A/N: I'm back! Just wanted to make sure I got chapter 5 almost ready before posting this one. I hope you'll like this update. Your comments and reviews are my 'emotional' paychecks so please leave a message. Enjoy! xoxo Fantomette

Chapter 4:

He wasn't ready.

He should have called Doctor Agard to talk about his feelings and such shit BEFORE he saw Donna. His hands were shaking as he brought her coffee. He had ordered one for her at the counter as she settled at a table of this cute, little coffee shop. He ordered her coffee just the way she liked it and he was proud that he remembered. She had removed her coat and was wearing a loose, pink sweater over a spandex yoga top. The sweater was hanging off one of her shoulder, leaving her long neck exposed. He caught his feet in the chair, his mind clearly focused on the redhead's skin, and he spilled coffee on one of his hand. "FUCK!" He whined, making a few heads turned around them. He placed the cups on the table and sat in the chair next to her.

"Are you okay?" Donna asked with concern. "Your hand is red, let me see…" He didn't have time to protest she grabbed his wrist, gently taking his hand in hers. Her thumb gently brushed his knuckles and as much as it hurt, he resisted the urge to take the cup and spill it all over his shirt so that he could feel her hands on him... He smiled at how desperate he was for her touch, and he pulled his hand out of her grasp.

"I'm okay," he mumbled.

"You are weird today. What happened last night? You are…" She narrowed her gaze at him. "Different."

He smiled at her and reflected on what he COULD NOT say: 'Oh yeah, if I look so different maybe it is because I tried to have sex with a random woman last night and couldn't even get a hard-on because I'm miserable without you. I want to have sex with you right now if you don't mind.' His fingers had somehow managed to break the sleeve of his coffee cup.

"Harvey?" Donna asked with a quizzical look. "God, this is annoying Harvey. We've been sitting here for the past five minutes and you've just been smiling and haven't said a word!"

He took a sip of coffee and placed the cup in front of him. He took a deep breath and started nervously:

"Donna. I'm sorry for last night. I'm…" He paused and closed his eyes. "I need time."

"What do you mean by 'time'?"

He felt drops of sweats behind his neck and hoped he wouldn't have a panic attack. He wanted to back off, build walls again but he remembered how Doctor Agard blamed him for never making himself emotionally available. If he wanted any kind of relationship with Donna, he had to open up, at least a little.

He steadied his hands by setting them under the table. He felt how sweaty his palms were on his legs.

"I need time to…adapt to you…" He searched for words. "To you not being THERE."

"So you are saying we can't be friends. Is that what you're saying Harvey?" her tone was accusatory.

He jumped. "No. That's not what I said! Donna, listen…"

She took a large gulp of coffee not even looking at him, she got up and took her coat off the chair. The woman was impossible! He got up and took a step around the table, towards her. "Why every time I try to talk to you, you never let me finish! You know it isn't easy for me! Donna! Please!"

She now had her coat on, zipped it up. She grabbed her handbag and yoga mat.

Suddenly it hit him.

"You are as scared as I am…" he shook his head while he talked in a low voice. "You always made it seem like it was all my fault but you are as scared as I am."

"What?" She laughed out loud. "What the hell are you talking about? We both know we needed a change. I'm not scared of anything, I'm the one who left. I wanted better work conditions."

"Really Donna? REALLY?" He said brusquely. The woman was slowly driving him insane.

"Thanks for the coffee," she said harshly while she walked away as he stood there. Donna walking away, yet another time. His heart was racing and he felt his throat closing but he decided right there that he wouldn't have a panic attack. He grabbed his coat, walked quickly out of the coffee shop and started running as soon as his feet hit the sidewalk. He turned the corner and spotted her fiery red hair from a distance. Harvey crossed the last quarter mile to reach her, grabbed her by the arm so that she would turn around to face him and his hands cupped her face, her red-rimmed eyes warning him but she also angled her head slightly and opened her mouth like it was all she had expected from this day. He leaned forward as their lips met. He was surprised at how slow and warm the kiss was. He expected them to kiss like they had fought a few minutes ago but there was no anger in that kiss, just sweet surrender. She had dropped her yoga mat and he felt her fingertips pressing behind his head, begging for him to get even closer. He parted his lips and her tongue slipped in his mouth. She tasted like her favorite whipped cream coffee and he wanted to take her home. He wanted to ask her to never leave him again, he gently pulled out from the kiss and opened his eyes and saw it: the confused look on her face, almost simultaneously followed by her palm slapping him hard across his cheek.

"What the hell Donna!" His hand rubbed his cheek as he winced in pain.

"You can't kiss me after twelve years and expect that this would fix everything," she yelled at him. Tears started streaming down her face and she turned on her feet, grabbed her yoga mat and crossed the street without looking back.

Once again he stood speechless as he watched her leave. He'd never been more confused in his entire life.

Harvey dragged his feet to the little coffee shop, heading directly to the bathroom where he vomited all his stress and anxiousness of the day.

'

'

"I'm surprised you decided to book an appointment, Harvey," said Paula Agard as she motioned him to sit on the couch in front of her.

He sat on the couch, not removing his winter coat. He's been feeling cold since Donna had left him alone on the sidewalk.

He couldn't even looked at Paula. He took a deep breath and started, looking at his hands balled into fists on his legs.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you and left the session the other day. You poked where it hurt."

Doctor Agard didn't reply. She just had a discreet smile and a look that implied 'go on'.

"I'm…" Harvey stopped. He was about to say he was in love with Donna, but he wasn't even sure he really knew what being in love was. "I have feelings for Donna. I'm not comfortable with those feelings."

Paula giggled. "Okay. It's pretty normal for human beings to have feelings, Harvey. Why aren't you comfortable with those feelings?"

"Caring only makes you weak," he said shaking his head. "Look, I… tried to show her I care and she walked all over me."

The therapist furrowed her eyebrows. "How does it make you feel?"

He threw his hands up in despair. "How do you think does that make me feel? I feel like every time I open up to someone, they use it against me!"

"Okay. I'm glad you are able to tell me how it makes you feel. Now, Harvey, tell me how did you open up to Donna and what did she do."

"We went out for a coffee. I kissed her." He paused, remembering how her lips tasted like whipped cream and how he wanted all of her. He struggled not quite sure how to tell the last part. But he wanted help, he couldn't deal with this alone.

"I didn't force her or anything. She was the one who pushed for…a more passionate kiss. But then, out of nowhere, when I stopped, she slapped me. I don't understand… I didn't tell her anything."

Paula shook her head, and leaned towards Harvey. "Harvey…when you say you didn't tell her ANYTHING… it means: you kissed her but didn't tell her A SINGLE THING, am I correct?"

He nodded. He still had his coat on. His hands were still balled into fists. He still looked like a man ready to run away at any second.

His therapist looked exasperated. "You seem like a very intelligent man. I'll let you draw your own conclusions from what happened today." She crossed her legs, observing the man sitting in front of her.

"You look like you are ready to run away, AGAIN." She said after a moment.

He resisted the urge to get up and go home, closing the door on his feelings one more. He chewed his lower lip and shove a hand in his hair. He removed his winter coat and put it on the head rest.

"Okay. You think by kissing her I was running away from my feelings, again?"

Paula smiled. "I'm not the one saying it, Harvey. You are. But emotional avoidance is harmful in the long term. It is great as a short term solution. But you are left with unresolved issues, and it gets worse and worse…"

"What do you mean?"

"When was the last time you touched Donna? I mean, beside the kiss this morning?"

He closes his eyes, trying to remember. "Hmmm… She helped me after I hit that guy, Stephen. Sometimes she would help me with my tie..."

She sighed. "That's not touching, Harvey."

He shrugged. "I don't remember then. We used to touch more when… I mean she would grab my arm or I would…" He swallowed, his throat tightening. Every time she would busy her hands around his necktie it would burn his skin. There was this image of her naked, that time when he was made partner, the ritual with the can opener. How much he wanted her then… "I wasn't comfortable anymore with…" he sighed.

Doctor Agard nodded. "You keep telling yourself you should avoid a particular emotion and you keep denying the truth. You saw what make some feelings arise in you so you avoid those situations. The problem is, the more you avoid feelings, the weaker you are. If you keep going that path Harvey, your anxiety is going to lead you to depression."

"Caring only makes you…" he began, his voice harsh.

"NO HARVEY! It isn't caring that makes you weak. It is avoidance that makes you weak."

"You are wrong!" He snapped.

"Am I? Look where you are right now!" She shouted.

He closed his mouth into a thin line. She was right. He remembered how this morning, for the first time in his life, he felt like he had no reasons to live.

"Okay let me explain this in terms you will understand. Today, it is windy. But imagine that I don't like wind. So I say 'No it can't be windy today', but clearly it is anyway. Denying it isn't going to make the wind disappear or solve the problems that it caused. It still there."

His fists were now firmly grabbing his coat.

"Stop avoiding it. Emotional acceptance, Harvey. Accept the truth, stop using your energy to push your feelings away. You are tired Harvey, it's time to accept them. Deal with them. What's the worst that could happen?"

He had his head in hands, eyes closed as she continued bombarding him with the truth: "It already happened, Harvey… She left."