RIP Alan Rickman
Chapter 13
The excruciatingly bland walls stared back at Draco, making him want to gauge his eyeballs out with his fingernails. It would be painful, it would be torturous but it would be worth it. 100% worth it, he concluded as the fluorescent lights enhanced his hatred.
People walked past. People looked at him. He was used to the stares, perks of growing up a Malfoy, part of a seemingly prestigious and elite family but this was different. An entirety of different. They witnessed him in a moment of weakness, a moment that would take 1000 times longer to rectify, to scourgify.
The world is made up of opinions, Draco thought. Generally, everyone follows everybody like sheep. As if it was illegal to to have your own voice. That speaking up, having a single thought that differed from others was wrong. Sometimes the fight to prove your opinion is justified, is warranted, can be too hard so you cave in, unable to continue the futile battle because the majority always wins.
Majority always wins. Lucius had said that too him once. Even if you don't believe it's right, there's power in numbers. But Draco now knew that wasn't true. There's power in money. Power in skill. Power in knowledge. Numbers aren't definite, they decline and increase spontaneously and continuously. A single event can make numbers shoot up but also give the opportunity to decreases. One thing can shatter everything. Hermione Granger being tortured, withering in anguish, seeing the agony in her eyes, her normally warm yet fierce eyes, was the cause of Draco to contribute to the drop of numbers on his side. The evil side. The dark side. The wrong side. Watching his aunt inflict such a ghastly spell on her, innocent Hermione, had done something to him. He couldn't take it.
-xXx-
"Draco"…, Aunt Bella whispers trailed across the room, gnawing at my skin. I resisted the urge to cringe, to show weakness in such a dire time.
"Well?", silence, a deformed Harry's head was still snapped back and held there by Bellatrix. I could feel her watching me. Stupid crush. Stupid. I could feel everybody watching. I knew I had to answer, everyone was looking at me expectantly. They needed an answer.
I looked to the floor, "I can't be sure.", I didn't want to see their disappointment. I didn't want to see her relief. It was all for her, always for her. Anything for her. But she would never know.
"Draco", my father moved toward me, clutching my neck, I soundlessly gasped, flinched, at the contact. His hands were cold but so was I. I was numb. "Look closely son", I wanted to wrench away from his clutch, to insist I was not his son. But I couldn't. I never could. "If we were the ones to hand…", I stopped listening. I couldn't bare it. Nobody used to depend on me. But now my decision would determine whether or not she lives. Everything had changed. I didn't know what to do. I heard voices but no words.
Suddenly he was in my face. He'd posed a question. I nodded in agreement. It was always easier to agree. To never argue. I had no fight in me regardless, maybe I am weak.
More voices. My father shouted. My mother ushered him away. I was ripped out of my oblivious state by my aunt who grabbed my wrist, "Don't be shy sweetie, come over", I allowed myself to be lead the few steps. Maybe I should've fought.
She made me kneel in front of Potter, to inspect him. I knew it was him but maybe this was my way to save her. Ensuring Potter's safety is ensuring hers. She said something. Something I should've probably listened to, "what's wrong with his face?", I asked but I didn't listen to any reply. I stared at Harry with a deformed face until Bellatrix moved. Towards her. The urge to turn around almost consumed me but I had to fight it. They couldn't know what I felt. Nobody could. So I continued to stare at Harry, trying my hardest to remain unfazed by my aunt walking in her direction.
My mother tapped my shoulder and I went to stand but I missed something because all of a sudden Curses and spells were flying around the room, all originating from my aunt's wand. But then worst thing happened. Bellatrix wanted Hermione. Alone.
"But the boys in the cellar", she insisted whilst ragging them across the room. My mother obeyed her order along with Peter. I hate that she easily obliges. "I want to have a conversation with this one", NO. I was so close to exploding, so close. "Girl to girl", I watched, trapped in position next to my Father. He would disown me if I spoke up and who would I have then? How could I help anyone then? How could I help her?
Suddenly Hermione was sprawled across the cold floor and Bellatrix leant over her, so close they were face to face. Whatever was being said to the younger witch made all her walls break. She cried. And sobbed. And pleaded. But nothing can get through to a sociopathic psychopath. Hermione's fists clenched. Her normally big character had shrunken to the daintiest of presences. Words were exchanged but the thing that shook me to the bones was the screams. The screams that started when my aunt set her sights on Hermione's arm. My jaw clenched as I comprehended my options of what to do. And it narrowed down easily and swiftly. Nothing. I can do absolutely nothing. Being helpless is the worst feeling in the word. Hermione moves and wriggles in pain but Bellatrix holds her head to the cold floor. She is shrieking and I am breaking. She is breaking and I am silent.
She has been left like a used doll, done with being played with. Her breaths are deep, her sobs quiet. Almost inexistent. Her arm strays to the side. Blood. Blood. Blood. Letters. A word. Mudblood. The filthy word brands her. Now and forever. I wish I could extinguish her pain. Her brokenness. She needs help but I am helpless. I must fight against her, I know that, yet I don't want to. My future is uncertain but hers is not. She will survive the war, start a relationship, probably with the Weasel or maybe Potter, have a family. She will find love. She will be loved. She will give love. To anybody. Everybody that isn't me. I am the blood of her torturer. Her abuser. Maybe she isn't broken. Maybe it's me.
"Draco"
"Draco", what?
"Draco!", he blinked as he was ripped from his dream and sleep . His face instinctively furrowed into a scowl as he turned to look at his disturber. Though, he was actually more grateful than annoyed.
"Merlin! With that expression, it's no wonder Granger's in hospital. I think I need to see an optician.", Pansy and her generally unloved wit. How hadn't he guessed?
"What's one of them?", no greeting. That's how they do things. Greetings are too formal. And they've been through too much for such formalities.
She gasped obnoxiously loud and exaggerated, "Draco Malfoy! Are you showing some interest in muggle life! Will wonders ever cease.", Pansy looked so smug, it annoyed Draco, profoundly. There was nothing for her to smug over anyways. He had no qualms for muggles. Except… his son had been raised as one so that warrants interest, right?
"Since when were you so invested in that lifestyle", the words caused his nose to scrunch up unconsciously. She tsk'd at him before flipping her glossy, black hair with a perfectly manicured hand. His eyes went to her bare ring finger and he felt, like usual, slightly guilty. After all, he had-
"Draco", Pansy whispered, he looked up and met her gaze. Her sympathetic gaze. "Don't", he low mutters were continuing, "it's not your fault. I've forgiven you.", and she smiled to show her sincerity. Draco had no reason to question her genuineness as Pansy rarely held back. At anything. She excelled in the art of self expression. In words. And other… Actions. "You just have to forgive yourself", but could he? Could he forever leave the ghosts in the past? The horrors behind? Doubt clouded his thought, of course not. No human could probably even live through his traumas.
"I've missed you", he breathed and already began to feel lighter. She smiled in return. A real smile. He returned the gesture.
"I know you did, who wouldn't?", she asked, playful, sarcastic Pansy had once again made an appearance.
"Shut up you,, before I tell Skeeter about the time when you and Potter-", she cut him off with a pinch to his arm.
"Really? You're bringing up Hogwarts? I don't know about you, but I'm 100% willing, and wanting, to keep it in the past.", Draco smirked, to which she said, " Stop smirking Mr Slytherin Sex God", which caused her to laugh uncontrollably, the sound resonates off the walls and caught the attention of many.
"Shhhh, we both know that wasn't true. It was only something to gloat about in front of Blaise, and you know it", now she was smirking, "actually, if I recall correctly, you were the one to think of it", yes, yes she was.
"Yes, well I obviously had bad judgement to create an alliance with you and not Blaise. Thought I suppose your looks had a somewhat large contribution to that decision. Don't look at me like that, you were attractive and you knew it", he shrugged his shoulder nonchalantly and she just shook her head.
"Remember that time Snape caught you with that older Slytherin? Merlin, I swear he wouldn't look at you for days.", Pansy said, laughing at the fond memory. Fond for her, but no so much for him. His favourite professor, his family's friend, had caught him having sex. Yep, that instantaneously rid him of his sexual desires.
"Yes, of course I remember. Everyone remembers.", he chuckled along with her, half heartedly. The memory of the late professor always stirred something within Draco. He was the reason Draco was still alive, he was sworn to protect him and no amount of gratitude could fulfil his action. Severus has been his guardian angel. "Merlin, I miss Severus", he said, "I can't believe he's gone. Even after all this time".
"I know", Pansy whispered, "we didn't deserve him. He was such a good man", yes, yes he was. "But we'll always remember him, right?", she asked slightly tearily. He could tell the conversation was hitting her hard, as it was him.
"Always", he promised. Draco meant it with every fibre of his being.
"He'd be proud of you, you know that right?", did he? Did he really? He didn't answer due to his uncertainty.
Until, "I hope so", slipped through his restraint of no speech.
They fell into a silence. For 20 seconds. "So, how's it like being a parent?", she asked. She looked revolted at the thought.
"I don't know. He's missing", he replied, not looking at her reaction.
"WHAT?!", she shrieked and he winced, "he's missing and you didn't say anything! What's his name again?", she asked.
"Scorpius, and a locator spell won't work. We've tried", we. As in him and Granger. It was new and felt almost right.
"Damn. I suppose he'll turn up. When we were children, we went weeks away from our parents without consent at our holiday homes, our parents couldn't give a shit", it was true. All of it. They really had went weeks abroad without permission and their parents not even looking for them.
"Shows how fucked up high class is.", he replied. "But A, Scorpius isn't high class, B, Hermione doesn't seem the type to have holiday chateaus scattered across the globe, C, she does give a fuck and he knows that.", Pansy stopped with that topic momentarily.
"Hermione, huh?", she asked, nudging his shoulder, "Since when were you and Granger on first name basis?", she asked with an added wink.
"We're not", he coughed, signalling the end of conversation. And once again Pansy sighed loudly.
"Where is Granger?", she asked, "it's 6pm and you brought her in in the morning"
"I don't know. The doctors said wait here until she fetched me," Draco answered.
"Well let's find her! Screw doctors orders. That's what I said when I had my nose done", she smiled as if triumphant.
"You seem happy about that fact", he almost sneered. She slapped his arm, grabbed his arm and hauled him up of his ass. She began waking, their hands still together. It felt… Familiar.
They walked in silence until Pansy said, "You shouldn't have brought her here to St Mugos. It's going to be splattered on every paper tomorrow", he knew that, he did. But he was desperate and almost hysterical. He told her he was aware and didn't need reminding and as he ended a raised voice was heard down the sterile corridor they walking through.
"You promised he wouldn't find out. I can't believe you'd allow this.", Draco instantly identified the voice as Hermione's. However Pansy seemed to be struggling until the receiver returned,
"Hermione, I had no idea Lucius had been so cunning as to do that. And introducing the boy to magic? Unfathomable. We will never know his reasoning, but trust me when I say everything my husband ever did was for a reason", Draco couldn't breathe. His mother. And Hermione. Talking. He knew they were in contact but still it was a lot to fathom.
"Narcissa?", Hermione whispered so low it was almost not hearable but at that moment he realised they walked closer to the open door, "I wish he didn't know. Is that selfish of me? I just feel like everyone's lives would be so much easier. And if he didn't know, maybe Scorp wouldn't be missing. I would do anything to have things the way they were…", Draco had enough, he stormed into the room, eyes ablaze.
"Mother. Granger.", he greeted, though Pansy remained almost sheepishly outside the In the corridor.
Both women looked startled. Good. "I had no idea you both were so close. Paying a visit to the mother of your bastard grandchild? Never knew you cared", he leered. Where the hell was this coming from?
"Draco", his mother started but he didn't care and he said so. She looked wounded. She looked as he felt.
"It seems I have no business here. My mother is here, clearing my mess as usual. Please inform me once you've payed my bills, ran my business, found my son, planned my wedding and thrown the baby shower. Because obviously in incapable of having my own life, of doing things right. Anything else? Anything else you can control mother? Oh yes, Aunt Bella! How could I forget, the reason we're in this forsaken place. How dare you allow that monster to roam free? That creature deserved the kiss", he spat. Everyone was silent, watching with wide eyes. Thank merlin he'd payed for a private room for her.
"Draco", Pansy coaxed, "breath", and he did.
He then turned on his heel and slipped his hands into Pansy's petite one. He might've imagined Hermione wincing, but he didn't care. He couldn't care.
"And, Granger, thanks for the shag. Again", he smirked as he pulled Pansy away.