Somebody kill her. Please.

Darcy had spent the last four mornings worshipping the porcelain goddess with the devoutness and regularity of a nun. This was horrible. Since it hadn't happened right away, she thought she would escape the whole morning sickness thing – her child was half-god after all. Gods probably didn't get morning sickness. She couldn't picture some fancy goddess sprawled out on the floor with vomit in her hair. Who would worship that image?

A knock sounded and Tony's voice rang out, muffled by the door, "How are you holding up?"

Darcy groped behind her blindly and then threw a shampoo bottle at the door with as much strength as she could muster while letting out an animalistic scream of rage.

Silence for a moment until Tony's voice rang out again, "Not good, huh? Yeah. I'm gonna go get Pepper. Just…hang in there."

Darcy tried to slow down her breathing. In. Out. In. Out. Oh, god…not again. She heaved herself up off the floor and then just plain heaved. This was ridiculous. Why did people ever have children? Morning sickness couldn't always be this bad or else the human population would have died out a long time ago. It must be a Frost Giant thing.

Midway through her torment, she felt something tugging at her hair – pulling it back. She assumed it was Pepper. That was nice of her. Stomach now officially empty, Darcy leaned back on her heels and waited for the room to become stationary once again. She was startled when a masculine hand reached around her from behind.

"Sorry, courtesy flush."

Darcy spun her head around and stared at the surprising image behind her. Tony Stark was holding her hair back. On the bathroom floor. In a three-piece suit.

It was a damn good thing Darcy liked Pepper Potts – Tony was amazing and deserved the best.

"Was that pizza? When did you eat pizza? And why didn't I get any?"

Ok, she was taking it back. Tony was an asshole.

Darcy's voice was ragged, "I hate you."

"No you don't. I couldn't find Pepper. I think she might be mad at me again."

Darcy wasn't surprised. Tony was always saying the wrong thing and pissing Pepper off. Then he would flirt his way back into her good graces. Poor Pepper would try to play it off as being completely unruffled, but Darcy could see right through that. Someone just needed to lock those two in a tiny closet with a bottle of vodka and keep them there until they'd either killed each other or got engaged. It was a 50/50 chance.

Pepper had been really great about the whole moving-in thing once it was firmly established that the baby wasn't Tony's. Not that Pepper knew who the real father was because…well, the less people in on that, the better. From the frigid looks she'd been sending Captain America's way, Darcy had a feeling Tony told her it was Steve's. That would probably make the most sense as Pepper must have heard of their "tawdry" affair (Loki's little bra trick certainly had quite the butterfly effect). And, come to think of it, whatever poor girl Steve ever knocked up would probably need a lot of medical care too – he had been pumped full of enough magical drugs to transform him from Michael Cera into The Rock. That can't be too healthy for the dude's sperm. But still – poor Steve.

Tony's voice cut through her musing, "Glass of water?"

Darcy nodded. She took the glass from his hand and gargled with the first sip. Then she spit it into the toilet with a cough and a grimace.

Tony sounded droll, "Classy. No wonder you snagged yourself a god."

She was going to kill the snarky bastard.

No. He wasn't the snarky bastard who got her into this mess.

Her voice was scarily resolute, "I'm gonna kill Loki."

Tony had the audacity to chuckle and pat her on the head like a dog. "La petite mort?"

Darcy gave him her best stink-eye, "Fuck you."

"Normally, I'd love an invitation like that. Especially since I can't get you more pregnant than you already are. But you're not really at your best right now. I prefer my bed partners to smell a bit less like vomit. I mean, it isn't a complete deal-breaker, but you know. Oh, and there's Pepper of course. She would probably hit me. Again."

Darcy went to smack him herself, but a cramp squeezed her stomach and she ended up making a noise like a wounded animal. Tony instantly looked concerned.

"Darcy, what's wrong? Are you ok? I'll go get the doctor."

Darcy grabbed his arm. "No, I'm fine. Just…hurts a bit. And I'm cold. 'What to Expect When You're Expecting' didn't have a chapter on what it means to be a Frost Giant breeder. I feel like I've swallowed a gallon of snow."

Tony looked pained, "Darcy I'm trying to be concerned here. You can't say things like that without me making a cum joke."

A sad little laugh bubbled up, "You're such an ass, Tony."

"Sticks and stones. Now what say we get off the floor before I completely ruin the Armani?"

Darcy let Tony help her up and put her back in bed like a child. He even tucked the seven hundred blankets she used under her chin. What a sweetie. If Loki ever decided to take over the world again, she'd have to convince him to spare Tony. Granted, Loki would have to get his blue ass back here for that to ever become an issue.

Tony asked, "Need anything?"

Darcy just shook her head and sent him a reassuring smile. Then she valiantly tried to ignore how worried he looked. But it was hard. He looked almost as worried as she felt.

Iron Man stared at the God of Thunder with an uncomfortable look on his face.

"Now, don't freak out."

"What does 'freak out' mean? I have heard Jane use such expression, but I was unable to ask her about it at the time."

"It means...don't panic."

"Panic? Well, that seems an odd expression. Telling one not to panic is the perfect way to make one panic. Why am I not panicking?"

"Well, see, there's this thing."

"Thing?"

"Yeah. Well, l suppose it's not a thing so much as a who."

"What?"

"No, who."

"Who?"

"Yeah, exactly."

"Are you deliberately trying to confuse me?"

"Not deliberately."

"Tony, I am now panicking, or freaking out if you will. Find your point before I start breaking things."

"Fuck. Right, ok. So, you know Darcy?"

"Do I know Darcy? Are you inebriated again?"

"Yes, but that's beside the point. So, Darcy right?"

"Yes, I am obviously acquainted with the girl."

"Have you noticed anything new about her lately?"

"Is this some sort of guessing game?"

"If it were, you would lose. Ok, how about this - so Loki is a guy. Mostly, right?"

"Loki! Tony, are you alright?"

"No, but that's also beside the point. So, Loki..."

"My brother. Yes, he is a man. He can alter his form, but he is a man. And I know Darcy. And I am now concerned about you. Have I missed anything?"

"Yes, but you can join the club."

"Another club? Like the Avengers? What does this have to do with Loki being a man?"

"So much. Fine, how about I do this another way. So, Thor - how would you feel about becoming an uncle?"

"An uncle! Tony, are you to be a father? I am delighted that you would confer upon me the title of uncle as we are but brothers in arms."

"You're an idiot. But it's probably my fault. Idiocy is fucking contagious these days."

"You have lost me again, my friend."

"Loki knocked up Darcy."

"Knocked up? He hit her! I cannot believe he would do such a thing. She is a defenseless woman! I will make him suffer at once."

"No, he didn't hit her. I mean, maybe he spanked her or something. But she probably liked it."

"I am confused again."

"Why am I not surprised? Ok, 'knock up' is like 'freak out'."

"Loki made Darcy panic? Did he play a trick on her? He is fond of the one with the goblet full of snakes. But he is still in Asgard, so this could not have occurred recently."

"This is getting ridiculous. I just meant that 'knock up' is an expression. It means get pregnant. Bun in the oven. With child. In the family way. Procreating. Her eggo is preggo."

"Hold on a moment. You are telling me that Loki has impregnated Darcy Lewis."

"Yes. Hence the 'who' issue."

"…Is this your idea of a jest?"

"Afraid not. There's going to be a little Demigod of Mischief running around in about...I don't know, six months or so."

"Loki and Darcy are…they are…"

"Thor, you alright? You're turning kinda...shit! Oh man, you are so fucking heavy. I can't…Pepper! PEPPER! Where's the damn smelling salts?"

After rousing the unconscious God of Thunder, Tony once again tried to explain things to him. Slowly. With small words.

"Yes, with a baby. What did you think she was pregnant with? A dog?"

Tony suddenly remembered some of the kinkier myths he'd read about the man in question. Maybe Thor was on to something after all. That horse thing…

Eww.

Thor still sounded incredulous, "But it is impossible. Loki and Darcy barely spoke to one another. How could he have impregnated her?"

Tony gave the stunned god a patronizing look, "Well, when a man and a woman love each other, they take off all their clothes and then he puts his-"

"Tony! I do not wish to think of my brother…wait a moment, did you say love?"

For once, Tony could sympathize, "Yeah. Beats the hell out of me. I mean, don't get me wrong - I like your brother. Funny guy and a damn good poker player. But, even if I swung that way - I'd never let him catch me with my pants down. Darcy must have balls of steel." Tony thought about who he was talking to and clarified, "Metaphorical balls, of course. She's a woman. Don't get confused again."

Thor was still staring at him with a frightened bunny expression on his face. It was starting to weird Tony out. "You ok there, Thor? You look…thunderstruck." He laughed. "Get it? Thunderstruck. Because you're the…nevermind. Tough crowd."

"Darcy loves my brother?"

"Yeah. Strange but true. She told me so herself. Actually, she screamed it in my face. Pregnancy makes women a little…well, fucking insane is probably the best way to describe it. And Darcy has always been a little off, so it's just multiplied."

Thor looked confused, "And Loki abandoned her here? In her delicate condition?"

"To be fair, I'm pretty sure he didn't know. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who knows. Well, and Doctor Finklestein. But that man is like Fort Knox. Look Thor, she's probably going to kill me for telling you, but I didn't have a choice. Loki needs to get his skinny ass back here. She's…not doing so well. Projectile vomiting is one thing, but she's got serious issues with trying to stay warm. And when a doctor uses the word 'baffled,' it's never a good thing."

Realization stole over Thor's face, "Because Loki is…oh, Darcy. I must go fetch my brother."

Tony wanted to do a fist-pump. Finally!

"Yes, you do that. And give him a head's up - Darcy's pissed. It probably wouldn't be a bad idea to wear a cup. And don't worry about me, I'll just wait here with the crazy pregnant lady."

Thor just nodded and started running for the door.

Tony took out his cellphone and started to call Pepper. Maybe he could talk her into going away with him for a few days. Morbid curiosity aside, he didn't really want to be around for Darcy's reunion with her baby-daddy.

He just hoped his house would still be standing when he got back.