A/N I would like to start by saying how sorry I am about how long this story became stagnant. I didn't want it to but… time gets away. To make it up to you guys, I have made this pretty long.

Chapter 8 Leaving

Emily's P. O. V.

The first time that I left, it was because of Strauss. Only through the genius that is Penelope Garcia that I got to stay. The short time that I became "unofficial" certainly got a response… and an unexpected one at that. I didn't everyone else. Hotch, yes- because, for a bit there, we were in the same boat. I didn't even know that they knew until we got to Milwaukee. I especially did not know how it made Spencer feel.

When I met the genius, I immediately saw how special he is. I became even more aware of it the longer that we worked together. He never boasted, nor did he make us feel bad about not being as smart as he is. I already knew that he is smart but it was only later did I learn just how sensitive and compassionate he is.

When we got back from the case and I had to stand up to Strauss, he invited me for a cup of coffee. At first I thought that he just wanted to give me a few encouraging words. How weird would that have felt? I was new and I was replacing his team mate, his friend. He was being given a chance to get rid of me and yet… he asked to have coffee with me.

I accepted, if only to distract myself from the impending blowout Strauss and I would inevitably have. The first few minutes were really awkward. We both ordered our drinks but both of us were reluctant to start. It felt as though he wanted to say something so I decided to wait it out. When he started talking, I couldn't believe my ears.

"Elle Greenway once told me that working with the B. A. U. was a dream for her. She grew up simply and worked hard to get to where she got. The case that broke her—a strong, independent woman—was one of the worst that we ever had. She was personally attacked and the privacy of her home was violated."

I didn't understand why he was telling me this so I asked him. He simply continued.

"The entire case happened because my mother who is schizophrenic was able to influence the fractured mind of a broken man. He hacked our system by manipulating Garcia and he was able to rattle even Jason Gideon.

"What I'm trying to say is… Emily, you have seen some of our cases and you've worked with us. It's all fine until that one case comes and completely destroys you. For Elle, that case turned off her humanity for a while. She wasn't able to cope as much as she wanted to. I always think back to the first case that we had together. She was so excited and she really liked working with us. Honestly, she was just like you—only she didn't have to prove herself as much because Hotch hired her and not Strauss.

"Emily, if you want to stay just as who you are right now, I would recommend applying for a different position. None of us would take it personally because we understand how personal this job can get. You have a chance if you want to leave if you want to"

To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. This was far different from the young doctor that I met. He just delivered a very passionate speech and all I could say was why didn't he leave.

"This job changes people, Emily. I think that that's the bad news. We are constantly haunted by the ones we were too late to save and the ones that haven't even happened yet. The good news is that this team supports each other. We are always there for each other no matter what. That's why Morgan flirts with envelope so much—to distract her from worrying about us too much. That's why JJ makes sure we're fed. Did you know that Hotch and Morgan schedule check-up's for our SUV's? I didn't because I declined getting a bureau-issued car. Penelope protects our credit cards so we'd have one less thing to worry about. These are just some of the things that we do for each other. Me, I do some of Morgan's paperwork whenever he's scheduled to go home to Chicago. I also offer to do the same for Hotch since he should be home with his family. If you stay with us, you become part of our lives, and you become our family, too.

"Don't quit because Strauss wants you to spy on us—quit because you don't want to be a part of our family. Or… don't quit. Show her that you are already one of us. You are already a part of our family."

"Reid… I…" I honestly did not know what to say after that.

"Leave or don't leave, it's your choice but Emily, next time tell us. We can't afford to be blindsided by these kinds of things."

And with that he left me with my thoughts.

After our conversation, I told Strauss to shove her opinions and threats to where the sun doesn't shine. I came back and we became a team.

Then Gideon left. Spencer was devastated. I realized that, even though he pulled a dick move, Gideon understood the depth of Spencer's fear of abandonment. I wonder if that was also why he didn't want me to leave the first time—probably not.

When he talked to me about finally understanding the letter Gideon left him, I was relieved. Maybe, he would heal a little more because of that… or maybe not. I knew from experience that a brilliant mind had a tendency to replay certain… things.

When Dave joined, most of us were skeptical but Reid wasn't. He just looked excited. He accepted Rossi immediately although Dave seemed a little skeptical of Reid.

Then JJ had to leave and that was painful for him because she was his best friend. They kept in touch but… she always had to be away because of her job.

Ashley Seaver fascinated him more than anything else but he still considered her a friend. I hear he still talks to her over coffee sometimes.

Then I "died". I left to protect them… at least that's what I told myself. In the end, they figured out how to end it all. If only I just told them upfront… maybe Spencer wouldn't have spent ten straight weeks crying over losing me. Maybe JJ and Hotch wouldn't have had to lie to everyone. My death made him question why he even does this job and I hate that I made him feel that way.

The entire time when I first got back, I wanted to talk to him and tell him how sorry I was that it all turned out that way. I did not expect his anger and his resentment towards JJ and I, but I completely understood it. After our first talk about me leaving, I made it a point to show him that I was sticking around. I established relationships, I bought a home… But I think he already felt as though I was just showing those things and not really living them. That was when I decided to be more involved in the relationships that I established. And then I left.

There wasn't a day in Paris when I didn't wish that I did not keep my past a secret. I wish I told them everything. I wish we hunted Doyle together and solved the case in good terms. I wish that I made myself believe in us being a team a bit more—but I didn't. I didn't do any of that. Instead, I ran and I hurt them all and I made Spencer question his place in the BAU. That's why I couldn't stay even after I was "resurrected". I couldn't work with them anymore because I broke the trust that we all built with each other. I couldn't ask them to rely on me when I didn't trust them with my secrets.

Telling them that I was leaving was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. I realized that it was hard because I was afraid of hurting them even more than I already have. I was afraid of them resenting me for what I was going to do. Of course, Reid being Reid, he deviated from my expectations. Instead of getting angry, he simply nodded his head. Instead of words of resentment, he gave me words of encouragement. He showed no evidence of the emotions he did the first time. He said he wanted me to be happy. He said that no matter how much he would miss me, that he wanted me to feel happy and comfortable. This is the doctor that I have come to love like a brother- a man with a brilliant mind and a beautiful heart. I had hoped that he would find someone to appreciate that.

Dr. Alexandra Blake came and left. I didn't know her much but, from what I was told, she and Spencer were quite close. When I heard the news, I called Reid—thinking that he would need comfort. He said,

"It was simply her tie to move on—like you."

His words hit me harder that I thought it would. I doubt that he meant to but, what he said made me examine the life I live now. Here in London with a huge office, a lot of paperwork, and none of the fear that some deep dark secret would come and hurt my family. I suddenly felt very guilty. I swallowed back the tears that threatened to fall and changed the topic to a less depressing one.

Later that day, I got a call from David Rossi. It continues to amaze me just how my BAU family always knows when to comfort me.

"I heard you talked to the kid." Dave asked.

"Yeah", I replied. "I wanted to know how he was doing."

"He seems fine. They would still talk and co-lecture and even co-write. Blake is a part of our family and it is very hard to get out, you know that."

I could almost hear the smirk that has formed on his face.

"Bellissima, I also heard that Aaron asked you if you wanted to come back."

"Yeah. I'm sorry but…" I could still feel the guilt as I thought back to that conversation with Hotch.

"No buts needed. Emily, you need to understand that having us as your family means that we would always wish you were here all the while believing in whatever you believe is best for you."

I will never stop missing them but I like where I am right now. Dave's right, I shouldn't feel guilty about being happy. That would be ten times worse than anything that I have ever done.

I thanked Dave for his support then bluntly asked him what he wanted. His laughter told me that I had not offended him. How could I when I learned that from him?

"I just… Em, did you ask Reid about Maeve?"

The girl he was robbed of because of a woman in a psychotic break. The ladies told me about her and I wish that I could have been there more. I flew back for a while for him but in the end I had to admit that I flew back mostly for selfish reasons. I needed to make my heart stop scaring me that something had happened to my little brother. of course, something had happened to him. He lost his love and, from experience, I know that that changes a person.

I told Dave that we didn't talk about Maeve and I could tell that he wished that was not my response. I asked him why.

"He gets nightmares... When Alex was here, he would go to her because… I don't know. All I know is that he had someone to go to. You know just as much as I do that that kid is even more private than Hotch."

That couldn't be truer. Hotch would often talk about something regarding Jack or Jessica once in a while but Reid wouldn't talk about anything. He would gladly discuss theories and ideas but he would often shy away when it came to his personal life. It was no surprise as to why none of us knew about Maeve until it was too late.

"Dave, you said yourself that they still talk. He would probably not speak to me about it though. Maybe with Hotch because I think they have the closest situation with that? But even Hotch got to spend more time with Haley. I don't know. Maybe he'll start talking if he decides that he wants to."

"Maybe", Dave acquiesced. It was not the first time that he asked me about Reid's well-being regarding Maeve. I guess losing his first wife did have a lasting effect on him.

"Maybe I'll just send him a gift basket full of coffee to distract him for a while." I wanted to turn our conversation towards the less depressing route. We always have this feeling within us that we can do more, that we should do more and, more often than not, we are usually unable to do so. It kills us in the inside so we cover it up with material things. This is a lesson my mother has taught me very early on.

"Spencer Reid does not need coffee to function."

I made a very un-lady like sound which vaguely resembled a snort as a response.

"I'm not kidding. Aaron drinks more coffee than Reid does. The kid takes ages to finish one cup. I think it's like a grounding mechanism, you know? When everything is falling apart, coffee won't kind of thing?"

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Maybe. It's not hard to picture Hotch being more of a caffeine addict between the two but… okay, maybe Reid does take hours before finishing a cup of coffee and maybe he's usually drinking more sugar than caffeine per cup…

"Get him a gift basket of Dr. Who stuff which I think are definitely available there in London. Get him stuff that he can't get here and that Kitten wouldn't be upset over—that is, if you really want to give him something."

Huh. "Is there something you aren't telling me, David?"

"You sound like the nuns in my old school. Maybe. I think Ms. Callahan might be taking a leave of absence."

"Really? Why? I mean… David Rossi you are such a gossip."

"It's not much of a gossip Em. It's more like, I'm seeing diapers in her future."

"Oh." We exchanged a few more pleasantries and a whole lot of smart-assery and bid each other 'til the next phone call.

Another one is leaving. Given the circumstances regarding her impending departure, it is pretty justifiable. But it also means that another one is leaving Spencer. How much of these would he have to go through? I have a feeling that I wouldn't like the answer. Besides, anyone else would say that it's normal. But… that doesn't make each goodbye less painful. Where's the good in goodbye?

A/N please comment, suggest, request… anything? Please? It makes me happy. J