no hope! No recourse! No choice at all!
"I do have a question, though," Sakura said, gently running her hand over one of the strings of cobwebs that decorated the furniture, "this is Halloween cotton webbing, right? Did you seriously track down a Halloween surplus store at this time of year and then spend last night mucking up this room?"
The speaker was silent for several moments. YOUR tortuous end will be especially slow. Now shut up and fall.

G-Chnk! At once the floor seemed to collapse inward, and Snake and Kyle immediately plummeted below, shouting out in surprise.
Ranma, having much better reflexes, managed to rebound off of the falling floor section, pushing off with just enough force to make it to the edge left by the trap floor.
Unfortunately, as it so happened, a screaming blonde comrade happened to be right in the arc of his jump, and his normal instincts for being manly and heroic when it really wasn't a good idea kicked in as usual.
As Ranma's arms pressed Sakura's shocked body to him, the pigtailed martial artist found gravity's pull far more compelling, and he quickly went over his options mentally.
'Let's see... 1) Fall to my doom with Sakura... or... 2) Fall to my doom as I throw Sakura to safety. Yeah. Some choice. Stupid heroic instincts.'
With that last thought, and his airborne momentum fading, Ranma repositioned the woman in his arms, and as she shouted in surprise, launched her away.
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"Ow... son of a..." Snake growled to himself as he pushed himself off of the mattress he had fallen on, the metal springs not having done a perfect job of cushioning such a long fall.
'What the hell happened? The floor fell out, and then it felt like I was in some sort of slide... and...' Snake shook his head to try and clear it, and hopefully get his eyes to adjust better so that he could take a look around.
After a moment, Snake realized there was nothing for his eyes to adjust to; what he had thought was simply a result of his disorientation was more a result of the room being pitch black and totally enclosed.
"Okay, so now what?" He said, guessing that Seras had probably wired these rooms so that he could communicate with the prisoners. "That fall wasn't nearly long enough to knock me out, and I'm still armed, smart guy! What're you gonna do now?" Smirking in the dark, Snake withdrew his pistol and quickly swapped out the slightly used clip with a fresh one, easily and quickly completing the procedure in complete darkness, and placing the used clip back onto his belt for later use.
Ha ha ha! Don't think me such a fool; any attempt to apprehend you by force could only lead to the brutal destruction of my servants. I intend to disarm your mind, not your body.
Snake raised an eyebrow. "'Disarm my mind'? I don't read much; you're gonna have to explain that metaphor to me."
Hmph. Fool. Your power is not in your weapon, but in the mind that readies the weapon. The mind familiar with its every operation. That knows how to position the hand to aim, knows the most effective damage area on a target. The mind that can remain calm and unyielding in its destructive intent without fear. Even here, in complete darkness, you could slay any aggressor I could send, could you not? Your mind is your weapon, Snake. The gun in your hand is just a tool; it is the arm that wields it that makes the warrior!
"You were way cooler when you were just a drunken loser," Snake deadpanned. "And you still haven't explained how a dark room is going to keep me from killing you."
Simple. I'm just going to light it up a bit.
Chng! A loud noise heralded the activation of a spotlight on the ceiling, and Snake blinked in surprise as a single beam of light splashed onto the wall he was facing, exposing a single spot about the height of a man in diameter.
Once his eyes adjusted, Snake twitched. On the wall, illuminated by the spotlight, was a familiar-looking poster. On it was the traditional caricature depicting Uncle Sam, except that the figure had a bandage over one eye and one arm in a sling. On the bottom of the poster was the catch-phrase "I want out".
Snorting, the Lieutenant walked up to the wall and tore the poster down. "HELLO! That war is way over! Is this your big 'mind disarmament'? Pansy-ass liberal propaganda? You gonna sing me an anti-war song, Tuko?"
And what if I am?
That stopped Snake in his tracks. "What? Wait... you wouldn't... I mean, there's no way you believe all this, right?"
No one wins in war, Snake.
"Oh sure, a Jap WOULD say that to an American!" Snake snapped back.
Oh-ho! Touche! But I'm not done yet!
The spotlight moved, and Snake flinched as it slowly scanned the length of the wall, revealing more American anti-war posters from every era; there were older ones from the Korean and Vietnam wars, and newer ones proclaiming "No war for oil!" and "Stop the Bush regime!"
Fight the rich, not their wars!
"SHUT THE HELL UP!" The American screamed, raising his pistol to the ceiling.
Blam! Glass exploded from the spotlight as Snake put a bullet in the bulb, and the room was once again consumed in darkness.
You can't hug your family with nuclear arms!
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP, I SAID!"
A song started up in the background, and Snake stumbled slightly as he recognized the beginning of a Dixie Chicks song.
"ANTI-WAR PEACEMONGERING HARLOTS! I DESTROY YOU!"
Blam! Blam! Blam! Snake began to fire around the room wildly, his senses quickly deteriorating.
Save a child; scrap a gun!
"GWOOOARGH!" Snake's vision, previously a flat black, suddenly exploded into unique and unnatural colors as he felt himself start to hyperventilate, his heart pounding with bloodlust urging to be released.
And now for our in-torture movie! A film masterpiece by esteemed political peon Micheal Moore! Please enjoy "Bowling for Columbine"!
Snake's eyes widened as he heard the sound of a projector heat up, its shrill whine piercing his ears through the sound of one of the Dixie Chick's hit singles.
"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
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Okay, look, I don't have a lot of time here, so let's make it quick, okay? I really don't want to have to exercise my vast intellectual prowess against you. It's just wrong. It's like killing a baby seal. While it's asleep. With a rocket launcher.
Kyle frowned. "Seras, why'd you turn evil, anyway?"
The voice sighed. Tekai, get a clue. Most of us are evil in our own ways; we just have various methods of sating those sinful thirsts long enough to accomplish something productive. I mean, Snake has his uncompromising bloodlust, the Captain is an abusive, power-mongering control freak, Saotome is an egotistical simpleton, Yamazaki... well, we all know what his problem is.
"Huh... so what about me?" Kyle asked curiously.
Although stupidity isn't normally considered an evil, yours is of such magnitude that it takes on a diabolical force all its own. In a bizarre dichotomy, your sister is relatively booksmart, but inept to the point that she's more an iron weight for us to drag around with us than any kind of asset.
"..." Kyle cocked his head to one side. "You lost me at the word 'magnitude'."
Okay, fine. You asked for this... A deep breath came from the speaker. Two trains leave Tokyo and head toward Nagasaki.
"GYAH!" Kyle flinched backward, as if struck, and clamped his hands over his ears. "No! Not a word problem! My only weakness!"
There was a moment of silence from the speaker. Okay, that is SO not your "only" weakness. Anyway, one train leaves at two o'clock PM and proceeds at a constant speed of fifty-five kilometers per hour.
"Please! Have mercy!" Kyle begged, crawling around in the pitch-black room looking for escape. "How about giving me an English problem instead? I can do English! Please!"
The second train leaves at three o'clock, but proceeds at a speed of seventy kilometers per hour...
"Can't... take... much more..." the blond superhuman said weakly, slumping against the wall as he slipped into delirium. "Too hard... need paper... pencils down already? No..."
Assuming both trains take a straight line right to Nagasaki, which train arrives first? Remember to show your work!
Thud! Kyle's unconscious body fell sideways onto the floor, little spirals replacing the blond man's eyes.
... Seriously now, that was just awful. I feel dirty...
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Ranma concentrated deeply as his aura built around him, generating a luminescent glow that bathed the room he had fallen into in a low light.
Looking around, Ranma could see he was in some sort of subterranean tunnel, the walls of which were built of algae-stained cobbled stone to give that classic "Castle Wolfenstein" feel. Upon a moment's inspection, Ranma identified the algae as a Mountain Dew solution with an unusual concentration of colored syrup.
Ah, Saotome. Sorry I was so long in getting to you. Your comrades' weaknesses aren't so... straightforward as yours.
The pigtailed man frowned, and started through the tunnel. "Okay, so what's the deal? What are you after?"
After? I'm after power. Of course, getting power can be... complicated. You might have to do things that aren't exactly... what's the word... "ethical". You might have to hurt people that don't really deserve it. But the end justifies the means. Or, in this case, your end will BE my means.
"Yeah, whatever," Ranma continued on his way through the tunnel, not deigning to argue with the DA's newest antagonist.
Ah, indifference. No doubt you think your skills can measure up to my intellect. You think you can take whatever I can dish out. But I'm afraid I don't play that game, Saotome.
Ranma frowned as he reached the end of the tunnel, seeing a heavy iron grate before him in the dim light of his battle aura.
I don't play on your field. I don't play fair. I find your weakness, and I exploit it from outside of arm's reach. You cannot oppose me.
Ranma halted as he approached the grate. "My... weakness?" He stared up at one of the wall speakers uncertainly. "So... you mean my clueless, unassuming attitude toward women, right?"
Oh, yeah. Sure. I'm going to flood that tunnel with amorous females, and make you ignore them until you're unconscious. Moron.
Ranma twitched as he heard a soft, vaguely familiar sound from deep within the tunnel beyond the grate. "You... but... h-how did you find out?" He asked, grimacing as he stepped away from the iron grate.
You fool! Didn't I just tell you that I don't play fair? You think the only resources available to me are the department profiles? You underestimate your fame, Saotome. It didn't take great effort on my part to find all the meaty little details of your life. And while most of it was entertaining but ultimately useless rubbish, I did manage to find a tidbit concerning an obscure and entirely idiotic martial arts technique that has a history of extreme psychological damage...
Ranma began to back away slowly as the noises, now identifiable as the mewing of cats, got closer to the iron barrier separating him from the feline horrors beyond.
And what a weakness! Perhaps not as... characteristic as that of our good Lieutenants, but no less unusual.
"Are you also aware that the technique turns me into an invincible fighter when I get cornered?" Ranma asked desperately, having turned away from the grate completely and started walking down the tunnel in the opposite direction.
Yes, I am. A definite risk, but one that's worth taking. Seeing this... Neko-ken in action would itself be worth the effort I've put into your capture.
"You're crazy!" Ranma shouted, increasing his pace as he heard the scraping sound of the grate opening behind him. "You're just digging yourself into a deeper hole, Seras!"
Heh. We'll see, Saotome.
"Meow! Rowr!"
Ranma froze up as he saw a mouse dart through his legs, and paled as he realized what was coming next. "Oh, crap..."
"MROWR!" Ranma's concentration broke as the first of the cats emerged from the shadows, running full tilt into the curious source of light that had stopped in the middle of the underground tunnel. With his concentration gone, his aura too disappeared, and his hair stood on end as the area was consumed by darkness.
Not being able to see his feline antagonists didn't save the pigtailed man, as he felt dozens of warm, furry bodies rubbing against his legs and feet, a horrifying sensation that brought home the terror of the constant feline mewling.
In response, Ranma did what he always did when faced with horrors beyond man's most terrifying nightmares (and some pet shop commercials). He screamed and ran.

When Ranma brought his full speed to bear - not just his sprinting speed, or running-on-water speed, but his full-blown "there's something behind me that I don't want to deal with, and I'm the freaking hero here" speed - there were few things that could stop him; he'd plow down nearly anything in his way, and anything that refused or was unable to evacuate in time was a regrettable casualty of his panic. People, super-humans, large animals, demons, and motor vehicles alike were pounded flat beneath his feet.
Stone walls were not among those disposable obstacles.
Wow... that's a deep impact crater... Seras said through the speaker, mostly to himself. And with, what, three feet of ground for acceleration? Huh. Oh well, time to get to work...
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Rayden fumed silently as he turned on the television, sitting on top of his coat on top of Junko's couch (he was unwilling to expose himself to whatever bodily fluids had no doubt ended up drying over the cushions).
Another day had passed with no luck in finding his weapons. It had gotten so bad that the Catholic gunman was seriously considering leaving his cache of guns and explosives at this point, though that wasn't a decision he would make lightly. Most of his weapons were either relatively common in the black markets or home-made, but Judgment, his main and ultimate weapon, was completely unique; an artifact among guns that had been with him since his early days of vengeful murder.
First he had to make a final attempt at convincing the lecherous redheaded woman to return his guns and leave him alone. He honestly had no idea what, exactly, she was trying to accomplish by keeping him at her home and questioning him incessantly about his habits, personality, and past. At first he thought she was trying to extract information to incriminate or distract him, but after some thought that didn't seem feasible; he already had enough of a record that he could be arrested and executed without any trouble, and she had kept him at her property long enough to have the entire police and internal military forces of Tokyo surround him. He theorized that perhaps she was trying to dig into his past to try and convince him that his actions were wrong, and to get him to abandon his crusade against evil, but she had offered no criticism of his murderous actions, and after meeting Snake, Rayden had a hunch that he wasn't the worst gun-toting maniac that she had learned to tolerate.
The super-soldier snorted as he flipped through the channels, skipping as fast as possible through the large collection of pornographic channels that his host kept on her cable programming in order to get to the news stations.
"Ohmygosh! I am SO late!" Junko shouted from her bedroom.
Rayden ignored the exclamation, as well as the loud ruckus that followed as Junko tumbled out of bed and burst out of her room, completely naked, before turning and entering the bathroom.
The Russian didn't even turn to look when a bedraggled-looking man stumbled out of the bedroom as well, having at least put on boxers first.
"Junko, what's the big hurry? I thought we might have breakfast together!" The man shouted, not being familiar enough with the apartment to know exactly where his date had gone.
"No time!" The redhead shouted back from within the bathroom. "Captain's gonna have my hide if I'm more than an hour late! Geez! If we'd just skipped the movie and gone straight here after dinner like I'd suggested, this wouldn't have happened!"
"Uh... well, I just thought..." the man trailed off, and he paled slightly as he finally noticed that there was a third individual in their midst. Sitting on the couch, obviously ignoring the exchange, the Russian didn't seem like an imminent threat, but on the other hand, the foreigner was very, very big, and heavily muscled enough that he looked like he could have snapped the newcomer in two (and he could have. With one hand).
"Uhhh..." droplets of sweat began to collect on the man's brow. "Erm... g-good morning..."
"Huhn," Rayden grunted, not being in a good enough mood to feign basic universal politeness. He still had not turned away from the television.
'Okay... he has to know I slept with Junko... so he's probably not a boyfriend or anything... he doesn't look anything like Junko, so relative is out... probably a roommate, right?'
"So... we haven't been introduced!" The man said cheerfully, stepping forward with an arm stretched out for a handshake.
"And if you value your well-being, then you will take pains to keep it that way," Rayden said acidly, still facing the television set as a reporter talked about city-wide reductions in crime in Tokyo. "I've no interest in the affairs of whores. Do not speak to me again, or I shall harm you."
The threats were delivered in a perfectly cold monotone, and Junko's escort of the night found his hair standing on end as his body stood stiff, paralyzed.
'All righty then... so Junko lives with a very violent, very scary man. I knew she was too good to be true.'
"Dang! I am soooooo gonna get it!" Junko complained, emerging from the bathroom fully dressed and with her makeup applied (apparently the current emergency was a common enough occurrence that she kept a change of clothes in there). "I've gotta go! Ray-kun, lock the door after that guy leaves, okay?"
A vein popped up on Rayden's head. "Do NOT address me as 'Ray-kun'." He said dangerously.
Junko stopped, then fingered her lip in consideration. "Hmmm... actually, maybe you should come with me to work! It would probably help if you met the Captain directly!"
"I've no time for your madness, woman," the Russian said in his usual cold monotone, paying rapt attention to the current news story.
"Uh, Junko, I was kind of hoping we could spend the day together today," the boxer-clad man said, inching away from the couch. "Is it possible you could take a day off work?"
The redhead raised an eyebrow, as if the idea was completely alien to her. "Spend time... together? Uh..." then she sighed and shook her head before walking up to her latest boy-toy and taking his hands gently. "Look... um... Tom, was it?"
"My name is Yamada," the man said weakly.
"Right, right. I knew there was an 'M' in there somewhere. Anyway, Yamada, you're a great guy and all, and keeping me up for three hours was pretty impressive, even if I'm paying for it now. But to be completely honest, I'm really not all that interested in you."
Yamada flinched, as if struck. "B-But... I... last night! I mean, when you-"
"Yes, I know, and you're welcome," Junko said soothingly. Behind her, Rayden twitched, and turned up the volume on the TV. "But it doesn't MEAN anything. I'm just affectionate like that. I really don't have any desire to spend more time with you."
"Oh, come on! You can't just dump me like that! Give me another chance! Let me take you out again!" The man insisted, frowning.
Junko sighed and let go of him, shaking her head. "Y'know, I'd really hoped it wouldn't come to this. Oh well."
Then she turned around and hugged Rayden from behind. "Ray-kun, could you do me a favor and make the obnoxious man leave?"
The Russian's face darkened, and the room temperature seemed to drop several degrees all at once.
In response, Junko nuzzled Rayden's ear warmly.
Slowly, as if animated by some outside force rather than his own muscles, Rayden gently pried Junko's arms off of him, and then slowly rose and turned toward his host's unwelcome guest.
Yamada shivered as the larger man approached, though it was hard to say whether it was from fear or from the sudden cold (he was still wearing only boxers). "W-Wait! Hold on! I thought you didn't even like her!"
"I don't," Rayden said coldly, still approaching at the same pace. "But at the moment, I have a need to hurt someone. You happen to be my first choice."
Darting forward suddenly, the Russian super-soldier grabbed hold of the terrified man's arm, and then lifted him straight off the floor, leaving his bare feet dangling wildly a foot above the carpet.
"Lord, forgive me my sin of wrath," Rayden suddenly intoned, holding his free hand over his heart, "and allow me to grant redemption for this sin of lust." Then he stopped for a moment, though he ignored the helpless man's pleading for mercy. "Though I'm afraid that the magnitude of such sin that presides in this abode is far beyond my abilities to purge."
Junko's eyebrow twitched. "Yeah, yeah. Blah blah blah, amen. Would you get rid of him already?"
"Wait! I'll leave peacefully! Please don't-GWAAIYAHRAGHOOWOOG!"
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Junko shook her head as she drove closer to the DAPC station, and once again snickered at Rayden as he brooded silently in the passenger's seat with his arms crossed over his chest.
"It wouldn't kill you to be cheerful every once in a while, you know. You've always got the same grumpy 'screw with me and I'll punch a hole right through your favorite organ' look on your face. It's kind of a downer."
Despite Rayden's best effort to keep himself from indulging Junko in the ridiculous conversation, he spat "It would not kill you to go a full twenty-four hours without having intercourse with a stranger."
Junko frowned, considering the possibility of making a deal. "Hmmm... well, if I agreed to that, would you-"
"NO," the Russian said firmly. "And you and I ARE strangers. I am in your company by your whim alone, not any will of mine."
"See? It's stuff like that," Junko said sourly. "Why do you have to be so rude?"
"Because I am angry, and find your company unpleasant and aggravating," the gunman said honestly, and without hesitation.
"But it's so much fun teasing you!" Junko protested. "Why can't you just lighten up?"
"Because I am your hostage, and being forced to suffer your inane company for no reason that you see fit to explain to me. The simple fact that I have not harmed you, and in fact put up with you at all, is testament to the value I place upon my weapons. And yet you keep them from me on a whim. There are not words to describe my hatred and disgust for you, and yet you continue to toy with me for purposes I do not understand or care about."
Junko grimaced. "Aw, man. Look at that cloud up there. Do you think it might rain?"
Crunch! Rayden crushed the armrest in his grip, and a vein popped up on his head.
'Think pure thoughts. Peaceful thoughts. Catholic thoughts. Death is reserved for murderers.'
Then Junko squinted as she looked out the window. "Wait a minute... is that cloud hanging over HQ? The hell? When'd we get a microwave tower?" She frowned deeply as she turned the corner, coming into full view of her place of work. "Whoa... something is DEFINITELY not right here."
"Does that mean I can leave?" Rayden deadpanned.
"Can you be serious for a moment?" Junko snapped.
The Russian stared at her stonily. She sweatdropped.
"Okay, stupid question. Anyway, no. You're coming with me."
"Why?"
"Because despite your whining, you've been doing what I say up until now, so there's no point in stopping right when you might get to make yourself useful," Junko explained as she turned into the parking lot.

A look around the interior of the HQ lot didn't reveal much more about the situation, and Junko looked tense as she slowly crept up behind a smoldering car wreck that had taken place in one of the unmarked parking spots.
"Geez, somebody did a number on this place... 'henchmen parking only'? Did someone change the rank titles around here?" She frowned deeply. "That's not good. 'Police henchwoman' won't sound good on a resume."
"Don't flatter yourself; you clearly rank among the minions," Rayden said sourly, pointing toward the appropriate parking block.
Junko blinked, shocked. "Did... oh my gosh... did you actually make a JOKE?"
"No, I did not," the Russian said neutrally.
"Oh..." Junko scowled. "Jerk."
"That has to be one of the least offensive terms I've ever been described with," Rayden admitted, again without any trace of humor.
About that time, Junko noticed Sakura sitting on one side of the stairs partition, apparently wringing her hands nervously while Hunter sat on his haunches next to her.
"There's Tekai. And she looks like she has an inkling of what's going on here."

Sakura looked up as a car slowly rolled into a parking lot, and wiped away her drying tears as she stood up and hailed Junko's vehicle.
"Junko, thank God you're here!" The blonde woman cried as Junko parked and then emerged from the driver's side. "Ranma, Kyle, and Snake are all gone! They've been captured!"
"Wh-What?" Junko asked, freezing in her tracks. "That's crazy! How?" Capturing either Ranma or Snake should have taken a small army, a week of preparation, and a substantial quantity of either guts or brains. In addition, while she didn't know how effective Kyle was in combat now that he had undergone genetic mutation, her general impression was that his presence should have helped the two combat experts more than it hindered them.
"Seras set a trap! He nearly got all of us!" Sakura sniffled, and Junko held her hand comfortingly. "Ranma barely managed to throw me to safety, but he was caught too! What are we gonna do?"
"What? Seras did this? Why?"
Sakura sniffled again. "I don't really know, but... uh..." she trailed off as she noticed a huge Russian man get out of Junko's car, his eyes locked on the headquarters building. "Uhm... Junko, who is this?" 'He looks kind of scary...'
"Oh! You haven't been introduced!" Junko said cheerfully. "Sakura, this is Rayden Shikodan, a Russian vigilante. Ray-kun, this is Sakura Tekai, our field medic... technically."
Despite being quite intimidated by the foreign man, Sakura separated from Junko and bowed politely. "Nice to meet you, Mr. Shikodan."
"Why are we wasting time?" Rayden said to Junko, completely ignoring Sakura. "If your best officers have been captured, it is imperative we make haste rather than exchanging pleasantries."
Sakura winced at the icy response. Hunter, who was standing behind her, picked up her unease and stepped forward, hissing menacingly.
Rayden had noticed the creature before, and though he had naturally been quite curious as to what it was, had decided to tolerate its presence in the same manner as the women. Now that it seemed to have taken exception to him, however, he stared down at the clawed alien, raising an eyebrow.
"Hunter, wait! He's on our side!" Junko said quickly, not wanting to see her new housemate eaten right when he was needed most.
"Hmmm..." Rayden continued staring mutely at the zergling. Hunter growled back, and then snapped his beak fiercely, prompting Junko to flinch away and cover her eyes.
Then the zergling slowly calmed, his growl trailing off as the alien lowered his claws and head.
Junko and Sakura blinked as Rayden and Hunter simply stared at each other, neither one making a sound.
"What's going on?" Sakura whispered.
"I'm not sure..." Junko mumbled. "I think... I think they're sizing each other up."
Eventually Hunter let out a sharp snort, and then turned back to Sakura, looking up at the blonde impatiently while waiting for orders.
"Wow. Rare to see Hunter back down from a fight," Junko murmured, rubbing the back of her head.
Rayden continued staring expressionlessly at the zergling. "Such an... unusual manner of beast you keep." Then he turned back toward the redhead. "Such creatures are empowered by fear. Fear denies faith. It cannot harm me."
Both women sweatdropped. Sakura turned toward Junko and leaned in to whisper again.
"Is he always like that?"
"Yeah, kinda. He's a bit heavy-handed with the religion thing."
Rayden stood stonily at attention, easily overhearing their conversation, but ignoring it. "As I said, we should act quickly. I require armaments."
"Armaments? Like guns?" Sakura asked, fingering her lip. "Uh... well, we'd have to go in to get weapons from the armory. Which we can't really do... I don't carry any weapons off-duty."
"Me neither," Junko said apologetically. "I mean, we're allowed to, but why would we? We never go anywhere dangerous. That's more Snake and the Captain's thing."
'This is clearly penance for my sins of blood,' Rayden thought as he stared coldly at the two embarrassed police officers, 'that in a city experiencing more violence and danger than ever before, I stand with the most foolish and timid officers of the peace at my side.' "Captain Takami," the Russian said suddenly, "is she already captured, or can she assist us?"
"W-Well, I'm not really sure," Sakura stuttered. "She should have been captured, though; she's always the first one here in the morning, and her car is here. Or was here, before Kyle ran into it. Same with Tycho, who usually drives Tiro to work."
"Then there is no other option," Rayden murmured gloomily, though inwardly he was actually quite pleased. "You must relinquish my weapons if I am to take back this facility."
Junko frowned, and her eyes narrowed. "Now wait just a minute! You're planning on just leaving as soon as you get your hands on your guns, aren't you?"
"... Not anymore," Rayden responded stonily.
"Junko, just give him his gear back!" Sakura insisted. "If he ditches us, we'll be no worse off than having him here without any weapons!"
Rayden remained silent. In truth, he was quite an effective hand-to-hand fighter due to his genetically enhanced strength, but he wasn't about to mention such a thing when he was on the verge of recovering his guns.
"Oh, fine!" The redhead finally agreed, though she looked very unhappy about it. "I'll give you your weapons back! But only if you promise not to leave until we've taken back HQ!"
Rayden nodded. "I swear upon my lord and savior."
"Fabulous," the redhead mumbled, obviously unhappy about the deal. "C'mon, get back in the car. It's a bit of a trip."
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"Ugh... the hell?" Ranma mumbled, his vision blurry as he slowly regained consciousness.
Once his throbbing head got reaccustomed to the idea of being awake, the pigtailed man immediately took stock of his situation; he seemed to be bound with chains that were shackled to his arms and ankles, and stretched out on a long metal table that was held up at an angle. The chains held his arms straight enough that he couldn't get enough leverage to break them. He was fully clothed, and didn't have any apparent injuries other than the self-inflicted concussion.
"Okay... this isn't so bad. I've woken up to worse," Ranma rationalized, expanding his focus to his surroundings.
He was being held in a large containment vault, with the walls made of solid, shiny steel, and several unidentifiable machines and monitors surrounding his accommodations.
On his right was a large steel slab, exactly like the one he was lying on.
On the steel slab was a body, exactly like the one he was currently inhabiting.
"Fine. I've still woken up to worse," Ranma muttered, staring at the other, unconscious Ranma, "though this just made my top ten."
"HSSSSSSS!"
Looking down toward his feet, Ranma twitched as he saw a black, slithering form slide out from underneath his table. As the form rose up to look at him, the captured officer beheld a large, inproportionate mouth full of sharp, jagged teeth.
"Okay, we're in the big five now," Ranma said as the creature started to slither up along his leg. "But this still isn't as bad as waking up cold and soaked next to Shampoo when she was trying to kill me with Akane standing over me. At least I'll get to die dry and male. That's really all I ever asked of life."
"Ssssss..." the strange, monstrous worm worked its way up Ranma's torso, and then lifted its head up to face the pigtailed man.
The beast opened its toothy maw, and Ranma heaved a miserable sigh as it lunged forward for his forehead.
ZAK! The worm glowed brightly for a moment as a lightning bolt suddenly struck it from behind with pinpoint accuracy, and Ranma winced as the entire creature disintegrated into ash right on his chest.
"Ah! At last, you're awake!"
Ranma turned his head back toward the vault entrance, and his eyes narrowed as Seras approached haughtily as he placed a small remote control in his pocket.
"I see you've noticed your little friend there; no doubt you're quite curious as to what he is and what I intend to do with him."
"The worm thing, or the... uh... the me?"
Seras sweatdropped. "The copy on the table."
Ranma shrugged as best he could while so tightly bound. "Eh, I could care less. What I'm more curious about is to how you built all of THIS," he jerked his head upward to indicate that he was referring to their immediate surroundings, "in a single night."
"I didn't, really," Seras mumbled irritably, slightly hurt that Ranma found the out-of-place vault more interesting than his personal creation. "As I said, I'm privy to knowledge far beyond the feeble and carefully manipulated records of our networks. There's far more to the DAPC than you realize."
Ranma blinked in surprise, but remained silent.
"You see, our organization used to be much more than a simple collection of fools forsaken by our legislative patrons. So much more. Before the second World War, the DAPC, though it wasn't called that then, used to be a feared and respected secret enclave of government enforcers. Rather than seeking out hostile disturbances to quell them, these men and women sought out these unnatural things to leash them."
Ranma nodded slowly. "Like what we did with Hunter?"
"Uh... not quite, but close enough," Seras admitted. "This organization carefully isolated abnormal disturbances and captured them, and then experimented on them to create frightening weapons and horrific mutant warriors. And then they would test their creations on dissidents and officials who opposed them. Their forces struck chaotically, at times killing a single target with impossible efficiency and stealth, while other times they annihilated entire towns in brutal, sadistic bloodbaths."
Seeing that Ranma was starting to look bored, Seras decided to skip the rest of his description of their techniques. "Anyhow, this mysterious organization had their base in Hiroshima, and consequently, was suddenly vaporized with most of their assets, records, and key personnel right before the end of the war. The new government, which the Americans forged into a proper democracy, knew it wouldn't have the centralized power necessary to control this group if it ever returned to its former glory, and gave it the axe, hunting down most of those involved and killing them."
He gestured to the room around him. "When the number of abnormal disturbances warranted the establishment of the DAPC, someone thought it would be fitting to put the HQ here, where one of the old organization's primary holding facilities used to be. Of course, no one could know about these vaults, or questions would be raised, and demolishing reinforced metal structures would have cost too much and likewise raised questions. So they simply placed the foundation atop the underground tunnels and vaults, sealing them in concrete."
"Why did the government care if we found out?" Ranma asked, "I mean, if this old DAPC is dead, what do I care if they wanted to get rid of it and gave us the leftovers?"
"You poor, naive fool," Seras murmured, shaking his head. "Every government that isn't tyrannical enough to openly abuse the populace has quite a bit of dust swept under the rug. Ours more than most. Once you find a little bit of dust, one can't resist pulling up the rug a bit further."
Ranma remained silent for a moment. "... That's a really lame metaphor."
"Shut up. Are you ready to hear about your double on the other table, or what?"
Ranma frowned. "Well, I can't sense any ki from him, so he's not a clone. I doubt you'd just dress up a mannequin that looks like me and put him there to make me THINK you're doing evil sciency stuff..." he considered that for a moment, "although that wouldn't be COMPLETELY out of line with the fake wear and tear you set up around here. Even so, I'm going to guess robot."
Seras fixed the pigtailed man with a neutral expression. "I see. All right Mr. Smarty-Pants, was there anything else you'd like to divulge about my plans, since you know them so well?"
Ranma thought about it for a moment. "Well, it's probably made to copy my abilities; otherwise you'd just have a robot who could pretend to be me, which is pretty useless since I'm nobody important. And given how you've tried really hard to stick with the evil scientist stereotype, you're probably going to do something really lame to make it act like me, like taking out my brain and putting it in the robot."
"Ha! Not true!" Seras said, pointing at Ranma suddenly as he grinned. "I'm simply going to insert your head into a neural-net interface and transmit the data from your brain into the android's cybertronic neural network!"
Ranma frowned, trying to root through the big words to get at the meaning. "Okay, so you're doing the electronic version of what I just said. Plus I get to keep my brain. Swell."
Seras was silent for a long moment, his smile vanishing. "For someone completely at my mercy, you're being awfully rude."
"Yeah, I'm told I have problems with that," Ranma said. "So, can we get on with the stupid brain transfer thing? I'm getting bored."
Seras twitched, and then turned around, grumbling irritably.

Ranma watched as Seras shuffled over to the entrance, and remained silent as the apparently evil scientist hit a combination on the security keypad on the wall.
A loud grinding noise echoed throughout the reinforced chamber, and the huge, circular vault door slowly rolled out of the way, allowing the DAPC's medical expert to walk through.
The grinding noise returned as the vault door closed, but Ranma was no longer paying attention.
'Heh. Arrogant jerk. Didn't even remember to block my view of the keypad.' Ranma grinned as he repeated the door code over and over in his head like a mantra, committing it to memory as he concentrated on building up his aura.
'Okay... just a one little ki blast, and I'm outta here!' His aura began to build to the visible spectrum, his confidence in himself and his power becoming a physical force in and of itself.
BRAAAP! BRAAAP! BRAAAP! WARNING! KI FORCE DETECTED!
Ranma winced as his concentration shattered, and then blinked in surprise as he heard what the alarm was blaring.
PRISONER PACIFICATION UNDER WAY! SECURITY AUTHORIZATION LEVEL ALPHA INITIATED!
The pigtailed man winced as a rod popped out of the ceiling and lowered itself over him while generating arcs of electricity that arced around the weapon menacingly.
"Ah, yes. I think I know what happens next," Ranma mumbled miserably.
BR-R-R-RZACK! "GYAH!"
For a short period of time, the only sound in the room was Ranma's groans atop a whispered hissing noise from his sizzling flesh. Then the loudspeaker above activated.
Ah, I see you tried to escape while I was gone. That was fast.
Ranma glared upward. "Where the hell did you get a ki detector?"
I didn't. It would seem this room was used once upon a time to hold experimental subjects who were able to project their... "life force," for lack of a better term, into a physical kinetic energy. Primarily, a group of warrior Chinamen called the Musk.
"What, we didn't have enough weird crap here in Japan? We had to import some of it?" Ranma asked.
Okay, seriously. Knock it off or I'll kill you.
Vrrrrrr... Ranma watched as a hatch opened up above his head, releasing a long mechanical arm with a rounded plate at the end. The arm slowly lowered itself toward his head, and Ranma frowned.
"Have I mentioned you won't get away with this?" The pigtailed man said suddenly.
To his surprise, the arm stopped.
Huh? Why not?
Ranma blinked. "Well... actually I was just saying it because I'm the hero and I'm supposed to say those kinds of things, but if you think about it you really are gonna regret this."
How am I going to regret it? What are you gonna do down there?
Ranma shrugged. "It's not necessarily me. You've also captured and pissed off Snake, Kyle, and Asuka. You're trying to run an evil laboratory in the middle of a city with military-grade police forces. And Sakura and Hunter escaped capture, and are probably trying to rescue the rest of us right now. There's all sorts of stuff that can go wrong, and all any of us need is just a moment of opportunity to escape and get to you."
The speaker was silent for several moments. That's an interesting analysis, but to me the odds still seem to be overwhelmingly in my favor.
"They always do. I'm just saying, if you wanna play this mad doc thing to the end, you're going to lose. That's just the way it works. Remember that Deth guy? Totally got him. Blew up his whole castle, in fact."
You're just clinging to a futile hope. The arm started to lowers itself again, slowly settling itself over the back of Ranma's head. I control a veritable fortress with extensive defenses and a force of robots with all the skills and abilities of the most infamous band of destructive lunatics in Tokyo. And to top it all off, the only people in a position to stop me are a pair of weak, incompetent women and a single zergling.
Sparks began coming from the dish placed against the back of Ranma's head, and he let out a strangled cry as he felt a needle suddenly stab into his skull.
Brrrrrrrzt! The device activated, and Ranma thrashed about helplessly as he was wracked by intense pain.
Yes, I really see no need to worry. I hold all the cards in my hand. What could possibly go wrong?
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Ch-chak! Rayden pulled back the slide on Judgment's secondary ammo hold, and a long belt of .50 caliber ammo slid loose and fell to the hard concrete floor.
"Wow... why do you have a storage garage, exactly?" Sakura asked, looking around the small garage interior. The area was littered with firearms and crates of ammo, along with an old, mostly wrecked police car on one side.
"I don't, technically," Junko explained, arms crossed over her chest. "When the guys looted HQ after we were disbanded, they put most of our stuff here. Then they gave me a key so that I could root around the computer inventory they took. They never asked for it back, so I never gave it back."
"Why are there so many weapons? These aren't ALL his, are they?"
Junko shrugged. "Well, when we were reinstated, Snake mostly refurbished the armory with new gear. So even after taking some stuff for his... uh... cave, he had a lot of surplus. And even HE wouldn't go so far as to sell weapons on the criminal market."
"I have all that I need," Rayden said suddenly, having listened to the two women's conversation but not really caring about the particulars of the cops' immoral private ventures. "Take weapons for yourself, and then we can depart."
Junko sweatdropped, and bit her lip nervously. "Uh... yeah, about that... I'm really more of a 'cheerleader' than a 'player'. I was kind of hoping you'd do all the dangerous hurty stuff."
Sakura nodded gravely. "And I tend to get in the way a lot less when I'm not trying to help. I think it's for the best that I not take a weapon."
Rayden's eyes narrowed, and he took a forceful step forward, causing both women to flinch backward.
"You will listen to me, now," he said coldly, his gray eyes boring into them, "I am not going on this venture into a dangerous, unknown enemy's territory on your behalf while the two of you remain behind in some armored haven awaiting the fruits of my bloody efforts. That I have not taken my weapons and left is testament to my adherence to my sacred vow. I do you no favors; you will arm yourselves, and you will follow me into battle."
"O-O-O-Okay!" Sakura squeaked, latching onto Junko and trembling in fear.
Junko, for her part, was apparently unfazed, and gently patted Sakura on the head with one hand while planting the other on her hip defiantly. "Don't get all bossy on us, mister! We're just girls, y'know!"
"Your captain is 'just' a girl as well," Rayden replied stonily, "and a hardened soldier of paramount ability. Yutchzky himself would give much to have a man among his army with equal fortitude."
"Hmph," Junko pouted and crossed her arms over her chest. "Fine, fine. We'll go with you. But in our defense, odds are three to two that Cap's a lesbian."
"I thought it was two to one?" Sakura asked, frowning.
"Naw, she keeps sneaking glances at Saotome when she thinks we're not looking. Tiro's bi theory is gaining credibility."
Rayden twitched. "Less inane chatter, more preparation."
"All right! All right! Yeesh..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Achoo! Oy. Somebody must be talking about me," Asuka murmured, idly wiping her nose with her sleeve as she continued a close examination of the cell lock.
Behind her, Tiro and Tycho stewed silently as they watched the captain's efforts, each one lost in thought.
'What a gyp! Not only did we get captured and get copied into robots, but that jerk Seras had to put Tycho in here with me and Asuka!' Tiro groused, sneaking a quick glare over at the brooding driver. 'How am I supposed to instill hope and a deep emotional-and-eventually-sexual bond with her with this loser right in here with us?'
Tiro averted his eyes away just in time to miss Tycho's glare at him.
'What a drag! Not only did we get nabbed and experimented on by that nerd Tuko, but he had to shove Tiro in here with me and Asuka! How am I supposed to reassure and charm her with this dork in the same cage?'
'A hostage situation completely wasted. This bites,' both men thought, both snorting irritably as they went back to staring at Asuka's backside.
The bluette shook her head as she backed away from the lock. "No good. This thing can't be broken or picked without the proper tools. Actually, it probably couldn't be broken even with the proper tools. They made these locks to survive just about anything." She wiped her forehead as she looked around. The containment facility they were being held in was one of the lower-security ones, which simply meant that they were being kept in large electrified cages with thick, reinforced bars instead of actual armored (and in many cases, warded) vaults with their own security systems. Kyle was in one such vault, and the distant pounding noises that had informed them of his attempts at escape had ceased several minutes ago.
"Well... don't worry Cap! I'm sure something will turn up!" Tiro said hesitantly.
"Yeah! We'll get an opportunity to act! Or... Or someone will rescue us! I'm sure of it!" Tycho piped up, sneaking a hostile glance at Tiro as the lecher did the same to him.
"Pipe down, you morons," Asuka mumbled as she rubbed her chin, causing both men to wince. "What I need now isn't optimism; I need ingenuity."
"Well... uh..." Tiro scratched his head in confusion. "Ingenuity is sort of YOUR department, you know?"
"I said pipe down," Asuka said sharply. "If Saotome, Snake, or even Kyle were in here, I could work something out." She grit her teeth. "This sucks! Not only did we get captured and robo-cloned by our own medical officer, but he had to room me with the two most useless morons in the squad. How am I supposed to work out a plan with you cretins for my support?"
A vein popped up on Tiro's head. "Y'know, at least we had the courtesy to keep our rude thoughts to ourselves."
"Besides, we're not all that bad," Tycho tried, "I mean, you could be stuck in here with Junko and Sakura instead."
"Being stuck with two useless women is quite an improvement over two useless men," Asuka groused, well aware that her two cellmates had been staring at her constantly since their imprisonment.
Tycho frowned, then turned toward Tiro. "I think your bisexual theory just took a hit," he whispered.
Thwack! Apparently he hadn't whispered quietly enough, and the driver clutched his stomach in agony after Asuka removed her boot from it.
After giving a heated glare at the ponytailed man, she turned her attention toward her other subordinate. "Tell me, what is this 'bisexual theory' that you have about me?"
Tiro rolled his eyes. "Look, we could spend all day going over the various incongruous rumors that me and Chikiko create about your sexual preferences, but really, your violent energy would be much better spent on getting us out of here."
"You're absolutely right, and that just makes me want to hit you more," Asuka admitted, rolling back one sleeve as she balled that hand into a fist.

A sudden, heavy grinding noise halted the impending violence, and Asuka whirled around as the heavy, reinforced steel door that led to the main hallway slowly opened, allowing several men to enter the containment area.
At least, they would seem to be men (and a woman) to any random pedestrian on the street. But seeing Tiro, Tycho and Asuka enter the room carrying a gagged and bound Snake between them hardly fooled Tiro, Tycho and Asuka.
The robot Tiro put a card into the electronic lock, and then the heavy gate opened, allowing the others to toss Snake inside the cell.
Snake writhed about violently, and somehow managed to loosen the gag enough to force it down under his chin. "You cybernetic bastards! You won't get away with this! I'll destroy you all!"
Robot Asuka rolled her eyes. Robot Tiro and Robot Tycho flinched back; they possessed all the memories of their biological counterparts, and they knew what usually happened to those who angered the DA's weapons specialist.
"You're not destroying anything from that side of those bars," Robot Snake said, chuckling as he entered the facility.
The real Asuka groaned. "There's two of them. Dammit, I hate it when there's two of them.
"A-Are you sure he's not hiding anymore explosives or anything?" Robot Tiro asked, backing away from the closing cell door nervously.
"Yeah. We thought he was disarmed when he was on the table, but..." Robot Tycho trailed off weakly.
Robot Snake waved it off. "Don't worry. I've got his memories; I know where I keep everything!"
"Traitorous droid!" Snake yelled, sitting up, "Don't think you'll escape my wrath just because you're so awesome!"
"Heh. No matter how unbelievably cool you are, you won't get away from us!" Robot Snake replied.
The real Snake considered this. "Touche. It would seem you're truly the paragon of mastery and wit you appear to be."
"I only have the utter perfection of the original to thank for that," Robot Snake said, grinning.
"Can we move on with this, please?" Both Asukas said.
After sharing a glare with the original, Robot Asuka shoved Snake away from cage. "Go back to Master Tuko for briefing! He'll have plenty of tasks that require your particular... skills."
Robot Snake nodded and walked out of the vault door, and Robot Asuka tracked him the whole way, her eyes narrowed.
"This was a bad idea," the cybernetic captain mumbled. "Making us exactly like the originals makes Robot Snake and Robot Kyle almost as dangerous to Master Tuko as the originals. More dangerous, actually, given that the originals are contained."
The robotic woman noticed that her origin was looking at her, and she glared at her again. "What?"
"It's... It's just so weird hearing common sense come from somebody other than me," the human bluette said, rubbing her chin.
"Get used to it," the robot snapped, "there's a new captain in town, and she's-"
"Subservient to the nerd that used to be the department drunk," Asuka interrupted, smirking.
Robot Asuka stood frozen with her mouth open, and slowly her expression shifted into a glare. "You win this round, meatbag." Growling, she turned toward the other two robots. "Tiro! You guard the cells. With Snake in here extra security is necessary. Tycho, you're coming with me. Robot Ranma should be ready for operation soon, and he can help capture Tekai and Chikiko. Then we've got some OTHER work to do."
The robot officers nodded obediently, and Robot Tiro stood rigidly by Snake's cage as Robot Tycho and Robot Asuka left the area.

Asuka's smirk slowly vanished, and she went back to stewing silently as she gazed at the DA's weapons officer in the cell across the walkway.
"Pst! You can get us out of here now, right?" Tycho whispered, scooting up next to his captain. "I mean, with Snake in the room, you can make a plan like you said, right?"
"Shut up!" Asuka hissed. "That's exactly what I'm trying to do! But it's still not easy! He's not in here with me, and security has tightened!"
"Well, y'know..." Tiro scooted up closer to Asuka than Tycho was, and the driver's eyes widened as Tiro actually slipped his arm around her shoulders. "Maybe we can provide a 'distraction'. You know, give Robot Tiro a good show, and see what Snake comes up with? OW, MY HAND! TWISTINGHURTBONEBENDINGWRONGBAD!"
Asuka tossed Tiro's arm away, and glared at Robot Tiro, who snickered. "God, is there ANYTHING that can take your mind off sex?" She asked the real Tiro, turning her head away as she squatted with her arms folded over her chest.
Tiro whimpered as he massaged his arm gently. "Yeah... two things, actually. Old people and dogs."
Tycho raised an eyebrow. "Dogs? Why dogs?"
"I dunno." Tiro frowned. "There's just something about furry, slobbering canines that makes me want to pet them instead of the chick I'm with. Just thinking about a German shepherd or rottweiler makes little Tiro go soft."
"Hey, stop talking about your privates for a minute," Asuka murmured quietly, marking the end of an unusually long silence for her.
"Why? Finding out that Yamazaki likes dogs more than women is the most interesting thing we'll probably ever know about him," Tycho pointed out, turning back toward his lecherous friend. "So, do you molest the dogs, or-"
"WHAT! No!" Tiro shouted, causing Robot Tiro to jump slightly in surprise. "They're just pets! What kind of sick animal do you take me for!"
"I think it's pretty obvious what kind of sick-" Wham!
Both men cried out and then mumbled curses as their heads were pushed together, causing their foreheads to impact each other painfully.
"I SAID shut up, you cretins," Asuka hissed, stealing a glance at Robot Tiro, who was staring at them curiously. "I have a plan."

No kill count this time. Sorry.
End Chapter 21