Chapter 9: Job
I wake up to the sound of voices coming through the bedroom door which is left ajar. It takes me a few seconds to recognize the voices and to realize I'm not in my own room.
"Where's Jacob," a girl asks. I struggle to remember her name. Britt? Britney something?
Slowly the memory of yesterday flows back into my sleepy brain.
"I think he had to leave early for practice," Bella replies in an uninterested voice. I can imagine her sitting at the kitchen table and answering without looking up.
I'm thankful that she's not letting the girl know where I really am.
I'm not sure, but it's possible that Brittany – I suddenly remember her name clearly now – would make a scene about this. She hasn't given me her number, but she did stay over, so maybe she expects something more. Even though I've been clear last night that I was not looking for a girlfriend. She didn't mind back then, but you never know with women.
Bella could have put me in an awkward situation here. I'm surprised that she doesn't hate me after what I did to her.
Such an idiot I have been. Did I honestly expect her to push the girl away and claim me for her own?
She told me before that she has strong beliefs about deserving me. I should have known that making her jealous wouldn't solve all that. Instead I hurt her.
She didn't lash out at me, or blame me or push me away, but I saw what she did to herself, while I was busy trying to forget her. She must have heard everything.
It took me a long time to fall asleep after all that. She dozed off in my arms instantly, as I stroked her hair, wishing that I could make her see that she needs to stop fighting and simply be mine.
I guess I blew it big time now. How am I going to make her feel safe with me, when I hurt her carelessly like that?
At least, if anything positive should come from all this, I'm hoping she realizes that she doesn't want me to be with someone else after all, and she'll allow herself to get closer to me.
As soon as I hear Brittany leave the apartment, I gather my courage and step outside Bella's room. She sits at the kitchen table and doesn't look up.
I carefully take a seat next to her, thinking of a way to bring up what I need to say. But before I find my words, she suddenly gets up and mutters, "I'm gonna take a shower."
So that's how it's gonna be. She's back to avoiding me after sleeping in my arms.
I can't take that. Anything but this distant version.
"Bella, no," I plead, grabbing her arm to keep her here. I immediately let go when she winces and I remember the bandages I put on her myself.
She looks at me with sad eyes, and reluctantly sits down again.
"What do you want, Jacob?"
"I want to talk. I want to apologize."
"What do you want from me?" she clarifies her question.
"I… anything but this," I say.
She shakes her head. "This is all I know how to be. I never pretended to be better than this."
"No, you don't understand. I don't need you to be better. I just need you to be real. Be honest with me. Scream if you're mad, shout at me, punch me, I know I deserve it. But don't run away."
"I don't want to scream, I'm not mad at you."
"Let me guess, you're mad at you, right?"
She nods and stares at her hands.
"Is that why you hurt yourself?" I ask.
She looks up at me with surprise, as if she didn't expect me to bring that up. But she doesn't seem upset.
"Not exactly," she replies hesitantly.
"Could you please explain to me then? If it's not anger that made you do this, then what is it?"
"I'm not sure I can talk about it," she mutters, looking down again. "You must really think I'm a freak."
I move my chair closer to her and gently place my arm around her shoulder.
"I really don't. I always knew you are not like other girls, and I once called you a freak, but Bella, I never believed that. And I never will, no matter what you tell me."
She huffs, as if she knows better, but I need her to understand this, so I continue, "I promise Bella. Look, I am well aware that there are many things I don't know about you, and maybe I never will, but I do know you. I just wish you would trust me some more."
"It's not about trust," she objects.
"Yes it is. If you really think I'm gonna judge you for acting the way you did. After the stuff I made you go through…"
She shrugs.
"I hurt you, didn't I? Being wit her, it hurt you."
She takes a deep breath and then said, "Jacob, I can't… you and me, we can't."
"That's not what I asked."
"Oh," she replies, and then slowly nods, "yes, it hurt. I know that it shouldn't, but it did."
"I know, and I'm sorry. Is that why you cut? Because you were hurting?"
"Yes," she admits, "in a way. It's difficult to explain. Sometimes when things get too much, when I feel like I can't handle a situation, it gives me… pleasure. But not like SM, not that kind of pleasure. Just, um… I don't know, it just feels right, in a way."
"Like a distraction from the other pain?" I try to understand.
"That too. Maybe it's something chemical, I don't know."
"Maybe," I agree.
My arm is still around her and I pull her a little closer to me. I feel like thanking her for being so open with me, but at the same time I'm afraid she'll close off again any moment.
At first, she places her head on my shoulder and breathes in my scent, but then she leans back and says "you need to move on, Jacob. You deserve a girl without issues."
"Didn't we just agree that you don't want me to be with someone else?" I ask confused. I thought we dealt with this already. But it's the same thing all over again.
"It's not about what I want. I can never give you enough."
"Who says I can give you everything? If you really care for someone, you simply want them to have nothing but the best. But looking at things from that perspective, there is always some reason to feel not good enough."
"These aren't details," she mutters. "I'm not talking about not being very rich, or being a little over-weighed. This is serious stuff."
"I know that darling, I know you are struggling, but that only makes me want to be closer to you. Can you please let me decide when something isn't enough, when I deserve more?"
She shakes her head.
"Why not?"
"Because by the time you will realize this, I'll be too lost. It's better if we cut this off right now."
"What if right now, I am too lost?"
"Oh Jacob," she sighs, leaning into me again.
I hate to put her on the spot like this, but there are some major flaws in her reasoning, and I wish she would see that.
"How about," I say carefully, "we don't make any promises and we take things one day at the time. Without worrying about the future. I won't call you my girlfriend, if that makes you feel uncomfortable, but I promise I won't be with anyone else. There's only you, Bella."
She opens her mouth to object, so I quickly add, "and there is nothing you can say or do about that. All you get to decide is how close you allow yourself to be. Not my feelings, you don't get to decide those."
She slowly nods and relaxes again.
I can't help but smile. I feel like I've finally gotten through to her. At least on this point. And we'll figure out the rest later.
In the week to follow, I don't push her anymore.
I keep a close watch on her arm, and notice how the scars are healing without new cuts marking her skin. We don't talk about that evening, and I continue to avoid the female attention, the way I did before I came up with that stupid plan. She seems to have forgiven me, for which I'm thankful.
And then finally the day arrives when she gets into my car and we both drive to work together.
I join the rest of the team, while she meets up with the manger.
An hour or so later, I'm probably even more nervous than she is, when Peter enters the cardio workout room. She follows him inside, wearing a sporty team outfit, still looking incredibly sexy to me.
I miss most of Peter's introduction, staring at her and the confident attitude she shows. She seems so open, all friendly smiles, I hardly recognize the shy Bella anymore. I guess doing that act is part of her job, and she performs well.
I'm actually glad. The guys would give her a hard time if they thought she was a fragile sweet student.
Peter explains that today, she'll be working with the injured players first, including me and Paul, who hurt his ankle during practice yesterday.
When I hear Jared ask "hey Miss, do you give happy endings as well?", I nearly jump to attack him, but Bella surprises me by smiling at him and saying "never before game day, I wouldn't want you to strain something."
She then turns around to walk towards her massage room, leaving us dumbfounded.
Paul is the first to start laughing and we all follow. He pats my shoulder and says "that's so bad-ass." He looks like he wants to say more, but then he remains quiet. We both agreed that my relation to Bella would stay between us.
All the guys were allowed to know is that she's my childhood friend and roommate. Nothing else.
During lunch however, he takes his seat across from me and looks at me pointedly.
"What?" I ask, still chewing my meat.
"Nothing," he says, but then grins.
"What?" I ask again, a little more impatient.
"You've got good taste. She's a total hottie. And her hands, my god,…" he rolls his eyes.
I can't help but feeling a little jealous. He's already had his massage and I'm dying to find out how it went, but at the same time, I don't want to know that she's touching them. Even though it's her job and I'm gonna have to get used to it.
So I casually ask "better than mister Reed?" He's our regular physiologist.
"Hell yeah," he laughs out loud, "better than Melissa even."
I nearly gasp. Melissa is a girl Paul has sex with frequently, and he goes on and on about her special talents.
"How do you mean?" I ask, a little confused.
"Don't worry, man, she hasn't done anything out of the ordinary. I just can tell, by the way she touches. I hope Peter gives her a job after this internship. What time are you scheduled?"
"Right after lunch," I say, a little curious now. I want nothing more than to feel Bella's hands on me, but I really wanted them to touch me at home, not here. Not in the same way she touches them all.
And I also still remember how she thought it would be weird. I'll need to be professional. Not let her notice any of my feelings.
Thirty minutes later, I'm lying on the massage table, my heart beating furiously in my chest. She turns around, holding a bottle with oil, and walks over to me.
With a chuckle she says "you look like you're about to see a dentist."
I laugh nervously and ask her apprehensively, "will you find this weird?"
She shrugs and says, "I know I was concerned, but I think I'll be fine. You're more anxious than I am. We don't have to do this if you don't want to."
"I do," I answer quickly, knowing that refusing now would only add to the weirdness, and she nods.
"Just close your eyes and talk to me. What did the guys say about me?"
She starts massaging my calves and our conversations flows.
She talks about her first day, and the way the players were all friendly and making her feel at ease. Her touch is professional, and I shouldn't have worried so much about my response. The atmosphere never feels as intimate as during the hand massage she gave me once in our couch, and before I know it, out time is up.
In the afternoon, we have a field training, while she works with Jared, who is still too injured to join the rest of the team. I hope he's behaving better than he did this morning, but I'm sure he is. Guys like him are always a bit tougher when they're surrounded by friends.
That evening, she waits for me so we can drive home together. We prepare dinner and talk about day.
It feels so perfect, I could get used to this.
And along with Paul, I hope that Peter will offer her a full time job after she graduates.
AN: So Bella is becoming more open, but there is still so much Jacob doesn't know. How do you think he'll respond when he finds out about Peter?