Heya.
...
This was fast. (Goofy Grin)
Fun Fact: I started writing this story as if Devitto was talking to Kanda, just kinda pouring out his heart. I dunno, just encase you wondered. (Shrugs)
"All of this pretending makes me feel a bit confused
You've spent your life losing yourself
And now you're marked as used
So you cry yourself to sleep
On your blanket of snow with your tiara of Barbie doll heads
And your arms crossed for a pillow
If you can't make up your mind just how different you should be
Reorganize your priorities to expect more sympathy…"
"I'm Afraid Of Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf" -Murder By Death
XXX
A-(Not So)-Sexual Man
Side the Third:
Brother, 3
That summer was weird… In a bad way.
Wisely and, by some miracle, Robin- only because I never saw her at school even- graduated high school that year. And quickly, Robin took a much different route with her life and announced about a week after graduation that she'd be going abroad to study humanities- meaning she was moving to Germany for college. Cyril wasn't pleased, at first any way. Maggie looked offended- because that was the first time that Robin had sat down with the family for dinner in months, and she did it to drop this bomb. Allen looked like he already knew, but wasn't exactly happy about it. The rest of us were just kinda… bombed.
But we all got used to it I think. There'd always been three girls in the family, and now one had decided to extract herself from our woodwork. But we quickly changed from a house of cards to a sheet of metal, and by the time Robin left, we all understood that this was her way of coping with losing them. To her, our family was now only a part of what it needed to be- of what it was, and Robin saw no way those gaping chasms could be closed right then. I still don't think she does, for the most part.
But at the same time we were dealing with that, I was trying to deal with the fact that Wisely was going straight into College. No break, no pause, no summer to catch up even. By July he had an apartment in the city, he was enrolled in classes, majoring in behavioral studies- which he's now changes three times, and actually near a degree in all three… And I was going to go back to living for the weekends.
It sucked. Because I'd gotten so used to him begin there all the time, sleeping next to me- that when he actually moved out, and I had to spend that first night in my bed alone, I didn't sleep. But the reasons were different than before. It wasn't because I was scared, or hurt or angry. It was because I missed him- that regardless that I had him, he wasn't here. Couldn't be here, because- goddamnit, I would never forgive myself if I was what held him back…
That's been a reoccurring nightmare in the years since then though.
"There exists a melody
that just might change your mind
Oh if only I knew the key
To sing to make you mine…"
"Saw It On Your Keyboard" -Hellogoodbye
There was a final climax to the Jas and Rhode thing- and it was one of the worst things I've ever lived through.
I joined Track in the beginning of Freshmen year. Jas took up concert band. I figured out where I knew the guys that Jas always got into fights with, on one afternoon while running track. Because suddenly there was a bus running me over on the tarmac. One of the football players, number 18, Stuart- left the field just to tackle me, while in full gear. I passed out on the third punch- he was expelled before I woke up.
I remember waking up with Mimi over me and Jas brewing in the background. "What the fuck," was my first question. Jas was pissed, he didn't have to say anything for me to know that.
And then Rhode was tearing into the room and stopped at soon as she saw me. And her face was blank. Her eyes have never been that wide before, and I don't recall seeing her eyes form those particular lines since or before.
I remember the damage. I had five stitches in my cheekbone, two in the side of my head from where it hit the tarmac, four along my eyebrow. My collarbone was bruised from where he'd held me down. There was bruising on my thigh, from the other place he'd held me down when I tried to kick. My lip was funny shades of purple for weeks. There was slight sight loss in my left eye from the hit to my head that last just over a week. My ring finger on my left hard was broke from when I tried to hit back and hit his helmet, I remembered that. And other than that, I was so confused my head felt like spinning for hours.
'Cause when Rhode got there, Jas immediately told her to leave. And then, when she said no, Jas took her into the bathroom and I could still hear him yelling, even if what he was saying was distorted. Mimi just chuckled awkwardly as we listened.
Long story short: Rhode was having boy-toy troubles and when Jas had started to 'help', things got violent. We're twins- and apparently we both have that crazy protective/possessive streak. But Rhode didn't stop sleeping around- and that's where things got crazy. Then apparently she did, and stupid number 18, Stuart got pissed… And tackled me to beat the shit out of me- 'cause I'd totally known all of this.
Rhode is near nymphomaniac status with her libido. I never wanted to know, but I do.
Our family is fucked up.
But the funny part of all of this was when Wisely got to the hospital after his class. He immediately started yelling at both Jas and Rhode to stop being complete idiots. He's adorable when he's angry.
"Its so far away but I've planned a date
And that's at least a start to get inside your heart
It might be you and me
Oh we could be a team
It might be you and me oh just wait and see…"
"Figures A and B (Means You and Me)" -Hellogoodbye
After the whole Football tackled thing, Rhode hung around more. And oddly so did Allen- or at least I thought it was odd at that time. Rhode hung around more, because though she was in the same grade as us, she'd avoided us most of the time- saying she didn't want to be referred to as a delinquent. But after the whole thing with the football player, I had seen how they'd look at her and she probably preferred being a 'delinquent' than a 'rape victim'.
Her and Mimi clicked like staples. Mimi, luckily, was used to our odd family makeup by this time, so the looks that Jas and Rhode gave each other across the table (as I always kept them) didn't scar her too much.
But I remember the first time Mimi came over for the night. It was a Friday night, which when I pointed out to Rhode, she just smiled brightly. "Oh well," she'd responded. She and Rhode were in my room, playing Rock Band with Jas and I, as we did a lot, when Wisely got home. I'd heard Maggie talking to him down stairs, but continued to play. Mimi played guitar well on Medium, and sulked as Jas got 100% every time on drums no matter what we played. Rhode sang, because we knew Jas was too shy. I played bass, as usual- and Mimi sulked even more as I got 100% too.
"You have to remember," Rhode pointed out, after the third song, "They play this obsessively- as in every night." She dealt with it a little better after that.
And then Wisely came up. I knew he did, even as the song blocked out the sound of his entrance. He hung back, sitting on my bed and just watching us. But as soon as I was done, just before the actual end of the song, I turn around and smiled at him- he hadn't been home in two weeks by then. And as he motioned me over, I took it that he didn't care that Mimi was there- though I knew she knew.
Jas made sure to stop us before it got too bad, while Rhode just giggled. Mimi though, had the brightest blush on her face that I'd ever seen. "Well, I guess we're done playing," Jas added, tapping the drum pads to end the game.
"I can still play," I told him and Jas just huffed, while Rhode laughed at that and Mimi's blush got brighter.
"Hey, Mimi," Wisely had to comment and she merely waved a bit, chuckling nervously.
"Nah- we're done," Jas concluded shutting off the system and beginning out of the room before the two girls made to follow.
I shrugged and Wisely merely grinned.
"The sins of my youth
All these mainstream made emotions
Made me the boy that they wanted me to be
But when I took down my defenses
For the first time there was something in me
Yah something in me
Hot like a smoking gun
Back when I was young
I've got these habits that I cannot break…"
"Sins of my Youth" -Neon Trees
After that, freshmen year seemed to fly. Jas, Mimi, Rhode and I stuck together. Allen seemed to go in and out- the group of friends he had before seemed to all but vanish and when he didn't plan to be with us, I hardly ever saw him. I worried about him though, I won't lie about that.
The first time I ever saw him alone, was when I had gone to stay with Wisely for the first time. Actually- Jas, Rhode and I had gone to stay with him, but Jas and Rhode just hung out at his apartment while we went out.
It was a medium sized club, a few blocks from Wisely's apartment. Wisely said he'd gone a few times and shrugged when I gave him a look. But inside, it was different. The rooms were modular, not like any club I'd seen or imagined before. But I liked being out with him, because there no one knew he was my brother and it was the first time I ever kissed him outside one of our rooms. He grinned and blushed and tried to act like it hadn't happened- I just grinned and did it again.
But then I saw Allen sitting in the back of the room.
Walkers don't exactly blend into any crowd- and as Allen's steel eyes met mine, his white hair looked nearly blood red from the lights, and the red sequined dress of the small girl on his lap. But it was that smirk- that looked so much like Neah's, and the way his eyes mocked me- reminded me of when Adam knew I did something wrong and wouldn't tell him. But there were people around him, people I didn't know mixed with that odd posse that he used to hang out with at school.
"What's wrong," I remember Wisely asking me after a minute before he turned to take in what I was looking at.
In hindsight it kind of looked like there was an orgy of body grinding toward the back of the club. But I remember that small girl who was on his lap and how her hips twisted and knew there was at least a part of an orgy happening back there.
After a long while, Allen finally joined up with us and I was slightly amused with how he didn't say anything about how Wisely and I were draped across each other- but then he came back with us to crash at Wisely's a few blocks toward where the college campus was.
Jas and Rhode were passed out on the couch, the intro to a DVD playing over and over the TV. Allen didn't say anything about them either, but moved to the kitchen after asking for a drink and made it seem like the most normal thing in the world. He hadn't commented on how I held Wisely's hand the whole walk back either.
If I knew too much, Allen understood too much.
Wisely went to take a shower, and after that I moved to the kitchen where Allen stood leaning against the counter looking at the door of the fridge where a blank calendar sat, with Wisely printed school schedule next to it and a few random pictures.
One was of Jas and I, when he'd jumped on my back and demanded a piggy-back ride, and we were both laughing- I remember that we fell over right after he took the picture. There was a close up one of the top of Wisely's head and Rhode smiling at the camera. Then there was one of Allen, Robin, Rhode and Wisely, sitting at the kitchen table at the house- they all looked so young. The last one was of Wisely and Mimi sitting in the living room, Wisely draped over the couch and Mimi sitting in front of him smiling a bit.
But I wasn't really looking at them- I'd seen them quite a few times already. I was looking at Allen. That was the first time I'd seen his shoulder tattoo- the black spindally clock hands that pointed up from his arm. They looked good on him. Then he would have had his back tattoo already too- the round staff paper lined with crooked notes and the family crest in the middle. There was the same exact design on the top of the legal papers for Ark. In Allen's mind, even back then, he belonged to Ark.
I remember that even though he 'let loose' on the weekends- went to clubs, got drunk, and sex with random girls in red dresses sitting right next to the dance floor- Allen made perfect grades, got honors and never blew his top. But that was his balance- he went crazy so he could come back two days later and give his all again. That was how Allen worked best for a long time. He graduated high school first in his class on time, regardless of all the downfalls in the family. He took over Ark when he was seventeen-and a half, but his ideas had been there for years before that. Cyril asked him about most things, because Allen had always thought so much like Neah.
But right then, when I was standing in the kitchen with him, he was my cousin- not The Musician.
"How long have you two been screwing," he asked me suddenly, eyes still on the blank calendar.
"Since last winter," I answered back just as blandly. Allen just nodded a few time and took a drink from the glass of water in his hand.
"Cool," was his reply. And then we were quiet for a bit. I listened to Jas and Rhode sleep in the other room, to Wisely's shower and the sound of the refrigerator running. Then Allen scoffed. "I don't even remember that girl's name." I laughed at him, and then there was a small, sad smile on his face. "Kinda wish I did." I had to nod solemnly to that. I knew what he was getting at.
Allen had his balance, but I don't think he ever really liked it. He wanted something to throw him off, something to make him want to change- force him to do thing differently.
He did eventually, but from that moment when I figure it out to when he did, Allen had a hard three and a half years. His balance rarely failed, but rarely still happened twice. But Allen Walker always came out better for every downfall he had.
"What can we do better,
When will we know how?
A man says from a sidewalk to a crowd
We can change the weather,
If you wanted to yourself.
And if you can't I guess we all need help,
Yeah, I need help…"
"Mona Lisa" -The All-American Rejects
At the very end of my freshmen year, our family changed again.
In hindsight it seemed like it should have been before that that it did- but no, it took that long.
It was a very spontaneous Forth of July party, what was suddenly set up because Cyril needed a reason to take a day off- that was Tyki's logic anyway. So we all shipped ourselves out to the manor and shot off fireworks all night.
And that night was when it changed- expanded just a bit. I remember it was the first time we'd all planed a get together for a while. Jas, Rhode and I had become so self-sufficient and Maggie. Jude and Paul had lost themselves in work so far that it felt like I hadn't seen then in year, even thought we lived in the same house. And then suddenly there we two very new people that I felt were already a part of our family.
Because the idea that Maggie would find a man who held her down was odd. Though she fought with him at every turn, he fought valiantly right back- regardless that Cross Marian was a very odd fellow altogether- they seemed like patchwork. And then Finny seemed like he was completely pacified with the uniquely beautiful Cloud Nine perched on his lap with his head on her shoulder and his eyes closed. And it was so easy to understand how they fit and what made them work.
Rhode told Wisely and I that Cloud worked for the record, played rhythm too, which was how they met. Cross was a scout for the company, too- so in a way they had already been part of our extended family, but this just made them more. And they belonged right there- right where they were right then. Because that spot fit both of them.
"It was always you
Falling for me
Now there's always time
Calling for me
I'm the light blinking at the end of the road
Blink back to let me know…"
"Always" -Panic! At The Disco
And then everything went to hell- that's pretty much all I can call it.
Because when Wisely started back into classes and I began my sophomore year, I feel like we fell apart. His classes demanded a lot of time (he always took too many) and in third week of the year, Jas and I began to work at the label.
We talked on the phone and online, but within a few weeks it felt like he was a stranger- and it scared me. But I never told him that.
I never pushed him to stay near me- to stay in contact, at least. I'd text him, but I never could tell him how much the vague answers I got back bothered me- how the conversations that just seemed to end ate at me.
I'd loved him as long as I could remember, but I'd never told him that- I'd never asked him how long he'd wanted to be with me. Or if he'd ever even wanted to stay with me. But I knew his school was important to him, I knew that the small stuff he did for the label was important to him- and I couldn't let myself keep him from things he wanted.
I realized in late October that I'd never really talked to him about our relationship at all.
And then the label threw a Halloween party. By then, I'd only seen him three times since school started. I found him as soon as Jas and I got there- and it was immediately like we just fell back together. The 9Th Gate, where the party was that year- back when only the 9th, 4th and 3rd Gates were actually open- had a casino and hotel attached, and eventually we left the party and got a hotel room. I know it sounds cheesy, but we did- and we stayed up all night, having sex and just talking about stupid stuff that wouldn't mean anything a few hours later.
It made so much sense when we were together- like how when Cross and Cloud came to the Forth of July party- and it just worked. He was there and I was there, and it worked.
And then around five the next morning, when we were just laying there- he was turned sideways on the bed, his head almost falling off the edge, arms out to his sides, knees bent, completely naked, hair a total mess- he, oddly, asked me. "What are we doin', Devi?"
And thinking about his tone, I wondered why I hadn't thought about his end? And after a second, I laughed a bit and moved over to lay next to him. He just looked confused, even as I kissed him.
And I told him. Maybe it's stupid to think about- that we'd been together, like that, for nearly a year, and I somehow hadn't told him yet. But it seemed to make him feel better I guess, and we finally curled up and pulled up the covers and sleep halfway though the next day.
We had to work for it though. I remember the following weekend, he called me around five in the afternoon on Friday, just after I'd gotten out of track. And we piddled around a conversation full of long pauses before I finally figured out there was something he was trying to ask me. "Do you want to come get me," I asked him.
"Yes," was his immediate response. And then we both laughed about our stupidity for the rest of the weekend, until he took me home Sunday night.
Jas and I both got our license as soon as we turned sixteen, because Cyril wouldn't let us before then- but he would get us cars, he's a bit odd. Jas's first car was a black and orange CRX, mine was as black and red civic. And after that, I went to see Wisely more, Jas and Rhode- sometimes Mimi- would usually come, drive separate and go do their own thing. Mimi always said she felt like a fifth wheel though, so she didn't come much.
"Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go…"
"Waiting for the End" -Linkin Park
At the end of my Sophomore year, which as Allen's senior- the entire family got together and all agreed that we would get tattoos for the anniversary. We all agreed to get the same stars on the back of both hands, but that what we put inside would be our own choice.
Robin, who we all still talked to, even came home to do it with us- and though she left a few days later, it was enough. She got the family crest inside.
I remember, immediately, Allen go the lines of piano keys, that looked as if you could see through his hands if he were to lay his hands of a piano's keys.
Wisely got lines of staff paper with random notes on them.
Rhode got three scrabble pieces tattooed in the insides of both- the letters W, K and B- the first letter of all of our last names.
Jas got the cut outs off cliché Halloween trees, but I knew what he was thinking about- that tree in the back yard of the manor that we would always play in- that Adam always told us to not 'break our necks' in.
I got the Kanji for family in mine, because it was the whole reason we were getting them at all.
Jude got a white feather in his that looked like it was dropped on water with the ripples that came out.
Maggie, Cyril, Tyki, and Paul couldn't decide right then.
Cyril eventually got large gothic 'N' in his- for Noah.
Tyki ended up getting these odd butterflies drawn into his- he called them Tease, but he would never tell me what they actually were for, wouldn't even tell Rhode.
Paul got little flames in his- said it was for the 'fire of family'. I try to avoid actually talking to him, cause Paulie's a little strange. Maggie calls him silly more than anyone I've ever seen- but he makes her laugh.
And Maggie eventually got roses, cause Mana loved roses like Adam loved those vines that he grew in the study.
No one asked Lulu, but I think she got it a few days after the rest of us- even though none of us told her. When I saw them once, it looked like she had little hearts detailed in them.
"Things have changed for me, and that's okay.
I feel the same, I'm on my way,
And I have changed for me, and that's okay…
I want to go where everyone goes,
I want to know what everyone knows,
I want to go where everyone feels the same…"
"Green Gentleman (Things Have Changed)" -Panic! At The Disco
Allen graduated high school that spring. He got an apartment right near Wisely, and before the summer was over he was running Ark. But he made it perfectly clear that he would be taking a few classes in the fall at the same university as Wisely, too. Wisely seemed happy about it, at least.
He also made it perfectly clear that with the skills Jas and I had, he wanted us to perform. Like on stage, with fans and our own music. I didn't lie to Jas, the idea sounded kinda awesome to me, but Jas was still really shy back then- the mere idea gave him anxiety. Wisely said we could work him up to him, Rhode just sat there encouragingly and said she'd help with a wink. And that conversation was over- with a blush so massive on Jas' face it went down his neck. But Allen kept bringing it up.
And by the time we went into our Junior year, Jas had agreed. We went to school, we came home, we went to work on music. With Jas' piano and rhythm skills we did alright for a while. Wisely eventually started coming back home on the weekends to help with guitar parts. And oddly, the lyrics came to him pretty easily.
It was an afternoon like that, when Wisely first hear me sing- Jas had heard it some for a few weeks by then, but I still wanted to slap that smirk off his face when Wisely turned to gape at me. "What," was my only defense, while Jas grinned and Wisely gaped. Then I ended up throwing a pencil at my brother and knocking Wisely off his stool before suggesting we get back to work. Truth be told, if I had been in Jas' shoes, I would have been just as shy.
Our first demo was done in just under two months. Allen had started school in there- Wisely told me, about how he was, the stuff they talked about, and that was how I first heard about Kanda.
But we continued working, even as I literally passed it off to Allen and he turned to pitch it. In the second week of November we were given a chance. With work on the album in full swing- Wisely and Cloud both in and out to help us wherever they could, Allen stopping by just to check on how it was going, Rhode popping in to see if she could hear anything wonderful, before Jas would clam up make her leave- Junior year flew.
We both somehow passed the year. I still felt like I grew apart from Wisely again, even though he was over every other day practically helping with stuff. But with Cloud there most of the time, we couldn't just sit down and be us. Cloud was part of the family, and I was pretty sure she already knew- but I didn't want to scar the poor woman, or make her think our family was that much worse off. And when he had just been next to me for three hours, I felt weird calling him when he would leave.
Through the entire process though, Wisely told me about things with Allen and more and more about Kanda, and from listening to the things that Wisely said- to how he described him, I could almost hear Allen's scale tipping, I listened to the things that he did that were so different from the Allen that I knew- I could hear in Wisely's observations that Allen had found his weight. I got along with Kanda before I'd even met him. I met him on New Years and liked him even more- he thought we were all crazy.
The album was finished to both of our satisfaction in early May- which from what Allen told us, was fast. And suddenly I felt like I had so much time. Even with all the meetings about legal stuff and other hoopla that went over my head, there was still moments when I sat down and suddenly felt like I should have been doing something, only to think about it and know I didn't have anything.
And then Junior year was over, and I practically moved into Wisely's, while Jas moved into his guest bedroom- because it was closer to Ark. And it was awesome, to wake up to him crawling into bed after he had just gotten back from class only to have him laugh at me and tell me I should try to be up before three in the afternoon. But then we'd take a nap, I'd actually get up and he'd do his homework while Jas and I worked in the living room on stuff for the future.
And then the album blew up. The radio single was an 'instant hit' like Allen knew it would be and then there were a lot less of those moments, 'cause I was always busy again.
"There are no raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses
Sleeping with roaches and taking best guesses
At the shade of the sheets and before all the stains
And a few more of your least favorite things…"
"Build God, Then We'll Talk" -Panic! At The Disco
At seventeen, we became stars… or some shit like that. It didn't feel like anything changed really, other than that we put ourselves out there to be photographed. There were interviews, and guest appearances. I got good at scooting around the 'who are you with' questions- Jas and I both did.
But the family was famous, and it multiplied with us. We made the family more famous, the family made us better known. That tattoos on our hands were a double edged sword- everyone knew about them, everyone knew who we were because of them. Maggie's band that had been semi-well known suddenly got bigger when they released a new album shortly after us. And then we were feeding each other's fame.
Cyril took us out of public school, put us in online classes. Then the company higher-ups were pushing for a tour. Allen said no even. We wanted to finish high school. The label executives didn't seem to care. It made news. Everything blew up and started moving so fast.
And somewhere in there, I lost him. I stayed with him, but with Wisely's school and my whirlwind of a life, plus the online school- it felt like I never saw him. Jas eventually got his own place, that we called our's so the media couldn't ask why I was living with Wisely. It was like when We lived with Maggie, Jude and Paulie, but never saw them so it was like we didn't.
But it was worse, because he got distant- like something else was eating him, something other than us. He closed himself off, and I hated it. But he never pulled away, just never put it all out there anymore. There was something wrong and no matter how much I tried to ask him he would never tell me.
Senior year seemed non-existant with only online things. I hung out with Jas and Rhode a lot, because Wisely always just told me to go.
Then Jas and Rhode had a fight shortly before Halloween, about him hanging out with Mimi too much- she was a girl and thought he was cheating. She's a very silly girl. But Jas saw how frustrated I was with Wisely, he could always see it. But Jas was totally drunk, and I was nearly, and he told me about how they'd 'experiment'. I never thought about how Jas might have slept with other people- to be honest, I hadn't wanted to know.
But then I was, and we were drunk and there was this cute guy on the floor that had the same build as Wisely and, before I knew it we were in a mess and I was still so drunk.
And I felt like a fool. I woke up in a hotel room with Jas next to me on the other side of the bed and I felt like I was eight years old again.
And I remember that feeling, that shattering feeling that made me feel like I'd just totally lost all hold on my life. I didn't cry though- even though my eyes stung and I felt like hurling, I didn't cry. I sat up slowly, noting that the miscellaneous guy was on the floor totally gone still. And I pulled on my jeans, over my boxers, wondering if I'd actually had sex with him even because I didn't feel like I had. I grabbed my cell phone off the night stand and still shirtless walking into the bathroom and sat on the toilet lid.
And sitting there, listening to the florescent lights above the mirror buzz, I tried to figure out when I lost my grip. I can think back now and note that it was probably just after the beginning of Sophomore year, I've said this already, but it all went to hell way back then.
I held the five key and waiting for him to answer. Seven rings later he didn't and it went to voicemail. Ending the call I realized it was a Thursday, and he was in class until four- and it was only one-thirty right then. And I wanted to see him so bad. My brain suddenly decided I did, but then my mind was summoning up all the moments in the last year that he had been so withdrawn. And I didn't want to see him- because I didn't want to want him and only have him half there. I needed more than that.
And then I did cry.
And that was how Jas found me twenty minutes later.
"Give me envy, give me malice, give me a-a-attention
Give me envy, give me malice, baby, give me a break!
When I say "Shotgun", you say "Wedding"
"Shotgun", "Wedding", "Shotgun", "Wedding"…"
"Time To Dance" -Panic! At The Disco
It took me three days of hiding out at Jas', watching him and Rhode go on with their life as if Halloween hadn't happened, to finally turn my phone back on. Rhode asked me what was wrong so many times that I finally told her. Jas had told her about the guy, who apparently he had actually had sex with, while I hadn't- there was a little yelling, a bit of arguing- but then they were over it.
"You have to remember," she told me later, "This is how we started- constantly sleeping around on each other. But we get passed it because we'll always come back here in the end. It's where we really want to be."
I had apparently been a lot drunker than Jas in the end.
But when I turned on my phone to sixteen texts and four voicemails, I cried again.
You didn't come home. Everything alright?
Call me?
You're not dead are you?
Dev?
And just more of the same. There were even several just blank texts that I knew he would have just been trying to get my attention. But then the texts slowed down and he started leaving voicemails.
"Dev, it's Wise. Where are you? Call me? Bye."
"Hey Devi. It's 8, as in, in the morning. I tried calling Jas, but his phone is off now too. Uhm, just call me back when you get this I guess. Yeah."
"Hey, it's me. You'd better not be dead. Love you."
And the last one.
"Okay, I'm done calling- cause you're phone either off or dead. I don't know what happened, but I would really like to. Hope you're alright. I love you. Call me back. Bye."
Then the voicemails stopped and he started texting again.
And as I looked through them, I thought about it- about us. About how I'd known him sixteen years of my life- that I could remember at least. That I'd loved him at least ten of them. That I'd been having sex with him almost four years then. That I'd been telling him I loved him for over a year. And that the night before, messing around with some miscellaneous guy changed none of that. I still loved him just the same.
It was just after three o'clock on Sunday when I called him. He answered on the second ring. "Hey," he answered casually, but didn't leave me time to respond, "Where are you?"
"Jas'," I responded not trying to pick up on the greeting. And then there was a pause. He already knew that- and he already knew something was wrong.
"Are you okay?" And it hurt, it hurt because he already knew, and he probably already knew I had been hurting myself for days because of it and that he didn't have to say anything for it to hurt worse. But he waited, because Wisely knows me better than I know myself.
"I'm sorry," I hadn't planned to say it so obviously. He only hummed back and I could image his head tilting as his eyes closed.
"I know," he replied. And I realized I was already crying again, silently. I felt like a giant baby, because I hadn't even really cried when mom died, or when Adam died, but I was crying now- because I didn't want him to leave me. He sighed again, as if he already knew that too, "I know."
"Back to the placeWhere we used to say
Man it feels good to feel this way
Now I know what I mean…
Back to the street, back to the place,
Back to the room where it all began, hey
Back to the room where it all began
'Cause it's nine in the afternoon…"
"Nine in the Afternoon" -Panic! At The Disco
It wasn't fixed, nothing was fixed. Actually it just shattered again a few weeks later.
The cooperates put an agenda in front of Jas and I, for a tour- that would start in the end of January, right after we could graduate. I wouldn't lie, I didn't want to go- but it was part of the job.
People will love you, people will want to see you- that's the deal.
Jas was in the same boat. So we signed and we would go. From January to August, a seven month tour, across the country and then six weeks overseas.
I stayed with Wisely still. We slept in the same bed, but we didn't sleep together. But after the tour announcement, it wasn't just that I'd messed around with another guy. I felt like it was that he expected me to do it again. Which I'd already told myself countless times that I'd never get drunk enough again to want to.
Then out of nowhere he told me on a Tuesday that he would probably be going with Rhode and Tyki to crash Allen meeting Kanda's family before Christmas. I laughed about it outwardly, but inside I was a bit bothered- felt like I'd turned into a woman suddenly with all the stupid things that were bothering me.
And I found myself getting mad again- Mad like I hadn't been since freshmen year. Because he was pushing me away again.
And I made it a point to tell him that night. I sat up late, passed when he usually went to bed, and he did- took a late shower and went to lay down. He even stopped in the bedroom door off the living room to look at me where I was messing around with some of the last assignment for graduation, but he didn't say anything before turning to go into the room. I noted he left the door open though. I waited for him to shut off the light before I shut the down the computer and moved into the room.
This was backwards of how it usually happened. I usually went to bed early anymore- sleep less than I used to either way- and got up early. But to me, it was fine, because I used to go days without sleeping at all, unless he was next to me.
I knew he was awake though, as I took off my shirt, took off my socks and changed my pants, making sure that I did put my pajama pants on. I slid under the comforter and right up behind him, I could feel him grow alert, but not far enough to be tense. I wrapped my arm around him and perched my chin on his shoulder and looked at the window, where I know he was looking too.
"You know, babe," I told him, and I could feel him relax a bit, "I'm not going anywhere." There was a pause and then he slowly turned over, then halfway under me.
Wisely's eyes are an odd hazel color, have I ever said that?
"I know," he told me, but I could see the resignation in his eyes. There was that feeling that it wasn't just about us again.
"Tell me what's wrong," I asked and I could see the start in him. But before I could ask anything else he looked like he was going to cry- and I was wondering when we turned into children, crying about everything. Then his arms were around me holding me to him, even as he cried quietly. I managed to roll us over and just let him cry on me.
"Say it again," he suddenly asked and I told him again and again, that I wasn't going anywhere, that I loved him. But this time I didn't seem to make him feel better.
"Through playful lips made of yarn
That fragile Capricorn
Unraveled words like moths upon old scarves
I know the world's a broken bone
But melt your headaches, call it home…
Hey moon, please forget to fall down
Hey moon, don't you go down…"
"Northern Downpour" -Panic! At The Disco
And three days later, he was gone- left with Tyki early to go to Kanda's, though Kanda didn't know. He called me late that night. I told him not to even say it- I knew it was coming.
There was something else going on. I didn't doubt that- I knew and know that it's not him pulling the strings this time.
"I love you, you fucking know that," he'd yelled it in the parking lot of the Gate that I ran into him at when Mimi and Jas had made me go out. Rhode was angry, I knew that- Jas had wanted to see her. And then he'd kneeled in front of where I sat in the driver side of my car and I could see it screaming at me in his eyes.
"Then why," I had to ask again, even though I felt- knew he wouldn't tell me. But he just shook his head, and kissed me right there.
"But we get passed it because we'll always come back here in the end. It's where we really want to be."
It's sick to some- because we're brothers by a piece of paper, because we're both guys. But he's my life- I'd do anything for him.
"Please, Devi," I can still hear him pleading when I close my eyes. "Please. I'll fix it- You just have to let me."
I don't even know what broke. But just like when I was little, and he'd make Rhode stop crying no matter what I said- Wisely said he'd fix it, so I knew he would.
The tour went fast, show after show. Then tour buss rides where the six of us would simply sit here and write more songs that once we got them right we'd play at another venue. I got over my stage fright real quick- I close my eyes and just sing, play and try to be happy.
Try to not wonder if it'll be fixed when we get back next week.
"You are the one
You'll never be alone again
You're more than in my head - your more…"
"You Are The One" -Shiny Toy Guns
"'Cause when you lose control like that, you can forget even yourself."
So... How was that?
(Meek Smile)
And can I please say that, I love you all, sofa-king-much?
Everyone who reviews, is amazing- and all you people who Favorite and Alert should review- (Grin)- but you're wonderful too. I mean, seriously.. I (heart) all of you- to burning flames and back. (Smiles)
But this last part of Brother.x (which is what I've started calling my ) is supposed to be so disjointed, because it is Devitto telling a story (that does have a purpose-) and by the end of it he's so confused and frustrated, he doesn't even know what's going on. Wisely's keeping things from him and so he doesn't know everything. (Ah the woes, of First Person Narration.) But the next part will be back in third person and will pick up about the time the twins tour ends- and we'll be back with Kanda and Allen.
(Smiles)
And I'm gonna tell you all that the ending of this caught even me off guard. It just happened and I sat there for a moment and then I literally said, "Oh, that's it." And then I reread it and I had a huge 'Whoa' moment.. This side plot was so tangible (to me at least) it made me want to cry at parts. And I really liked the response I got from the JasXRhode- they're just so cute in my head, and I'm glad they were well-received. (Smiles)
Thanks for reading. (Grin)
-Aseru