James woke up and took a minute to get his bearings. He felt Penny's arms wrapped around him and relaxed into her embrace. He remembered how he had gotten here-Penny showing up at the pub in his favorite dress. He'd near to lost it right then when he saw her looking so gorgeous. He wasn't the only one-he'd noticed that every man in the vicinity had been staring at her. Even old Lewis had given her the eye as she had passed by, not that he could blame him. James had tried to put up a fight, but he knew from the first second that he'd end up here.
On their way back to Penny's flat, he'd vowed that he would talk to her before things got out of hand. He did owe her that—once he told her all his terrible secrets, he was sure she'd agree that she'd be better off without him. His mistake had been making that decision for her instead of letting her do it for herself.
Of course, as soon as they got inside the flat, all his noble thoughts had vanished as he and Penny fell into each other's arms.
Afterward, though, he'd come to his senses and forced himself to do the right thing. He'd made Penny get dressed and told her they had to talk. He was terrified, but he wouldn't be able to live with himself unless he told her the truth. He'd told her about Will and how he had failed him, how he had gotten mixed up with Zoe and how that had ended so terribly for so many people. He told her about Paul, Briony and Lord Mortmaigne and about his behavior with Scarlett, which had been both foolish (she agreed) and a terrible betrayal of Robbie and the force, as well as a betrayal of his love for her.
Every time he had revealed something else, he'd waited for her to say that she was done with him, that he was a terrible person, that she couldn't imagine spending another minute with him. But that never happened. She'd shed tears for him and everyone else who was wronged. She'd looked at him with compassion. She had held him while he cried and told him everything would be fine now. And James had been astounded. He'd tried again to convince her of her mistake in staying with him, but everything he'd said, she had turned around into a reason to love him more.
Then he'd finally told her his oldest secret, the one that he'd been carrying around since childhood.
"Oh, my poor lost boy," she'd said gently. She'd put her arms around him, told him he was safe with her and rocked him while he cried. All those things he'd wanted so long ago.
She'd held him until he had finally felt at peace, then she'd looked at him with love and tenderness.
"James, you're not a terrible person. All I see is a wounded boy who has spent his life trying to protect himself, but at the same time was also trying to protect and help other people. That's not something to be ashamed of, it's something to be proud of. You always act with a kind heart and good intentions." She wiped his tears away. "You're a good man, James Hathaway. If you've made any mistakes, God forgave you long ago. You just didn't forgive yourself. Tell that lost boy that he's home now and safe, safe forever."
Then she held him while he cried silent tears of gratitude and relief. She'd dropped little kisses on his head and face that slowly turned into longer kisses as they'd found their way back to the bedroom.
Now here he was awake and in her arms. His world had changed overnight. She had told him he was safe with her. He realized that's what he'd been missing all his life. He had never quite trusted people who said they loved him. He had assumed that they would either end up hurting him or would leave if they really knew the whole truth about him. Penny hadn't done either, and he knew she never would. The weight of living his whole life in fear and doubt had fallen away. He finally was home and safe. He felt like he was looking up at a clear sky after a lifetime of clouds.