Hi. (Grin)
SidePlot? Go! (Giggles)

See ya at the bottom.

"I didn't mean to make you feel out of place
By the comments on your clothing or the makeup on your face
I didn't mean to preempt the chase…"
"I'm Afraid Of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" -Murder By Death

XXX

A-(Not So)-Sexual Man
Side the First:
Brothers, 1

Would you think it was weird if I told you I've been in love with my brother, since before he was my brother?

I mean, I have my actual brother, Jasdero- but when mom got married, when we were eight, we got two others. But even then, we'd already known Wisely and Finny for a while. And for as long as I could remember, I'd been in love with this man- Adam's only real son.

But back then it was a joke- the adults would laugh about how I would run from my mom every time we stopped over and immediately run to look for him if he wasn't right there. No one really thought that much of it back then.

But then mom and Adam got married. I was too young then to understand what was really happening.

My mother had been friends with Adam since they were young- his first wife, Wisely's mother, had been her best friend. They'd gotten a lot closer after Joann died in the accident.

My father had been a friend of their's for a while- but he was a deadbeat who took off as soon as he found out she was pregnant with us. Like I said, deadbeat.

But when my mother, Abigale, found out she had a tumor in her head, Adam- in one of his ever-generous moods said without missing a beat that he would take us in when she was no longer able.

But it was no big secret that raising the both of us had put a lot of strain on my mother, physically and financially. And when the hospital bills got to be too much and mom stopped going to her check-ups, I understood- even as a seven year old- it wasn't good. Wisely was the one I told- and he immediately took me to tell Adam, using a guilt trip and all. But I never held it against him. Because Wisely's intervention lead to Adam demanding we move in with him- all three of us- and that he would take care of the bills as long as she focused her all on getting better.

Cassidy, Adam's then wife- Fin's mom- threw a fit and ended up leaving him soon after we moved in. Adam wouldn't let mom blame herself for it- they'd been having problems long before that.

Adam was an odd man, I learned in those first few weeks. He liked black coffee in the mornings followed directly by a bitter tea of some kind. He had an assortment of live plants he kept in the study- that kept more plants than books. And he never ate potatoes- no reason really, just said he didn't like the flavor… Odd, right? But he loved Wisely… In an odd nagging kind of why that the eleven year old Wisely hated- well, that he hated outwardly, anyway. Knowing him now, I know he adopted that teasing habit to anyone he cares about- it's just the Walker way. Allen's the same, sometimes.

And during that fall and winter while we lived with Adam and Wisely and Finny, with his on-again-off-again mom popping in randomly- only to get aggravated a few days later and leave again- I fell even more in love with that guy who wasn't yet my brother. His voice, his odd habit, and him- everything he did made me itch to know more and more and more… Then I didn't know what it was called- what to make of it. He made me feel warm whenever he was around- like I was near something special and bright- that was all I knew.

That winter Jasdero and I turned eight.

The next few days Christmas came around, and Adam's house was quickly flooding with people. I tried to meet them with an open mind- and they oddly met us with open arms.

People tricked in from the twenty-second, just after our birthday, right up until the afternoon of Christmas Eve. Mom stayed in bed most of the time, and Jas and I stuck together- usually in a corner.

Wisely kept a watchful eye on us, from wherever he was in the room and never went far. Finny was in an out, actually coming over to check on us some of the time. The brash fourteen year old managed to introduce us to the older people quickly, knowing neither of us liked unknown elements very well.

Jas was beyond shy until he hit his teens, and I was- and still am to some extent- socially defunct, as Wisely liked(s) to put it. That Christmas just didn't seem to agree with us either. Jasdero kept getting sick and I just remember being so angry- at everything.

But then, the two oddest things seemed to happen- and they yielded results that still manage mystify me.

"Sarah smiles like Sarah doesn't care,
She lives in her world so unaware,
Does she know that my destiny lies with her…
Sarah (Sarah) Oh Sarah (Sarah)
Are you saving me?…"
"Sarah Smiles" -Panic! At The Disco

Neah, Wisely's uncle took a seat at the piano half a wall away from us, while the rest of the family quickly move to situate themselves in the room.

I can remember how my skin grew hot being in such a close proximity to all of them- and I remember Jasdero shaking next to me on the small couch. But before any of them could get too close Wisely had perched himself on the arm of the sofa that was near another chair- a table on the other side then the area to the back of the piano- effectively staving off the people around us from getting too close. Jasdero then somehow managed to wedge himself further into the corner and my shoulder at the same time, while Wisely was throwing both of us encouraging smiles the entire time.

"Alright, alright," Neah was suddenly shushing everyone, as his wife- Sofia- quickly took her seat next to him on the bench- her silver eyes shining. I can remember looking around as they all quieted their murmuring and spotting their daughter, Robin seated on the couch next to the chair on Wisely's other side. Next to her was a small seven year old girl, with raven hair and dark eyes- Rhode- and seated in Robin's lap was the almost-ten year old Allen- who's hair was the same Recessive-Walker-Gene-White as Wisely's and his sister's.

These were my first memories of these people.

Finny had taken up a seat on the chair between Wisely and Robin. And I know now that it was a tradition that the younger people sat further from the piano- because passed where Robin sat with Allen and Rhode there was Tyki in a wingback, then Cyril and Tricia were lounging on the chaise next to him, then Cassidy was oddly present today with Adam next to her on their other side. And the Maggie- an older cousin- with her brothers Paul and Jude wedged on either side of her and the fourth brother Mana, sat on the much longer couch that was situated adjacent to the piano where Neah and Sofia sat.

And that was the family then.

And watching them interact with each other for a while as they argued lightly and laughed, made me feel cold and even more angry.

And then, that first thing… I nearly jumped out of my skin when I felt Wisely's thin-boyish fingers weave into the hair at the back of my head.

"Calm down," he whispered to me, nodding his head to where Jas had somehow fallen asleep on my shoulder, "He hasn't been sleeping much, has he?" I wanted to say 'neither of us have,' but I stopped myself and just shook my head. I didn't want to worry anyone- and right then, with his fingers running through my hair I thought it would honestly have been pretty easy to fall asleep.

And the second… The less complicated one.

"Alright, here we go," Neah was then saying and with a quick bounce of his head and a few whispered words, his fingers were moving and Sofia's were tapping along on the ivory keys to compliment his perfectly.

And I fell in love again- the second time with their music. Because even just listening to the Walker's play Christmas tunes- the magical sound could make godless man weep with good nature. They were masters of the art- all of them. Adam said it was breed into them- the four brothers. Adam had always been able to play the Violin and Cello- I could remember that. Cyril played the upright Base and a few woodwinds. Mana could play a mean rhythm or Sax. And Neah, he lived on the Piano… And his voice, he could have sang opera- I would swear- and Allen followed in his footsteps flawlessly.

And then, Christmas was over- we got some presents, but mom got worse. I wasn't stupid enough to think she'd live then- but it didn't stop me from wanting her too.

And I hated how helpless it all made me feel. Jasdero would cry himself to sleep most nights, I couldn't help him. Mom was dying, I couldn't fix her. Adam and Cassidy got a divorce- I wouldn't have tried to fix that. But… Wisely's schooling was seeming to take up most of his time- I hardly saw him those days.

And I stopped sleeping all together it felt like- and when I did, I woke up more tired than when I fell asleep. I remember nights when I would slip out of bed after Jas had fallen asleep on my then wet pillow and walking around the manor. Sometimes leaving the actual house and walking around the garden or the small woods out back. But more often than not, I found myself in the parlor, where the piano that Neah played on Christmas sat- but never having the courage to actually open it and even poke out a single note.

It was one of those nights, when things began to change. I sat there most night thinking- wishing, wanting. And at eight-years-old, which I guess was weird, I decided I needed to be a stone. The small piece of hard material that would hold the things I wanted to support together. I wanted to help Jas get over the inevitable fact that mom was going to die; I wanted to make our burden on Adam as easy as possible; I wanted to make myself better- so that no one else would have to worry about me, or about us. I wanted to be good- and somewhere in my mind I thought, I wanted to be a Walker.

And so, on the sixth night I sat at that piano, I finally made my hands move, opened the key cover and laid my fingers against those ivory keys. And I was astounded by how right, just holding my fingers there felt.

"When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight…"
"It Ends Tonight" -All-American Rejects

But the days kept moving- the nights kept existing. I was usually able to sleep a bit in the late evening- weather because my body merely crapped out or something else, I didn't know, but it helped me keep going.

Adam began us on home lessons shortly after new year's. The Walker Manor was so far out of the way that to send us to public school would have been ridiculous. Finny went though, as he'd entered what would have been his eight grade year- which was when any of us would have stepped out of the eldest Walker's realm of knowledge- he wanted us to go to a proper place for our last five years of schooling. Wisely would go the next year. And that was another thing about beginning lessons I liked- we studied with Wisely. The tutor Adam hired was a smart man- Mr. Wenham- who was capable of teaching Wisely what he needed to know at the same time he was able to dumb it down for the two of us, who were a good five years younger.

Wisely turned twelve that February- and it felt like I'd never catch up.

And again, mom got worse. By March she was sleeping most of the day. Even when the doctor came to check-up on her, she didn't wake up.

Jas stopped crying at night by mid-April. By the end of the month, I could function for nearly a week with only an hour of sleep a day. I had found an old piano basics book in Adam's garden (Study) shortly after Wisely's birthday and by May, I could play chords and scales without looking at my fingers. The lessons that Mr. Wenham taught us most days though didn't stick. My brain was unable to learn words then- notes and sounds were all I could understand.

So on that night in mid-May when I was up playing, I knew it when Wisely walked into the room, without looking. My eyes were closed- I could have been sleep-playing for all he knew. But he didn't say anything for a while, just stood right inside the door listening to my fingers pluck the notes, only to slow as he began to cross the room. My eyes slid open as he took a seat on the piano bench next to me. And I listened, semi-transfixed as his fingers began to play the scale exercise an octave below mine. But then it ended and we lapsed into silence, as my eyes slid closed again.

And then his fingers pulled out a chords that I knew without looking and my fingers slid back onto the keys and played it in time with him as we started the next scale up without speaking.

"How long have you been doing this," he asked in a low whisper, as we reached the end of that scale too. I merely shook my head as my eyes looked down at the monochrome keys to see my darker toned hands against the keys next to his paler, slightly larger ones. And even then, Wisely felt so far above me… So far beyond what I could obtain.

I told him merely that I found the book shortly after his birthday. He didn't respond for a few moments.

"That's not what I meant, Dev." I said nothing, because I wanted to be that stone. Stones don't worry any one- I didn't want to worry anyone, least of all Wisely. "You need to sleep, kid. I know you're down here most nights, I can hear the piano through the floor." I nodded, realizing for the first time that Wisely's bedroom was right above the parlor… Right next to mine, where Jasdero would be still sleeping in my bed again- always.

He sighed then, his fingers once again lifting to the keys this time I looked at them to see the beginning chord of the basic C scale. I matched him, fingers lifting- and with small taps to count off, our fingers played the same exercise again in the last downward chord like the book had taught me to do.

I learned sometime after that, that Wisely hated to leave things unfinished- it was nearly an OCD of his.

Another bit of him that I learned to love so easily.

Then Wisely was rising from the bench turning away only to stop just behind where I sat on it. I felt his fingers hesitantly run through the short hair on the back of my head- slender, smooth but jerky, like he wasn't sure it was right to do it. But my eyes closed on their own- I liked the feeling of his fingers there, probably just a bit too much.

"Go to sleep, Dev; please? You need to sleep more than I know you have been." And then Wisely left the room, abruptly but not running. I listened to his feet pad down the hall before I let my eyes open again and glance at the still exposed keys of the piano in front of me.

The wood made a clapping noise as I closed it before standing and leaving the room to trek back down the hall, up the stairs and into my room where Jas was still asleep- Jasdero could sleep like a sunken rock. And that night he didn't stir, like any other, as I slipped back into the bed and fell fast asleep- just because Wisely had told me to.

I tried for a long while after that to be the stone I had promised myself I would become. But it never felt right.

One night, when I was awake and again in the parlor- though I'd stopped playing the piano because I didn't want to wake Wisely up- I began to consider that maybe a 'stone' was the wrong way to go. Because when I thought of this stone it was more of a pebble- and the only memories I had of pebbles were those pesky ones that got in my shoes when I was little. And I didn't want to be a Pesky Pebble, I knew that.

And now, years later, I know damn well it was weird when I sat up all night watching the trees through the parlor window. Thinking the entire night about what I'd be if a not a Pesky Pebble. But I did decide on something, as I watched those trees. I decided I be a wind- a breeze. Because in all those corny serendipity movies, it was always the wind that brought people together. Weather it was by stealing the heroine's hat and blowing it right into the path of the hero, or some other crazy, impossible shit. I wanted to be that wind...

I was a fuckin' weird kid; I know.

"I may never sleep tonight,
As long as you're still burning I could trade mistakes for sheep,
Count me away before you sleep.
I'll stay awake till I trade my mistakes
Or they fade away…"
"Trade Mistakes" -Panic! At the Disco

But things happen at night, all my life that I'd never talk about much- not even Jas or Wise.

Losing that much sleep, coupled with the anxiety I had and never talked about up until mom died- it did weird things to my head. It made me see things at weird times- when I knew nothing was there. It gave me night terrors when I did sleep- so that I would wake up confused and scared at times it seemed my mind knew I was alone...

And Wisely- yet again- was the only one that I ever let see me like that. It was an accident, on one of those nights I went down to the parlor and sat in the overstuffed chair in the corner- where Finny had sat on Christmas- and fell asleep actually.

I don't remember the dream- I never have- but I shook awake and looking around the room I saw Wisely standing just inside the door, looking terrified. I remember tasting the blood in my mouth and feeling my lip sting as my teeth finally let it go. My throat was raw and I remember just wanting to run away. But my legs were tired and I physically couldn't move them.

Wisely took a second to observe me, before he even tried to come closer. I can remember that terrified look on his face perfectly, and thinking 'is he scared of me?' Now I know he wasn't, but then, that thought worried me more than the blood making a slow trail down my chin.

He held my gaze until he was right in front of me, kneeing down and only then looked away to grab one of the tissues off the end table next to me, which there seemed to be at least three boxes of in every room anyway, and begin to dab at the blood on my chin.

"Is this why you don't sleep," I can remember he asked me, so quiet that I nearly didn't hear him. I immediately shook my head no. The terrors were infrequent and never bothered me long... Him finding out was just an accident. "Then why," he asked next. And I couldn't find an answer for a bit.

I didn't want to explain to him that I thought sleeping was a waste of time, because back then that's what I thought. I knew enough to know that it sounded weird. So I just stayed silent.

And Wisely eventually just sighed, and grabbing the tissue box and my wrist pulled me up, helping me steady myself when I nearly fell, and slowly began back out of the room. I didn't ask, though I wanted to, why he did some things, and now I know he probably didn't know why- just did what he felt was right. And that night as he made me curl into the sheets of his large bed, running his finger through my hair and making my stomach somersault while whispering for me to sleep, I think I had one of the best night's rests of my life.

The next day, I woke up before he did and I watched him sleep for a bit. I can still remember how relaxed his face was; how slow his breathing was. The midmorning light piddled into the room and across his cheek and hair and his light skin looked like it was glowing. He doesn't look that different now actually. Face a bit more slender with high cheek bones and thin, full lips that would part as he would breathe, because Wisely always sleeps with his face half in a pillow.

But that morning I quietly crept out of his room and back into mine and slid in next to Jas, only to lay there a mere moment before he woke up. My brother was always a girly boy- his blond hair was never short even back then. Mom had threatened to cut it off if he didn't take care of it, and he always did. Those thick blond waves were his pride and joy for most of his life. But that morning, as he sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, his hair was pulled back into a braid that I'd watched him do the night before.

"Morning, Dev," he said to me, like he did most mornings- but I paid attention that morning. I can remember every detail from that morning perfectly down to how when we went down to breakfast and Wisely walked in, he met my eyes and then blushed before he looked away. And I was so young- innocent enough that I didn't get it. I didn't understand things that a twelve year old in a big family would already know.

But I did, eventually.

After that, I stopped lurking. After Jasdero would fall asleep, I would slip out of my bed and silently down a door into Wisely's room. He wouldn't say anything just shuffle over for me to lie down. And it was the only way I could sleep after a while, with his warmth right next to me.

After that, the summer went fast. The lessons Reever taught us were easy- stuck like double sided tape. But if the older man noticed the change I never heard about it.

"Holding my breath
For a whole month
If I held your breath
At least we would touch…"
"Stuck to You" -Hellogoodbye

And for a while, everything was perfect. And for a while mom got better, she was up and moving around quite a few times. I spent a lot of time with her and Jas- doing puzzles like we used to when we lived on our own. A few times we even got Wisely to help us. He sucks at puzzles; I honestly didn't used to think that was even possibly, but Wisely proved it defiantly is.

And then on one of the days when mom stayed in bed to rest and keep her energy, Adam called us into the parlor. And Jas and I sat on the small loveseat as he told us he was going to marry our mother. I didn't really get it, and I know Jas didn't either. Jas was happy, seeming only to understand that we would actually be part of the family. But I thought about it more; thought about how it didn't feel right to me. Then I noticed Wisely standing in the doorway of the parlor, his hands tucked deep into his pockets, while his eyes were downcast and glaring at the floor. I figured out that it wasn't a good thing- Wisely didn't think it was a good thing, so even if I didn't understand why, it wasn't to me either.

But regardless there was a small ceremony on one of the days when mom was well enough for it, in the back garden of the manor on a cool day toward the end of July. I stayed by Wisely's side the entire time, Jas on my other side, with Finny next to him. And as I held his hand, I tried to not notice that it shook the entire ceremony.

There was a little reception, where we all mingled. Wisely managed to slip away as Jas drug me to see mom, and I didn't manage to find him again until most of the family was gone. He looked upset, but he wasn't crying. I didn't understand why- and though I now know there were a lot of reasons he was upset that day, I don't know which one bothered him the most. But as I sat next to him, and pulled his hand from his lap to take it in mine, he seemed to relax only a bit.

"I hate him," I heard him grit out and I didn't know how to reply. So we just sat in silence; no one came to bother either of us until late. Jas would peek around the corner a few times but never actually came over- just kept an eye on us.

And the wedding seemed to do nothing. They didn't wear rings; they didn't kiss; they weren't in love. It was legal- I understood that soon enough.

"You were standing in the wake of devastation
And you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
And with the cataclysm raining down
Insides crying "Save me now"
You were there, impossibly alone…"
"Iridescence" -Linkin Park

Mom died on August sixteenth, out of the blue. The day before she was doing a puzzle with us, then she just wouldn't wake up the next morning. She told us both, individually, that she loved us that night. We went in to give her a kiss good night and hugs and stuff, and she told us each that- saying it with both of our individual names. She'd called us Jasdevi the majority of the time, since it was easier. But that night we were Jasdero and Devitto, and she never said anything different again.

Jas was in shock for a few days. He sat on the window bench in the kitchen for a solid day. I would check on him, but seeing him like that made he want to curl into a ball and just cry. Finny eventually picked him up and carried him to my room and laid him in bed. He didn't move past turning into the corner. And regardless that I knew I wouldn't sleep without Wisely there, I didn't dare leave him. But it didn't matter- a bit passed eleven Wisely came to us. Jas even looked up to acknowledge him. He moved between us and as I fell asleep I was so happy he was there for not just me anymore, but both of us.

Over the next few weeks, for the sake of distraction, Finny and Wisely decided they would teach us to play. Jas didn't seem like he was really up for it most of the time, but he attempted. Those three weeks following mom's death though were the most frustrated I've ever seen Jas. He didn't know what to do with himself. But before he calmed down, things only got worse.

Wisely and Finny were supposed to leave on the twenty-second to go to stay in the city, with Cyril's family to go to school. And by the end of the month, Adam didn't seem to think it could be put off. But Cyril's wasn't big enough for all four of us to crash, but Adam seemed unwilling for Jasdero and I to stay at the manor without kids our own age to vent with. But with a few calls, Finny and Wisely were off to stay at Cyril's while Jas and I were sent off to Neah's.

As opposed to the manor, which was big, wooden, and elegant- Neah's house was large, glass and sleek metal. But with just the right additions of color that made it come alive and seem homely. And it was only ten minutes from Cyril's, while Mana lived right down the road. But what I loved most about Neah's house was that there was always music floating though the rooms.

There was a grand piano in the greeting room, with a few random cream and violet couches and ottomans. On the second level, there was a small baby grand in the corner of the kitchen where in any other house there was would be a kitchen table. But the kitchen table had its own room, with soft teal covered chairs. There was another electric piano in the music room upstairs too, where every other instrument in creation was kept. Every member of Neah's family could play the piano, and without trying it could be beautiful.

Robin was quiet girl, who acted noting like a girl- wore shorts and played ball instead of skirts and playing dolls. Allen, at ten years old was light years beyond the talent of a well-versed musician, but his social skills sucked. Not that I had any room to comment.

In the first week we stayed with them, I made Allen cry three times. He was a crybaby- I didn't really do anything. I remember thinking that Allen's voice was so annoying- I bite my tongue for it to this day. Jas didn't really talk much, to anyone other than me- and only when we were alone. He didn't really mind staying with Neah, said he didn't really feel like we had an actual home anymore.

"I would have used a pencil but lead's just not permanent.
I trust my printer's ink?
To express the things I think?…"
"Dear Jamie… Sincerely Me" -Hellogoodbye

Jasdero seemed like a different person in those days- different than who he was, and who he became. He was in a state of indecision is what he says- waiting for a reason to be anything. He found it eventually.

Reever eventually came to Neah's too, began to tutor Allen and us. Robin was in school by that time- Neah having the same basic scale as Adam.

Then, suddenly one Saturday, they were all back. I remember waking up late, having passed out sometime in the early morning, still (for some reason) sleeping in the same bed as Jas, and opening my eyes to him. And it was the best morning I'd had in weeks. And I think that was the first time I ever hugged Wisely without thinking about it- because I really had missed him.

"Good Morning, Dev," he whispered next to my head and for the first time I can remember there wasn't a sarcastic remark in my head. Then Jasdero was shuffling awake and Wisely pulled back to smile at him too. And even then I noticed how he didn't hug Jas.

Then he was pulling us out of bed and throwing clothes at us and commanding we get downstairs… then he waited outside for us. And I would have probably been angry if he didn't seem like he was in such a good mood. 'Cause as long as he was smiling, I could never have been mad.

And downstairs was so much commotion that my head was spinning for a few minutes. Finny was playing a game on the TV with Maggie, Jude and Robin. Paulie was sitting on an opposite couch with Rhode in his lap laughing at them. Allen was seated on the floor next to the couch watching quietly. There was noise coming from the open kitchen, that when I looked, I could see Neah, Sofia, Cyril, and Adam laughing. Mana was glaring at them as he pouted. And then I remembered that Tricia had died a bit before mom- just after Christmas. But looking at Rhode and Cyril you wouldn't have known.

I figured it was difference a family could make.

And as Wisely pulled us into the living room, sat us on the loveseat and took his own seat right in front of it, I wondered if they were trying to fix us right then. And I think I let them- or more so, him.

"Ten bucks says you don't have it in you
To conquer fear and quit believing what they tell you to
You are careening shamelessly into oblivion
You will live alone with your chemicals and gin…"
"The Dutch Courage" -The Spill Canvas

Wisely and Finny, after that, came over every weekend to do as they said and teach us to play- I lived for those weekends. Wisely mentioned to Neah that I had been tinkering with the piano and he gave me a few lessons- I was alright at it. Sofia attempted to teach it to Jasdero and for a while he didn't want to, he didn't really want to do anything. But as he does most things, Jas would play with me when no one else could get him to. So Sofia began to teach us together, taking turns. And he fell in love with music, playing it and listening to it.

After Jas took off on that, Wisely began to teach me guitar. He made me feel stupid. I mean I knew nothing and Wisely was amazing. I liked to just listen to him play it more than play it myself. He laughed awkwardly and blushed when I said it like that. Then he suggested the bass. And with a little prodding, I started to play in mid-October. The deep, tones were amazing to my ears- the intricate underlying parts tricky and when played just right added so much to any piece.

When Jas got stuck on the tempo in a piano solo piece, Finny began to teach him rhythm. Playing the drum set was a work in progress for Jas for a long time- but he got good enough that piano solos were easy and he would switch back and forth. I would only play the guitar when Wisely wasn't around though, which when Neah told him that he laughed again.

And then Sofia discovered something that they were all a little mystified by- I already knew. Jasdero had perfect pitch. I knew because he would always help me tune the bass. But after that, Jas began to get vocal lessons right along with his piano. And I can remember listening to his and Sofia's voices together, laying on the couch in the other room, and I fell a bit further in love with their music.

The Walker's were a musical family. I had known about Neah and Mana's company- the record label they had taken over and built up from their father. And I knew that even before then, this family had been known for it's musical talents- not just by us. And I thought for a minute, as I listened Sofia and Jasdero play and sing- we really were looking like Walker's.

Between lessons and tutoring sessions, the winter went quickly in Neah's large home. Christmas passed again, we turned nine- nothing seemed to really change. I started to get along easier with Allen- didn't make him cry as much. Robin became like a big sister to us.

But then the family had a… moment. Cyril suddenly announced that he would be moving to South Florida for about a year. No one really knew what to say right away. He told us he was going to clean up some things from when Tricia had lived down there- we all knew she had left a house down there. He told us Tyki would be going with him. And he asked Adam to look after Rhode. Nothing they said could change his mind- though even I knew, as a nine year old, that doing this would hurt him. Like when I watched Adam pack up mom's things- he didn't know I did though.

After that spring piddled passed just like the winter had- with Wisely and Finny stopping by less as their end of year studies were keeping them busy- we eventually moved back to the manor. And for a while, after Neah left, it was just us. I remember thinking about how quiet the huge house was. And I remember looking at Jas and seeing that vacant look on his face- I hated that look. Then I would drag him into the parlor and making him play bit of piano pieces we'd both memorized together. I liked that noise in that room so much more.

But by the end of the first week, we'd rummaged though Adam's Garden (Study) to find more piano books. And by the end of the few weeks we were alone- with only Adam and the maids- my fingers hurt from playing the piano so much.

Wisely and Finny got home on the following Tuesday, while we were playing the piano. And I remember hearing them chuckling from the door and looking up at them. And even in just a school year, I realized how much older he looked. But so did Finny, I tried to tell myself- even though it didn't change anything. Wisely had turned thirteen that February.

That time, when Wisely was thirteen to fifteen, was the worst for me.

"Submerging from your world
And back into my bliss
A day rolled into one
Is burning on my lips
Blurring all your words
Until they don't exist
And in a parallel universe
It's me you can't resist…"
"As If By Magic" -La Roux

But for me, nothing much changed that summer. I still found reasons to sneak into Wisely's room most nights and sleep with him, especially after I stopped sleeping again and he made me. I still played piano most days, with Jas and sometimes Wisely.

But then, in the third week of summer, Rhode came to stay with us. She was moody, and a girl- and we didn't really know how to deal with either. She cried a lot. Sometimes silent, others screaming- most of the time it was something I said that would start it and I would feel like crap for hours. Jas didn't talk to her much. Finny pretty much ignored all of us. Wisely, though, was the only one who seemed to know what to say to shut her up.

But on one of those nights were I wasn't sleeping, but hadn't gone to Wisely's room yet, Jas slunk into my room. He usually slept in his own room anymore, so it was weird. But that night he just slipped onto the end of my bed and curled up in a ball right there, reminding me of a cat.

"She annoys me," was the first thing he said and I had to pause. Because while Jas usually didn't openly display his emotions back then, it was weird for him to have thought it out enough to say it so easily. He would have had to put time into it for it to be that simple.

I laugh anymore when I think about how Jas and Rhode used to hate each other so openly when we were little.

Towards the end of summer, Cyril called Adam and told him he wouldn't be back by the time school went back into session. Rhode stayed at the manor with us- Wisely and Finny went to stay at Mana's for the school year.

We began lessons with Reever more regularly in mid-August, and it was terrible. I sat between Rhode and Jas, because it postponed the squabble that would happen, but it never stopped it. The two together were amusing but ungodly annoying. Reever was equally annoyed with it after long enough- without having to sit in the middle- and began to tutor me alone when they started, then they'd realize they were falling behind and pay attention for a while before starting another fight.

It was interesting to watch though. Jas didn't talk back then, but he would to harass Rhode. It was the usual elementary school crush thing.

Wisely and sometimes Finny would come home on most weekends. And I was back to living for the weekends. Rhode was the first person to ever say anything about it. I tried to not let Adam know- I don't know why I thought it was a good thing to do, regardless of if it was or wasn't. Jas knew more than he probably ever said, but never seemed to care.

"You care about him a lot, don't you?" I didn't answer her really, just gave her a hard look- more trying to gauge if she cared or not.

Back then, I understood that he was my brother by marriage, and that you shouldn't have romantic feelings for your brother. But in my mind, it didn't matter, because I'd loved him long before he was my brother. And at nine years old, I was pretty sure I did love him- no matter how weird that made me.

There have been number of people though my life that have told me I understand more than I should. Rhode was one of them when we got older- and Allen too eventually, when we met Kanda.

And for a while nothing changed- for once. Passed Cyril's trips with Tyki taking a lot longer than we'd expect and Rhode staying with us at the manor- nothing changed that year. Through the winter and spring, it was all the same. We turned ten, Wisely turned fourteen- I tried to not think about that.

"I built this house
With my own hands
And she just came
And burnt the plans
She found the safe
And cracked the code
She grabbed the goods
And hit the road…"
"Homewrecker" -Hellogoodbye

But that summer the anatomy of our family had to change again- had to.

Adam was a man, I was well aware of that- an oddly caring and affectionate man. But no matter how hard I tried, I could never pin down the way Wisely and Adam agreed on anything. They were so different, it was hard most of the time to see that they were blood. I could never remember Joann- the few pictures around the manor the only things keeping her face in my memory. Wisely looked more like her than Adam.

We met Lulu around the end of July. I didn't like her. There's no 'but' or 'though' to add either- we all hated her. Because as soon as she walked in, Wisely was instantly angry. He told me a while later that every woman Adam brought to meet him, his father ended us marrying. "Cassidy had a reason. Abby had a reason. But this one… She's just supposed to make him feel pretty- I can see it all over her face."

The only upshot was that Lulu didn't have any kids- so we had not reason to even see her. So we didn't. Sometimes I forgot she was there. And, just as Wisely predicted Adam made to marry her. They got engaged four months after we met her, in November.

I hated how, when I remembered she was there, she would always talk to me in a baby voice or a fake 'motherly' voice. Lulu didn't have a motherly bone in her body- and if she did, he paid to have it transplanted there.

"And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of tempered grace
Falling into empty space
No one there to catch you in their arms…"
"Iridescence" -Linkin Park

That winter, we turned eleven. And then in February, Wisely turned fifteen.

And not even a month later, on Sunday- March fifteenth, our world ended.

It was a morning like many other's we'd seen. Adam had said goodbye that morning, as he left for a business trip with Neah, Sofia and Mana. Cyril would be getting back from Florida the next day and he'd be coming to the manor to stay with Rhode and us.

And I remember eating cereal at the counter in the kitchen, while Rhode and Jasdero ate at the table and eventually flung soggy spoonfuls at each other.

I was a weird kid, because I watched the news- but that morning it was a terrible kind of habit.

There was an orange banner at the bottom of the television, that with the volume off was all I knew about any story. And when the words Breaking News came up, I paid attention- like always. Then the subtitle, 'Private Plane Crashes South of Charleston.' And instantly I found the remote and turned the volume up way too high. Jas and Rhode started to complain before the pictures started to cross the screen. I listened to the words, but I don't remember them.

But I do remember the sounds of breaking ceramic slamming into the tile floor. And turning back to the door I watched Wisely as he took in the TV screen and just like the rest of us, hoped. I can remember that we hoped for days- in vain- that it wasn't them. But with no calls, no answers, no bodies after the engine fire- we buried empty caskets a few weeks later.

An electrical malfunction started a fire that eventually cause another short and then a motor malfunction. They would probably have been dead before they hit the ground. The four members of our family, a pilot, co-pilot, and two flight attendants.

And at eleven years old, I wished morbidly that Lulu would have gone with them.

Adam's will left the estate to Wisely, but until he was old enough it defaulted to Lulu. Cyril and Tyki moved into the manor, to help take care of us- so Rhode could be with us and we could have a light at some point in this tunnel.

Allen and Robin moved in, too. Neah's home, and his company went to Robin- but she told Cyril up front that she didn't know how to be her father in his company. So others in the family stepped up. The legal issues of running Ark Records still mess with my head- but when they were only eighteen and nineteen Finny, Maggie, Paulie and Jude took a foothold in the company Cyril, Mana, Neah and Adam had inherited from their father. Cyril, with Tyki's help, taught them everything about the company, and it grew.

And they all agreed, as we all still do- that Lulu has no place in Noah's legacy.

But regardless of how well things went with the company, or how many pieces he picked up, Wisely was never the same after Adam died. They hadn't gotten along; they never agreed- but Adam was his father. His last full blooded family- and then he was gone.

And I kept sleeping in his bed at night, while wondering who it was actually helping after a while. Before then, when I'd slept with him, I just lay there- both just comfortable with the extra heat the other gave off. But after that, the mechanics changed. Because Wisely was always a small kid, he didn't grow much before he was seventeen. And I'd grown evenly though my entire life, so when I was eleven and he was fifteen Wisely was only about half a head taller than me. But when he shrunk into that little ball I really did just want to hold him until he stopped hurting.

I remember once actually thinking about how I wished band-aids really could cover any wound. I know, I was fucking weird.

"Only three I can't seem
To get enough anyway
I can't speak
Nothing to say anyway…
"Let's show them the only way
Let's sew up their hearts…"
"Starts With One" -Shiny Toy Guns

The fall after the accident, Cyril decided we couldn't stay at the manor. We all listened. We all entered public schooling and began to co-exist at the large house Mana had owned and that he'd left to Paulie, who was the oldest of the three. Lulu stayed at the manor.

Cyril became like our singular provider. Tyki never seemed to be around at the right moments. Maggie at nineteen became the stay at home mom, running her bits of business from the house- Paulie and Jude the unwanted fathers. Robin, didn't seem to know what to do with herself. Allen stopped crying. Wisely stopped talking. Finny turned into a jerk. Rhode learned to never stop smiling. Jasdero got antsy all the time. And, I got angry again.

There was no family to heal to anyone while we were all bits of broken.

But Wisely was always there, that fall, before we started school. I slept in his room every night and woke before the sun was up to slip back into my room.

At twelve we entered public schooling- sixth grade. It was hell. I was angry to begin with, and the other kids seemed to love torturing Jasdero. About his hair or about his girly-face- either or, and I'd end up in the office with a pink slip. In trouble- time and time again. Jasdero eventually started fight too, and before long we had specific seats that should have had our names engraved on the back of them.

Wisely told me- toward the beginning of the year- to stop giving in, and for once I didn't listen. No one fucked with my brother. And eventually they learned. The torture lessened, Jas and I fought less… But I don't know how we made it through that first year. The lessons meant nothing, because Reever had taught us the information already- but we should have gotten kicked out. Our family was the only reason we didn't- though no one dared say it.

By the end of that year we were the worst twelve year olds ever. Rhode and Allen had stopped talking to us at school. Wisely was in high school already and was in a different building- he was sixteen by then.

And that summer, after that first year, shit hit the fan- for me at least.

(Giant Grin)
Oh, SidePlot.

So this is the SidePlot, that actually will cover Devitto growing up. I have up to his Sophomore year just about written- which in the main plot they've just graduated high school. There are gonna be about three parts. And this is basically a filler for a time jump- But Dev is one of the family members that gets closest to the actual plot I will be building.

But, yeah- about that music. (Silly Smirk) There were thirteen line breaks in the story, including the top- each with it's own lyrical piece. If you haven't figured out, they're placed for reason. Go look- specifically at Iridescence, by LP. That a big one. And if you (any of you) have no heard any of these songs, do it. Youtube them and find the lyrics and then read the bit they go with... (Smiles) I am very pleased with how they turned out. They took forever, but I really like how it ended up. Each band feature is connected with a character too- there's a MaddessMethod there too.

STG's is actually gonna be a rather large part when we get back into main-plot. (They're the cover band for Maggie's group, by the way.) Panic!ATD will be big too, for the much smaller, after this, SidePlot bits- while Hellogoodbye will play it's part too. And later in the Brothers.? parts, Neon Trees will bring back the Yullen. (Grin)- Which is why you all are here. (Bigger Grin)

But yeah, that's my rant. I have to go to work now.. (Sadface) Thanks for reading, as always. Reviews are appreciated.
-Aseru.

(Disclaimer: I own nothing.)