A/n. Wow, the longest chapter yet. And it just seemed to flow out of my mind. What a relief. I loved writing this one! Thank you dearest Troy for master editing and those connectors there! And Trinx for support and opinions. Enjoy!

Disclaimer. They are all mine! …. not.

Red
Chapter 7

Warm palms pressing together. Thick manly fingers holding smaller, more delicate ones tightly, but with gentleness seeping through. They stood facing each other. A silent question of what next simmering in their eyes. Moments like these, when you know that everything will be put on the table, all cards revealed, hearts unlocked and bared for all to see … They tend to be both nervous and exciting. The butterflies in the stomach, the anticipation.

They both knew that this was the moment of truth, there was no going back now. No place where to hide, bury secrets deeper. The shadowy office of the writer. Nighttime New York. Two people who had finally admitted their mutual love now needed to clear the air, dot all the I's, strike all the T's, remove all the obstacles that kept them from diving in at the deep end of the pool and never getting out.

The dark, soft leather of the couch was calling their names. They moved towards it in unison and sank down, their bodies moulding into the cushions. They sat close. Close enough to feel the heat between them, the electricity surging, feel each others bodies move with each inhale and exhale. Their hands remained clasped together, neither unwilling to let go even for a moment. Somehow Rick and Kate had decided that no matter what their hands shall stay linked throughout what was yet to come.

It was time for confessions.

–

Kate tilted her head to the side, a sigh escaped her lips. She cast a glance at their linked hands. Her eyes lingered there for a moment and then rose to look in the deep blue orbs of the man sitting next to her. Her smile was hesitant, just a lift of the corners of her mouth. She squeezed his fingers and with courage she never knew she had when it came to the matters of the heart parted her lips and breathed out:

"I'm sorry Rick. I feel like I need to say this again. How sorry I am for hurting you. It never really was my intention. I've never been good at this, this stuff, the personal things. I don't think even before my mom's death I was ever an open book, what happened just fuelled my insecurities and I just locked myself behind these walls. I hate them, you have no idea how much. They have always been so debilitating. But I haven't been able to deal with the issues that have been plaguing me for as long as I remember. Not even a clue how to fix myself, but I suppose I never really wanted to hard enough."

A slight chill passed through her body. Kate gripped his fingers tighter in preparation of what was yet to come.

"'Til the shooting. 'Til your words. If it wasn't for those words, I don't think I would be sitting here tonight. I would have given up, it would have been an easy way out. But at that moment, through all the pain, the fear, the haze that was rapidly taking over my whole body, your words were louder than the blast of the rifle. And the look in your eyes, oh god, your eyes that have always been so full of life, they seemed to be dying with me. Even as the blackness took over me, I knew I had to fight to come back and make your eyes live again."

Castle sat there unmoving, barely breathing, the memories of that day were etched into his brain, never to be forgotten. At that moment he thanked all and every god and Kate herself that she had held on and came back to him. He clasped her hand relishing in the warmth of her skin. He knew he should not interrupt her confession, so he just held her gaze and listened. And tried to hold in the hitch in his breath and the tears that were brimming in his eyes.

"When I woke up … I don't think I will ever forget that first conscious breath of air that I took," she breathed in, reliving the sensation. "The pain with it was unbearable, the weight on my chest felt like a thousand ton building was squeezing the life out of me. But somehow I had never felt so alive. I dunno, realising that I had survived? Perhaps. But knowing that you loved me? I have no words to describe how that felt. For a few seconds I believed that everything was finally at a turning point for the better.

"Then reality came crashing down. Montgomery. Funeral. Sniper. Conspiracy. Josh. My fucked up self. All my issues just overtook my mind. I knew at that point in time that I could not face you before I had fixed whatever was broken in my life. All of it. So many reasons, and most of them foolish and selfish made me push you away. At the same time I wanted to protect you … from seeing me broken, in pain, from Josh, from my mother's case. I told you to leave me alone so I could figure out how to make myself good enough for you.

"As soon as you left the hospital room, I thanked Josh for operating on me and told him that we were done. I had known for a while that relationship was not going anywhere, my heart belonged to someone else, had for quite a while, but be it circumstance, bad luck, cowardice, I just hadn't ended it.

"When that was out of the way I decided to concentrate on the physical recovery my body needed. It was so tough, Rick. My dad, he is a hero. He took it so well, my mood swings, my anger, my loneliness. I know I definitely drove him up the wall so many times during my stay at the cabin. I did the physio and the mandatory psych evaluation. Those months, they dragged for so long, despite that I couldn't yet face the reality of the real world."

Kate paused there. She felt emotionally drained, recalling the events that took all those months ago. And even though it was not the easiest thing to do – the honesty, the openness – with each word that spilled out her body, her mind and heart lightened.

"Coming back was difficult. The cabin was like a lonely island, lonely, but safe, no interruptions, no contact, no facing the truths out there. I don't know if coming back at that time was the right decision, I probably was not hundred percent ready both physically and emotionally, but I somehow knew that I couldn't stay away any longer. I needed to face the world, myself, my friends and colleagues and most importantly you.

"The dead end with the case, the new Captain, her not giving me my gun back, and the absence of you in the precinct were big blows. It was tough. I knew I needed to really invest in fixing all the the broken things. Our talk on the swings? Thanks for that, Rick. For staying and listening, I know now how hard it must have been for you, after me abandoning you for the summer. Those first few days back showed me that I couldn't overcome my issues alone, than I needed help, but I also knew that I couldn't turn to you for help just yet. So I went back to the shrink that did the psych eval after the shooting. I have been going there ever since."

Castle's eyes widened at that. A shrink? He did not see that one coming at all. He couldn't imagine the fiercely in independent Kate Beckett seeking out help voluntary. That revelation floored him. He finally started to see how much she really was ready do to make this work. It amazed him. He squeezed her fingers silently urging her to continue.

"Dr Burke. It hasn't been plain sailing, believe me. But somehow he just knows how to push me, how to ask the right questions that I wouldn't dare ask myself. Each session has been an eye opener. I have ranted and cried in that office, and finally faced myself. One step at a time, and yeah, sometimes two steps back as well. I'm definitely complicated. The PTSD, a lot of steps in the wrong direction there. That one was a difficult one to swallow, because it seemed so permanent. When the panic pulled me under, like during that sniper case, every little detail just amplifies. I almost cracked under the pressure. I told the doc to go to hell and got so drunk I cut my arm on shreds of glass, gripping my gun like a lunatic, every sound and flash of light making me jump out of my skin."

She closed her eyes tightly, regretful. Then just as suddenly snapped them open knowing that she couldn't stop now.

"All the progress I'd made up to that point just flew out of the window. I know you could see me struggling, and the space you gave me, the silent support, and Javi, did you know he forced me to hold the rifle that shot me? I wanted to kill him, but I needed that, it pulled me out of a very deep hole. The PTSD is not gone, far from it. There are days that are worse than others, but so many are brighter and better.

"It has been hard work, Rick, analysing my feelings and seeing my faults, facing my fears and insecurities. It has been worth it though, and I have to thank you for that, because you are the one who pushed me, encouraged me, loved me. I am doing this for you, but now I know that most importantly I am doing this for ME and for US.

"That's why these last few weeks have been hell for me. The change in you. It was so sudden and I had no idea where all of it was coming from. It hurt, Rick, so bad. The coldness, the distance, the indifference, the bimbos … I just … It was killing me slowly, because I had lost you and had no clue why. I thought you were waiting for me.

"I guess I took you for granted. I have been focusing too much on my own solitary progress that I have forgotten that you are in this relationship as well. The unspoken one that has been sizzling between us for years. I left you behind and didn't really give you much to go on, did I? Looking back, maybe I should have done things differently, but these are the choices I made, and here we are now. And despite all the anger and hurt that has been ripping me apart, I'm incapable of stopping loving you. That is just not an option anymore. You are my one and done, and there never will be anyone else taking that spot. I want you. I love you, Richard Castle."

With that Kate was done. She took a deep, shuddering breath and locked her eyes with Rick's. The amount of emotions swirling in there was astounding. Shock and disbelief mixed with acceptance and relief. And most importantly she could finally see love in those blue orbs.

Who's next ...

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