Act VI: Break
Inside there are places where I can feel.
Torn from my body, my flesh it peels.
During this ride, we can cut up…
What we like...
Break…
Break…
Confusing what was real. Nina awoke to the same old story. The same story that had been coiling around her neck… that invisible snake that was constricting her every breath. For a few seconds it was another jumbled mess. No matter how hard she fought, just like her ruthless practices in the ballet studio, the elements just wouldn't come together. Fragments of what she smelled, what she heard, what she felt, and what she saw didn't make a cohesive thought.
Remembrance. It smelled like the room of a sweet young girl, a girl she knew actually very well. The sheets were familiar and soft too, that same smooth fabric that was tucked under her chin by her mother before she would sleep. That music. The music in her ears. The one that accompanied the toy ballerina in the music box, playing softly in the background like a soundtrack to her life, spinning endlessly on its toes.
It never stops…
Just like you never stop.
Nina felt a buckle and then a solid shake, the bed springs rustling underneath in tidy squeaks. The presence couldn't be denied. She was in her room… but she wasn't alone. On cue her nose caught a breeze of an intoxicating sweet perfume, an alien scent tangling with all she was familiar with. It was the warmth of a breath. She could feel the breath on her as if there was a face inches away. And when Nina felt a hand brush up against her cheek she knew who it was.
Lily…
There was no time to think. Lily never lets her think. Her lips were like soothing fire and piercing ice. Succulently warm but painfully cold. Lily's mouth wouldn't be denied either way and Nina as usual didn't question it. Teeth gently chewed on her bottom lip, tongues wrapped around each other in delight as Nina gasped, feeling hands travel down her waist.
Waiting alone, I cannot resist.
Feeling this hate, I have never missed.
Please someone give me a reason…
To rip off my face…
** She tossed me on the bed. She took advantage of me. She licked me… it felt so good...**
The sensations suddenly stopped but it wasn't because of some unknown force. For once Nina knew what she was doing. Letting out a deep breath as somehow deep down she knew it wasn't exactly the way it was supposed to be. She stares at those winged tattoos for confirmation, watching them pulse and curl as if they were alive. In an instant, in her firm grasp were those two curious hands, clutched by their bony wrists, Nina staring at what she knew wasn't Lily.
Lily was warm. Lily tasted sweet. Lily cared about her.
This thing was none of these.
"I know it's you…" Nina whispers to the false face of her friend, eyes as defiant as ever. The one on top of her smiles a devil, giggling like a little girl without moving her mouth an inch. It was disturbing, watching it glance up and down, Nina being the tasty treat beneath her. Nina suddenly notices the face shift like a melted painting, a dark rendition of a mirror image gone wrong returning her stare. Black feathers began to sprout from the tattoos, surrounding the dark seed's body as if her skin had become the costume itself. She was being confronted.
The Black Swan was here.
"What do you want from me?" Nina's grip suddenly tightened around the wings, almost to the point of a crushing strength.
You still don't know you stupid bitch? The dark Nina pushed forward with reckless abandon, sliding her tongue into Nina, trying to force down a poisonous kiss.
**"How come you didn't wake me up?"**
Nina felt the pleasure but knew better of it. She bucked her hips, turning her head insolently, snapping her wrists to the side, sending her darker self-tumbling over the bed with a wicked force. The Black Swan was flat out shocked, turning its head up as it shrieked towards Nina.
"No more…" Nina had a look of fury on her that she didn't know she had, crawling up to a strong stand. She doesn't hesitate; keeping a close eye on the Black Swan as it began to laugh. Nina scrambled to her feet, leaping towards the door, grabbing the steel rod she used as a door block against her mother.
You fucking bitch. The Black Swan hissed like a psychotic killer, glaring up with red eyes glowing in darkness. I just wanted to make you feel good. To make us feel good!
"You've done enough!" Nina stood strong, holding her away with the metal rod ready to swing. "This won't go on anymore…"
You need this. You need me! Nina couldn't see it coming as the Black Swan leapt up almost unnaturally in a float, soaring and smashing into Nina, shoving her hard against the door. The impact made her scream out in pain as she dropped her weapon.
You ungrateful little whore!
**I touched myself like Thomas told me to… I almost forgot that I had a body. I can… feel things…**
Nina struggled, not backing down as she held the creature at bay, surprisingly showing no fear. "You've tormented me. You tried to kill me. Why the hell do I need you?"
I DID NOTHING! The Black Swan screeched with a furious passion, spitting in Nina's face in disgust. YOU'RE KILLING US! YOU'VE BEEN KILLING US FOR TOO LONG!
"W-what are you talking about!" Nina screamed back with energy she didn't know the source of, suddenly shoving the Black Swan into the wall now, the creature smashing into the cupboard, shattering the wood into splinters.
You are such a stupid little girl. The dark Nina screamed out in an angry flurry, wincing in pain. You think because you have that Lily that it is all well now? I'm going to kill her! You can't resist me anymore!
"Lily is the reason I can resist you!" Nina felt it well up in her, strength from the outside she now had. "You've screwed up everything in my life! She was the only one there for me and you tried to turn me against her!"
** "Are you nervous about the big night?" **
** "Oh God you must be freaking out…"**
** "Well I think you're going to be wonderful…"**
** "Hey, you really need to just relax…"**
I'll kill her if I have to!
"No you won't!" Nina reached out with her hands, grabbing her dark image, tackling her to the floor pinning her down. "You hear me? You're done! I'm done being afraid! You won't hurt Lily as long as I'm here!"
The Black Swan screeched out to the heavens, trying to push Nina off in a losing struggle. You think someone will actually protect you? We're on our own!
** "Let me dance the part of the Black Swan for you…"**
** "NO! IT'S MY TURN NOW!"**
"It was you… you're the liar!" Nina almost felt the glass in her side again, not believing the lies anymore as she tried to ignore it. "You tried to turn the one person trying to help me against me. I could have died!"
You're clueless! The Black Swan suddenly found its own second wind, pushing off her hips, pinning Nina to the floor now in a reversal. Its wings coiled up like weapons, going around Nina's neck like a vice, choking the life out of her. WE'VE BEEN DEAD!
** "My sweet little girl…" **
** "All this work. All this control. For what?"**
I killed you? The Black Swan was beside itself from a suppressed anger that no one could understand. It felt like all the glass in Nina's room was going to break and shatter, the screaming was so intense. You've been killing me for too long! You've been stabbing me for as long as we lived!
** "Have you been scratching yourself again!**
** "Where's my sweet little girl?" **
** "SHE'S GONE!"**
SHUT UP!
Nina was horrified, peering into the red eyes of her tormentor, the color of those deep crimson irises slowly seeping away, turning into a deathly gasped as blood began trickling down the Black Swan's lips, seemingly from nowhere. The creature takes a stand weakly, letting Nina go with a harsh shove. Everything in the room suddenly was fair game. Glass was being shattered with every swing. Her bed was being torn to shreds with those same limbs.
Her dolls.
Her music box.
Everything was breaking.
Blood it is pouring…
And pouring…
And pouring…
And pouring….
YOU FUCKING BITCH! The Black Swan's wings were being torn up like a bloody massacre, being slashed by its own destruction. The glass and wood that was shattered and splintered were cutting away at her flesh with ease. YOU ARE KILLING US! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY TURN!
"Please stop!" Nina for reasons deep within couldn't take it anymore. Watching herself tear her own body apart from the inside out was too much. It was too… wrong. Too disturbing…
The Black Swan slumped over towards the mirror staring at the glass for one second. It was driving itself mad, seeing only Nina's reflection and not her own. She coiled her wings and let out a scream with every strike, smashing the mirror in a repeating blow, each time feeling herself becoming weaker and weaker as the glass cracked away. I WAS DOING YOU A FAVOR!
** The skin keeps pulling away… I keep making myself bleed…**
** Is that… a feather?**
I'm about to break…
"P-please don't do this!" Nina suddenly leapt onto the Black Swan's twisted state, holding the doppelganger down with every ounce of strength she had in that lean ballerina's body, trying to prevent it from doing any more damage to itself. It felt like a losing battle in every way, the blood dripping over the both of them as they struggled, pushing against walls, slamming into the destruction around them. Nina didn't know how she held on but she knew she felt herself die before. She didn't want this to happen again.
Why? The Black Swan turned to her in a defiant stare, still trying to push her off, now with deep tears streaming out of its eyes. Why do you care now! You never give a shit. You never stood up! You never gave into what you needed!
Nina felt guilt well up inside as she was watching herself… wanting to die. She held the Black Swan in her arms as it was screeching but getting weaker by the minute. The pain. The suffering. The bleeding. It was all taking its toll. Nina didn't let up, holding into her dark self's weak last breaths with a heavy awareness.
Life and the answers aren't so clear.
I wish I can find a way to disappear.
All these thoughts they make no sense.
I found bliss in ignorance.
Nina began to realize it as she analyzed the wounded image of the Black Swan. Her whole life she had been suppressing this. This poor creature that had been waiting inside her to be awoken. Crushing her feelings beneath excuse after excuse. If it wasn't her mother it was someone else. If it wasn't her loneliness it was her quest for perfection in a world where it wasn't plausible. As much as she denied it… this was her. This sexual creature was as much her as anything else…
For one night she let it out, the darkness overcoming her. This thing tried to kill her but only because it didn't want to go back.
Why would it want to go back to how things were?
"… It was my fault wasn't it?" Nina whispered to her dark self in the most honest words she could finally muster, holding it in her arms as its struggling began to become more like a weak quiver. The Black Swan didn't even reply with its voice, staring at her 'real' self in silence, blood dripping away from its body, her tearful eyes the only reaction to Nina's revelation.
"I've been hurting you… no… hurting me all this time." Nina bit her tongue angrily, looking down in a deep shame. "Ignoring everything because I just couldn't handle it…"
The Black Swan coiled its neck as it was glancing into Nina's regretful stare. It was calm. It was listening. For once it wasn't trying to overwhelm.
"You are me…" Nina held weakly in the first time she stated those words, stroking the Black Swan's feathers. "And you deserved better then what I gave you…"
I'm sorry….
Nina was disappointed in herself as her eyes began to well up with moisture, shaking the Black Swan gently in her grasp. The Black Swan for the first time was not contentious, staring at Nina with its dark gaze, a glance that for some reason screamed a final stare. It seemed to have heard what Nina had to say, the bird letting out a weak caw as it laid flat against Nina's grip. It curled its bloody feathers across Nina's face, stroking, giving her a simple nod as it gave its last breath.
Nina trembled as she felt it fade away, feathers floating away from her grip, the body slowly disappearing into the night. There wasn't a spec of evidence to what she saw. Nina was alone. On her knees, no one in her grasp, not a feather or drip of blood anywhere. Her room was still intact and not touched, being her new apartment and not her old living space. For the first time in her life she felt different inside. She felt like she had found herself…
Still alone... but things were… clearer.
Nothing seems to go away…
Over and over again…
Just like before…
I'm about to break!
- B – B – B -
It was business as usual on a cold Sunday morning at the Ballet Studio. Thomas strolled into his office with notes in hand and a briefcase in the other, opening the doorway to his room to begin the usual routine in the morning. On a typical day he would usually run down his spec sheets to detail any problems he noticed his performers had, as well as organize the many meetings with the studio as far as future projects.
There was a kink in his plans this morning though. This was usually something he did by himself. Company wasn't usually welcome.
"Howdy boss…"
To his surprise, there sat a not as usually pepped up Lily, sitting on his desk looking right at him with a judgmental expression. With a coffee in her hand, she was dressed quite warmly with a winter jacket and a San Francisco Giants beanie over her ballet gear. It was a shame for Thomas her stare was a bit colder than her dressing style.
"Lily?" Thomas glanced around. "I know I said I wanted you here early but-"
"Thomas we need to talk." Lily motioned for him to close the door, fiddling with her gloved fingers as Thomas did so.
"… What's wrong?"
"It's Nina…" Lily took a sip of her morning cup of Joe, not taking an eye off of him.
"… Is she alright?" Thomas seemed quite concerned as she had his complete attention. Lily wasn't buying it.
"I think she is… but…" Lily paused as even all the time to prep this she was flustered. She got off the desk and began pacing. "Look I know she had to have had something really wrong with her when she stabbed herself that night. Honestly though I thought this lead part in this hectic place just made her extremely stressed or something. But last night… she told me some things. Really creepy things… and disturbing things…"
"Such as…?"
"Like how she thought she killed me when she stabbed herself." Lily finished a bit more comfortable than anyone should. "Isn't that a nice thought?"
"Strange…" Thomas curled his brow as he was now the one leaning on his desk, staring at his concerned Swan Queen with his own worries. "Perhaps we should tell her doctors?"
"What? So they can medicate her more? So they'll take her to a place where they wear straightjackets and crazies bounce on cushion walls?" Lily scowled at the thought. "No way! Nina's a good person! She's just a little weak inside right now. Heck, if I had a mother like hers I'd be fucking feeling insane too."
"Well apparently you came to me for a reason." Thomas suggested with a turn in the conversation.
"I came to ask questions…" Lily's tone shifted a bit as well, almost surprisingly in a darker manner. "I'm pretty sure Nina never had a problem until this whole Swan Lake production started. Having the lead part must have driven her to this but it has to be more. I asked some of the girls and they always knew Nina was a loner but-"
"Are you suggesting something Lily?" Thomas stared at her with almost just as accusing eyes.
"I'm just saying… I look at Nina now… and then I look at Beth…"
"Lily, do not speak about Beth and do not start making insinuations before you are ready to deal with it."
"I'm not insinuating anything…" Lily curled her lips, trying to read him as she tilted her head. Her smirk came by so slowly. "My, my you were a little defensive there though. Maybe I should start making some insinuations. Just what did you do to her Thomas?"
"… Are you done yet?"
"Just tell me, what did you do with Nina? She was only really talking to you and her mother. She must have told you something. You must have told her something…"
"I told her nothing beyond trying to find the Black Swan within her…"
"Like… literally… you wanted her to find her Black Swan? Like it's a real person?" Lily looked down as keywords were just passed to her, trying to piece it together, finally realizing some parts to the madness. "I see…"
"Now if we are done, I'm-"
"Going to get ready for the big production… I know." Lily picked up her snug but still concerned self, walking towards the practice area with a casual strut.
"Lily, do not act as if you are the only one who is concerned for her." Thomas defended himself as he began organizing his desk. "The show must go on and we all must move on."
"Oh don't worry Thomas, I understand that, and I'm still one hundred percent on board." Lily pointed at him with accusatory marks. "But I'm not dancing for you. I'm not dancing for any of these girls here. I'm not dancing for the sponsors." She made her phone known to exist with a gentle shake. "If Nina texts or calls me? There isn't going to be a Swan Queen at practice today!"
- B – B – B –
Crawling in my skin…
Without a sense of confidence…
Consuming…
Confusing…
With a grab of her bags and an exit of the building gone was another hard practice but Lily knew she nailed it. As much confusion was going on outside the ballet studio she was on a roll inside the building. She was a genius on the ballet mat as much as she was clueless on the outside. Thankfully Nina did text her to tell her that she was okay. Lily didn't think she could concentrate with what was said last night. She had her mind as clear as it could be until now…
How bad did Nina have it? What can I do to help?
"Your picture looks great." Lily heard the soft voice as she stepped outside seeing the girl she was supposed to meet after practice. Nina had texted and she delivered herself. Always the dependable one.
"You think so huh?" Lily smiled as she walked over to Nina, the former ballerina staring at the promotional poster to the Swan Lake production. "You should've seen the first version. I told them to re-do it because I honestly thought they made me look like Justin Beiber. It was horrible."
"Oh no, that doesn't sound good at all…"
"Nope but it all turned out good I think." Lily sighed happily, staring at her sexy self, expanding her hands as if she was reading captions beneath her image. "Lily, ballet extraordinaire! Binging the "lay"… back to Ballet. How's that for a tag line?"
"Clever as always." Nina giggled lightly at such a silly thought as she continued to glance at the poster. Lily meanwhile was delighted she got a positive reaction out of her friend but noticed the silence as she looked at the poster. She couldn't tell if Nina was admiring it or reflecting on it. It was only months ago that it was Nina's face plastered all over this thing after all – dark black boas draped across a scantily clad ballerina, looking glamorous as the Swan Queen.
There had to be some pent up frustration somewhere in that frail mind.
"Look about last night Nina…"
"I just wanted to clear things up as well." Nina turned to Lily before she could continue, covered tightly in her long winter's coat as she placed her cold hands into the pockets. "Do you mind going for a walk?"
"Yeah, hours of ballet with Thomas Leroy followed by more walking." Lily blinked with woeful sarcasm. "That's totally what a perfect day is in my book."
"Oh no you're limping." Nina looked at her with much concern, noticing Lily's ginger movements. "We don't need to walk. I just thought since I was cooped up all day-"
"Hey now it's not a big deal… I just the ankle tweaked today at practice." Lily made nothing of it, patting her shoulder with reassurance. "I'm fine. I need to cool down with a brisk walk anyway. Just don't walk too fast okay?"
"A-are you sure?"
"… Sure."
Crawling in my skin…
These wounds they will not heal…
Fear is how I fall…
Confusing…
Confusing what is real…
Walking outside the venue where so much had happened was a strange feeling. Walking with Lily at her side it was still even stranger at that. The Lincoln Performance Arts Centre had been Nina's home for so long, much longer than she even knew Lily. She spent more time here than she did with her mother. Practicing and breathing ballet for almost four years now as a professional dancer. Pulling the plug on this life when she had nothing else was killing her inside.
"So what do you want to start with?" Lily blew out some steam into the New York cold air. "You told me in the text you wanted to be completely honest with me right?"
"Let's um… start about last night." Nina blushed in deep inward sigh, bypassing that strange hallucination with the random girl quite strategically. "I remember saying some things in the taxi cab. I'm sorry I said those things Lily."
"I know you are." Lily's stare always brought about feelings of unease. "But you meant them didn't you?"
"Y-yes…" Nina nodded shamefully, looking towards the Lincoln Centre, running through all the memories all at once. "I was so obsessed. I couldn't think beyond the show. Everyone was a threat to me and for some reason I made you the target of all my fears."
"Why me?"
"… I…"
**"Lily please get warmed up…"**
**"Oh I'm fine… I'm good."**
"When you first came in do you remember what you did?" Nina asked curiously more so than a victimizing tone.
"Uh… kind of…"
"I was in the middle of tryouts and when you opened the door late…"
"I messed you up… oh my God. I almost forgot that!" Lily blinked shaking her head, remembering all the strange stares she got coming into the studio the first time. "My bad! It totally ran passed my head. I'm sorry! I m-mean was the new girl at the time. You know thinking where to go and not trying to look like an ass… and then… I end up looking like an ass… oh boy…"
"N-no it's fine…" Nina laughed at her sincerity, chuckling to herself at Lily's girlish mannerisms. "I remember we bumped into each other while I was leaving. I was so upset. It's silly looking back at it now. It was just… an accident."
"… And this has to do with killing me?" Lily crossed her arms.
"Oh… well…" Nina tried to recall things with a nervous scratch. "I guess it just snowballed from there. I kept looking at you from afar. Seeing the way you danced and the way you behaved. You were such a natural at what I was trying to become."
"The Black Swan huh?" Lily said in remembrance of Thomas' conversation. "You're a creepy stalker by the way…"
"Heh, I guess I deserve that…" Nina agreed shamefully, blushing as she was speaking in words she'd never thought she'd share with anyone. "I saw how attractive you were. I saw how much fun you had. And I realized how I was none of these things. I really never thought about how shallow as a person I was."
"Shallow is not a good word." Lily defended her.
"You saw how I lived Lily…" Nina felt pain well up inside. "For all my life I've lived like that. Wasting time. Thinking that I was okay. This whole production… showed me how bad it was for me."
"Well I wouldn't want to say your life is as perfect as your dancing now." Lily and held her hand as they crossed the sidewalk towards the metro. "But deep down you're a great person. That's what's important."
"I hope so." Nina smiled weakly, blushing at Lily's grasp on her wrist. "B-but I guess why I've been so hard on myself lately is because I got to know the real you." She took the steps down towards the metro, stopping on the stairway. Lily only blinked as Nina was as still as a statue, staying silent as she glanced around like a scanning cat.
** Nina stared silently as a dark clad version of her passes her by, staring with a disappointed look.**
"I saw myself in everything. Almost like I didn't want the real me to exist." Nina mumbled as she stared down the long metro entrance, almost waiting for someone to come by.
"So you wanted to become me?" Lily tried to empathize.
"Yes that's what I thought I needed to do to be perfect." Nina seemed satisfied that no one walked by, now leading the two, holding Lily's hand as she walked towards the metro. "I feel bad making you into the villain now that I realize how you were the only one who cared for me during this whole ordeal."
"Heh, it's just funny thinking how you were looking at me and being jealous." Lily blinked, almost too embarrassed with all the compliments. "You were jealous of the fact that I screw around in the studio? That I could use a glow stick?"
"And how comfortable you were in any situation… sure." Nina added.
"I guess I understand but I think almost all the girls at the studio wish they had your talent in dancing. Why didn't you focus on that instead of beating yourself up all the time of stuff you need to work on?"
"… I never really thought of it that way." Nina gave a slight smirk at Lily as they were now waiting for the subway.
"So basically you got obsessed with becoming something you're not."
"Or… I became obsessed with becoming something I could have… been in another life…"
"You know it's never too late…"
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface.
Consuming
Confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending…
Controlling
I can't seem
To find myself again.
My walls are closing in.
It took only about five minutes underneath the streets of the NYC and they were off. They walked into the empty metro cab, taking a seat in the middle of the subway train, isolated from everyone. Lily stares at Nina's cute face as she was looking around yet again, almost as if she's searching for something… or someone. Nina keeps her eyes peeled trying to see the dark images come by. She finds nothing. Only her and Lily.
"So you kept seeing yourself in others huh?" Lily stroked her head.
"Yes…" Nina glanced down towards her shoes only for a second, fighting to look Lily in the face. It was still intimidating. "It got real bad all the way up until the show."
**"Georgina? What's she doing here!"**
**"Thomas made me your alternate… it's only just in case…"**
"So you really did think I was out to get you." Lily sighed, hearing the descriptions of her false death awhile ago.
"Yes, shamefully yes…" Nina frowned, holding Lily's wrist gently in support. "That's why I feel so bad. That's why it makes me so upset. I realize now that you are the only reason I'm here. You are the only one who tried to help me when I was down. And something inside rejected all of that."
"Oh come on Nina. You can't beat yourself up over that." Lily pleaded. "I'm just worried about your safety. I don't mind being killed as long as it's just in your head…" she paused with a grin. "Did I at least die sexily? Like with a cool moan or something?"
"…"
"Just kidding…" Lily patted her head. "Really though! Are you going to be okay? You only really physically harmed yourself. I don't want you to go through that again."
"I told you I'll be alright… I think I'll be okay." Nina took a last glance around the subway metro before returning the warm stare. "I realize now that I'm not alone. That I have someone that cares about me truly and without any conditions."
"Er, Nina… this is getting a little heavy for me…" Lily wanted to blush, looking away as her cheeks were red. "Can't we just go back to… like…"
"Kissing and not telling?" Nina finished surprisingly with a punctual sarcasm making Lily chuckle.
"Wow, I am rubbing off on you…"
"Yeah and this is another thing we have to talk about." Nina was rustling even more nervously, fiddling with her gloved hands as she glanced to the safety of the tiles below. Lily had a feeling where this was going, getting her own big gulp of nervousness in her throat. A ball of anguish that wanted to burst. The subway thankfully stopped, letting the two walk out the train, making their way up the stairs in a much needed silence. A deep breath…
Without a sense of confidence
I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take.
I felt this way before.
So insecure…
"Nina…"
"Lily, today for some reason I found the strength to tell you everything." Nina glanced around at the New York City lights as Lily did the same.
"And I appreciate it all." Lily smiled. "T-that's what I'm here for."
"For the first time in a long time… I have hope." Nina whispered, eyeing calmly at all the people walking in Time Square. She was noticing all their different faces, smiles, and the positive energy around her. Nina then turned to Lily with a serious look, staring straight into the Lily she knew now. "You told me that it was just sex between us. And everything isn't weird…"
"Yes… we don't want things to be weird."
"But it is weird to me…" Nina said it firmly, inside feeling like she wanted to vomit from the butterflies. Lily gulped again, nodding, looking at her with a sympathetic look. "I know that you're a kind of person that seems to be intimate with many people…"
"Are you basically calling me a slut in a nice way?"
"I… I didn't mean that no…" Nina gasped.
"I am kidding… again." Lily smiles, as always trying to keep it fun.
"L-look I am just saying… this having sex and kissing. And all this… for me it's not something I can do with just anyone."
"Nina…"
"I am not demanding anything. You don't owe me a thing Lily." Nina added for assurance. "I owe you everything. You gave me a second chance at life. I owe you the truth and I want to let it all out here tonight."
"…"
"Lily I don't want to be you… I want to be with you." Nina blushed madly, looking away. "I enjoy being close to you. I enjoy holding your hand. I enjoy being intimate with you…"
"Nina… I like doing those things with you too…"
"But I'm not dumb…" Nina whispers to Lily's surprise. "I know you're the kind of person that doesn't want this type of thing." She walked towards the shopping centers in a frustrated breath. "I see how you are alright with me and Thomas. Even wanting to root for us to be a couple sometimes. I see how you meet boys… and girls… having one night stands."
"Nina…" Lily held her hands from behind, pulling them up close but looking cold. "I'm not interested in a relationship like that… yes… you're right."
Nina looked at her with a blank stare. Not sad. Not angry. Just a blank slate. Almost like she was expecting this.
"I'm not the kind of girl you want to be doing this with anyway." Lily warned softly. "Trust me. It has nothing to do with you. It's all me. I haven't had a good history of this. It's better just to keep it… fun."
"… I-I understand…" Nina nodded.
It hurts…
"Y-you want a prince to carry you Nina. You want someone that can be your knight in shining armor." Lily frowned. "I'm not that. I am not good at a serious relationship… trust me. It will only end badly."
"… I see…"
"B-but hey, why can't we just bypass all that crap?" Lily suggested. "We don't need to do that. We can still be friends… and do all the things-"
"It doesn't work that way with me." Nina shook her head in a defiance that hurt her. "It's not fair to you or me if I do that because I know that I won't be honest with you or myself." She looked towards a reflection in the store glass. "I'm not lying to myself anymore Lily. Not anymore."
"I wish I could explain this better…"
"You don't have to explain anything to me Lily." Nina smiled, Lily not knowing if it was a false façade or not, glancing her up and down. "If you don't want this then I think the best thing to do is to just… be friends."
Just friends…
"Nina w-why? I mean can't we-"
"I'm going away for a while anyway." Nina seemed to somber up, thinking of what was to come. "To be serious about healing myself. To take my counseling seriously and to get away from the world I know. I'm not going to waste this opportunity."
"Y-you go… girl." Lily felt that ball in her throat just get bigger, still trying to be a positive source of energy.
** "Oh my God I was concerned about you but you danced it so well! I'm sorry for doubting you! You did a great job!"**
"No matter what happens I'll remember what you did for me for the rest of my life Lily." Nina began to tear up finally, against her cheeks ran a small little flow of her own tears. "There's nothing I can ever do to repay you…"
"J-just… get better." Lily wanted to tear up to but blinked it away forcibly, pulling Nina into a hug that wouldn't stop. "I'm rooting for you so bad…"
"I know… I know…" Nina hugged back, the two embracing under the cold night, their warmth flowing through one another. The hugs made them feel so good, both having their watery cheeks touch. Eventually it had to stop…
"I'm going to go see my mother now to start this healing process. And to end tonight I wanted to wish you luck as the Swan Queen one last time."
"Hey! Y-you're talking like you're going away for good or something." Lily looked at Nina, blinking as she stared. Nina looked so serious. So grown up…
"J-just remember me… exactly like I am now Lily…" Nina gave a rare big smile, making Lily's heart jump a few steps. "Because now I know you're the only person that saw something in me that I'm not ashamed of. That's worth keeping."
Lily glanced at the beautiful but tragic figure that stood in front of her, one last gaze. The stunning but torn up dancer that she grew so close to in the past months. Something was changing… something was going to be different… she just didn't know if it was going to be for the better.
"Nina… I…"
"Can you head back to your apartment from here? I know it's not that far off…"
"Y-yeah… I'll be fine. Don't worry about me."
"… G-good luck Swan Queen." Nina walked forward and pulled her into a big hug again, squeezing tightly, even harder than before. "You're the best…"
"The Swan Queen role is safe okay?" Lily whispered as she clung back. "I won't let you down…"
"I know it was good hands the minute I saw you dance it for the first time." Nina pulled away slowly and most reluctantly, glancing at the time with her phone. "B-but… I'm late."
"… Y-yeah… I guess… keep in touch by phone?"
"Of course…" Nina waved her hand, staring at the one who saved her with a warm glare. Deep inside she was hurting but for some reason she knew this had to happen. Lily was so pretty standing there, waving back. "T-thank you Lily…"
"Y-you're the best Nina!" Lily waved back with a good wave. "You do what you have to do and come back to me okay?"
"Thank you again!" Nina yelled back with a burst of loudness she wasn't used to, turning and holding her chest, her beating heart, tearing up as she walked away from Lily.
It hurts so much…
Lily gasped as she felt twisted inside as well, not knowing why she couldn't just throw away her lifestyle for this person. Almost all of her wanted to hold Nina. She wanted to kiss Nina. Wanted to tell her that she wanted her just as much as Nina did… why couldn't she do it? … Why couldn't she give it all away for her?
**"Looks like someone's hot for teacher…"**
**" I… have to go…"**
**"Nina… come on! I was just kidding! I don't blame you!"**
It was too late. Nina like always disappeared into the night, into the sea of people, leaving Lily there in an awkward isolation. Lily stood alone like she did in the ballet studio, a false smile on her face, wiping her eyes as she walked away.
Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting…
Reacting…
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection.
It's haunting, how I can't seem…
To find myself again...
My walls are closing in…
- B – B – B –
Lily landed with a large thud, the time between yesterday and tonight being a huge blur. She hazily glares up to see Thomas face blinking as she did. She sat up quickly, seeing all the ballerinas crowding around her, clapping for her and loudly cheering. She had just achieved what she worked so hard for. One night was all it took for all doubt to go away.
"How does perfection feel Lily?" Thomas offered her a hand, pulling up the White Swan as she was breathing heavily from a job well done.
"I think she was here…" Lily suddenly whispers, imagining and only thinking about one person as she tried to recall the performance. She was actually sitting there. Out in the crowd. Watching her. Eyes not looking away for even a second. Dressed in all black… rooting for Lily.
"Who was here?" Thomas blinked at her.
"Nina…" Lily smiled at the thought, looking at her peers as they all were cheering for her like when Nina performed. Thomas smirks to himself as he pushed her along to stage left.
"It's time for your bow Swan Queen… you did us all proud." Thomas waved them off. "Off with you! That is how we should do it every night!"
Lily was excited as she pranced out. The crowd erupts as Lily takes center stage, bowing to all who came to see her. She admires and hears the roars of the approving crowd, taking her bows while scanning the crowd carefully. Surely she remembered exactly where Nina was in relation to her performance. The third row two steps to the left stairway. She glances there expecting to see her. That pretty face cheering her on.
There is nothing but an empty seat.
The sounds of the crowd didn't seem so loud anymore. The appreciation was a bit more numbing.
… It was almost perfect…