Hi dear readers! Thanks to those of you who waited for this last chapter, it got delayed as life and sickness got in the way.
I just want to add that it isn't because I write about what happened between or how/when they knew it was love, that I necessarily believe that's how things were/are. There are so many possibilities and they are complicated characters, that's what make Suits so great! So many options when it comes to Harvey/Donna story!
If you read this fic please take a few seconds and leave a review, it would make my day! (-:
He practically pitched to let her hit each and every thumbtacks. He wanted this. Still, he felt his nervousness increasing with every hit. She missed one. But she got the next one.
"Yes!" she screamed hitting the fifth thumbtack. "So, are you ready?"
He nodded despite feeling his throat closing up and his palms getting sweaty.
"Let's get this over with," he heard himself say. "Shoot your first question."
"You love me how?" she asked without blinking.
"Donna…" he mouthed. She was starting with a good one. He wasn't expecting any less but still, he would never get used to this: opening up and talking feelings.
"I love you like…you are the most important person in my life. I can't imagine my life without you. When you quit I…lost it." He closed his eyes remembering the pain he felt that night. "It was like someone ripped off a part of me."
"You aren't answering the question," she said flatly. "Harvey. HOW?"
He pushed his hand in his hair and swallowed the lump forming in his throat. "Donna, you were right. I am capable of looking at you that way. I know it now that this…," He steadied his breath. "I know it now that, this thing I feel for you, how with you it always was different, it's because I am in love with you."
She smiled. "Good," she said quietly.
"Good?" he asked confused. "Donna, are you in love with…"
She raised her hand. "You aren't the one asking the questions, Harvey! Throw those thumbtacks."
He let his arms fell to his sides and sighed heavily. He had spent endless nights pondering the question: was she in love with him? He didn't really believe her 'love you like a brother' bullshit. Was it possible that she intentionally chose NOT to love him, putting them on 'pause' while he matured emotionally?
He felt like he owed her all the answers to. He did bail out the minute she wanted more and he hated himself for it. He picked a few thumbtacks from the little box on the coffee table.
He threw the first one. That she missed. Then the second that she missed too.
He examined her. She was biting her lips and her hands were shaking. "Donna," he said in a low voice. "We can stop if you want."
"No!" she cried in a broken voice. "We need to do this. This can't go on forever. I'm sick of it, Harvey!" She was now yelling. He saw tears rolling down her cheeks and it broke his heart. He was the jerk causing this, again. How many tears she had cried for him in all these years?
Harvey took a deep breath. "I'm really sick of it too, Donna. Just ask. We don't need…"
She shook her head and laughed through gritted teeth, interrupting him. "You are taking that tone again."
"What tone?" he asked not quite understanding what she meant.
"The same tone you took when we fought in the bathroom and I destroyed the…"
"I'm not mad at you right now!" he opposed quickly.
"I remember that tone. You were mad and then you took that tone and said 'see that's a good thing'. That tone, you only take it with me! How many times I thought you were going to hug me or…"
"…and I didn't! So I can't see what the problem is here!" he snapped.
She just stood there, looking at him through her tears, a defeated look on her face.
"Harvey, just throw me the goddamn thumbtacks," she said after a moment with a dismissive shrug.
He felt a pang in his chest, regretting he snapped at her. He also regretted all the times he knew she needed comfort, specifically telling him or implying it, and that he refused by ignoring what was there, between them.
He threw the thumbtacks one by one, his heart missing a beat with each one she missed. He was nervous to know what her next question would be. When she hit her fifth, he genuinely wondered if he was going to have a panic attack, feeling his throat closing and hearing the loud thumping of his own heartbeat.
She looked thoughtful for a moment and finally spoke.
"About the other time, you knew I had that rule. So you knew by asking me to work for you I would have to…" She looked at him anxiously and he knew this was going to be a hard question. She sighed and continued. "Harvey, you knew I had this rule and you still asked me to work for you. You knew whatever was going on between us at the time would…stop. Why?"
For a few seconds he was confused and didn't know what to say. He took one step closer. Just one. She was still far enough and he had no intention of screwing all this by trying anything physical. She still needed reassurance, explanations.
"You had a rule, Donna. I've already told you that you are the most important person in my life so of course, I respected that damn rule of yours."
She unceremoniously whipped the tears falling off her nose with the back of her hand and snorted. "As I expected you didn't answer my question. Let me just say I think this rule was very convenient for you."
"It was. But I should have…" he countered
"But you know," she added, ignoring him, "in a way I needed it. Because I needed you to be strong. That's what I needed." She closed her eyes and exhaled. "After what happened with my family the thing I needed the most was security. And you gave it to me. It worked…" Her lips were quivering. "For a while…" she whispered.
He stayed silent. He always knew in the back of his mind that was one of the reasons why she stayed all these years. She needed security, and that's what he gave her. After all, he couldn't have done it, reach the top, without her. From the minute they met, they always needed each other, in some twisted way. Two insecure people, being each other's rock.
That's why he hired her, that's why he paid her salary and kept increasing it out of his own pockets. He was too much of a mess to give her both love AND security so he provided her with the second as much he could. Caring and opening up to Donna would have made him vulnerable and that wasn't what she needed at the time. They were always on the same page on this: they both needed to have someone by their side every step of the way.
That was until she needed more and he bailed out. He knew it was a mistake now, that they could have had everything.
"Donna," he started at last. "That time we slept together, I already knew you were different. Maybe I even knew it when we met in that bar. I couldn't quite figure out what it was but I knew I cared about you and that you were amazing so I begged Jessica for you to come to the firm with me. The scariest thing that could happen to me is not having you in my life. It was at the time, it still is. And clearly I was in no way ready for a relationship with someone like you. Trying would have meant I could have lost you and that was something I wasn't willing to risk. So yes. You're right: that rule was convenient for me. But I needed you. I still do."
"For someone who spent his whole life taking risks at work, you don't take many risks in your personal life," she retorted, giving him a long look.
"You can't blame me for not risking the single best thing that has ever happened to me in my whole life. But I know by not risking anything I missed…" He took a deep breath. "I missed out on…life."
"Well, I made that rule to protect myself from you," she said after a pause. "I think we both denied what was always there. It was there, we just chose not to act on it…"
"…but it didn't mean it wasn't there. And still is." He looked at her seriously. "Donna, I avoided or ignored what was there because I was scared it would make me weak and I wouldn't be able to protect you. Your family let you down. I didn't want to let you down."
Outwardly, he seemed quite calm, but inside his stomach was turning and his heart was beating hard. Their eyes met. She was still crying. "Donna," he muttered carefully, his heart pounding. "Am I too late?"
"Too late for what?" she retorted weakly.
He knew she asked only because she needed to hear it.
"Us." He said gesturing between them with his hand.
She didn't answer but shook her head after moment, looking at him expectantly, sighing.
That's when he realized she was waiting for him to take a risk.
He placed the little box of thumbtacks on the table. He then walked slowly towards her, his gaze not leaving her eyes in case she'd revoke her unspoken permission. Only one step away from her, nearly touching her, he saw her ribcage raising and falling from the deep breath she took, visibly nervous. Taking his last step to reach her, he stepped on a thumbtack on the floor and screamed right away. He jumped on one foot.
"Fuck!" he whined. "We really have to stop playing with thumbtacks!" He bent down to remove the offending little piece of sharp metal from under his foot. He set his foot back on the floor, staining the light colored carpet with his blood.
He raised his eyes and saw she had gotten closer to him, her hand was on his arm. "Someone owes me a new carpet," she grimaced in mocked disdain. He didn't move, scared she would retreat back making him miss his touch. Her hand slowly skimmed over his bicep, trailing to his neck and her eyes fixed his lips. She leaned forward and kissed him. He reached for her waist and pulled her body flushed against him. Her hands slowly traveled up his neck to the back of his head, as her mouth opened, silently begging for more. Kissing her breathless, making up for all those lost years, he slid his hands behind her neck pulling her even closer.
She brought her hands between them, underneath his t-shirt, running them on the muscles of torso. He responded by slipping his hands under the elastic of her black leggings, kneading the soft skin of her hips as she arched her body against him. She tried to tug his t-shirt up but couldn't, so he broke the kiss and detached himself from her for a few seconds, removing his t-shirt, panting. He stood there watching her as she hurriedly undressed, letting her clothes drop on the floor. She was wearing beautiful lingerie and she was just as perfect as he remembered, dusting of freckles on creamy and smooth skin. He swallowed and took in all her beauty. He internally gasped at the fact that this stupid blonde at the bar the other night couldn't even make him hard by grinding her naked body on him, while the woman standing in front of him wasn't completely naked yet but was making him feel like lava was running through his veins.
She was the one who reached first, her hands gripping at his shoulders as she pressed her lips on his and hummed in his mouth. He felt her body pressed firmly against him, only clad in lacy underwear, and the mere thought of what would come next was enough to make him moaned in her mouth. Their breaths quickened between kisses, hands caressing, pulling as they shuffled from the living room to the bedroom, where he pushed her against the wall, his hand cupping her breast across the fine lace, thumb brushing her nipple, making it harden.
He angled his head and deepened the kiss, his tongue craving her taste. She was exactly as he remembered, warm and comforting, like finding home in one person. She had pushed his pants down and he hadn't even notice, too busy imprinting this kiss in his mind. When he felt her hand closing tightly on his erection he dug his fingers in her waist, probably leaving moon-shaped marks on her delicate skin. He was losing control.
He needed air, his mouth left hers and he breathed hard, his forehead resting against hers as she stroked him up and down, finger caressing the tip. She pressed her mouth against his lips again and again, and again, making him dizzy. The combination of her tongue dancing around his and her hand moving on his erection made it impossible for him to wait any longer. He grabbed her wrist so she would stop her ministration and he gently directed her to the bed, both panting and trying to catch their breaths between kisses. He splayed his hands on the small of her back and set her down on the edge of her bed, standing between her legs. His fingers caught a strand of her hair that had fallen on her face and he gently pushed it behind her ear. She traced the hard outline of his jaw with her fingertips and gently caressed his cheekbones, his eyebrows, his moles, leaving a trail of comfort everywhere she touched him. It was like she was finally allowing herself to love him fully.
She was beautiful and perfect in every way. He was done not saying what was on his mind. "I love you," he admitted quietly. "Everything about you is amazing. Since the moment we've met, you never ceased to amaze me Donna."
"I love you too Harvey," she said very seriously. "But please we've waited long enough..."
He kissed her as she sank into the mattress. Lowering on top of her, he took both of her hands in his and he stretched them over her head, his eyes not leaving hers. She had a smile on her lips and he felt overwhelmed.
"Just so you know, this isn't a one-time thing," he whispered. "I intend to catch up on everything I've missed in the past twelve years…"
She looked at him with aroused eyes and firmed her hold on his hands against the pillow. "Better start now then," she urged him.
He settled between her tights and entered her in one deep thrust.
She captured his mouth with her own, hot and demanding, as she rocked her body in a slow rhythm, showing him that she needed him as much as he needed her. Her hands smoothed his back, sending shivers down his spine as he drowned in her warmth. He wished this moment could last forever, her meeting each and every thrust, her legs wrapped around his waist, clinging to him like she would never let go. But all those years of concealed feelings that had simmered between them were colliding into one moment.
He fisted her hair and tried to kiss her, but her mouth was opened, moaning with pleasure as he left wet kisses on the corner of her mouth and on her chin. His whole body was burning up with scorching need. He knew he could last a few minutes more if he'd slow his pace, if he'd shut his eyes so he wouldn't see her. But like in those vivid dreams he had more than once, he didn't want to miss a single thing: her sweetly parted lips, her flushed cheeks, and the way she looked at him. Everything about her took his breath away, but also made him want more and try to be even closer, making up for all these years of need and yearning. He held her closer to his chest just because he longed to feel her heart beating against him. He wrapped his arms around her, thrusting deeper, each moan coming out of her mouth encouraging him until spasms pulsed through his groin, stealing all the air from his lungs. His whole body tensed and contracted as he lost himself inside her, her walls clenching around his erection. He collapsed on her, breathing hard in her neck as she stroke his hair.
"Marry me," he said panting.
She chuckled under him. "You want unlimited access to my body for the rest of your life, don't you?" Her voice was shaking, out of breath.
He raised his face off her shoulder and looked at her. "No. I'm in love with you and I want unlimited access to all of you."
"You really have to stop proposing to me Harvey," she mocked him, rolling her eyes. "You've been doing it for the past twelve years, you know one day I might accept!"
"Good. That's what I'm aiming for." He left a kiss on her forehead and rolled on his back.
"And what if that's not what I'm looking for? What if I was only looking for sex?" she teased him, her thumb tracing small circles on his cheek.
He wanted to reply something witty but he got lost in the moment and closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of her fingers on his face. "I've waited too long," he admitted his voice barely above a whisper. "We could have had so many moments like 'now'. I'm sorry you had to quit for me to see it."
He turned on his side and wrapped his arm around her. Soon enough, her breathing grew even and shallow.
He recalled all these other nights with these other women, these women he tried filling the void in his heart with, these women who weren't her.
Usually, the moment a woman fell asleep was his cue to ease his arm from under her. It was the moment when he would roll over to his side of the bed, ignoring a sinking feeling inside him caused by a flash of red hair in his mind.
"Well, finally we have now," he murmured cuddling closer.