Chapter 19: Trust

Weeks pass by without any major incidents for Bella and me. That one night brought us enough drama for a whole month. But in a way, it was a good lesson as well.

All my life I have been some sort of pushover. Not in every situation; I'm a strong person and I work hard to get what I want in life. But when it comes to feelings, and standing up against people, I'm definitely a pushover. I was with my friends back in high school, afraid to tell them the dyke jokes weren't funny, and I was with Jared, who talked behind Bella's back.

Even with Bella… I let her push me away for the most part of our lives, whenever she'd pull back, I'd simply let her.

But not this time.

It's the first time I actually put my foot down and told her no.

And guess what? She agreed with me and I won her back. Standing up for myself was all it took, who would have guessed?

And now I truly believe we're doing better than ever. Her therapy is going really well. Today she returned and just sat with me to have dinner together, without taking some time on her own first.

Things for me are going great as well. Now I'm playing again, I make a ton of money and I finally got her to agree that I would pay the rent and the expenses here. All she has to pay for is her therapy and her own possessions.

In return, she uses the time she has left during the day to keep this place tidy and to prepare most of the meals. I never saw her as the house wife, taking care of a man, but right this moment, we both feel comfortable this way.

I work damn hard every day to reach my previous level and get better even, and she is slowly getting out of that depression she's been in, probably for years. It's not as if she's singing and dancing all day, but her tidal wave of tears has slowed down to once or twice a week.

When the kitchen is clean again after dinner, she yawns and says she's gonna get an early night. In a short and a tight tank top she emerges from the bathroom and walks over to my room. I finally get the hint and hurry to undress an follow her in.

After our big talk that one night, we spend a lot more time kissing. I know now that I don't have to wait for her to make a move to take things further. Because she won't. And even though I still hope that her therapy will one day allow her to change her mind, for now I've accepted it.

I feel more relaxed about the whole thing as well. I can tell she does too.

We slowly start to kiss as soon as our heads hit the pillows. Her arms wrap around my shoulders and with her fingertips she tickles the hairs in my neck. I lovingly purr against her lips and I feel her smile against mine.

"I love you," I whisper, and then place a wet kiss below her ear. She doesn't answer, she never does, but her hands pull me closer, as if she'd like to disappear inside my skin. I know she loves me back, even if she doesn't recognize the feeling. I do recognize it in her, and that's enough.

Carefully I roll us over, so that I'm now resting on top of her. It doesn't take long before the deep kiss turns me on so much she can feel my response against her thigh. I try to take it slow, moments like these don't last and I don't want to get carried away.

She gets turned on as well, that part is clear to me now. Her body moves underneath me, she sighs into my mouth and my hands and lips have found spots on her body that make her breath hitch. Like that one place right below her ear. When I lick that spot and then gently blow over it, she sometimes even moans.

Maybe it's mean, but I love turning her on, love the way she pulls me closer against her, and how she enjoys feeling my arousal.

It never lasts long though.

She doesn't feel that familiar need I feel, but she does experience the rush, and it scares her.

I'm getting pretty good at predicting when she'll pull back, so most of the times, I don't feel that frustrated. There's this moment, in between the start of the kiss and the offset of her panic, where she allows the emotions to flow through her. Sometimes a moan would escape and her hips roll against mine. That's the sign for me to gently pull back.

If I do, she still panics, but doesn't run off anymore. The fact that I am the first to pull away also helps with her guilt.

One time I was kissing and rubbing myself against her, which she was clearly enjoying. By the time she started to feel it too, I was so close to reaching my climax I wasn't paying enough attention. Even if I was, I couldn't have stopped then. She freaked out, which did make me stop, but since she was the one to "disappoint" me, I had a lot of work talking her out of her guilt later.

Right now, I'm still trying to take it slow, staying steady on top of her so I don't feel too much friction, but I'm still feeling hotter with each passing minute. Her tongue moves over mine and one of my hands has found a way underneath that tight top to stroke nipple.

She shivers against me and then gives in some more. Her knees open a bit further so that my cock is pressed against her inner thigh, closer to her center.

This is the moment. I gather all my strength and lift my hips away from hers.

Right on time.

She breaks the kiss and hides her face against my neck. Sometimes she cries, but mostly she just wants to hide herself from me, in shame.

I rolls us over again, so that she's on top of me now. She once told me I don't have to do that, she can calm down with me on top of her just as well, but somehow it just doesn't feel right. I have a frightened girl underneath me and pinning her down feels wrong.

So I pull her onto my chest and wrap my arms around her in a strong embrace. That will have to do.

The trembling finally stops and she whispers, "I don't understand, this is not something we haven't done before."

"Shhh, it's okay," I hush her. I know she's looking for another reason to bring herself down.

I stroke her hair and I enjoy the way her nails softly scratch my skin. My body still feels the heat though, so when I purr because of her touch, it means something else.

Slowly her warm hand moves lower on my body, casually almost, but not to me. I know what she wants. Most of the times, when the panic is settled and she allowed me to comfort her until there's sweet and tender kisses again, her hand will find its way into my boxers to stroke me all the way to the end.

I've told her she doesn't have to do that, but she says she enjoys giving me pleasure like that. As long as she is relaxed, she won't panic.

I get that now, and I let her take care of me.

I cover her face in kisses and search her eyes for any sign of pressure or fear. But she just looks at me adoringly, and I close my eyes when her fingers wrap around my cock. In no time, she has me quivering underneath her.

Those hands can do miracles. Sometimes I wonder if she learned all that from her many clients, but that's not really fair, since I have some experience with girls too and I wouldn't want her to wonder who taught me the things I know. We just follow what feels right, and this moment, her hand feels oh so right.

I'd like to whisper nice things to her, but she simply makes me too crazy to utter a single word.

I pull her close against me and nuzzle her neck when the waves of my orgasm run through me from head to toe.

"God, Bella, how did you ever think you wouldn't be able to satisfy me?"

She chuckles and gives me her sweetest smile. I know she's not lying: getting me off does make her feel better. So who am I to take that from her?

I once asked her if maybe I could try to make her feel the same way, with just my hands, but she instantly refused and confessed that she wouldn't like that. She tried to touch herself and decided it's not for her, so it's simply a no-go zone.

It's a shame, but I can still give her pleasure while we're making out, so that'll have to do.

With a happy sigh, she lays her head on my chest.

I don't find peace that easily though. Lately I've been thinking a lot more.

Her freaking out when it comes to sex has got nothing to do with the trust issues she has with men.

I figured that out because she does trust me completely. She clearly does like it when I take control, when I pin her down on the bed and lay on top of her, or press her against a wall or door. She loves surrendering to me, as long as we don't get too wild.

This isn't about trust. This is something else, something deeper.

The only possible explanation I can find is that she was raped at some point in her life, a thought that fills me with rage.

There's two theories in my mind at this moment. The first and most likely to have happened is that a client couldn't take no for an answer. The other option is that Steven raped her back in high school, that day she got suspended for breaking his nose.

I think, if it had been Steven, that she would have told me that night in my bed. But on the other hand, she did try to commit suicide back then and she did change a lot in high school, so maybe it happened around that age.

I'm trying hard to think back about the sequence of events. Which came first, her incident with Steven or the suicide attempt?

Whoever it was, I can't let it rest, I need to kick the shit out of that man and I'll probably find some team mates to help me with that.

Ever since I figured this out, I've been dreaming about punishing him, killing him even, for doing this to Bella. For damaging her to a point where she can't make love to me, and for making her feel worthless.

Even though her parents probably have something to do with that as well.

"What are you thinking?" Bella suddenly asks.

I thought she was asleep, so I'm not sure what to answer.

"Is something wrong?" she asks, while placing her hand on my face to feel my expression.

I'd like to lie and tell her everything is fine, let her stay in her peaceful state. But we made an honesty promise to each other. And I have to know at some point. These thoughts are driving me mad.

So I gather all my courage and ask my question into the dark.

"Bella… in your past… did someone rape you?"

At once she tenses up and I just know I'm right. She wouldn't freeze if nobody had.

"I…" she starts, but she can't continue.

I don't like making her feel this way, but I need to know, especially now I realize I'm right.

"You don't have to say it out loud, I know somebody did rape you. Because this thing… that is stopping you, it's not about you not trusting me enough is it?"

"No, I trust you", she confirms, as she has several times before.

I nod.

"This is a trauma," I continue, "because someone raped you. I suppose you don't want to tell me who it was?"

She shakes her head.

"I won't kill him, and I won't force you to go to the police to report him, I'll just… make sure he won't do it again."

She stays quiet, as if she's holding her breath. I can tell that this is difficult for her.

"Was it Steven?" I ask.

"Who?"

"Steven what's-his-name, from high school, you broke his nose, remember?"

"Oh, right, I seem to make a habit out of that."

She would have remembered if it were him, but I need to make sure.

"Was it him?"

"No, I told you what happened with him."

"Then who? A client?"

"Jacob…" Bella sighs. I know she'd like me to shut up about this, but now that she's practically confirmed that she was raped, I need to know.

"Please Bella, I can't bear the thought, it's keeping me up at night. It's important."

Again she sighs and then mumbles, "it was a long time ago, I was, um…"

"How old were you?" I try to help her, but she's quiet again.

"Bella?"

"I can't say it, I'm sorry."

I bite away my frustration and gently stroke her hair, "it's okay."

"No," she says, "you're right. If someone hurt you that way, I'd feel like I have the right to know. It's about time I truly show you how much I trust you. I'll call my therapist tomorrow and ask for his help. So maybe you can come along next week."

"Are you sure?"

She nods, but still feels tense against me.

I decide that this is enough for tonight. Next week I'll meet her therapist and he'll be able to answer some of my questions.

I pull Bella up for some long and soft goodnight kisses, letting her know that I'll drop the subject for now. Slowly she relaxes in my arms again, until we both drift off to sleep.

AN: So he's figured it out, at least some parts... How do you think the therapy session will go?