Rocket Man Chapter XVII

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We are almost at the end of this story. One more chapter to come and it's almost finished.

As always thanks to the fabulous BBB's for commiting so much time into this.

Disclaimers:

They are not mine. I'm not keeping them, just borrowing, although I wouldn't mind to keep Castle. ;-)

Castle stared at her, not understanding what she was sorry for, but reaching out for her anyway, which only made her retreat further.

"Kate?"

"I – We shouldn't have," she stammered, looking everywhere but at him.

"Why?" he asked. Comprehension dawned suddenly, "I pushed too far." Shaking his head he sighed, "I'm sorry."

"No, no Castle. It's not your fault." She shrunk against the wall, hands running through her hair fiercely. "We need to talk."

"O-Kay?" His response was wary as he wished desperately for a clue, any idea really what this was about. From the look on her face, he could tell it was serious. He really shouldn't have kissed her.

Kate was drawn between staying against the wall and sitting down next to him on the bed. She wanted to be near him, but was scared she wouldn't be able to do this if she got too close. And she needed to do it, even if it was the worst possible time, so she kept her distance.

"What exactly do you remember?"

"Kate," his eyes were pleading, he didn't want to go through it again, dreaming about it had been hard enough. "I can't."

She knew exactly how he felt, she didn't want to go through it again either, but there was no other way, "Please, it's important," her voice matched his. "Rick?"

He sighed, and taking a deep breath, he surrendered, "We were at the cemetery." Pausing, he tried to recall why. His mind was still clouded but then something broke through, washing over him and pulling him off his feet, "Montgomery."

She swallowed, closing her eyes against the tears which threatened to fall, "Yes, Montgomery. You pulled me out of the hangar."

Castle nodded, remembering even though he wasn't sure he wanted to. "You were giving your speech, when … ," his voice broke, he couldn't say it, instead looked at her and it took everything she had not to close the distance between them.

"You tried to get to me," her voice was gentle. "Do you remember that? You tried to save me."

"I was too late, wasn't fast enough," his voice a whisper and eyes shut, he let his head fall and that was her undoing. Pushing herself off the wall, she kneeled in front of him, her hands cupping his cheeks.

"Look at me, Rick." She waited until he did, until he could see the truth in her eyes, "It's not your fault. Do you hear me? It's not your fault."

"I should have moved earlier, I should have seen it coming." He shook his head, but her hands stayed put, not letting him get away. "I was too late."

A tear slipped down her face, his eyes following its path, stilling his movements, "You weren't too late. You were there in time to tell me something." Kate whispered, hoping he remembered that part too.

His eyes widened. He remembered, and suddenly it all made sense. His feelings for her, the bond they shared, the one he'd felt so strongly, since he'd woken up after his accident, "I love you," he breathed out, "I told you, I love you."

Kate smiled at him, happy he remembered but there was something else shining in those gorgeous eyes of hers, was that sadness?

Then there was a new picture in his head. Her in a hospital room, pale and tired but alive and he relived the turmoil of his heart, the way it nearly exploded when he had seen her breathing, still with him after he thought he had lost her forever. Still there was something else, another feeling mixing with the hope and joy. The complete sense of despair as he realised; She didn't remember.

His eyes met hers again and he shook off her hands, which were still cradling his face, as he moved away from her, "You've always remembered, haven't you? You said you didn't but you did. All this time."

"Yes, I did." She nodded, her eyes suddenly fixed on the floor.

"I …," Castle shook his head again. "I think I need to be alone right now."

"Castle, please let me explain," she moved after him, but he held out his arm to keep his distance.

"No, not now. I need to -," he looked at her. "I will call you." The words strangely familiar. "Please tell Alexis and mother I fell asleep. I don't want to see them right now. Not like this."

"Rick, please," she pleaded with him, needing to make him understand, especially when he still didn't remember everything.

He pushed himself off the bed and took a few steps away from her, "I can't do this right now. It's just too much. Please go."

Defeated Kate's shoulders fell, it was no use and so she walked to the door, turning around once more, "Castle, I'm sorry."

He nodded, not looking at her. "I'll call you. Thanks for coming." He sounded like a stranger.

"Okay," she slipped out through the door, trying to keep herself together. She had to, at least until she was out of the loft as she didn't want to upset Martha and Alexis, even though every fibre of her being wanted to scream at him that he had done the same thing, he had kept something from her, too. But she couldn't and maybe it wasn't the same, she wasn't sure anymore, so she put on her poker face and walked into the living room.

His eyes were fixed on the ceiling, his mind spinning. Alexis had popped her head through the door ten minutes ago, but he had pretended to be asleep. At first it had been raindrops, one small memory after another but now he was standing in the pouring rain, it was all coming back, rushing over him like a Tsunami.

The months apart from her, her return and their talk on the swings, her promise of a someday for them, at least that was what he had hoped she meant when she spoke of the relationship she wanted to have. He still hoped it was what she meant. God, how he hoped it was what she meant. He should have let her explain. There could be a million reasons why she had lied to him. She hadn't been ready back then, had told him as much. Maybe … . Maybe she was ready now? Maybe the wall was gone? Hope swelled inside him, all the while he realised it shouldn't. She had said she needed to solve her mother's case before it could happen, before she could think about letting him in.

And then he remembered his secret. His murder board and that he had to keep her away from her mother's case. He had to keep her safe and alive. He grunted, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. Why was this such a big mess? And he realised she wasn't ready. She couldn't be. Maybe she never would be, because there was the chance they would never solve it, that the wall would never come down. And he didn't know if he could take it. For the first time he wasn't sure if he could wait forever, even though he wanted to. It might just be too painful to only watch from the sidelines, while never being with her, truly with her.

Kate hadn't slept all night, she'd just cried and then gone into work at an unholy hour just to keep her mind from spinning, but it was no use. Whatever she tried her thoughts went back to him. He would call, but when? She didn't want him to mull over things on his own, just to come to wrong conclusions because he didn't have all the information he needed to understand. She should just go back to the loft and she was so tempted to do just that. But he had given her space and time when she'd demanded it, so she needed to do the same for him now, no matter how hard it thought struck her again just how it must have been for him over the summer. He had sent her away only a couple of hours ago and she was already spinning out of control, while he had lived through this for three months. It was a miracle he was still here, still willing to come back every day and to wait.

"Yo Beckett," Esposito brought her back to reality and she lifted her head to greet the other Detective. "Jeez, Beckett, if you're still ill why didn't you stay home?"

"Yeah, you look like you have been run over by a truck," Ryan stated, while moving closer to her desk.

"Thanks guys, how sweet," she was too tired to glare at them, "I just didn't get much sleep last night."

"Obviously," Ryan replied, which owned him a jab of Esposito's elbow, before he was pushed away from Beckett's desk.

"We'll be over there, if you need us," Esposito called over his shoulder, while rushing Ryan away from her.

A small smile played around her lips, watching them retreat. Leave it to her boys to make her feel a tiny bit better.

He hadn't come out of his room all morning and Martha was starting to worry. She was just glad Alexis was at school and wouldn't have to worry about his behavior, at least not yet. She had decided to give him time, but when he still hadn't come out around noon, it was enough. Time to attack.

He turned his head at the soft knock on the door and sighed, he didn't want to see anyone. He didn't want to talk, didn't want to explain, but his mother had other plans and was already sticking her head through the door.

"Richard, are you planning on coming out of here anytime soon?" She asked, walking into his bedroom.

"Leave me alone," he muttered, turning away from her again.

"Richard, what is going on?" She asked, her tone demanding.

"Nothing, I'm fine," he scoffed.

"That I can see," she replied, crossing the room to sit down next to him on the bed. Her hand coming to rest on his, she raised a questioning brow, "So?"

Sighing, he stared at their hands, "She lied."

"About what?" Martha asked puzzled.

"Her shooting," he elaborated, "She always remembered what I told her."

"Have you asked her why she didn't tell you?"

Castle shook his head, "I didn't let her explain."

Martha studied him, considering her options, "So she knows how you feel about her?"

He just nods.

"And what are you planning to do now?"

He shrugged, "Don't know, not much I can do. I mean either she doesn't feel the same way or she isn't ready."

"Richard, I think you know her better than to think she doesn't feel the same way." Castle could tell his mother was not pleased with him and his current state of self-pity.

"Do I?" He asked defiant.

"Now you are acting like a five-year old," Martha stated, shaking her head.

"I don't care," her son pouted, turning away from her.

"Uh-huh," she grinned at him. "Sure."

They were silent for awhile, until he met her eyes again, obviously coming to the decision it was no use to hold it all back, "What if she will never be ready? What if we never solve it?"

Her heart broke for her boy, for what this was doing to him. She had seen him with many women over the years, some she'd liked, some she'd tolerated, some she couldn't stand, most of them she had just ignored. But Kate was someone she truly adored, someone she could love like a daughter, because she was the first who truly saw him. The first one who saw her boy for the man he really was.

"Who says you have to?" Martha asked, earning a confused look.

"You know what she told me, when she came back," he didn't understand where she was going with this.

"And who says it still has to be this way?"

"I -," he stopped, breathed in and out, "I don't know."

"Well maybe you would, if you hadn't kicked her out," Martha suggested.

"Why do I have the feeling you know more than you're telling me?" He suddenly asked, remembering his mother's strange behavior the day before.

"I have no idea what you are talking about," she tried for innocence.

"Mother?" His voice was stern, demanding.

She huffed, "I obviously need to work on my acting."

"If there is something you know, you need to tell me," he sat up, moving closer to her, his eyes intense on hers.

"You remember your murder board?" She asked and saw him wince. Oh he remembered alright.

"She found it," Martha stated bluntly, watching him.

"Shit, no! No!" His hand ran through his hair, "How did she?"

"By accident."

"When?"

"The day before yesterday," Martha answered and he understood. That's why she hadn't come to see him.

"But she was here last night," he suddenly stated as if it was the 8th Wonder of the World.

"She was. She came rushing over here the minute Alexis called her."

"I don't understand, she wasn't mad?" Now he truly looked lost and the expression on his face was almost funny.

"Oh she was mad, but for a different reason than you think."

"Mother!"

Martha couldn't help but chuckle at the bewildered look in his eyes.

"This is not funny!" He grunted.

"For two adults you two sure have a lousy way to communicate," She chuckled again, but held up her hands in surrender, when Castle continued to glare at her, "Alright, alright. She wants you to stop."

His eyes grew wide in panic, "What? No! That would be like giving up on us. I can't do that."

Martha rolled her eyes, sometimes he sure was dense. But when she spoke her voice was soft, "Richard, she said you're more important to her than her mother's case."

He was stunned, his mouth opening and closing, but no words coming out.

"She did," Martha confirmed what she just said, seeing her son's inner struggled displayed in his eyes.

He took in a staggering breath, "She did?"

Martha's hand came up to caress his cheek, "You need to talk to her. You can't keep living in this limbus. Either of you."

Kate had left the precinct early, closing the door behind her as she crawled back into her bed. He would call her. She just needed to give him time. Ryan and Esposito had sensed that something was wrong, but were smart enough not to ask, not even when she hurried out of the precinct in the middle of the day. And now she was again staring at the ceiling, definitely her new hobby, for the past two hours. She hated that he made her feel this way and yet she knew she deserved the punishment.

She had started to doze off when she was startled by a knock on her front door. Contemplaiting just ignoring whoever it was trying to disturb her pathetic ceiling staring, but quickly changing her mind when she heard his voice.

"Kate, open up!" he hammered against her door again and she was out of bed and at her front door in seconds, wrenching it open.

"Castle," she was breathless as she watched him storm past her, into the living room, before turning around and facing her.

"Is it true?" He asked and saw the confusion in her eyes. "Your mother's case," he started and yet was too coward to ask the most important question, instead going for the easier, the safer one, "Do you really want me to stop?"

Her eyes, found his and she nodded slowly, "Yes."

She saw no relief in his eyes and wondered why. This should make him happy, right? "Castle?"

"Will you?" His voice was shaking, "Will you stop?"