Chapter 21: Experiment

I'm still processing everything, it's a lot to take in, but it's not a struggle, since she's let me in completely.

A switch was turned inside her head and suddenly I'm allowed to see everything. All the memories she is able to write down, all her nightmares and her panic attacks, all her shame an self hate. I saw bits of that, beneath the surface, when she was trying to hide from me, but now she's completely honest.

I expected her to be vulnerable around me, like an open wound, but it's quite the opposite. I'm the one who is still shaken up, she on the other hand seems lighter. More confident.

Relieved. As if her fear for my response was a major issue, which it probably was.

I'm glad I handled it well, apparently. The talk with Tom was a real eye opener. Not only did he give all the right information, but he also comforted me before I could actually get hurt by certain thoughts. I can see now how he can have such an impact on Bella. That man deserves a medal for the work he's doing.

While Bella feels more relaxed around me, more open, more giving and more willing to move our relationship further, I needed some more time. It took me weeks to make out to her the way we did before. I still have trouble sometimes with pushing her against a wall, but she assured me that there is nothing violent or dominant about it, if that is exactly what she wants me to do. She feels safer when I take control, because she trusts me more than she trusts herself, but still it feels kinda weird to get on top of her, knowing how she grew up with rape and abuse.

Eventually, she decided to give me time and take the lead, for now. And I don't complain. She has been very generous with those lovely hands of hers. And even one time with her mouth in the shower. I tried to object, but her pleading eyes made me accept. And boy was I glad I did!

Tonight, the determination in her eyes when she leads me to bed tells me that she's got plans. It's been four days since our last sexy moment, and that didn't lead to climax, so I'm more than willing to give her whatever she likes if she wants to try new stuff.

She sensually undresses both me and herself to our underwear and kisses me passionately. Even before we start anything, she's got me longing for her like crazy. Her ever present nerves subside and she pushes me down on the mattress. I pull the blanket over our shivering bodies to keep warm, even though I don't feel cold at all.

When she carefully climbs on top of me, I nearly hold my breath. I know I'm in for another round of teasing, but she looks more turned on this time. More scared as well.

She leans down against me, her hot center pressed up against my cock, only separated by our underwear. Slowly and deliberately, she moves her hips back and forth, her eyes locked with mine as if my gaze can keep her calm.

My breath shudders, but I keep still and let her set the pace. She can have all of me to experiment on. Especially if she's making me feel like this.

"Mmm Bella," I groan, but she hushes me at once.

"Don't move, please," she whispers. I understand, she doesn't want to get carried away.

I just lay there, my hands in her hair and I close my eyes. Ever so slowly, she's rubbing herself up and down my shaft, and my boxers aren't the only fabric getting wet. Soft moans escape both our throats and I like how she seems to enjoy this. Not just emotionally, but physically as well.

Her fingers grip at my shoulders and her body is pressed firmer against mine. Those hips seem to move on their own, speeding up just a tiny bit. This usually is the moment where I pull back, but there is nothing that I can do now, she's completely in control.

I open my eyes to watch her face. There's no panic, just sweet arousal. Her eyes are slightly glazed over, her lips pink and parted. How I'd love to kiss them and remove that wet fabric from between our bodies. Even if it was just to feel her skin against mine.

This thought is almost making me pulse and I squeeze my eyes shut in an effort to keep my hips still. God I never knew dry humping could be this erotic, this feels more intense than all the sex I ever had in my life.

When I have myself under control again, I open my eyes to watch her. With my fingertips I brush the hairs from her flushed face and whisper, "you're so beautiful."

"Shhh," she whispers. Clearly she needs to focus as well.

Every time she gets swept away, she is flung back to her past with all the nasty feelings involved. This time she's trying her hardest to stay with me. I keep looking deeply into her eyes, to keep her here, to reassure her.

But it's getting harder with every minute, I am getting harder with every minute.

She's just rubbing herself, so deliciously. And I need more, I need her to go faster, but I won't move. The fire spreads through my entire body, like we're both floating somewhere in a space with only this bliss.

Suddenly I feel her fingertips brush over my eyes that are squeezed shut.

"Are you okay?" she asks. Her movements stop and I nearly groan with frustration.

"Please don't stop now," I beg, "please."

She understands and continues riding me, this time with a little more speed and pressure.

I can't hold back the moans anymore, using all my power to keep my hips still.

"Oh Bella," I sigh, "this feels so good."

When a stifled moan escapes her throat as well, I come undone.

I crash over the edge and involuntarily, my hips buck upwards with each powerful pulse of my orgasm.

Instantly she lifts her body away from me, which is a shame because I wanted more of that pressure, all the way through my climax. But it feels amazing anyway.

When I finally come back down to earth, I realize how selfish I have been. This was about her and here I am begging her to continue to get me off.

I search her face for signs of panic, but fortunately, there are none. She just looks at me proudly and whispers, "I didn't know this would be enough."

"Me neither," I chuckle.

She stretches her legs to snuggle up close beside me, her face in the crook of my neck.

"You don't have to stop," I whisper.

"No that's fine, I'm happy," she murmurs. She almost sounds just as satisfied as I feel, so I believe her.

"Was that… I mean, did that feel good for you?" I ask her.

"Yeah," she answers, "it was new, and exciting and intense. I liked it."

"And, um, down there?" I dare to ask.

She smiles and whispers, with a little shyness, "it tingled, that was nice. But it was also a bit painful."

"Painful? How? Did I push too hard?"

"No, not the rubbing, that was nice. More like, cramps, inside."

I frown a little at hearing this. It really shouldn't have been painful, there wasn't that much pressure.

"And now?" I ask worriedly.

"Just a little bit," she replies, "there's probably something wrong with me."

"Bella, you're perfect."

"No, I mean, really. I was so young and often I would bleed and I've never seen a doctor. I could be damaged."

This thought brings me into a new fit of rage against them and I take a deep breath to steady myself.

"Would you like to see a doctor now?"

"No, of course not," she says, "but maybe I should."

"I'll come with you."

The next morning, she calls me up at work. The doctor is willing to see her, at three in the afternoon, unless it could wait a few days. But since she's finally gathered the courage to make that call, she'd rather not wait, which is understandable.

That is why I'm knocking on Peter's door again, asking for an afternoon off. He probably won't make any problem, since he knows I make up for the lost practice on my treadmill at home, but I have to ask anyway.

"Hi, Jacob," he says as I enter, "how can I help you?"

"I like to have your permission to get a few hours off this afternoon."

He nods, but seems in thoughts, so I wait.

I think I know what is coming, so I'm not surprised when he finally says, "how is Bella?"

"She's alright."

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to tell him that she's in therapy, but on the other hand, he knows she had issues and he was worried about her depression, so it might put his mind at ease.

"She's in therapy and she's feeling better," I explain.

"That's good," Peter replies, with relief. But he's not finished.

Then comes the main question.

"You are together with her now, aren't you?"

"I, um…" I have no idea what to say, knowing how he felt about her and possibly still feels.

He helps me out, "it's okay, Jacob. It's been months, I got over it. I notice how cheerful you are these days, so I figured it must be that."

I smile and feel myself blushing. "Yeah, we're together."

"Good," he nods, "you're a good guy."

"Thank you."

"There's another thing I've been meaning to talk about."

"About Bella?"

"Yes. I arranged something for her internship. Our team doctor sent a clarification about an injury towards her college supervisors, letting them know she can't complete the internship at this moment. I haven't talked about this with her, because I know she'd refuse. But it's up to her when she wants to return. I had to pull some strings, but she can complete the internship whenever she feels better and then graduate as soon as it's done."

"That's… great, that's brilliant. Thank you."

"No thanks, she was good at her job and I guess mental issues can count as some kind of injury as well? Either way, she's welcome to come back at any moment. As for Jared, I am in the middle of negotiations for his transfer. I've talked to some other team members about him and apparently Bella wasn't the only one annoyed by him. I think it's better to take him out of the team, for everybody's sake. But the transfer isn't final yet, so don't tell anyone. I just wanted her to know that she won't run into him again."

I don't know what to say. I can't believe I hated this man for using her. In a way, he was, but he couldn't know about her past and I shouldn't have judged. We're all flawed.

But he must really care about her if he is still taking care of these issues without getting any credit in return.

"That is great news, Peter," I say at last. "You're a good guy as well, I'm sorry if I… you know."

"Don't worry about it," he says goodheartedly. "Now go on, go see your girl and take good care of her. Make her come back here soon, so she can be a part of this amazing season we're playing."

"I will," I say with a big grin, and nearly run out of his office towards my car.

AN: Things are moving forward for Bella and Jacob, I hope you are pleased about this! How do you think the doctor's visit will go?