Chapter 12: Truth

I've already lost him. I can tell by the coldness in his eyes when he looks at me. Just like that, I lost my Jacob.

I don't regret not telling him sooner. I would do anything to keep him from getting hurt like this.

But when he walked into the room, and saw Peter sit next to me, he understood. Not everything, but he knew.

It was like I could feel his heart break right there, as mine broke as well.

And now all there is left to do is finish the job. Break him completely.

Not because it would make things easier, but because maybe, in a few years from now, he'll understand and stop hating me.

If only I knew how to begin. How to confess one of my biggest shames, to a man who's already shut me out.

When I keep quiet for too long, his harsh voice nearly makes me jump when he says "go on!"

I know he's just scared, but so am I.

At last, I take a deep breath and with a cracked voice I start, "he's not my boyfriend. I, um, I met him about a year ago, in college. He gave a lecture about the new advances is physiology tests. I knew him before I moved here."

This surprises him, as he opens his eyes to look in my direction.

I notice a flash of hope, and I can read his mind. For one second he believes that maybe he was mistaken and me and Peter are just friends.

But that wouldn't explain why I never told him, why I acted so busted and why I told him earlier that the truth is worse than he imagines.

He realizes this too, and his eyes close again.

"He's not a friend either," I confess.

"Then what is he?" Jacob asks.

"He's… I don't know any other way than to say this, but he's one of my clients."

Again he looks at me, confused, "a client?"

"You know I told you about the massages I give, as a practice. They're not just massages. I guess you could call them happy endings."

Jacob lets out a long breath and then whispers, "you've been giving Peter happy endings?"

I nod, even though he can't see me, but he knows.

"For how long?"

"For as long as I know him."

"Wait a second, you say one of your clients, so there's more?"

Again I nod, and he looks at me again.

There's no disgust on his face. Yet.

Just disbelief. He looks like he has difficulty catching his breath and I'd give anything in the world to just be the sweet fragile Bella in his eyes again, for just one second. To see that adoration, even though I never deserved it.

"What else?" he grumbles.

"What do you mean?"

"Besides happy endings. What else? Are you a…"

He can't say the word, but I know what he means.

"No. Just happy endings."

I want to add that he's still the only one I ever kissed, but that won't do any good now. Because I lied about pretty much everything else.

Slowly his knees get weaker and he clumsily sits down against the door, his hands in his hair.

I wish I could comfort him, or apologize, but I know he won't allow it. I wouldn't either.

His back shakes, but he doesn't make a sound.

After the longest time, he finally whispers, "why?"

"Because I needed the money."

"For what? You have nothing."

"To pay the rent, Jacob."

"But your parents…" He sighs, "your parents aren't paying the rent, are they?"

"No, I haven't talked to my parents in years. They don't know where I am."

"Fuck, Bella, why didn't you tell me, I could have helped out."

"I've been doing this ever since I got out of high school. I ran away from home with literally nothing. First I needed a place to stay, so some clients offered me that, and when I saved enough to pay a deposit, I did it to pay the bills. Long before you got back into my life. Not just for this apartment. I also saved money for college."

"There's other ways to get money," he says, but his voice sounds weaker. He knows that he doesn't really understand the life on the street.

"I know. Social services. But I got kicked out. They gave up on me."

Jacob looks back up, his cheeks wet with silent tears. He still doesn't hate me, he's just struggling to understand, which makes him even more amazing than he already was.

"I didn't know social services could do that, give up on people."

"I didn't play by their rules. They wanted me to get into therapy. About my past. But I kept dropping out. They wanted me to stop seeing clients, which was fair, because they paid me. But I couldn't. I guess it's not just for the money. I, um, I believe this is the only thing I'm really good at. When I'm with clients, they give me attention and I don't feel worthless."

At this, new tears escape his sad eyes. "I give you attention," he whispers.

I can't stay motionless anymore. I sit down next to him and crawl closer, grateful that he doesn't push me away.

"I know, and you helped me on so many levels. I'm not seeing other clients anymore. For the first time in years I was starting to believe that I could do without, because of you."

"Except for Peter," he mutters.

"Peter… he has been kind. It doesn't feel like he's using me. It's more like a business deal. He pays my rent, he offered me a place on the team and now he even offered me a job after I graduate."

"He is using you, too. Shit, Bella, can't you see? He's making you depend on him so he can have his way with you. If he really cared about you, don't you think he'd offer those things without getting something return?"

"He would have given me more, but I never wanted to accept it."

"Because you don't deserve it, right?" he states sarcastically.

"Yes, and because I don't have any feelings for him."

"So he has feelings for you now?"

My cheeks brighten when I murmur, "I think so."

"Great."

After that, we both stay quiet for a long time. My back is starting to hurt, but I don't want to move away from this place. It might be the last time I can be this close to him, close enough to smell his shower gel and feel his warmth.

Eventually I begin with a sigh, "I told you…"

But Jacob cuts me off instantly. "Don't tell me I told you so, or I'll get mad."

A little taken aback I mutter, "I just hope you understand now why I couldn't be with you."

"Not because you don't deserve me," he answers. "Don't go using this as another reason to bring yourself down. Sure I'm hurt and very disappointed and I feel like a complete and utter fool, but not because you saw no other way to survive. I can understand that part. Hell, I probably would have even accepted it. What I don't understand is why you had to lie to me about it. That part is killing me. Me, stupid lovesick man, telling you all my dreams and you having this secret life and lying to my face, like every single day. I just…." he shakes his head without finishing the sentence.

"I'm sorry." The apology escapes anyway, even though I still stand by my decision to hide it. Seeing how hurt he is now only proves that I should have tried harder to keep hiding it.

"Why, Bella? Why'd you lie?"

I expected this question, so I have my answer ready.

"Before you came back into my life, all I could do was hate myself. But then you came, and you looked at me like maybe I'm an angel underneath, innocent and sweet. I knew it was a wrong image, but still, when I was around you, I wasn't so bad anymore. I guess I was selfish. I wanted you to keep seeing me like that. And I didn't think it would matter so much, didn't think we'd be this close again."

"Yeah, I get that you didn't tell me at first, but there's a difference between not sharing the whole truth and flat out lying. Especially when we became friends."

"I know. But by the time that difference became clear, I already felt that you had feelings for me. I didn't want to hurt you. I thought I was protecting you from me."

He just huffs and I continue, "by the time I finally realized I was in love with you, it was too late. I knew I could never be with you because of all the lies. You were already too close, and I had lied too much."

"So you were just gonna continue and never tell me anything?"

"No," I try to defend myself. "Well, yeah, at first that was the plan. But lately, I was dreaming about a future. I thought if I had a real job, I could leave all this stuff behind, and I figured, if it's in the past, it will be easier to come clean."

Suddenly Jacob looks up at me with wide eyes. "Hold on a second, you said you were in love with me?"

"Yeah," I whisper, looking down.

"Jeezus, Bella," he exhales. "That is so not how I wanted to hear about that."

"You weren't supposed to hear about it anyway," I say.

"Then why tell me now? That is so unfair. What a fucking mess." He still doesn't look angry, in fact, he's almost laughing at this miserable situation. But I know he's close to getting up and walking out of that door.

"I'm sorry," is all I can say.

I want to hold on to him, beg him to stay near. Want to cry in his arms and confess that I need him, that I can't live without him. But he's right, it is unfair. It would be all he's been needing to hear for months, and I can't throw myself at him now, now I've broken his heart.

I take a deep breath and then mutter, "I'll go pack my stuff."

"What do you mean," he asks, suddenly serious again.

"I'll move out, I'll find a new place."

"Don't be ridiculous, Bella. You staying here never depended on you being mine, or being truthful even. I would have preferred it, sure, but this is your home too. Unconditionally."

"But you probably don't want to see me anymore?" I ask confused.

"Maybe," he answers. "I'll need some time to be around you again. I don't know if I can ever be close to you again, or ever trust you again. But who knows, maybe things will get easier now my eyes are opened."

Hearing him talk about us like that, casually, as if he's finally rid of those unwanted feelings, it hurts me so much that the tears are starting to roll over my cheeks. This is the second time I lose his friendship, and I'm afraid this time there's no coming back.

He looks at me and reaches out his hand towards my face, possibly to wipe away the tears, but his hand strands in midair before falling back on his lap.

No, he's not going to comfort me now. I wouldn't allow him anyway.

Instead he gets up, and as I expected, he walks out of the door before I can beg him to stay.

If I were richer, I'd take my stuff and go right now. To spare both him and me the hurt of being forced to face what's lost. But I have no place to go and I'm lucky he's not kicking me out.

Instead, I lock myself up in my room, much like I have all week, and I cry my eyes out. Knowing that tonight, there won't be two warm arms to hold me and whisper to me that things will be alright.

AN: I'm sorry I've hurt them both, but this was bound to happen, the truth had to come out somehow. What do you think about Jacob's response?