Darcy was never drinking apple juice again.

She could be a bit forgetful at times, so the Depo shot had seemed like the ideal birth control method – get it every three months, no muss, no fuss, no daily pill that she would forget and then panic about. And it made her period come less often, which was awesome because tampons were fucking expensive – even the generic brand. And who actually likes getting their period anyway?

Although right now, Darcy would taze an old lady right in her saggy boobs if it meant she would get hers.

Her lack of ladytime regularity had never been a problem before. It wasn't like she was easy - she could count the number of lovers she'd had on one hand with fingers to spare (like Clinton, she firmly believed oral didn't count). And since she was on the lazy-girl's version of birth control, she wasn't overly concerned when it started to approach two months since she last got her period. Stress from work and the slight emotional disturbance (or, you know, complete devastation) from Loki's departure was the likely culprit of her funny hormones.

Birth control shouldn't have even mattered anyway. Since dating was tricky when you worked for a secret organization – and had actual standards – the only person she'd been with in over a year was Loki. And he was a freaky alien-god, so the likelihood he could actually knock her up seemed slim. Plus he was a supergenius, so she was pretty sure that if there actually was a risk of pregnancy then he would have known and eliminated it using his freaky alien-god/supergenius powers.

Even if he hadn't taken care of it (unlikely), she was still on birth control! So named because it controlled birth. It wasn't a sperm speedbump, it was a sperm brick-fucking-wall.

Ok, so 99% effective wasn't completely foolproof, but still.

So when Tony not-so-quietly pointed out that she must be PMSing (which was rude but oddly helpful of him), she suddenly realized that she hadn't gotten a visit from Aunt Flow in a while. So she went out and bought her very first pregnancy test. Since it was really just a precaution, she wasn't too worried. She even amused herself by putting on a pathetic face for the cashier and wringing her hands nervously. It almost felt like a rite of passage - her first pregnancy scare!

Then she took the test and actually became scared.

No. She had obviously done it wrong. Well, ok – it was pretty hard to pee on a stick incorrectly, but it could have been defective. That happened sometimes, right? So she went back out and bought six more tests. Overkill? Perhaps. But she wasn't taking any chances. Then she grabbed a giant carton of apple juice and chugged. She figured apple juice already looked like pee, so that could only help the process along.

Way too much juice and twelve more sticks with various images of pluses and smiley faces (morbidly inappropriate considering the tears streaming down her own face) and Darcy knew she was in trouble.

Really big trouble.

It wasn't that she didn't want children. She did. One day, in the very far future (say another 10-12 years), she would probably be ready for a family. But that day wasn't today. She was twenty-three for fuck's sake. And she hadn't quite obtained that whole emotional maturity and selflessness thing necessary for motherhood.

And then there was the father. Loki. The God of Mischief. The God of Lies. Thor's baby bro. A fucking Frost Giant.

There were three major issues she was trying to wrap her mind around concerning Loki. One: he was currently in another realm facing some sort of horrible punishment which Thor wouldn't tell her about despite her casual (but continuous) prodding.

Two: he wasn't actually human. In any sense. He was a Frost Giant. A blue, bumpy Jötunn man. And while that didn't bother her personally - oh, his cold, cold tongue - she was more than a little concerned that there would be some serious complications. She could apparently get pregnant, but could she stay pregnant? Would her body be able to carry a half-Jötunn baby to full term? Hell, would Darcy actually live through the pregnancy? What if the baby started biting its way out of her womb with little fangs? Or made her freeze from the inside out? (The reason behind her constant chill was suddenly and terrifyingly clear). There were a variety of scary things that could happen with her little uterine parasite that all ended with Darcy dying a very painful death. Fuck. She wouldn't even care if the baby was blue, as long as both of them actually lived through this.

Which led her to number three: she really doubted Loki even wanted kids.

After they'd had their little discussion about the truth behind his myths (Google was a web of lies apparently, and she should have known better than to believe a guy named Snorri Sturluson), she'd pegged Loki as the cool uncle type. A dude as morally ambiguous and lacking in warm fuzzies as Loki wasn't exactly Father-of-the-Year material. And the man had serious Daddy Issues (capital D, capital I).

Now he was about to become a daddy himself. She really couldn't picture him as one of those guys who starts crying tears of joy and falls to his knees to immediately start cooing to her stomach. What she could picture him doing is freezing and then calmly telling her to 'take care of it'. Right? It wasn't like they were that serious. She loved him - oh god, she loved him - but they weren't official in any sense. At least not yet. Clandestine lovers may sound exciting, but in reality, not so much.

Which led to another, more pressing, issue. No one knew they had ever been together and so she had no one to go to for help with this. She couldn't really see Jane keeping this a secret - she was too cautious. And this was too potentially dangerous.

And potentially amazing.

Darcy looked down at her stomach. It was still sorta flat (whatever, she'd never be a model), but there was a person in there. She and Loki had made a little person…or, well, a little half-god. Fuck, she couldn't breathe. The part of her that was almost happy about this unexpected turn of events started peeking through. She tried to think rationally about the whole thing. She loved Loki. She wasn't sure she could ever really have him, but she loved him. And the proof of that was growing inside her.

She started crying harder. At least now she could blame it on hormones instead of depression. Although with depression, you pop some happy pills and everything is cool beans. With this…it was a bit more complicated. She wondered if anyone would finally ask why she was so weepy all of a sudden? She sucked at lying. Really, really sucked at it. She'd never be able to convincingly deny being knocked up if someone asked her about it point-blank.

That made something else occur to her and she suddenly felt the blood turn to ice in her veins. Her heart started pounding and she felt her legs giving out, so she slid to the floor.

What if S.H.I.E.L.D. found out she was pregnant with Loki's baby? What would they do?

He still wasn't exactly forgiven or trusted by them. Would they make her kill it? Would they kill it for her without even giving her an option? She couldn't let that happen. She didn't plan this. She didn't even really want this. But, now that it had happened, she wasn't going to just let anyone kill her baby. Because…she was gonna keep it. If she could. Even if it killed her? Well, that was a bridge she'd cross later. And who knows, maybe it would be ok. She had at least another month or two to hide this before she started showing. She'd figure out what to do about S.H.I.E.L.D. by then. She'd figure out everything by then. She had to.

Looking around at the empty bathroom, Darcy took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down. She failed miserably. Closing her eyes, she wrapped her arms tightly around her knees. Despite the strong possibility of his negative reaction, she really wished Loki was there to hold her.

After almost two weeks of being equal parts careful and terrified, Darcy found herself outside Tony Stark's front door wearing clothes that were just a bit heavier than appropriate for that time of year. (Stupid Loki and his even stupider Frost Giant DNA). Fury had asked her as politely as possible - which meant he'd ordered her like the hard-ass douche that he was - to drop off a folder at Tony's place on her way home from work. A harried-looking Pepper let her in and told her to just wait outside Tony's office until whatever meeting he was in was over. After a few minutes of playing Doodle Jump on her phone, she watched as two older men in suits and fedoras left quietly. She figured it must have been a business meeting, so she was surprised when she walked in (knocking is overrated) and found Tony shirtless and flushed.

Her voice was genuinely shocked, "Wow. Ok, I didn't see that coming. But I promise I'm ok with it. I'm all about accepting other's sexuality. Trust me. It's probably a boredom thing too, right? I mean, you must have hit all the women in a certain mile radius, so you have to branch out either geographically or…otherwise. While those dudes wouldn't have been my first choice if I was feeling experimental, I think it's great. You know what - good for you!"

She was carrying the child of the missing member of Blue Man Group, so throwing stones in the glass house that was her life right now seemed pretty hypocritical.

Tony just smiled, "Those guys? Not my type. If I was feeling experimental, I would go younger."

"Ah. Well." She still didn't know why he wasn't wearing a shirt. "Then I guess you really buy into the whole Casual Friday dress code."

He still didn't make a move to get dressed and she tried not to stare at the glowy thing in his chest. That would be tacky.

His voice was amused, "You know you could just ask me."

She leaned against the arm of the couch, "Where's the fun in that? Oh fine…who were the stylish old dudes? And why are you channeling Matthew McConaughey?"

"They were doctors. You know it's a good thing I like watching your lips move otherwise I would completely tune out everything you say."

Doctors. They were doctors. Wheels started turning in Darcy's head.

"I guess you have really discrete doctors considering your...medical condition." She gestured to the aforementioned glowy thing. It didn't really bother her - she'd seen weirder. Blue boyfriend's blue penis and all that. Still, this gave her an idea.

Tony gave her a look, "My condition? Jesus, you make me sound like I'm impotent or something. But yes, I need discrete doctors. I have enemies that would love to get their hands on my medical charts."

Darcy nodded, "That makes sense."

An idea was solidifying in Darcy's mind. Could she? It was crazy! But she needed help. She was getting so tired. And cold. And scared. Fuck it. Tony was also Loki's friend, so he might be the only person in the world who wouldn't completely lose his shit over this.

Her voice was cloyingly sweet, "Hey, I've never noticed how handsome you are. And how commanding your presence is. Truly, it's...majestic."

Tony's eyebrows shot up, "Are you high?"

"No, but I kinda wish I was."

He crossed his arms over his still-naked chest, "So you want something?"

Darcy mirrored his pose, "You could say that. I need a small favor."

"Why does that make me nervous?"

"Because you've met me?"

"Yes. Yes, that is why." He sighed and sat on the edge of his desk "Ok, lay it on me."

Darcy steeled herself and then asked as casually as possible, "Can I see your doctors?"

"You just saw them."

"Hardy har. No, I meant can I make an appointment for them to see me?"

Tony's face lost all traces of humor, "Darcy...are you alright?"

He looked really concerned. About her. That was almost sweet of him. Her heart was starting to pound, "Yeah, I just need a really good doctor."

"Ok, that's not a problem."

"And a really discrete one."

"That one is more of a problem."

Darcy blinked, "Why? You just said-"

"For me. What's wrong?" His voice was firm. Her racing heart was now accompanied by sweaty palms and vague nausea.

She aimed for blasé, "I just need a doctor."

"Are you sick?" Fuck, Darcy had never seen the man look this serious without his supersuit on.

"No. I mean, not really."

"That's not comforting."

Darcy started to regret opening her mouth, "Tony, I can't. Look, I know you mean well. But I can't really talk about this. Ok? But trust me, it's not whatever you're afraid it is."

He jumped off the desk and closed the distance between them, "How do you know?"

"Because what it actually is...is...well, unexpected. Lady troubles if you will."

Tony froze a few feet away from her and his face took on an odd expression, "Oh. Who's the father?"

Darcy nearly jumped out of her skin, "What? I mean, no...that's not even...pfft. Crazy man."

Tony just stared at her blankly, "Wow, you really suck at lying. Didn't you learn anything from hanging out with Loki?"

Darcy felt her face reflexively twitch at the mention of Loki's name and watched as Tony's whole body stiffened forebodingly.

"No."

Oh shit. "No, what?"

"You are not pregnant with Loki's child."

Oh supershit. She tried to play dumb, "Of course I'm not."

"Liar! Fuck, Darcy! What the hell were you thinking?"

Oh Shitty McShitterson. This was not how she wanted anyone to find out.

All of the emotions Darcy had been keeping bottled up inside suddenly exploded out of her, "I wasn't thinking! Ok? Are you happy? I was just...in lust or love or something...and I didn't think that I could even...I mean, he's not even the same species as me. Aren't there, like, genetic rules that say this can't work? Although I guess there's ligers and wholphins…and Spock, right?" She felt herself spiraling into a full-on freak out, but couldn't seem to stop. "But it did happen and I'm scared and you're really not helping. Loki's in Asgard being hurt in some really awful way. And I need to see a doctor, but I know something weird is going to happen and then S.H.I.E.L.D. will come and they'll kill my baby and I'll just...I'll..."

She was literally (and embarrassingly) sobbing by the end of her rant and was startled to suddenly feel two warm arms wrap themselves around her. Tony Stark had never struck her as much of a hugger, but she was grateful for the step out of character. She latched on to him desperately and cried into his bare chest like a fool. A scared, pregnant, alone fool.

His voice was a gentle whisper, "Shh...it's ok. I'll get you some doctors. But we need to tell Nick."

Her head flew back, "No! He'll make me into a science experiment. Or a bargaining tool in case Loki ever...," she couldn't finish the thought.

Tony nodded looking thoughtful, "Yeah. Alright."

Darcy sagged against him in relief.

"But you're going to come stay with me."

Her head popped up again, "What?"

He gave her an incredulous look, "You're pregnant with the God of Mischief's child. And you live in a tiny apartment. Alone. None of this is good. I have bigger rooms and a medical staff that's on-call 24/7."

Wow. This was not how she had envisioned this particular conversation going. Move in with him? Should she? They were friendly, but they weren't actually friends. Hell, Loki was closer to Tony than she was. Maybe that was why he was offering. Still…

Darcy knew that she would regret this, but she was so scared and really needed an ally. And a doctor.

She tightened her arms around him, "Tony, I just…thank you. That would be really great. And I will tell everyone. Thor at least. He needs to let Loki know. But, just not now - I'm not even showing yet. And I don't even know if I'm - you know - able to carry the baby. Loki is…not exactly human. I mean…my stupid mortal womb is probably too weak to…to…"

She hiccupped a little embarrassing sob and Tony immediately pulled her to his chest again. The tears wouldn't stop and Darcy had the vague hope that the glowy thing in his chest was waterproof – she didn't want to have to explain to Fury that she'd short-circuited (or actually killed) Iron Man with her unending sad-girl tears of pathetic weakness. Still, it was nice to be held like this, even if it felt too warm. Loki had always been so deliciously cool.

She felt Tony kiss the top of her head (…that was weird) and had the disconcerting realization that he would make a pretty decent father himself one day. Huh.

Tony Stark was her new second favorite person (sorry Jane). It felt so good to just let it all out. And having someone else know was a huge relief.

His voice was soothing, "Alright, we'll figure it out. Shh..."

That's how Pepper found them. She had opened the door looking distracted and then froze at the sight of Tony, still shirtless, cradling a sobbing Darcy with more care than either woman had known he was capable of. Poor Pepper's face was a study in shock. Darcy would have laughed if she hadn't been so emotionally wrecked.

Oblivious, Tony perked up at the sight of her, "Pepper, I'm glad you're here! Darcy will be moving in with me. Could you see that all of her things are boxed and transported over by tonight?"

Pepper looked dazed. Then a strange look came over her face and Darcy knew she was drawing very wrong conclusions. First Steve and now Tony – Darcy realized she'd better keep her distance from Bruce and Clint before people start assuming she was some sort of Avengers groupie. If only they knew.

Pepper's voice was flinty, "Yes, sir."

She left the room, closing the door behind her with a little more force than was necessary.

Tony mused, "Hmm...do you think she's mad?"

Darcy pulled back and gave him a wry smile, "You did promise her that you would make an effort to prove she was the only woman in your life. Objectively, this looks pretty bad. So yeah. She's mad."

Tony just nodded thoughtfully, "That's what I thought."