Chapter 30: Saving

It's been four days now, but hey, who's counting?

I smile to myself and hide my face from the passenger next to me in the bus.

I am counting. I feel like my life has taken a brand new turn ever since "it" happened. I guess I finally understand what virgins go through and how they feel after their first time.

I definitely consider Jacob my first, the way he should have been all those years ago.

And I know now that I have been right in making this a big deal. Jake tried to tell me time and time again, that it didn't matter all that much. And I actually believe him, from his point of view. He would have been able to stick to the other stuff, if going any further remained impossible for me. He meant every word he said.

But that doesn't mean it can't be a big deal for me.

I couldn't help feeling inadequate, no matter what he said. There was always this one thing I wouldn't share with him, this one step that made me inferior to other girls who cared far less about their lovers. It wasn't fair.

So when it finally happened, I was beyond euphoria. And I'm not even thinking about the physical aspect, although that had been surprisingly satisfying.

For the first time in our relationship, I felt complete. I felt like an equal partner to him. Knowing that being with me won't require any sacrifices on his part fills me with so much relief. I am so proud of me.

And Jacob, my god, Jacob was so amazing. I've never seen him give in like that before.

Before, he had been so busy handling me with care, that he got used to holding back. But last week, he didn't hold back at all, and the whole experience was so hypnotizing and empowering. The way he lost himself completely in our passion…

Just remembering it makes me blush.

With a shy smile, I turn my face towards the window, pretending to look outside. I'm sure that anybody looking at me right now will think I'm bonkers, grinning to myself like that, but I can't help it. I'm more in love than I've ever been, and I can't wait to try that again.

So far, we haven't.

That night, I was very impatient to go to bed, and maybe have a repeat performance, a slow and tender one this time. If only to ease Jacob's guilt.

But instead, his guilt grew more, when he noticed how sore I was. The kitchen table isn't a very comfortable place, so the muscles in my lower back and thighs had been a bit strained. I also had some slight burns on my hips and between my legs. Apparently wild and rough sex works better without clothes, or at least without panties being shoved to the side.

I didn't mind, but of course Jacob did. As if that wasn't enough, he looked horrified when he noticed my bruised neck wearing fifty shades of purple.

I had wanted to give it a try nonetheless, but he convinced me that biting through the pain is a bad approach for women with my condition. He had read about it and it could take us right back where we started. We can't rush things now we've come so far.

I knew he was right, Tom had warned me about this.

I gave in, a little too reluctantly, so Jake made me swear to always be honest about any kind of discomfort I was feeling whenever we were to try something again.

I agreed, and we cuddled. He massaged my muscles, put ointment on my bruised neck, and whispered to me how amazing it had felt.

A day later, the soreness was gone, but it had been Friday, and my superstitious Jacob doesn't believe in sex before game-day, so I was a good girl, and we slept with our PJ's on.

Yesterday was game-day and after the big celebration, we were both too tired to try anything.

But tonight, nothing is stopping us. And I can't help but daydream about it every chance I get.

So much even that I almost miss the bus stop, and I quickly jump up with flushed cheeks.

"What are you grinning about?" Jacob asks, when I enter the apartment.

"Nothing," I lie, but the look he gives me tells me that he knows just what I've been thinking about.

He gets off the treadmill and walks over to me to pull me into a sweaty hug. I don't mind the sweat though.

Without hesitation, I wrap my arms around him and pull his head down for a warm and welcoming kiss.

Before we can get worked up though, I snicker and say "hold that thought, I've brought something."

"It can wait," he mutters.

"No, it's Chinese food, and I don't want to make a habit of letting my dinner go cold."

Jake chuckles and pulls back, "it would be worth it."

I agree, making out passionately while forgetting everything else had so been worth it, but tonight I want to make love to him slowly, in our bed, without clothes, and I know for a fact that he wants the same.

So we sit down to eat the food, and talk about less heated subjects, like the weather or the news.

After cleaning up, Jake takes a shower, and I switch on my laptop.

It has become a daily ritual, to check my emails and spend some time to reply.

I wouldn't go as far to say Edward is my little project, my try at saving a hopeless case, but somehow, I know that Jake is right. I do aim to make a difference. I do dream sometimes of putting all this behind me, and when I finally can, I would love to have a brother to get along with.

He's the only family I've got left, and somehow it makes me feel less… rootless.

When I open his mail, I smile when I notice that it's a long one. Somehow I enjoy being his diary.

Hey Bella,

How are things going there?

Congratulate Jacob from me. I saw the game on TV and he was great. You should be very proud.

Something big happened here.

So I went to the volunteering center today, and it was fine.

They were glad to see me back, but of course I lied about my absence. I don't think they need to know I've been AWOL because I've been too depressed to be around depressed teenagers. Instead I told them I've been traveling. Which is a complete lie because I can't seem to leave this damned town.

And then I ran into my ex-wife. It shouldn't have been a surprise, since the shelter is where I first met her, but I was very much surprised anyway.

It seems like lately I'm making a habit out of running into people.

So instead of avoiding her, the way I have done these past years, I kind of used the same approach as with you. I asked her to talk because I had a lot of things to apologize for.

She was very eager, because she's been trying to talk to me for ages. It used to bug me how she refused to completely give up on me, but it sure helped now.

I guess there's something else I should tell you about her. About me as well. Something I've been trying to ignore for a long time, but if I'm about to tell you about the conversation we had, I have to be honest about it.

Me and her, we have a kid together.

I'm a father and you're an aunt. Weird, right?

His name is David and he's six. I haven't seen him in four years.

And that is completely my fault. Well, after I got more fucked up than I have been the last decade, my wife made sure I didn't get to see him anymore either. Perhaps I should explain a bit more about why we divorced in the first place, because somehow it was related to David.

My wife had known about my "issues" before we got married, and before we got the baby. But I guess she somehow believed that it wasn't that bad. Or maybe she thought she'd make it better. Women tend to be drawn to messed up men. Some women at least.

When my issues ended up revealing themselves in some disturbing behavior, like an alcohol addiction, aggressive episodes, severe nightmares and even a few bad suicide attempts, she convinced me to go in to counseling.

She made it her top priority to "heal" me, even after knowing everything I've done. I thought it highly impossible for someone to love a monster like me, so I owed her to get better.

I tried my hardest, I really did. I tried to adopt her conviction that the past is the past and I'm a new person now, but I couldn't erase the memories, could I?

So in the end, I didn't heal at all, I just pretended to feel better. Started hiding my booze and kept from any more suicide attempts for her, because I owed her.

Since I was doing so well, she thought it was a good idea to get married and have a baby, it had been her greatest dream. I had doubts, of course. I could never see myself as a father. I still can't.

But she would be an amazing mother. She IS an amazing mother. So I agreed. After all, I owed her, right?

She had an extremely happy pregnancy, and I was doing better than ever. My chance to a normal life...

But as soon as the baby got there, things got worse with me. I didn't know how to be a father, I didn't know how to handle the responsibility and certainly didn't know how to show any kind of affection towards the kid. After all the horrible things I've done, I simply didn't trust myself. My wife was so disappointed in me. She blamed me for not loving him, for referring to him as "the kid" instead of David, for never cuddling him.

How could I cuddle him? I couldn't even touch him.

Things got really bad after that and somehow I ended up in the hospital after another failed attempt.

I finally managed to tell her about the reason behind my hesitation and she understood. She would, wouldn't she? She always does.

She tried to convince me I'm not a monster anymore, tried to assure me that I wouldn't hurt the kid. She trusted me.

But why wouldn't I hurt him? Because I loved him? Some monsters can hurt the people they love. So I wasn't too sure.

And in the next year, my hesitation and the way I used to be guarded around him made her… anxious. She wasn't so sure anymore either. She watched me from the corner of her eyes. Whenever I got angry, she'd carefully stand in between me and the kid.

I noticed. The one person on earth who trusted me now believed that I would harm her kid. And why wouldn't she? After all, I believed I could harm him as well.

So we divorced.

It hadn't been as simple as that. She wanted David to still have his father. Because even though I lacked every enthusiasm in showing him any kind of affection, the kid loved me and adored me all the same. Sounds familiar doesn't it?

History repeating, my biggest nightmare.

But she wouldn't let me alone with him. In the end, I convinced her he was better off without me. And after the divorce was final, I never talked to her again.

Not until today that is.

I'm sorry about this mail, it's getting a bit longer than I intended to, but I can't really talk about today without informing you of our history.

So there she was. Talking about David, going to school and being very popular. She seemed happy as well. She hasn't remarried, the kid is most important now. I guess being a mother was always a priority to her, and I'm glad I was able to give her that.

If my life goes to waste completely, and if I end up harming more people than I heal, at least there is one good thing I brought into the world.

She showed me a picture of him, and I must say he's a good looking little fellow.

I also told her I ran into you, and told her a little bit about our emails. She seemed very pleased with that.

She then asked me how I have been, like really the honest truth. And of course, I'm not fine, I don't know if I'll ever be, but for the first time in my life I can say I'm making progress, I'm getting somewhere.

I guess I never thanked you enough for this.

So here's the thing. She proposed to introduce me to David again. Well, not introduce, because he still remembers bits of me and asks about me sometimes. And I feel inclined to accept. She said, even if I never care about the kid the way I feel I should, I should at least give him the chance to care about me.

It got me thinking. I never realized I refuse to allow people to care about me.

It sounds a lot like something my therapist has been trying to tell me in vain. I guess I'll talk to him about it tomorrow. It'll be so much easier now I've written it all down in this email.

So again, thank you.

For listening.

And if you feel like caring at all (I know you will, I can tell from your mails that you're just as giving as my ex-wife), I might allow you. Because I do miss my sister.

Hope to hear from you soon, and sorry again about the long mail.

Edward

PS: I'll ask her to mail me a digital picture, so you can see your nephew.

"What's the matter," Jacob asks, as he walks in while still drying his hair. Apparently I've been sitting at my desk, staring at the screen.

I motion for him to join me and let him read the email. It would be easier than repeating everything. He scrolls through the pages and when he's finished, he mutters, "wow, so you're an aunt, huh."

"Or so it seems," I smile.

"Congratulations," he says, placing a kiss on my hair, and turning towards the TV to switch it on.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

He looks back, confused. "Watching some sports while you answer the mail?" he suggests.

I shake my head and close the laptop. "Nah, I'll answer it tomorrow. I need to let this sit for a while first. There was a lot of information and I don't want to rush a response, just so I can get an early night."

He smiles, understanding my meaning and switches the TV off again.

"Are you sure it's a good idea to get involved into this… mess?" he points at the computer, meaning Edward.

"I'm not involved," I reply.

"You sort of are, you can't help it. He seems …" I can tell that Jacob is carefully trying to find the right words, "…unstable."

"You're worried he might hurt me if I start caring too much and he can't be helped?"

"Exactly," he says, relieved that I understand.

"Don't worry," I assure him, "if he turns nasty just the tiniest bit, the correspondence is off. But so far, he's helping me as well."

"Yes, I know, you like saving…"

"Not just that". I cut him off, because that's not all there is to it. "Reading about how he worked through his issues, how he dealt with things, makes me see that I'm not such a bad person for going through some of the same stuff. In the past at least. And hearing the things he's come to realize through the years, I don't know, it gives me more insight in me as well. Like allowing people to care about me. Maybe we're still alike after all."

"Maybe," he mutters, but I can tell he's still guarded.

That's just how Jacob is. Always trying to protect me.

"Now who's trying to save who?" I ask, while getting up and wrapping my arms around him.

"Well, maybe you and me are alike just as well," he smiles, lifting me to carry me towards the bedroom.

AN: What do you think about Edward's life? Is Bella right for wanting to be his sister still, or is Jacob right for wanting to be careful?