Chapter 18: Roller Coaster

An hour later I'm still tossing and turning in my bed. At first I was waiting for Jacob to get into his own room, but I still haven't heard a sound. Nothing.

It's making me worry a bit, did I miss it? Did he leave the apartment?

I'm still trying to understand what happened just now. Jacob must be completely shocked. I never shared any of this with him, even though it's been building up inside of me.

Suddenly there's a knock on my door. Jacob doesn't wait for me to answer but opens the door slowly and then says softly, "what if breaking up with me will make you hate yourself more than not having sex with me?"

I sit up but don't really have an answer ready.

If I did, I'd go for the same explanation again: in the long run, he'd be better off, but I'm sure that's not what he wants to hear.

"Because, Bella," he continues as he walks in and sits down beside me, "I won't just go on. I won't move on with my life and find a girlfriend tomorrow who is just as perfect as you are and willing to have sex all the time."

"Maybe later," I mutter.

"No, Bella," he continues in his patient voice. "I know you think you're letting me off the hook here and pushing me towards a happy future, but I don't want to be let off the hook. I'm in this."

"Please, Jacob," I beg him, "try and see my point of view."

"I am, believe me, I am. This is what is coming next from your point of view. If you break up with me now, you'll have to witness me being heartbroken for months to come. And I won't find another girlfriend, I want nobody but you. I've always known that. Even in my wild years, when I had all the sex a man could possibly want, I wasn't happy. I wanted something more, I needed a real connection, above anything else. I wanted what I have now. If you take that from me," he takes a deep breath, "if you make me lose you, you'll take everything from me and none of all that stuff you claim I deserve can ever make up for that. I'll only ever need you."

His words sink in slowly. It sounds perfectly reasonable so was I really that wrong?

"I'm not trying to be selfish, Bella, but can you imagine me like that? The way I just described? Do you still think you'll hate yourself less then?"

"No," I whisper.

"Good," he says and swallows hard.

"Because you breaking up with me being the best solution for this is based on the assumption that I'll move on, and I won't. So I won't accept this solution either."

"You won't accept me breaking up?" I ask in a small voice.

"Nope," he says. He sounds so sure of himself, but when he looks at me with those kind brown eyes, all I see is "please…"

"But…" I start while new tears escape, "I meant what I said, about not being able to…"

Jacob feels that I'm giving in, I can tell by the small smile that is emerging in the corner of his mouth.

"I don't care, Bella, I'll be a fucking monk if that means I can be with you".

Cautiously, he leans in to me, his lips stopping only inches away from mine. Like a question hanging in the air.

Hope dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption.

I hesitate, but when he whispers "I promise, I'm yours," I lean in as well and kiss him tenderly.

The relief washes over him and he pulls me into one of his crushing hugs.

Before I know it, he's back underneath my covers, and I'm locked into his tight embrace.

"And now we talk about what happened today," he orders.

I take a deep breath.

This night is a real roller coaster, but I have to say I like it when he's taking control like this. He knows me so well now that he can find the flaws in my reasoning.

"Alright," I agree, waiting for him to continue. He's clearly in charge and he understands.

"So, first, are you going to break up with me every time you get upset over something? Because we're gonna have more fights in the future, and sometimes I'll be wrong and sometimes you'll be wrong. I can't have you break up with me just like that."

"I know, I'm sorry. I… panicked."

"That's okay," he says, while nuzzling my cheek, "but can we agree next time to talk first? See if we can find a solution that we both can live with? I don't like it when you do my thinking."

I nod. "Agreed."

"And second," he continues, "what happened to being honest? I thought we had it good, so it really hurts me to hear from you that you feel like crap whenever I get aroused."

"I'm sorry I said it like that," I try to explain, "I didn't mean… I don't feel like crap when it happens. Whenever we kiss, I feel great, I could kiss you all day. It's just that, after, when I'm alone again and when I start thinking about it, I feel guilty."

He slowly nods, "so you do like kissing me?"

"Of course, can't you tell?"

He shrugs, "maybe you were pressuring yourself into doing things you don't like, for me?"

It breaks my heart to hear him be so insecure, because of me. When some days all I can think about is kissing him.

"No, Jacob, I couldn't do that, even if I wanted to. I told you I'll never lie to you again, and doing things I don't really like or faking, that would be lying. I swear, I love kissing you."

I try to prove my point by pulling him close for a deep and slow kiss, but his look is still insecure when we break apart.

"What do you like about it?" he asks in a quiet voice.

"Many things. I love being so close to you, smelling your skin and tasting your lips and your tongue. I love the way your tongue moves over mine, like a slow worship. I love the way it makes me weak in the knees and the way my heart skips a beat. I love those little sounds you make, those make my belly flip as well."

I can almost feel his blush as I place my hand on his cheek.

"I feel those things too," he whispers with a smile.

"I'm not done," I say.

"Excuse me, go on."

"I love the way you pull me closer when we kiss, like you'll never me go again. I love the passion I can feel in you. I, um, I love it most when you're on top of me, when I can feel your weight, it makes me feel safe."

"I didn't know that," he says, "I thought being on top of you was too pushy."

"Yeah, I can tell you try not to do that, but I don't think it's pushy, I kinda like it when you're in control. Just like what you did right now. I trust you completely, you can get on top of me whenever you like."

He laughs out loud, "well I don't trust me, so don't be insulted if I don't do that while we're kissing."

I understand and it's my turn to blush.

I quickly continue, because there is another thing I need to clear up. I hurt him and I have to set that right.

"I love it when our kisses turn you on."

"You don't have to say that," he mumbles.

"It's true. Honestly. It makes me feel… desirable. I like feeling that rush in you, that arousal, it's … sexy."

"But it makes you feel bad?"

"Only afterwards. It makes me feel guilty, because I keep turning you on and driving you crazy and then… nothing. I feel mean and selfish."

"You're not mean. I always knew you weren't ready for more and if I can't handle being teased, I would have told you."

"I guess," I mutter.

"I like it when you tease me," he whispers.

"Even if there's no release?"

"Yeah, even then. I like feeling that rush, too." He nuzzles me again "whenever we get close, that chemistry, those belly flips. I'm even having some of those right now, this moment."

I don't know what it is, maybe it's the shock of almost losing him and the relief of having him back with me, so open and vulnerable. I feel closer to him than ever and more in love than I've ever been.

"Yeah, me too," I whisper to his neck. A shiver runs through him and I almost feel it pass from his skin to mine.

"Are you hard now?" I ask while I hear his heart skip a beat.

He hesitates, "maybe."

I smile against his skin. I remember a conversation like this, when we were younger, in his room. But this time it's different, this time he's mine.

"Can I touch it?" gathering all my courage.

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea, Bella. I don't want you to feel bad about it. Not now."

"Don't worry, I won't panic. Earlier, I was just… I mean, we were both getting a little crazy and I'm not familiar to having those feelings."

"You mean… you were, you know, getting turned on as well?" There's hope in his voice, and that same insecurity. How can he still be so unsure after I told him everything I love about kissing him?

"I don't know how that feels," I admit. "Can you explain?"

"Well, maybe it's different for everybody, but for me, when I'm aroused I feel warm all over. There's butterflies in my belly, mostly my lower belly, and I can feel that glow over me, especially in that area."

"I think I feel that warmth, too."

He lets out a breath and I know that these confessions are turning him on more.

He softly asks, "did you feel like your body was going to take over, is that what scared you? Losing control?"

I nod.

He whispers into my hair, "then I think you were turned on."

"But I don't feel that… need," I say confused.

"That's because you're a virgin," he explains, "your body doesn't know yet what it's missing".

I know that technically I'm not a virgin, not at all. But in this sense, in making love, I definitely am, and maybe he's right.

"Can I touch it?" I ask again. In my life, I have touched many cocks, but never like this. This is so much different, so intimate, and so frightening at the same time.

He slowly takes my hand and moves it towards his boxers.

I feel his bulge and he lets go of my hand, in case I want to pull back. My fingertips trace his form, size him up. He's a normal size, but still big enough to remind me of pain, and I tense up.

"You don't have to do this," Jacob says, and his hips move away from me.

After a deep breath, I relax again. It won't cause me pain, Jacob won't pressure me into doing that… thing. Ever.

I trust him.

My fingertips find his boxers again and disappear behind the elastic band.

His breath shudders and in my mind I whisper an apology to him and his longing member. I'm sorry that I'm the one he wants, the one girl who can't meet his needs. I caress his skin that is wet with his arousal and Jacob buries his face deeper into my hair with a groan.

Suddenly he pulls my hand back in one movement. I'm probably teasing him too much again.

"I'm sorry," I mutter.

"I, uh, no, I'm sorry," he mumbles, out of breath. "Bella, don't be mad, I just came. I'm sorry."

"Oh," I breathe, but I'm not mad. In fact, I'm a little bit pleased with myself that I could give him at least something.

After he catches his breath, his face emerges from my hair and he looks me in the eyes, scanning for a sign of panic. He looks scared and embarrassed, so I quickly reassure him by kissing him hard on his lips.

"Is this okay?" I ask, "is this enough?"

He smiles relieved, "clearly it is."

"Maybe this could work" I mutter, with a little more hope than I had a few hours ago.

"We will always work, no matter what," he promises me.

"I won't always… I mean, this…" I try, but he understands, "don't worry, you don't have to satisfy my every need. Please don't ever feel pressured, no matter how drop dead horny you make me sometimes. All I need is for you to be mine."

"I am yours," I whisper.

And with his release, a strange kind of relief comes over me as well. Maybe I'm not as worthless as I thought. I can at least do this, whenever I feel relaxed enough to keep the panic away. It's been one hell of a night, but we also had a breakthrough, so I guess these roller coasters are needed sometimes.

That's what it's like to be with me, and he knew that before he started it. He's part of the ride now and it's up to him when he likes to get out. I won't make that call anymore.

AN: How did Jacob handle this? Are you upset that she still hasn't been able to tell him everything? I still hope you're pleased with the progress. Please let me know?