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Chapter 15: At last

When I wake up, I notice that she's staring at me.

Her expression is unreadable and I hope with all my heart it's not regret. I could handle her mood swings as long as I was sure about her, and about my feelings.

But now I'm not. There's this voice that screams inside me "get out while you still can, she'll be the end of you." I've always been able to avoid that, but if she does as much as pull back just a little, I'll be gone.

Ever so slowly, she leans in closer to me, as if she's going to kiss me again. I smile at her, but at the last second, she changes her mind and nuzzles my neck instead, hiding her face from me.

I understand that she's scared as well, I don't mind that. My arms wrap around her fragile form and pull her closer to me. Not too much, I don't want to scare her away with my morning wood. But she clearly doesn't mind and wraps herself around me completely, both arms and legs.

I smile and whisper in her hair "cutie."

She groans shyly and mutters "good morning."

"What made you change your mind about kissing me? Was it my breath?" I ask jokingly.

She leans back to rest her head on my arm and look at me, still blushing.

"I just didn't want to… assume anything. That we're a couple or something. I mean, I know I'm not forgiven just because of last night."

"I don't know," I reply, "I'm not really sure what it feels like to actually forgive. I'm no longer mad at you, so maybe that's the same?"

She smiles sweetly, "that's a start. But I don't expect you to trust me ever again."

"Maybe we can learn to trust together. Because you never trusted me before either."

Her face falls a bit with these words and I realize I sound accusing. I don't mean to point fingers, not now.

"I do trust you," she whispers.

"In a way," I try to explain, "but you never really trusted me with the truth."

She replies, "I never trusted me with the truth. These are things I never told anyone, things I do but don't even like to admit to myself. There's only so much self-hate I can take. I can honestly swear that I trust you more than I trust myself."

I smile. This is the most open she's ever been with me, and I like it. I knew I would. Even with the lies she's told me, there's nothing evil about her.

That doesn't mean she's harmless, but she'd never intentionally hurt me. I know that much.

I lean closer to her and whisper, "if you like, you can assume that we're together."

Then my lips kiss her sweet smile and again, we lose ourselves in a deep and intense kiss.

I wouldn't say it's sexual, more desperate and emotional. But I still get very much aroused by her body being so close to mine, her tongue gently stroking mine and her fingertips digging into my back, pulling me closer.

I'd love to make her mine completely, to bury myself inside her and never let go.

But that would be too soon. When I allow those sexy thoughts, immediately my mind brings up images of her with Peter and I pull back again.

Maybe that's a sign of her not being completely forgiven.

"What's wrong?" she whispers, while brushing my hair away from my forehead in a gentle movement.

I hesitate but then decide to open up as well.

"Have you really stopped… that other stuff?"

"Yeah," she nods, clearly ashamed.

"And do you, like, sometimes miss it?"

She thinks about this question and I already regret asking it.

"Not the act on itself," she explains, "I never enjoyed any of that. Not once."

"But?" I ask.

"I know it's a bad habit, but I've been doing it for so long. I guess it somehow gave me comfort. Easy attention. Easy money. I think maybe I do miss that."

"I haven't been a good friend lately," I say, knowing that I'm part of the reason why she didn't get any attention.

She shakes her head, "don't say that. The fact that you could stand me, that you allowed me to live here still, that you never looked at me with disgust or hate, that makes you the best friend ever."

I smile even though I didn't do enough.

"I should have paid you more attention before. I should have seen things. You tried to tell me so many times, that you weren't as innocent as I thought you were, but I just denied it all. Because I thought you were bringing yourself down for no reason and I couldn't accept that. Maybe if I had listened…"

"Don't do that Jacob, you were the perfect friend. I just wasn't ready to talk about stuff."

"And you are now?" I ask.

"Slowly," she nods, looking up at me with her big eyes.

"I think I need to know about those clients," I start hesitantly. "I probably don't want to know, but I still need to. I keep picturing things."

"You can ask me anything," she says, "and I'll try to answer the best I can."

"Like, um, how many clients? Probably too much to count?"

I try to hide the fact that this whole thing is making me very insecure, even though I have some experience with girls as well.

She hides her face against my neck again. "I wouldn't say that much, it's not like I've been doing that every day of the week. But over the course of the years, in total, I can't put a number on that."

"How many regulars? How many like Peter?"

"Most don't return that much. Because I have my boundaries. In the beginning, when I was younger, clients were more patient with me. I guess they liked my youth and they saw the boundaries as a sign of innocence. I had more regulars then, luckily for me, because they helped me survive the worst years away from home."

"And now?"

"Just Peter. All the others returned once or twice and that's it."

"What do you mean by boundaries?"

"I, um, I don't give them everything they want."

"You mean you don't go all the way?" That's another thing I wanted to know. I already figured out that she never kissed with clients, since she told me I was the only one. But that doesn't mean she's a virgin.

"No, never," she shakes her head. "They are not allowed to touch me. Ever."

I think about Jared and I know guys won't try to break that rule twice.

"And Peter?" I ask softly.

She shakes her head against my neck. That somehow fills me with relief.

"Never?" I add.

"No. I swear. I guess he thought that maybe in the future… I don't know. He was kind and patient, never pushed me to do anything and he took care of me, like paying me lots and giving me that job. I think he really cared."

She speaks with sadness in her voice and I can't help feeling that pang of jealousy.

When I stay quiet too long, she continues, "I never felt anything for him though."

"So you didn't… enjoy doing that stuff with him?"

"No. I felt good about myself, to be able to give something back to him. But I can't say I liked it. Usually I just shut my mind off and go someplace else inside my head."

"It's a shame," I murmur, more to myself than to her. She looks up at me in confusion.

I explain, "it's a shame that you believed that sex was all you had to offer someone."

She stays silent for a long time and just when I believe she's fallen asleep again, she mumbles, "you have nothing to be jealous about. You were and still are the only one I've ever wanted near me."

I kiss her on the lips and I know she's right. I'm being silly if I let this get to me. I've been with lots of girls, and most of them I wanted near me at the time. I've even been in love before, where Bella hasn't.

But that's all in the past now. This moment it all feels so far away; I can't imagine ever loving anyone else, not in my past and not in my future. In a way, it's always been her.

Our kiss deepens and again my body reacts instantly.

I'm a perfect gentleman though. I understand now that no man has ever touched her, not with her consent, so I'll be patient. It might take her a while to overcome her trust issues, but I've got time. This is already more than I ever hoped to get from her.

When my lower body starts to ache, I lean back and make a move to get up. She groans in protest and tries to pull me against her.

"Let's have breakfast," I try.

"I'm not hungry," she objects.

"Okay," I smile, "let me be a little more clear. I need a shower. A cold one."

"Oh," she says, and her face falls. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," I chuckle, while placing a soft kiss on her nose.

As I get into the shower, I decide to use my arousal to get a release, so instead of a cold shower, I turn on the warm water. I'm still hard and my whole skin feels tingly after kissing her for so long.

When the pouring water runs over my body, and my mind recalls the feeling of her underneath me, I become even harder.

I've been holding back for too long, so I don't tease myself any longer. As soon as my hand slides over my wet cock, I feel my tip swell and it only takes a few strokes before I climax.

The waves flow through me, all the way to my fingertips, and I feel like a new born man when I enter the kitchen and kiss her goodbye for the day.

Three hours later I'm having lunch with Paul.

"So?" he asks, while chewing down his steak.

"What?" I ask, as innocent as possible.

"Are you gonna tell me what you're grinning about all day, or what?"

"Can't I hide anything around here?" I complain, smiling anyway.

"It's Bella," he states, and I nod with the widest grin.

"So you forgave her?"

I nod.

Paul doesn't know the entire story, since I do respect Bella's and Peter's privacy, but I made up a story about Bella and Peter having a history from before she ran into me. I explained that I was very upset she never told me, and the reason behind her secrecy is because she's ashamed to have had an affair with an older man.

"I told you it was only a matter of time," he says smugly, "so are you gonna tell me about it or are you gonna keep grinning like that?"

"There's nothing much to say. We didn't talk things through or solve things, or anything. It just happened. She was in the couch and usually she's gone by the time I finish dinner, but now she stayed there. And we talked a little, and then it just happened."

"Details man, what happened?"

I smile at his eagerness. I guess I'd be curious too if he had a new girlfriend, especially if he had been pining after her for so long.

"She kissed me," I explain. "And obviously I kissed her back."

"And then?" he rolls his eyes because I'm still not giving him the information he's waiting for.

"And then nothing."

"Come on, do you expect me to believe that? She's all you ever dream about and then she kisses you and you get up and say "see ya" ?"

"We held each other all night and then kissed some more this morning," I say, realizing how cheesy that sounds.

When he gives me a pointed look I add, "do you expect me to jump her bones after what she's been through?"

"Hell yeah", he laughs, but then says, "no, I guess you wouldn't. Always the gentleman."

"Shut up."

"Anyways, are you together now?"

"Yeah, I think so," I say, smiling widely again. "There's still some issues left, but we'll deal with that later. For now, things are simple and we're together."

Just thinking about her makes my stomach flip over and over.

In a dreamy voice I repeat, "Bella Swan is my girlfriend," as if I'm still trying to believe it.

Again Paul rolls his eyes, but not without smiling at me affectionately, and I don't care anyway how lame and cheesy I sound.

My girl, the girl who was meant for me ever since we met as kids, she's mine now.

At last.

AN: Happy? :D