Chapter 17: Needs

"Hey sweetie," I greet her when she walks in.

I prepared dinner, but I won't ask her to sit with me, even though it's a Friday night. Whenever Bella returns from therapy, she needs some time to herself first.

There is still a lot she can't share with me, but I will be patient.

"Smells great," she says, when standing on her tip toes to give me a kiss. I pull her close for just one second and murmur against her neck, "you smell better."

She smiles and then walks over to the couch, where she spends her time after therapy. Not in her room; I believe in there she feels the desperation too much.

Her loud music is filling the space through the ear plugs and I eat in silence while studying her features from a distance. A few tears escape her eyes, but no sobbing this time.

And then at once, the music stops and she pulls out a notebook and starts scribbling down the words in a fast pace. I know she's been working on writing letters.

The first one she wrote to herself. She told me a little bit about that one, about the anger and resentment she felt towards her younger self, which wasn't really fair. I assume the therapist is working on her self-hate and I hope with all my heart that he'll make progress. There is nobody who can bring Bella down the way she does, and I have wished so many times she would stop doing that.

I understand now that her hate, in her eyes, has valid reasons and you can't just abandon what you believe in.

On other occasions she writes to her mother, but never talks about what's inside. It's not finished, she often tells me. When I ask if it will ever be, she just mutters, "maybe, when I can forgive".

One of her letters was for me, and I did receive that one, even though she kept insisting it wasn't ready and wasn't any good.

I still read it regularly.

"Dear Jacob,

This is the first letter in which I will not write about forgiving, but about being forgiven.

So I am sorry this is not the love letter you are hoping to get. I might write that one soon, don't worry.

As I am learning in therapy the most important thing is to forgive myself, it is not really your forgiveness I need in order to move on. But Tom, the all-knowing-one, told me that you are the only one who can help me with this part.

I cannot begin to explain how sorry I am, for hurting you the way I did, for lying about so many things. There is not a day that goes by without regretting the moment I broke your heart. I know lying is a second nature to me, but it should have been different with you.

I can come up with all kinds of excuses, like how hard it is for me to trust someone, but I should have trusted you. Above everybody else.

I'm sorry about hiding my past as well, even though I still don't see any other way. Tom wants you to come along to one of our sessions, he says it's only fair that you know everything, but I just don't agree. I'm sorry, I can't.

Please please please understand. I want you to be part of my future, a future in which my past won't matter. I really hope you don't see that as a lack of trust, because right now, this moment, I trust you more than anybody else. Even more than him.

Love,

Bella."

Most of the things in there I already knew, how sorry she was and how she trusts me now but still can't or won't talk about her past, and obviously I repeated to her over and over that she's forgiven for that, that she's healed me.

The one sentence that did surprise me, and that I keep remembering is "I want you to be part of my future."

Even though she hasn't told me she loves me to my face, that's gotta mean something.

When she's finished writing, she slowly puts her notebook away. My food is already cleaned up, but I put her share on a plate. It sits there, just like me, patiently waiting for her.

She doesn't take as long as other days, and when she walks over to me, I'm surprised by her smile.

"You know it's creepy to simply watch your girlfriend for an hour," she chuckles, when she notices that the newspaper in front of me hasn't been opened yet.

"But I like watching you", I grin, while I get up and place her plate in the microwave.

When she's eating hungrily, I give my curiosity a try.

"How did it go? Wrote another letter?"

"Hmm," she mumbles, and then shakes her head. "Not really a letter, no. It's more like memories."

"Happy memories?" I guess by her good mood.

"Sort of. He wanted me to write down what I liked about Edward, before…. before he changed."

I don't recall them ever liking each other, but she only moved next door when we were about eight.

"So you were buddies once?"

"Yeah, we were close. Mom and dad were always… well, you know what they are like," she explains.

Only I have no idea what they are like. They seem like people who are polite and civil, but from what I've gathered so far, the family was far from perfect.

"Edward and me would sort of team up. I really looked up to him. I guess after a while he decided to switch teams," she says in a sad voice.

"And why did you need to write down those memories?"

I wonder what good it could do to her, to realize how much she's lost and how much she misses the big brother she used to have.

"I'm not sure," she mutters, while inhaling the food I prepared. "it's supposed to help me see that people are not all good or all bad. I'm too black and white sometimes. And most people should be in a grey zone, but I don't have that."

I get what she means, I've seen her turn around completely on friends in high school when they did something wrong. Even the tiniest mistake could be a proof to her that they are really rotten on the inside, only good at hiding it.

I could never use the "you make mistakes too" card on her, because she already believed she was rotten, too. I would only prove her point.

"Does it work?" I ask, "do you see Edward differently now?"

She thinks about this question. "No. Now I just see two brothers, the good one I had first and the bad one I had later, as if he switched from good to bad in one second. I suppose Tom still has some work to do," she adds sarcastically.

For the millionth time I wonder what exactly Edward did to get on her black list just like that. I know it doesn't take much, but she is able to forgive people she loves. She's proven that with me. I treated her badly as well, and she wasn't even angry about that.

So did Edward watch her get beaten by her father without helping her? Did he put the blame for some stuff on her, the way brothers and sisters do, so their father would get mad at her?

And then the worst idea pops into my head. She said he switched teams...

Suddenly I realize that Edward probably joined her father in beating her.

All the while when we were kids I thought her father and brother were being overly protective, only to realize now she needed protection against them.

"Hey," Bella says, while stretching out her hand to touch my brow. She must have seen the anger and the worry on my face. "Relax," she says, "let's drop the subject and start our Friday night."

Two hours later, we're both in the couch in our PJ's, curled up against each other. There's two empty glasses of wine next to us, and the romantic movie we saw is coming to an end. Of course they will all live happily ever after. I used to hate fluffy movies like that, but I don't anymore, now I have my own happiness here in my arms.

While I'm having this thought, I can imagine Paul's pained expression, when he whines about how cheesy I have become.

After the movie is over, she's almost asleep in my arms. My body aches to be closer to her, but I never expect to make out with her on a therapy day, so that's okay.

I switch off the TV and the lights, and carefully carry her to bed. I kiss her on her hair and hesitate whether or not I should stay. She wasn't that upset tonight so maybe she likes to cuddle.

Before I make a decision, her warm hand wraps around my arm and pulls me down next to her. So that settles it, I think smiling.

By the time I've taken off my PJ's – when next too her, I sleep in boxers only – and we're both underneath her blanket, she doesn't seem so sleepy anymore.

Her lips are making trails over my naked shoulder and already I'm embarrassingly hard.

She knows I'm patient and waiting for her to take the next step. And not just because I'm being a gentleman. Wit her past, and her trust issues, the only right thing to do is be patient.

Even when it hurts.

Luckily Bella doesn't get upset by my boners. So that's why I don't let it bother me or don't keep any distance. With my arms around her, I pull her closer.

Her lips move from my shoulder towards my neck. I want her to keep kissing me right there, it's driving me absolutely wild. But my lips are hungry too, and I can't allow myself to get too wild, so I pull her up against me to kiss her deeply.

Her thigh slowly moves up over my legs and then over my hips until it brushes over my hard-on, agonizingly slow. She moves it up even more and then straddles me, while her chest still rests on mine.

I gasp for air but she continues kissing me. Through her thin pajamas I feel the heat radiating off her, right there where I need her heat the most.

Just two layers of fabric. My mind is screaming at me, "take it off, take those clothes away, let me in, please, just let me…"

Damn.

All the while she keeps kissing me, without making any other movements that might show me she needs me there as well.

Oh God, I hope she's not just waiting for me to make a move. That would be mean, she knows I'm trying to be patient and she knows she can have me. Wherever and whenever she wants.

Especially right now. All she has to do is… oh god, she's moving now.

She presses her belly against mine, her pubic area pushed against my throbbing cock. If she keeps this up, I might come in my boxers.

And still, she just keeps kissing, deeply but not desperately. Moans escape my throat, but she doesn't make a sound.

My hands carefully move over her hips and I try my hardest not to push her down against me.

She's stopped her movements again and pulls back.

I'm not sure what her expression means, is that the same longing I feel? Or is it something else? It's too dark to see.

She leans down to make a new trail of kisses, over my jaw to my ear, and then to my neck again.

My hands find their way underneath her top and gently caress the skin of her back and her sides.

When her tongue reaches my neck, I nearly lose it. My fingers dig into her back, and without my consent, my hips jerk up just a little bit.

She is still quiet, but the way she continues to drive me mad must mean that she enjoys this too, right? Her tongue keeps licking that sensitive spot, right where my shoulder meets my neck, and then she gently sucks it.

"Fuck," I mutter, using all my strength to not flip us over and pound her here on the bed, "Fuck, Bella, I want you so, so bad…"

This couldn't be a surprise to her, sure she must realize how freaking insane she makes me by teasing me like that, for over a month now.

And yet, she suddenly jumps up, away from me. As if I burned her.

In the darkness I can still see how wide her eyes are, wide with panic, and I know I ruined it.

She gets out of bed and flees from the room, only to be followed by me a few seconds later.

"Bella, I'm sorry, I didn't mean…" I start, and then I see her on the couch, curled up in a ball, sobbing.

"Shit, Bella," I rush over to her and pull her into my arms. She doesn't push me away but doesn't put her arms around me either.

"I can wait, you know that, please Bella, don't be upset, I'm sorry."

"Don't be," she whispers.

"I am, I don't want to upset you. You know I can wait, please tell me that you know that."

"You shouldn't have to," she mutters in between sobs.

"Of course I do. I love you. Bella, please look at me." I lift her chin in my hand and repeat, "I love you."

At this she starts crying harder again.

"Why is that bad?" I ask.

"Because…." she shakes her head.

I keep trying to soothe her, almost in shock by this sudden switch she made. I thought she was taking the lead, I believed she was enjoying it and now all of the sudden this.

I have no idea what's going on and I tell myself to just never make out with her again on a therapy day. She's simply too vulnerable.

"Because I don't deserve it," she then mutters.

I groan and take a deep breath.

This again.

"Bella, please, we agreed that you'd let me decide on that, right?"

"But it's not about waiting," she wails.

"What isn't?"

"You said you'd wait for me, but there's no point. I'll never…" again she shakes her head.

"You'll never what?"

"I won't ever be able to make love to you."

I take a few seconds to process what she just said. I still have no idea what she means exactly.

"You were just now making love to me," I try. I need to convince her that this is enough, I need nothing more from her, even though my body clearly wants everything.

"You know what I mean," she says with a stern look. "I can't go all the way. Ever. I can't."

She buries her face in my neck and cries.

I wish I could find the words to comfort her right now, let her know that that's okay, that I don't need it. I should lie to her and tell her that this will be okay forever, if that would take the pressure off her. In my heart I believe that she'll get over those issues once we get more comfortable together.

But instead of saying those things I just stay quiet.

Because right this moment, when I have this ache in my shorts and this fire inside every cell of me that longs for her, I can't imagine never ever making love to her.

I do need it.

Maybe it's pathetic, but I love her so much, I need to share with her everything that is me, I need to feel her naked body next to me and I need to make her experience that same fire. I want to make love to her every single day for the rest of our lives, I want to make her the mother of my babies.

Those thoughts run through my head as she cries in my arms.

At last, I calm down and finally find the words I should have said straight away, "that's fine, Bella. We'll be fine."

But it's too late.

She shakes her head and says, "it's not fine. You are this… amazing and passionate man. You told me yourself you miss sex and it's clear that being in love makes you … crave it more. You can't deny that, Jacob."

"We'll be fine," I repeat, but she continues.

"I can't do this. I'll only end up hating myself even more and you'll hate me for making you want something that I can never give."

"That's not true," I object, definitely not liking the direction this is heading.

"I can't do this," she sobs again, "it's not working."

"It's just sex," I mutter. But we both know that's a lie.

Just a moment ago I was convinced that I did need it. I just don't want it to be a breaking point.

But clearly she's made up her mind. I recognize her stubborn frown and I know there's nothing I can say now.

"Are you… breaking up with me?" I ask, while I start to become numb.

"I'm sorry," she wails. "Please don't be mad at me, I can't explain, I just…" she doesn't continue but new sobs escape her chest.

"Please don't tell me I'm losing you over sex? I need you more than I need sex, I swear."

Bella doesn't answer for the longest time and then retreats from my embrace.

She takes a deep breath and says, in an almost steady voice "it's for the best, Jacob. Right now, you need me more than you need sex, even though we both know how much you want it. And maybe you believe I'm being dramatic here when I say I can never give you that, but I'm not. I knew you would try to convince me that you'd make that sacrifice, and you would succeed as well. But Jacob, look at this from where I'm standing, do you honestly think I can ask that of you? Knowing how I feel about myself, I already feel like crap every time you get aroused..."

Hearing her say this feels like a slap in my face and she can tell that she hurt me.

"I'm sorry, it's not your fault, I just put pressure on myself. Every kiss would be a reminder of what I can never give, it would poison us. It would be better to end this now and try and save our friendship."

After these words, she gets up and leaves me there on the couch, completely dumbstruck and devastated.

Again.

AN: So this is an important moment, it could go different ways from here. Please share your thoughts? What do you think will happen? What should Jacob do? Leave her be? Go after her?