Chapter 13: More than ever

It's been three weeks now and slowly life is becoming easier again.

I never meant to ignore her, but we haven't seen each other much those weeks. I think she's trying to avoid me.

I have no idea how she's doing and at the moment, that's probably for the best. It's not as if I don't care. I do care. It just hurts too much to think of her.

She doesn't get out of bed much, doesn't eat much, but in contrast to that, she leaves the house regularly and I really don't want to know where she's going. I don't ask and she doesn't tell.

Sometimes she leaves me meals that she prepared. As a favor to her, I eat them, but I'd rather not because it reminds me of the many romantic nights we shared here.

The only thing I can do at the moment is focus on my career. I train as hard as I can, focus as much and I can and I feel myself getting fitter every day.

Bella hasn't been back to work, despite her arrangement with Peter, and neither has Jared. Because we lost the game against last year's champion a week ago, we're back to being second in the ranking, but we're still happy about that, because our games are good and we get a decent level. We just got unlucky last week. It happens.

Tonight, there's another game and we are only looking ahead now.

When we're all sitting in the lounge, relaxing and gaming, Peter suddenly appears and asks, "Jacob, can I have a word with you, please?"

Peter I have been avoiding. And I've done a good job at it too, because I've never been in the same room with him since I saw him leave my apartment.

What could he possibly want from me?

Reluctantly I get up and follow him to his office. He politely offers me the seat across his desk, but I refuse. My mind is already wondering how many times she had her hands on him, right here in this office.

"How is Bella doing?" Peter asks, as casual as possible. Still I notice that he's nervous about asking.

He probably knows what happened between me and her, probably knows that he broke my heart. Did they talk about me before or after his happy endings? Did he inwardly laugh at my foolishness?

I don't answer and just stare at him. How dare he ask me about Bella?

With a cold voice I reply, "I don't know, why don't you ask her?"

"She doesn't answer my calls. She hasn't in weeks. I thought you knew."

When I simply stare at him, he continues, "that night I came over she called me up and told me that you found out and that she can't see me anymore."

"I see," I mutter.

"I, um, I'm really sorry, Jacob. I knew you liked her, and you're a great guy, but I like her too. I guess I thought I had a chance."

"That makes two of us," I murmur.

"Are you mad at her because of me?"

"I don't want to talk about it. Especially not with you. And I don't know why Bella isn't talking to you. I haven't told her to stop. So can I go again now?"

"I'm just worried about her. I respect her choice to not see me anymore, but… she's not the most stable girl. She must be devastated, losing two of her friends, having no income and now she's risking the internship as well. Her chance for a job."

"She had a job," I say, "you saw to that."

Peter rubs his hand over his eyes and then sighs.

"I know what it must look like, and I'm probably not innocent. But I can promise you I wanted nothing but the best for her. I encouraged her to continue her education, on the times she felt like quitting. Would I have done that if I needed her to depend on me? I wanted to offer her so much, but she wouldn't accept it. Unless she was able to give me something in return. It was never what I really wanted from her."

"You shouldn't have agreed. Not with the way she sees men, with her past."

"What about that? I don't know anything about her past."

"No, I guess not," I reply.

I don't really know about her past either, but I have a strong feeling that her father and brother beat her repeatedly.

She never told me anything about this, but I've been wondering about the bruises she kept showing, and the trust issues she has with men. Especially men that come close to her, like Jared did.

Whenever she showed up in my room, back when we were kids, she seemed cheerful enough, but there has to be a reason why she felt like escaping home on so many occasions. And there has to be a reason why she broke off contact with her parents. So that's why I believe they were violent with her.

"Anyways," Peter says, "I'm her past too now, I know that. She's never felt anything about me, that was just my dreams. But I still care about her and I'm afraid she might do something stupid."

"She's lived through worse," I say, but I'm not sure if that is actually true. I know that Peter is right to worry. When life was worse for her, she did try to commit suicide. And her disappointment must be so much higher, now she was finally starting to get hope.

I sigh, "I'll talk to her."

"Thank you, Jacob."

When I get back to the lounge room, I don't feel like playing games anymore. Instead I plug in my music and it takes me a long time to be focused on the game again.

We end up playing a brilliant match, all of us.

Time is almost up and we're leading three to one, when the referee gives the other team's goalie a red card for tackling our attacker. We get a penalty and the crowd starts to shout my name. Paul is our usual penalty guy, but now we're leading and the game is almost finished, the players don't mind giving the crowd their way.

I get a little nervous, but the replacing goalie looks even more anxious and I know that I can do it.

"Careful who you point at," Paul says, while wishing me luck one last time.

Four weeks ago, after I scored, I pointed at nowhere in particular, after I told Bella I would dedicate my goal to her. The camera crew tried their hardest to figure out who exactly I was pointing at, but they didn't find the right person. Ever since, they've been hoping for me to do it again, so they can figure it out.

That is why, after I score our fourth goal of the evening, I run to the sidelines and lift my finger towards the crowd.

And then I see her.

Bella is standing right there, hiding in between the dancing supporters.

Our eyes lock, but my team mates catch up with me and tackle me to the ground in joy.

By the time I get up again, she's gone. But the image of Bella standing there, it stays with me the rest of the night.

And it's a long night. For today, we're number one again, because the leading team will only play tomorrow, so that has to be celebrated.

I'm so tired by the time I get home, that I nearly walk past her. The lights are out, but she's still in the couch.

"Oh, uh, hi," I stutter.

"Good game," she simply says.

"Thanks. How did you get there?" I ask, and I immediately regret it because I'm afraid it would be one of her clients. No matter what Peter told me earlier tonight.

"I walked there."

"That's like a forty minute walk?"

"I know. But I didn't want to miss it."

"Where you there two weeks ago as well?"

"Yeah."

"I could have given you a lift," I say, but I understand why she didn't ask me.

"That's alright. I needed the fresh air anyway. A long walk is the perfect time to think."

I almost ask what she was thinking about, but I hold my tongue.

Instead I hesitate whether or not to keep talking or disappear into my room for a long sleep like I intended to.

She suddenly says, as an answer to my unspoken question, "I'm in therapy."

"Oh," is all I manage.

"Yeah. In case you wonder where I keep going to, if I'm not doing the internship."

"That's not my business."

"Still, I wanted you to know."

I'm grateful that she told me, but I won't say that. And I won't ask her all the questions that pop into my head. Like what is the therapy for? Is she working on her self esteem? Is she trying to get rid of her addiction to get men off? Or is she talking about her violent past, her relationship with her father and brother?

Instead I ask something else, a legitimate question, but a mean one nevertheless.

"How are you paying for that?"

"Social services," she explains, "I went back. I want to make things right. I can't live like this anymore. I hate therapy and I hate what it does to me, but I hate myself even more without it."

I'm not sure what to do with this personal confession, not when we haven't really been talking at all.

"That's, um, that good for you. I hope it helps."

I can tell that she's taken aback by my impersonal remarks, and I wish I could just forget about the way she hurt me.

But I'm afraid I'll do something stupid.

The thing is, ever since she told me that she's in love with me too, the hurt isn't the only thing that's on my mind.

I hate to be so weak, but there's this spark inside me, that still says "maybe". After all the lies she's told me, I still love her and it's pathetic.

At night, when I'm not strong anymore, I imagine little stories about making things right with her. She would for instance tell me that losing me made her realize holding back is stupid and beg me to take her back, as a girlfriend this time. I know it's silly and during the day I'm ashamed about it, but it's a comfortable little dream world.

I'm afraid I'll try to make it real as soon as I'm close to her again. But in this world, the lies still exist.

Just when I'm about to move towards my room, I notice in the dark that she's crying.

I immediately forget about my fear and sit down next to her. I don't hold her but I say, "I think it's very brave that you want to try therapy again. How is it going?"

"It's horrible," she sobs, "I feel like I'm fucking crying all day. I never used to be like this."

"Hmm. I guess that's the healing?" I try.

"It doesn't feel like healing. But I have to stick with it. Social services only agreed to pay part of my rent if I followed that therapy. I signed their papers and if I drop out, I'll be in debt. I'm no longer… doing that other thing."

"I know," I say, "I talked to Peter today."

"You have? Oh fuck, I totally forgot about him. Another one I hurt."

"He's doing fine."

"Yeah?" she asks, while looking up at me with those big eyes.

How can a girl so damaged still seem so innocent? Maybe that's what happens when people damage you before you get a chance to ever harm anyone. Time stands still and you get frozen in that state, no matter what shit goes wrong after.

I understand that she still cares about Peter, so even though I don't want to talk about him, I still reassure her. "He's accepted it and he said he kinda knew it all along. He's just worried about you, that's all, he'll be fine."

"I should have done this so much sooner, before people got so invested they got hurt, including me."

"Maybe you needed to hit rock bottom first."

"Yeah, probably."

We sit in silence for a while, until she finally stops crying and I wonder when would be the right time to get to bed.

It's as if she can read my mind, when she suddenly says, "Jacob?"

"Yeah."

"Do you think we can ever be friends again? I mean, I know you can't right now, but in the future? If I promise to never ever lie to you again."

"I don't know, Bella. Nobody has ever lied to me like that before. I'm not sure how long this will take."

And yet. And yet I want to say yes with all my heart.

I want to hold her, I want to tell her I'll drive her to therapy, I'll be there for her, I'll support her all the way.

But now is a time to think about me for a change.

Because if I did support her, and if she drops out and starts having clients again, I'll be more broken than ever before. I need to be stronger first.

In a soft whisper she says, "I miss you terribly."

"Yeah," I whisper back. "I miss you too. A lot. Doesn't change anything. Sorry."

"I know," she speaks. Then she places her warm hand on my arm, and says "thank you," before getting up and walking to her room.

Instead of falling asleep as soon as I hit the mattress, I escape into my dream world, in which her warm hand moves up my arm towards my cheek and pulls me closer for a kiss.

Damn her for being so unfair, for confessing her love right when I was feeling weak and vulnerable.

For making me hate and love her more than ever at the same time.

AN: Jacob is trying to figure things out but he just can't imagine the whole picture. Either way, they are both healing, just not doing it together. What are your thoughts?