A/n. Dear readers. First things first. OMG the promos. Next Monday shall bring the Castledom to its knees. I think my jaw dropped too many times, eyes popped out of my sockets and I cursed all day. Secondly, thank you, dear reader, for following this story. It has been interesting to write the chapter you are about to read. Male perspective and all. Please enjoy! PenguinOfTroy, forever awesome. Trinxy, forever supportive.

Disclaimer. Castle and Beckett sitting in a tree K.I.S.S.I.N.G. Not mine.

Red

Chapter 8

He took in her shining eyes, heard her trembling breath, felt the heat of her palm against his. The catharsis she had just lived through, her truths, her innermost fears. It made his heart both constrict in empathy and burst with happiness. She loved him. HIM. It was almost too much to take in. Even though he already heard her admission earlier that night, he knew that her confession had profoundly changed him forever. She loved him.

He needed a moment to take it all in. A moment to gain courage to bare his soul in front of her, as she just did with him. Tit for tat. He knew he had to man up and do it. It was only fair. He needed to place all his cards on the table. And that scared him, because he knew that his darkest secret needed to come out as well. And he could only hope that he wouldn't lose.

Rick squeezed her hand gently, thanking her. He looked into her eyes and wanted to drown in them. But not yet. Now it was his turn. He took a deep, shuddering breath and started to talk.

"You have no idea, Kate, how you have impacted my whole existence and I hope by the time I've finished my share of soul baring, you'll understand.

When I first met you I was a mess, only half the man. My writer's block was only part of the problem. My life was an empty shell, my days consisted of public appearances, drinking, women and all the lowly activities that your regular playboy would get involved in. But all that was for show. That wasn't me, but it was the only way how I could pass my days. I was bored out of my mind, uninspired, barely existing. The only time when I felt more like myself was when I was with Alexis. But the lifestyle - I think it was slowly killing me.

And then you crashed my party. That moment was a turning point. In front of me stood this woman, no nonsense, tough as nails, so hot and would not take my shit! I was stunned. At first I wanted to get into your pants, any hot-blooded man would. But that was a momentary thing because you were real, too real. I was intrigued and awed by you. You took my antics in a stride and threw them right back at me. You had a hard job and your own demons to slay. I wanted to know what Kate Beckett was made off. Extraordinary."

She holds on to every word that is floating past his lips. It takes her back to that hotel room in LA, reminds her of the talk they had then. She urges him to continue with a slight nod of her head.

"And the work? Even though I love being a writer, helping you solve murders, bringing justice to the victims and closure to their families has given me a chance to make the world a better place. It makes me feel like I'm making a difference. That why despite my broken heart I haven't been able just to pack up and leave. The work has become a big part of my life.

He exhaled and paused. Played with her fingers a little bit. Stalling.

"You know how they say that time flies when you are having fun? That first year, it flew by. Nikki came to life, I was on a roll. I was following around actual detectives with real guns, solving actual crimes, spent my days pulling your pigtails. And slowly but surely, and at first without my knowledge, I was starting to fall in love with you. Even then.

I think I first realised that you meant more to me than just being a fantastic muse when I saw how much I'd hurt you after dragging your mum's case out in the open. Your pain was my fault and I needed to fix it because I cared. I vowed to myself that I would do my best to erase that hurt. I wanted to stand by your side and give YOU closure."

He lifted his hand and fingered a strand of her hair. His touch was delicate and held so much emotion. His hand dropped back into his lap as he continued his story.

"I felt like we were at a good place. Doing the work, teasing and flirting, pushing each others buttons. Then Demming entered the picture. You were smitten and I wanted to punch his lights out. But all I ever wanted was for you to be happy so I bowed out and left. Gina, she was a distraction and a slave driver. Nothing more to it really. She made me finish the book and kept me company. We both knew that nothing would ever become of it. I missed you, I missed the precinct. But I couldn't call. I'll be forever grateful that the money forgery case brought us back together, even if you pointed your gun at me and arrested me twice! But I did win the bet, so I'd earned my place back by your side."

He noticed she had a twinkle in her eyes and the corners of her mouth lifted slightly. He briefly wondered what that was all about, but shrugged it off. He will have to ask her about that sometime.

"And then Bachelor number 2 or is that 3? I felt like you were parading him in front of me on purpose and I knew I couldn't complain because I was with Gina. It was time to finish it with her, because she was not what I wanted, she was not extraordinary and she definitely was not magic. That time was so odd, there were many moments where I felt we were getting closer, the near death experiences, 3XK, the freezer, the bomb. And the kiss. That kiss gave me hope despite Josh's interference every single time I wanted to say something. I wanted to kiss you so bad in LA, sitting on that sofa. You were so beautiful and we'd just had a rare honest conversation between us, but it was not the right time. I knew that."

They both knew what was coming next. Rick braced himself. Kate held onto his hand tighter in anticipation of hearing what he went through during and after her shooting.

"The case, the fight, it's over, Montgomery, funeral, a flare of light and then you dying in my arms."

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment.

"I … I have no words to describe the despair I felt. I was dying with you, my heart was bleeding with yours, because you ARE my heart. I'm sorry, I can't … I can't relive that."

Silent tears were pooling in his eyes, he tried to swallow the lump in his throat. At that moment she wanted to throw her arms around him and never let him go. But there were more things to be said, she knew. So she relented in sandwiching his hand between both of hers and hoped that for the time being it would be enough.

"I was so grateful, so relieved that you pulled through and despite that I hate that doctor's guts I'll forever be in debt with him for saving your life.

You didn't remember. I suppose my timing wasn't the best, so I accepted you told me you'd call and never did. I waited. For days, for weeks. I threw myself into looking for the sniper. Then Gates kicked me out. Gina and Paula were breathing down my neck so I finished the book. And I continued to hope that the phone would ring and you'd be on the other end. With every passing minute my anger and hurt multiplied. You have no idea how much I wanted to be there with you … for you. But you shut me out. And then showed up at the book signing out of the blue, looking so beautiful, you took my breath away. But I was so pissed off at you."

Kate hung her head in shame and empathy. The curtain of her hair hid her face. Rick tucked the strands behind her ear and made her look into this eyes assuring her that he was past that.

"I knew you wanted space and time. So I gave it to you. I toned down the teasing and the flirting and just tried to give you as much time as you needed while everyday I wished I could grab you, kiss you, love you, hold you and never let go. I tried to be patient and pacify myself with the fact that you didn't remember those three little words and that perhaps in time you'd recall the shooting. At times I had my doubts and thought that you weren't giving me the whole truth. But I shrugged it off. Looking back, I suppose it was cowardly of me, maybe I should have approached you again. I dunno.

He shrugged.

"The bombing - that one threw me totally. I realised how much one could lose in a blink of a second. At that moment I was done. I knew I had to talk to you, to tell you how I felt and where I wanted all of this to go. But something or someone was always interrupting.

I brought you your caffeine fix, left it on your desk. Espo said you were interrogating the suspect, so I thought I'd observe.

You remembered every second of it. That felt like a punch through the gut, no, a stab straight through my heart. I couldn't understand why you would lie. But the ease how you breathed it out to that guy and yet couldn't tell me … You just didn't want me. Didn't care. Didn't love me. So I ran."

The recollection of that time made him shudder.

"But I couldn't quit, the work is just too important. So I decided to switch my feelings off. Easier said than done. My behaviour was inexcusable. I need to apologize, Kate. You didn't deserve the way I treated you. I just couldn't confront you which I should have done in the first place. But my kneejerk instinct took over me. I wanted to erase you from my heart. So I distanced myself and did some idiotic things that I'm not proud of. The car, the woman, the jackets, the cockiness, the cold shoulder. I admit I wanted to punish you. And I am sorry. All of those things were just ways how my idiotic heart tried to put together its broken pieces. But I promise you, all of that was just a distraction. I didn't sleep with that woman, I couldn't even kiss her. You are the only woman for me, Kate Beckett. No one can replace you. You are perfect for me. I love you."

Rick reached over and slid his fingers along her cheekbone relishing on the feel of her soft skin. He shifted closer to her, their faces inches apart breathing the same air. He could feel her tremble underneath his fingertips. Her lips parted and a nervous puff of air escaped. Their gazes locked and held. The heat rose considerably between them. His fingers traveled to gently cup the back of her skull bringing them even closer together. Kate whose hand now rested on the side of his neck could feel the steady rhythm of Rick's pulse under her palm.

"You are so beautiful," his whisper was barely audible. "And I love you so much. But before we do this, there is one thing left that I need to tell you."

He stood up and pulled her up with him, their hands still clasped together. He walked over to his desk, pulled open a side drawer and slid out a small, inconspicuous looking remote. He gently placed it in her palm.

"Push it."

She fingered the little power button on the remote. She had an inkling where this was going. Kate looked down at the little device and then back into his eyes which were filled with dread and apprehension.

She pushed the button. The screen previously unnoticed sitting in the corner of Rick's study came to life and a large photo of her own face stared back at her.

To be continued …

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